Death of a spouse and dating? How soon is too soon?

[eliza61]

I am so sorry.

 

[rutgers1]

My grandmother was sick for as long as I knew her. In fact, she was battling cancer since my father was a kid.

She died when i was 18, and my grandfather was dating almost immediately. I think he was even married within the year, though my timeline might be off.

Like others said, he needed someone. He would have died within a year had he stayed single - I am sure of it.

The downside was that our relatives all handled it with different degrees of acceptance. We still have some relatives that we don't see all that much, and I think it can be traced to the weirdness surrounding that time period. If my grandfather had slowed down and made sure that everyone was on the same page, I think it would have caused less hurt feelings.....but in the end, I am glad that he had the time he had with my step grandmother.

 

[PollyannaMom]

My dad didn't remarry quite that soon, but he was seeing someone only three months after my mother's death. At first, it really bothered me. I thought it seemed somehow disrespectful. But I came to realize that these were both people who had lost a spouse. They knew first hand that they might have a lot less time than they planned on, and that if they wasted a year for formality's sake, anything could happen and take that chance away. After I started thinking about that way, I felt better about the whole thing.

 

[sharonmickey]

One of my friend's father passed away in the middle of January. He had been ill since November. Her mother is now engaged to her father's caregiver. As I said, it's been less than a month since the father/spouse died. Way to soon IMHO.

 

[lulubelle]

I am so sorry to all who have lost their husband on this thread.
I know how hard it is.

My DH was diagnosed with cancer in Aug 2009 and died 13 months later in Sept 2010. So I have been a widow for 2 1/2 years. We were soul mates and had the best marriage ever. I have had a few opportunities to date but have not. Just the thought of it freaks me out. But honestly, I get lonely sometimes and really miss having a partner to enjoy everyday life with. I suppose I will know when the time is right. I am 52 and hope to meet someone someday.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Okay, first, IMHO there is no concrete time period since it is such a personal decision.
But face it, it IS something almost every married person or their surviving spouse is going to face.

I post this because I have had two friends....both men....lose a spouse, one was actively dating 3 months later, and one 6 weeks later. Both seemed a little soon to me. Now, both had wives who had life threatening illness for 10-15 years prior to their deaths, however both has been considered in "remission" for many years and both had very sudden declines, literally days after a potential delapse was discovered.
It is something my wife and I have discussed, and we both are of the "one and done" mind set when it comes to spouses.

You know what, you will never know until it happens to you. You might meet someone who you click with.

I would not judge anyone on that subject. I think if you are ready to date or not date it should be a left up to the person.

As far as "one and done", not sure about that for me. I do know that I would not marry someone right away!

 

[Gigi22]

My late aunt, who was left a very wealthy woman in her early 70s, said that she nursed one husband through cancer and wasn't going to do it again. She found her husband's decline extremely difficult. After a few years, she developed a relationship with another man, but they never married.

 

[married2mm]

Firstly,hugs to all those who've lost their partners.

In the last few years,I've lost a few friends-in their forties-all with various age children,but all still at home.
Not one of their partners has dated anyone else.
Maybe they will in the future,but none are interested at present.

Many years ago,my aunty got sick,and died 6 weeks later.
Less than a week after she died,my uncle was "spotted" with another woman.
She moved in within a month,and they married soon after.

Another aunty was poorly for years,she slept in a room downstairs,and was housebound. My uncle used to bring his lady friend round,straight upstairs,so they never met. She moved in permanently when my aunty died,but they never married.

I can't imagine how I would feel,if I lost my dh,I guess you never know til you're in that position.

 

[luvmy3jewels]

My great uncle married a member of the casserole brigade within 3 months of his wife's death. The really sad thing is he and his wife had a mentally delayed daughter who is incapable of caring for herself. They had scrimped, saved and gone without their entire marraige putting away money to ensure that their daugther could stay at home with a caregiver once they were gone.

As soon as he re-married his new wife started dipping into the savings account and she was very mean to his disabled daughter. Several years later he passed away and the daughter had to move into a group home (while the step-mother got the house and what was left of the money). I completely understand why my uncle married so soon after his first wife passed, but it makes me sad to think of the sacrifices my aunt made in order to ensure that her daughter never had to leave her home.

I do think that it is far more common for men to marry quickly after their spouses death, particularly elderly men who have the pick of the litter. I remember my elderly neighbor saying that as soon as his wife passed away the women started showing up at his door with their casseroles.

 

[Lassie Lynne]

You all laugh about bringing dates to funerals, but it happened in our family. My MIL had a terminal illness and was in a nursing home for several years. She had dementia among other issues. My FIL had a "special friend" that he spent all holidays with, ate dinner with every night, etc. for the last few years of MIL illness.

When the funeral came, she was there...now we put our foot down about her sitting with us at the service, but at the meal afterwards,FIL and she sat next to each other and I had several people question me who she was : that evening, they went to church together I have never seen such a thing, nor had to be apart of it.

Luckily, everyone let it go and was on their best behavior, but, gosh, it was not easy!!

 

[Colleen27]

I tend to agree with those who say it falls along gender lines. I have no doubt that if I died tomorrow DH would likely remarry rather quickly. He'd be lost on his own with three kids! And I wouldn't want him to be unhappy or lonely over me. Better he move on, so long as it is with a woman who treats our children well.

Me, on the other hand? I'm from a long line of women who outlive their husbands not just by years but by decades, and like my great-grandmother, grandmother and great-aunts I doubt I'd date again much less remarry. I'm happy on my own, I have a wonderful network of family and friends, and I think I'd be content with that. I wouldn't reject the possibility if I did meet someone special but I just don't see it happening - he'd practically have to show up on my doorstep to get my attention.