Dealing with parents who have dementia and/or Alzheimer's......

[ElizabethB]

Yeah, it's really awful. I'm going through this with my father. He is in assisted living-type group home. There are four men living there with full time care. The staff gives him seroquel and it seems to help keep him calm. It's a truly awful thing to go through with a parent.

 

[luvavacation]

OP, I feel for you, for I also have a parent with Alzheimer's.

I recieved my mom's diagnosis 4.5 years ago, on the day my Dad died. My mom was so angry about her diagnosis, she beat up the nurse that was trying to take her blood pressure. The nurse had a nice bruise on her arm and cheek. Oh, times were so fun then.

My mom moved in with me 2.5 years ago, when I finally decided that she could not safely live alone anymore. I told my brother this Thanksgiving, who lives in another state, that I want my life back, that I am tired of caring for my mom, for I went from being a SAHM to having a job offer that I had to give up on the day we realized my mom would be moving in with me and needing constant care. I told him he needs to find a place down South for her, near him, or I will be finding a place for her here.

Selfish as this sounds, I just want my life back, and even if your parent doesn't live with you, the constant worry and decisions making of how your loved one is still removes you from the life you thought you would have at the age you are now. No matter the situation, it isn't easy.

What I remind myself though, is that as hard as this is on me, it is even harder on my mother. She has lost everything. Sometimes, it helps to remind myself of this.

Regarding the anger, I have been told that it is a stage of dementia/Alzheimer's. My mom went through it, and there were times I was the devil, the absolute worst person in the world. Oddly enough, she always liked my DH, and I would sometimes turn to him for help with her. I felt badly, as this isn't his mother, but DH was always able to help calm her down, and I am incredibly grateful to him.

My mom is now at a stage where she is pleasant. She isn't really talkative, but occasionally you catch a bit of humour or wit from her, and I am always shocked, because for 2 years, it was just anger! I prefer this stage! Perhaps, OP, this will happen for you, too, and it may make it easier to find a place for your mom if she isn't being combative?

And I also highly recommend, as others have said, to have her reevaluated medication-wise and health-wise. Even if nothing needs to be changed, at least you know you have tried. I find that knowing I have tried the best for my mom helps me, no matter the outcome of the future.

Hugs to you, OP, and all who are in the same boat. I pray we never face this ourselves, and that science finds a way to prevent this awful disease, for the thought of losing all my precious memories would drive me to the depths of despair and the peaks of anger, too.

 

[powellrj]

My mom has dementia. What I finally ended up doing was quitting my job to become her caregiver. Her and my dad still live in their home, but to be honest some days I think he is in worse shape than she is.

Before I quit my job I was getting panic phone calls several times a day. Once I quit, I was able to go over every morning and make sure they were set-up for the day. Now, almost 6 months later, they are so much better that many days I only call and don't go over. I think the fact that they know I am available has given them enough peace that they can now cope.

Its not an easy job. We went through the angry, I hate you phase over the summer and it broke my heart to see the hate and angry feelings that my mom would have towards me, but now she is much calmer. We also went through her meds and had her doctors drop several because I think she was over medicated which also helped. She was seeing several different doctors and they weren't always checking what she was already taking before giving her more of the same.

I took over the bills and that was another stress gone plus she is no longer allowed to drive which is hard for her, but easier for us.

Good luck, its not for the faint of heart!

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I am just starting to deal with this with my Mum. She has gone downhill very rapidly since her diagnosis in November. It's so hard.

TP

 

[MinnieFan]

I am so sorry that your family is going through this. Alzheimer's is a terrible disease. Until people have known someone afflicted with this awful disease, they commonly think that it involves only forgetfulness, but it is so much more than that.

My husband's mother, now 93, has Alzheimer's Disease in addition to some other very serious health problems. She lived with us for 18 years, up until a year ago when she was placed in a nursing home. She has had ALZ for about the last 10 years and is entering the last stage of the disease. She can no longer walk, feed herself or do anything at all for herself. She requires 24/7 care, and due to some changed circumstances in our own family it was just impossible for us to handle her care anymore.

Your mom's symptoms, from accusations about stealing her money to the personality changes, are all classic symptoms of dementia. I can recommend an excellent article that helped us to understand what was happening with MIL - I do not know if I can post the link, but if you Google "Understanding the Dementia Experience" by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller, you will find the article. I can also recommend a book called "The 36 Hour Day." Both of these were invaluable resources to us when we were caring for MIL. If you and your brothers read these items, you will all come away with a greater understanding of what you are dealing with and some positive ideas about how to deal with your mom's problems.

You should also Google the local Alzheimer's Association chapter where you live. They have a 24/7 hotline that you may call with questions, or if you just need someone to talk to about the situation.

Your mom’s belief that she was misdiagnosed is also a symptom of ALZ, called "anosognosia." This is basically the false belief that everything is fine. The patient truly has no understanding of what is happening to him and basically thinks that everyone else is wrong.

Is your mom being treated by a neurologist, a geriatric psychiatrist or a geriatrician who specializes in ALZ? Sometimes internists/general practitioners are not as well versed as specialists in the medications that can really help these patients. It is important for your mother’s doctor to be aware of some of the symptoms she is experiencing, especially threats of suicide. Sometimes something as small as a very low dose of an antidepressant can help with these symptoms. If you or your brothers do not have proper HIPPA authorization to speak with the doctor, the doctor cannot disclose information about your mother's condition to you. However, the doctor can listen to you. You can make a list of the symptoms that you are observing and either call the doctor or fax the list to the doctor before your mom's next appointment. We did this with MIL's doctor, and it was very helpful as he knew how her symptoms were progressing before each visit.

Most assisted living facilities will not keep dementia patients once their condition becomes advanced. There are some exceptions, such as ALs which have skilled nursing facilities on the premises – where patients can transfer once their need for care increases to that point. With regard to a nursing home, you do not necessarily need one that “specializes” in dementia care. The facility where my mother in law is now is large, and it does have a locked dementia wing, but that is reserved for patients who are either violent or whose wandering cannot be controlled. A large percentage of the patients in the nursing home have dementia, and they are part of the general population. The staff is experienced in caring for them. Some important things to look for in a nursing home: (1) the Medicare ratings (you want it to be 4 or 5 star rated), which are available on the Medicare web site for all nursing homes in the country that accept Medicare; (2) will they accept Medicaid, since it seems that at some point your mom will require this; and (3) will they keep a dementia patient right until the end – some nursing homes will not keep end stage ALZ patients, and you would not want to have to move your mom once she has reached that point. It would be stressful for her and for the family.

Hopefully your mom’s angry stage will pass. It did with MIL – she was enraged for a couple of years, but she is generally very calm now. And that is due to her stage of the disease, not to drugs – she is not chemically restrained.

I hope that some of the information suggested will be helpful to you. I know that this is very difficult for all of you.