DH got another woman pregnant

[mickeyfan2]

I feel bad for you. I hope it all works out no matter what you decide.

 

[goofygirl]

Please don't take him back! You deserve better!

 

[marshallandcartersmo]

First and foremost, you must react to your husband as if he is someone who cannot be trusted, because he can't. Don't ever think to yourself "Oh, he would never do that no matter what" because you don't know that. You never thought he'd cheat and impregnante someone else either, so essentially, all bets are off with regard to what he is capable of. I don't mean to be harsh, but I cannot impress that upon you enough. I have known too many people, both men and women, who have been taken to the cleaners during times of marital strife because they gave their spouse the benefit of the doubt, or gave them too much credit for what they would or would not be "capable of". Assume that he is capable of anything at this point.

Go to a doctor and get tested for STDs, HIV...the whole range of possibilities that can occur with having unprotected sex with someone who is of questionable morals. Your husband and his girlfriend are people of questionable morals.

Go to a lawyer for information. I am not saying that you need to do anything other than gain information. Tell the attorney your situation. You want information about child and spousal support, and how this out-of-wedlock child is going to impact the support you could potentially receive for your child.

Get a handle on your entire financial situation. Make sure you know what you have in savings, retirement savings, credit and other debt. Make dated copies of everything so you will know that on "X" date we had this financial picture.

Watch your credit card statements closely, if you have joint cards. I would almost consider taking my name off the ones I held jointly with him and starting new ones in my own name with the notation that he DOES NOT have access to them.

Start saving separately from your husband, and in someone else's name if possible...your mother, your sister, a trusted friend. I worked with a woman at a previous job (back in the late 80's/early 90's) who had an unfaithful husband. She also had an ill child, so she had to stay with her husband for a period of time to utilize his health benefits for the treatment their child required. Once that was all set, she left him. However, the entire time she was staying with him, she would buy a savings bond every week with some of the household money. She would put the bond in her mother's name. She would also ask him for a little extra money every week because "meat was on sale" or "the kids needed new sneakers" or whatever. Since he knew he was a cheating scum, he didn't hesitate to give her what she asked for. She made a full time job out of shopping sales so her kids never wanted for a thing, but she was able to always "skim" money off the top of everything. She also made sure that when he told her to "go pick out something nice" for her birthday, Christmas, aniniversary etc., that she picked an expensive piece of jewlery that could be sold later for a good price. When she finally left him, she had quite a bit of $$ in savings bond & also sold a lot of the jewelry, since, as she said, it held no sentimental value...between the 2 things, she had enough to build a very nice home for her and her mother down in Florida. Very good planning on her part.

These days, I'd probably look into the AMEX or VISA gift cards as a way to "hide" some funds. Take the cash, buy a GC. Just make sure they GC doesn't have a service fee or something after so many months of not using it or whatever.

Think long and hard about this, and don't make a rash decision. Some things to think about:
~Will your life and your child's life be better with or without this man? Granted, as your child's father, he will still be part of your life to a certain extent, but you don't have to be tied to him maritally.
~What will he have to do to regain your trust? Will he be willing to do it? Will he be able to do it?
~Will you be able to deal with the other woman and their child? Remember, their child is an innocent victim in this saga, just like you and your child are. But the child will be a part of your life in some capacity, even if it is just knowing that he/she is "out there" somewhere.
~As someone else said, you are young, so really, really think long and hard to determine if you want to continue to tie yourself to this man, and possibly be going through this same thing again in 10 years. As someone else said "A zebra doesn't change its stripes". My mother always used to say "A leopard doesn't change its spots". Same essential message. I have yet to meet anyone that I know who has cheated, worked through it, been forgiven, yadda, yadda, yadda who eventually doesn't cheat again. It sometimes takes years, but it usually happens. A one night stand can be a "mistake", a "bad decision", an "error in judgement" a "bad choice"....a long-term relationship that produces a child is just that...a long-term relationship. It's not one stupid mistake one time. It's a choice he made daily...to continue the relationship, knowing he had a wife and child at home. Big difference.
~The other woman. Yes, she is scum. Yes, she is a piece of trash for going with your husband. I am not giving her a pass, by any means. But, the fact remains that you need to concern yourself with your husband and his behavior, because if he wasn't accepting her attention, she would have turned it elsewhere. That old excuse "Well, they're men. What can we expect?" doesn't fly with me. We do men a grave disservice by thinking that they are unable to control their animal urges and just "have to" give in. Mature, committed men of morals do not behave this way, no matter what kind of "things" they are "going through". Period. "I was going through some things" is a cheap excuse and a lousy explanation for being pissed at getting caught, which I think your husband ultimately is...pissed at getting caught. If he did tell his girlfriend to get an abortion and threaten her and so on, and that's a big "if" since you heard it from her, I think even less of him. But again, I wouldn't deal with the girlfriend at all, since the issue is him.

Take your time, take a breath, get all your ducks in a row,
know your rights, know the information you need to know to make the best decision for you and that beautiful litle girl of yours.

I wish you well in the difficult times you have ahead.

Some REALLY wonderful advice here. I agree with all of it, but what I bolded I feel is really important. I don't know if you work, but get your financial life in order soon. Is he still staying there? If not---where did he go?? Do you have family close by that can help you? You're going to need a support system---and HIS family is not who you need to be leaning on now.
I can't imagine how you're feeling now, but I do know things need to be getting in order (your doctor visit, your financial questions via a lawyer) need to be done SOONER rather than later.
I can hear the heartbreak in your posts........but I would like to hear a little more anger. Get mad girl.

 

[disneyfruitloop]

OP, I am so sorry you and your precious little girl have to go through this. There has been some very good advice given by the PP, but I wanted to share a story about my BIL that might help you in your decision making process...call me the devils advocate if you will, but the decision is yours to make and its a hard decision I am sure.

My brother in law got his girlfriend pregnant, but they split up some time during the pregnancy. She refused to let him see the baby, but was demanding child support. The courts mandated that he pay close to 400.00 a month in support to a child he never saw. The ex had a new boyfriend who was acting as the baby's father, so my BIL decided to legally give up all his rights to the baby. This way, he didnt have to pay the child support but he would never see the baby again either. The way he looked at it, the baby at least had a chance of growing up and having a father who could adopt her and be a real father, one that he could not be. This is a hard decision to make, but it is sometimes the best situation for all involved.

I just wanted to throw that out there in case you decided your marriage was worth saving. I must say, you are a very strong person and I admire the fact that you are weighing all of your options and considering what is best for YOUR baby and not necessarily your gut reactions. Good Luck nd God Bless you and those you love!

 

[Cinderellafifi]

I am so sorry!! I was married to a man who f'd up royally. I don't have magic words to help your pain, I'm afraid. Things will get better, although right now with everything so raw that seems impossible.

Get a lawyer - most family attorneys will give you a consult for free. You don't have to decide to divorce or whatever just yet, but the information will give you strength. Gather up his personal financial info and put it aside. This is for your daughter's well-being in the near future.

As an outsider looking in, it is easy for me to say dump him FAST. Don't feel guilty or stupid if you just decide to take it one day at a time. You already know the answer in your heart: you are better than this and as a mother to a daughter, you both deserve so much more.

Good luck! Big hugs! And come back here often to cry, scream, vent.

 

[solferino]

I'm so sorry OP. I don't know what else to say, but please take care of yourself and your beautiful DD.

 

[ronmama5]

O-kay I don't post regularly and I apologize ahead of time for coming on so strong, but Puh-leez!! You said this man was the love of your life...well I'm sorry, but you obviously aren't his! Would you hurt him this way? I'm thinking no, but he sure didn't have any problem doing it to you! Don't you think you deserve someone whose world revolves around you and YOUR happiness (not Theirs?) I think you do and I'm guessing from your post you are still pretty young.You have your whole life ahead of you. You've already wasted enough years on someone who threw it back in your face. Do you really want to wake up in 15 years and know the only thing different is that you now wasted another 15 years?? You and your daughter will be better off without him! Would you counsel your daughter in 20 years to stay with the man who cheated on her, broke her heart, and got another woman pregnant?/Or would you want to hunt that b*****d down and make him PAY!! You need to get strong and get FURIOUS!!!Nobody has the right to cheat if he was " going through something" that the only cure was sex with a stranger he should have left. I have a lot more to say, but I think I've said enough...but while I would NOT blame the child I'd be dam**d if I would watch money coming out of MY pocket for the next 18 years because of his stupidity and lack of respect for me. I don't envy you, though I know the thought of going it alone is a very scary thing, but at least you can make him finance it!!

 

[MosMom]

Sweets, if you met him when you were 15 or 16 you haven't had enough experience to even know what REAL true love is waiting for you out there.

 

[Princess89]

My DH and I got together at 16, we are now both 31. It has been a long hard road for both of us. Nothing of this nature has ever happened, but we did split for a short time, and some horrible things occured. So as for the people saying that she doesn't know true love. I don't agree. Just because she may be young, does not mean its not true love or that she doesn't know what true love is. Is there true love out there beyond her DH...highly possible, but she won't know that until her DH is no longer in the picture.

OP I cannot imagine what you are going through. This is such a hard process. Only YOU can decide what you want to do. Only you can figure out if you can get passed his affair and the child. For what its worth, its very possible the child is not his. You know nothing of this other woman, and I wouldn't put it past her to say its your DH's knowing that it would destroy a marriage, all the while, it could be someone elses. Its just a thought. Right now, I would personally think about my DD. Having a child and going through this is the extremely hard. As for your DH threatening her to have an abortion...well, that can be taken many ways. First, she said that. Maybe he did ask her to have an abortion, but that doesn't make it a threat. Only she took it that way.

Gather yourself together, and put some serious thought into whether it would be possible to forge ahead with your DH. Only you can come to this conclusion. Its unfortunate, but to get the answers to some of your questions, you need to speak with him. Starting with..is it possible the child isn't yours? Start gathering some money for the future, especially since you are unsure of what you want to do. It would not hurt to have it available to you. I wish you nothing but luck, its a very hard decision to make.

 

[MommaluvsDis]

First off,

Know that you're going to feel a gammet of emotions:

First - hurt/disbelief
Second - pure pain
Third - ANGER
Fourth - revenge
Fifth - power

These feelings are going to be real for you no matter what you decide to do. Just know that you ARE a strong woman and I think you'll be surprised at yourself when you realize just how strong you are.

Don't let your husband or anyone else decide your life for you. Now's the time to step up and take command.

You are your own woman! Decide your future! You know, in your heart of hearts, which way to go that is best for you and your daughter. Would you advise your daughter to stay with a man in this same situation?

Be the strong woman you know you are!

You DO deserve better! And there's better out there.

 

[zalansky]

Sweets, if you met him when you were 15 or 16 you haven't had enough experience to even know what REAL true love is waiting for you out there.

I was going to say the same thing! OP - you deserve better and so does your daughter. I am sorry you are going through this and suffering...but it WILL get better and you WILL get through this. Don't give him the chance to do this to you again. Just my two cents.

 

[meloneyb21]

Thank You....I'm just taking some time right now. But I'm going to talk to him and tell him EXACTLY how I feel. I'm not holding nothing back. If I don't, I'm going to burst into flames.

 

[All American]

 

[Snow_White]

Sweets, if you met him when you were 15 or 16 you haven't had enough experience to even know what REAL true love is waiting for you out there.

I'm sorry but I find this incredibly insulting. I started dating my husband when I was 16. We are best friends and each other's REAL true loves. My parents also started dating when they were 16 and 17. 35 years later they are still together and VERY much in love. What you posted is irrelevant.

 

[DISUNC]

 

[tiggersmom2]

I'm sorry but I find this incredibly insulting. I started dating my husband when I was 16. We are best friends and each other's REAL true loves. My parents also started dating when they were 16 and 17. 35 years later they are still together and VERY much in love. What you posted is irrelevant.

I really don't think a support thread is the time for you to start a "***** - fest". Mosmom gave her opinion and it is rather tacky to attack her when the OP needs support.

 

[ferris198]

My father did the same thing to my mother. He was a serial cheater.
His other daughter was born about 3 months after I was. That ended the marriage.
He ended up giving up his parental rights for my brother and I as he did not want to pay child support payments to my mother.
He also did not get together with the other woman, but ended up with his secretary. He also did not pay child support to the other woman.

His family sided with my mother so I had a wonderful relationship with my grandparents, (his parents).
My brother and I grew up not seeing our father, but you know what, we turned out just fine.
We are an extremely close family, and we are happy the way we are.
We have had limited contact with my father, or as I refer to him as the plumber, but that is it.
I was actually very concerned that when I had my own child, as he knew as we have family friends in common that he would try and get access to my son.
As it turns out, he seems to have no interest in contacting us, as his other daughter has given him a grandchild aswell, and that suites me just fine.
Hang in there, and do not make any rash decisions.
Think things through, and remember, you have to do what is best for you and your daughter.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I have never felt so heartbroken in my LIFE. He didn't tell me. The woman called me and told me she is 3 months. A coworker from a job that he left approximately 3 months ago. He started that job in December of '06, left this past June...they were apparently together the whole time.

He says this is the first time that he has ever done anything like this. He says he was "going through something". I asked him what he was going through that I couldn't have helped him with, he says "I don't know, everything, but I messed up."

He says he wants nothing to do with this woman anymore, but he admitted to being with her as recently as last weekend. He went to Boston with his cousin this past weekend but told her ahead of time so that they could meet up there.

I don't know what else to do. We've been together for almost 8 years. We met when we were 15-16 years old. I was his "first". What do I do now? His family (madeup of mostly women) is totally against this but tell me that from talking to him and seeing him, he is genuinely devastated because he possibly lost his family (DD and I).

The "other" woman told me in her own words that he threatened her and told her to get an abortion because he doesn't want to lose us. She said no and has decided to keep it. Which is totally up to her but his family believes that she is doing this out of spite because how could she want to have a baby with a man who doesn't want one with her....I don't know...I'm just in shock. I need to write this out to get this out of my system. I made it VERY clear to him how I felt, and he says he is willing to do whatever is neccessary to keep us together. I know I will probably NEVER trust him again. I don't know how I missed this.

Is this worth saving or is this pretty much over? I never wanted it to end like this.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think it's up to you to decide whether you want to try and save the marriage or not. If it were my dh and this happened and he came to me and told me about the pregnancy, I *think*, though devestated, I'd want to try and work things out. If I knew he was trying to coerce the woman into having an abortion, it would be a deal breaker for me. I am pro-choice and I think a woman has the right to decide and no one should be forced into any decision.

I know you probably hate the woman, but it is her choice to not abort the baby.

Your dh pretty much sucks for doing this to you.

 

[mcco5543]

May I put in a vote also for personal counseling on regardless of whehter or not you decide to go to marriage counseling. You need extra support from people (besides' the wonderful Dis'er's) that know how to handle your very fragile mental state right now. I really hope you go. My parents seperated for a year and lucky for all involved aftr a year reconciled, however they both went to individual counseling before during and after marriage counseling and i truly believe it was the individual counseling that helped each of them decide what they really wanted/needed. also I just wanted to offer more

 

[sweetspicy]

Tons and tons of to you. I'm glad you're going to tell him how you feel.