Did your relationship negatively change with your college son?

[Heigh-Ho]

Yes he is very interactive with his friends and honestly I think he just doesnt like us. We are very different personality than him. He is sensitive and reserved, we are sarcastic and outspoken. He goes to a very prestigious university (on scholarship) and I do think he can't keep up with the Joneses' financially and maybe he resents us for that? Gosh I hope not....... I am having a pity party and appreciate all the advice given here.

I was just in the process of reading this thread and saw you came back to reply.

This post is so different than your first one. Your first post almost sounds like you're apologetic for how things have ended up, for possibly being too much of a hovering parent and for honestly hurting seeing your son drift. But this post seems to put all of it on your son and makes it out like your son is just a kid who doesn't get your humor and that's why he stopped interacting with you and he's just entitled or ungrateful.

I'm sorry but I don't really know which version to give advice to. Why the big change in tone?

 

[lukenick1]

I was just in the process of reading this thread and saw you came back to reply.

This post is so different than your first one. Your first post almost sounds like you're apologetic for how things have ended up, for possibly being too much of a hovering parent and for honestly hurting seeing your son drift. But this post seems to put all of it on your son and makes it out like your son is just a kid who doesn't get your humor and that's why he stopped interacting with you and he's just entitled or ungrateful.

I'm sorry but I don't really know which version to give advice to. Why the big change in tone?

Because I am trying to figure this all out.......is it us, is it him, or is it a phase? Maybe a combination of it all. I was responding to questions being asked by contributors to this post.

 

[Karin1984]

Yes he is very interactive with his friends and honestly I think he just doesnt like us. We are very different personality than him. He is sensitive and reserved, we are sarcastic and outspoken. He goes to a very prestigious university (on scholarship) and I do think he can't keep up with the Joneses' financially and maybe he resents us for that? Gosh I hope not....... I am having a pity party and appreciate all the advice given here.

This post doesnt completely change my previous reply, but it does a little. If you and the rest of your family is the opposite of his personality, then there is more reason to think it is not your parenting style. It can still influence it, but I think different personalities influence it more.

If he is always surrounded by people who are type X, while he is type Y and he now can chose to get surrounded by 'his own kind', then yes, it makes sense even more that you have to take a backseat. This is on top of the normal changes people go through when going to college.

Let's say he wasn't your son, but just another adult. Would he spend more time with you then, or are you just too different? And the other way around, do you have many friends with a similar personality like your son? If he wasnt your son, would you be friends with him?
You dont have to answer that here, as it is an extremely personal question. It is something to think about.

My advice remains, do not force him, it will not help. Give him time and space. Pulling and pushing a donkey doesnt make it move.

Think about what he needs, not what you want or need, or what you want or need him to be or do. That is something you can talk about, and if the answer is that he doesnt need much contact, you have to accept that. You can be sad about it, for sure.
Also keep in mind that needs can change, what he needs now, doesnt mean it will always be like this. People change constantly.

If this is a money thing and he is comparing himself to his peers, then he might resent you now. However, if you have raised him all his life thay money isnt important, I think he will come back. If his values are fundamentally different from the Joneses, I would suspect it to be a phase. But it can take a few years for him to figure that out. And he has to do that himself

 

[Sue Sullivan]

.

 

[clutter]

In the great words of Elsa "Let it go"

This all sounds pretty normal for a first summer home from college. Have you established boundaries, and is he complying with them? (without you checking in on him and please tell me you don't use tracking apps!) That's a win.

Since you have admitted that you were a helicopter parent, he may need some time being not parented. Has he made good choices at school - finding a major that works for him, caring about his grades despite being in a fraternity? Another win.

Your son went to college. He enjoys it. If he is doing well - appropriately focused on learning, not drinking or doing drugs to a dangerous excess, then it's time for you to relax and let him be the person he is growing into. This is a time about him, not you.

Perhaps some therapy for you, as someone mentioned. The question isn't "how can I bring him back into the fold?" but "how do I let him grow so he will want to maintain a connection in the future?"

 

[Tattylou]

I think this is probably very close to what's going on. Early adulthood is literally the most self-centred time of a person's life. It's all about finding yourself and pursuing life with gusto. So many things to do and people to see! Those on the periphery can easily feel neglected and left out - and in fact they are; but not out of malice. Sadly, I treated my own very dear parents this way and am now getting it from my own son. I try to keep it in perspective - he'll grow and mature (like I did) and I look forward to a deeply loving and respectful two-way relationship in the future, but it will be much different than when he was a kid.

This!! Totally. When I was college age, I was never home in the summer - I was either working or out with friends. If I was home, I was in my room just doing my thing. I’d occasionally go to lunch or to get my nails done with my mom, but mostly I was out and about.