Dear Abby today - social obligations, guests must reciprocate?

[disykat]

Seriously? I'm never going to another party again, nor am I throwing one!

I don't agree with this at all. If I throw a party and invite people, I am in no way expecting them to reciprocate by inviting me somewhere.

Now if I were to discover that some of those people were entertaining constantly and I was never on their list, I would probably take a hint that they weren't interested in socializing with me. If they never instigated a phone call, visit,activity, etc., I'd stop inviting. If they never "took a turn" hosting a regular gathering or contributing to one, I might wonder about our friendship. BUT the idea that you have to host a return gathering simply because you attended one really bothers me.

Not too long ago we had to drive an hour to a co-worker of my husband's house for a meal. It seemed important to dh - he thought it seemed important to her so we went. While it was pleasant, I got the feeling we were sort of an obligation and she was "paying us back" for when she came to our house. (We live close to work and dh had invited her to dinner one night that he knew she had to stay in town for something. It wasn't a big deal at all.) This feeling was certainly validated when I read Dear Abby this morning, because she seemed to feel this was the norm.

I'm supposed to go to a party this weekend and this is making me re-think it! Am I obligating myself to throw a party to "pay them back?"

 

[DawnCt1]

Since the original Abby died, her replacement has been awful; consistently awful. I can't imagine throwing a party to reciprocate for everyone that ever invited me to a party. Close friends who invite you to dinner? That's another thing but a party? Nope.

 

[luvmy3]

Wouldn't that mean that we were either hosting or attending a party all the time then? Sorry, I love my friends and family but not that much

 

[mrsklamc]

DH and I agree with PP; the replacement is awful.

 

[savannahcat]

I don't believe this applies to parties, but I have always reciprocated dinner invitations.

 

[Piglets Mommy]

Some people enjoy entertaining, and others don't. We have a big Christmas Open house every year...this year we had about 75 people come. I certainly don't expect every one of those to reciprocate. Heck, I HOPE they don't ALL invite me to a party....there would be no time left for just our family!

 

[bookgirl]

Seriously? I'm never going to another party again, nor am I throwing one!

I don't agree with this at all. If I throw a party and invite people, I am in no way expecting them to reciprocate by inviting me somewhere.

Now if I were to discover that some of those people were entertaining constantly and I was never on their list, I would probably take a hint that they weren't interested in socializing with me. If they never instigated a phone call, visit,activity, etc., I'd stop inviting. If they never "took a turn" hosting a regular gathering or contributing to one, I might wonder about our friendship. BUT the idea that you have to host a return gathering simply because you attended one really bothers me.

Not too long ago we had to drive an hour to a co-worker of my husband's house for a meal. It seemed important to dh - he thought it seemed important to her so we went. While it was pleasant, I got the feeling we were sort of an obligation and she was "paying us back" for when she came to our house. (We live close to work and dh had invited her to dinner one night that he knew she had to stay in town for something. It wasn't a big deal at all.) This feeling was certainly validated when I read Dear Abby this morning, because she seemed to feel this was the norm.

I'm supposed to go to a party this weekend and this is making me re-think it! Am I obligating myself to throw a party to "pay them back?"

She didn't say you had to through a party only that one side shouldn't always be the one inviting others. Heck even the people who threw the party were saying it would be nice to just be asked out for a simple dinner every once and a while. But no one they inviting to thier annual holiday party even bothered to invite them out for burgers.

I do think that in polite society if you are always accepting others invitations but never reciprocating, it is rude. I would not accept invitations from someone that I would not be willing to invite back. A business affair or club party, or even a one time event is different, but this was a social event that they hosted and they were just sad that these people came year after year to thier big event but the rest of the time it was like the hosts didn't exist.

Personally I'd cut down my guest list, moochers off the list and friends who'd share fries with you on the list.

 

[bookgirl]

Since the original Abby died, her replacement has been awful; consistently awful. I can't imagine throwing a party to reciprocate for everyone that ever invited me to a party. Close friends who invite you to dinner? That's another thing but a party? Nope.

That would be her daughter who now writes the column, and I actually like her.

Just FYI

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our 80s. For many years we used to entertain during the holidays. Now we wonder where all our former guests have disappeared to.

Our annual parties grew to include more than 80 friends. Dinner was prepared by a chef; we had a bartender and a pianist. People said they looked forward to those gatherings year after year.

We never expected anyone to entertain us in the same way, yet even being asked out for hamburgers would have been such a treat. Very few reciprocated in any way except to bring a few bottles of wine. We miss them and wonder if people realize that a simple get-together is always appreciated. -- FOOD FOR THOUGHT, SPARKS, NEV.

DEAR FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Some of the guests you entertained so beautifully may have been intimidated because it was done on such a grand scale. But if my mail is any indication, it also appears many people have "forgotten" that there is a social obligation that goes with accepting invitations, and that the guests must reciprocate with an invitation of some sort in return.

 

[pearlieq]

It's not mean to be a strict tit-for-tat, but yes, if you accept an invitation from someone (except for certain special events like weddings, milestone birthdays/anniversaries, etc.), you are expected to reciprocate their hospitality somehow.

If I invite someone to my annual Christmas party and they attend, I would feel snubbed if they didn't invite me to their big 4th of July Barbecue (provided, of course, it's the same kind of party--a large gathering where they invite many friends, as opposed to a small, family-only party).

It would be kind of boorish to go over to someone's house for dinner and never return the invitation, especially more than once. Are you just using them for free food? If you enjoy someone's company you take turns hosting each other.

 

[disykat]

She didn't say you had to through a party only that one side shouldn't always be the one inviting others.

She didn't specifically say party, but she said "there is a social obligation to accepting an invitation and you must reciprocate with an invitation of some sort."

She was very clear you MUST reciprocate every invitation.

She didn't in any way say one side shouldn't always be inviting the others. Like you, I addressed that in my first post - that one side shouldn't always be inviting - but "Abby" thought every invitation needs to be reciprocated.

 

[mickeyfan1]

I don't know. We used to have friends that we socialized with. We would cook out, they would cook out, nothing formal. If I invite people to my home for a meal or a party, I do it because I want to. I don't expect anything other than their company. I don't want an invite in return because someone else says it should be that way. I see that letter to Dear Abby as being from someone who did things not to be nice to their friends, but to show off how well they could entertain with catering, etc. It seems like it was all about them, not about the guests. Yes, they provided a nice party or meal, but at what cost? They didn't ever get invited in return, it cost them friendship.

I used to have a Christmas Eve open house every year, I invited everyone I knew, maybe 100 people. Sometimes 10 showed, sometimes 50. I don't think anyone every invited me to anything in return. Now I find out I should be insulted at the rude behaviour of my guests? Guess I didn't get that memo.

 

[Kevitivity]

People still read Dear Abby?

 

[FireDancer]

I just do what I feel like doing whether Abby agrees with me or not.

 

[disykat]

I just do what I feel like doing whether Abby agrees with me or not.

Certainly. But do you have an opinion on this topic?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She didn't say you had to through a party only that one side shouldn't always be the one inviting others. Heck even the people who threw the party were saying it would be nice to just be asked out for a simple dinner every once and a while. But no one they inviting to thier annual holiday party even bothered to invite them out for burgers.

I do think that in polite society if you are always accepting others invitations but never reciprocating, it is rude. I would not accept invitations from someone that I would not be willing to invite back. A business affair or club party, or even a one time event is different, but this was a social event that they hosted and they were just sad that these people came year after year to thier big event but the rest of the time it was like the hosts didn't exist.

Personally I'd cut down my guest list, moochers off the list and friends who'd share fries with you on the list.

Agree. I also read that today, how funny.

All you have to do is read Jane Austen and she spells out the social society of invitation. Now we may not be as strict as they were since it was part of their society, however some of the nuances are still in present day.

It reminds me of someone's siggie here or thread, that states something about "having a friend, means being a friend" or something to that effect.

 

[Ember]

So what you're upset about, OP, is that in a social relationship both parties should be involved in hosting events? How is it fair if I have a friend who always comes for dinner at my house or is invited to my parties, but never reciprocates? There is a an expense in hosting people, and when one person is expected to continually front the expense and trouble that, to me, isn't a friendship. That's taking advantage of someone. I don't think it's unreasonable at all that the social responsibility of friendships be shared equally.

I don't see this as any different than going out with a friend who offers to pick up the tab when you go for dinner. The next time you go out, wouldn't you offer to pay for the meal? What if they offered to pay every time, out of politeness, would anyone let their friend pay all the time? Same thing with hosting, as far as I'm concerned.

 

[ols386]

I guess that's why we don't get invited to parties...we don't host parties ourselves.

But if I were to host a party, and invited friends or who ever, I wouldn't feel that they needed to invite me to a party, if they had one. I would be inviting them because I truly wanted them to come, and enjoy their company...not because I expected something in return.

 

[Rora]

I think it's nice to be invited to someone's house if you've had them over but it's not that important in my book. I wouldn't stop being friends with them or stop having them over by any means.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I don't like the new Abby--to me she comes across as an idiot at times. She is an advice columnist and nothing more and she doesn't have her advice correct. (ETA to say that she doesn't have it correct all the time. She is right sometimes.). She is not Emily Post or Miss Manners. Etiquette also changes over time and given the age of the couple, and likely the age range of their guests--they should know better.

It does sound like they are getting "ignored" in their social circle which is an unfortunate shame if what it comes down to is they'd simply would appreciate a casual invitation to do anything rather than be ignored.

But I would have an issue with someone who enjoys entertaining regularly, but then gets their panties in a twist b/c I don't reciprocate in the same manner. I don't have a credit line at ABC liquor or the party store and if it was really all about money--there is no way that I would be able to appease the Jones' as I have no means to keep up with them.

 

[disykat]

No one is talking about never inviting your friends over or taking turns hosting - I thought I made that clear in the first post? It's also not about the person who wrote into Dear Abby, it's about the answer "Abby" gave.

What we are addressing is the idea that every time you accept an invitation, you are obligating yourself to hosting another event of some sort to "pay back" whomever invited you.

I have one friend who loves to entertain. She would be heartbroken if I started declining invitations because we weren't "even." She keeps having parties and there's no way I can keep up, nor could she keep up with attending all the invitations she would receive.

I accepted an invitation this weekend to a party thrown by a couple we don't normally socialize with. Honestly, I can't see myself planning an event or an occasion just to pay them back. I don't have any parties planned any time soon and my social calendar is fairly booked. When I accepted, I thought nothing beyond - "that sounds fun." I just posted because I was surprised to see that "Abby," and apparently some people here, think I have "obligated myself" to reciprocate. (I do know this friend and I can't imagine she is expecting 10 or more invitations from guests. Sure it could get her on some future guest lists if someone happens to be hosting a party, but she'd die if she thought people felt they were now obligated to host her.)

If some people are going to insist this post is about me being upset about something - I guess I could say Yes, it would upset me if I were to host a party at my home and people felt "obligated" to host me back. Personally, I'm probably more often a host than a guest and it doesn't bother me at all.