DD's friend not allowed to visit our house when dh is home?

[Disney_1derland]

This is off topic but hope it will get some answers to buy us a clue! DD has a new friend who comes and plays all the time when I am home but is not allowed to play here when dh is home. We are wondering if this is a cultural thing anyone has heard of? This is a new one to us, so we are just trying to figure it out. We've had other friends who weren't allowed in our home because we have a dog and that was a cultural thing, so we wondered if this might be as well. We don't know the parents well enough at this point to feel comfortable asking.

Thanks!

 

[mommy-on-the-move]

I've never heard of that as a cultural thing - what culture or religion were you thinking it might be? (We have Muslim & sikh family and some of our kids friends and none of them have ever mentioned my DH being in the house being an issue) What age and sex are the children visiting? Older sikh or muslim girls it may be a chaperone issue (in families very strict to their religion- especially if you have older/adolescent sons in the house) but younger girls I don't think it is.

I've never heard of dogs being a cultural issue either, an allergy one (my oldest is severely dog-allergic asthmatic so houses with dogs are a big no-go for her) but never a cultural one. (I've known the inability to go where there are pigs to be a religious one but never dogs- I may be wrong though, my sister had some students who weren't allowed to look at pigs when the visited the farm due to their religion)

Have you asked any other local parents if they've had this reason given to them too?

 

[WDWMom]

My first guess is that they are helicopter parents and are worried that your DH will do something to their DD. Maybe once they get to know you that will change. Without knowing where you live and what kind of culture this family has, it is hard to say if it is a cultural thing. Personally, I've never heard of any one around our community not allowing their DD's to play while the dad is home.

 

[duffy]

I have a relative by marriage who was reluctant to leave her daughters with us for weekend visits. I found out years later that she was molested by a family friend when she was a child.

She thought my husband was a nice guy, but her parents thought the man who molested her was a nice guy. They found out-obviously to their sorrow-that of course, he wasn't.

She was afraid to have the same thing happen to her daughters, that she would trust her kids with a "nice guy", who would molest them. Of course my husband isn't a child molester, but, well, wouldn't a child molester deny being one??

I didn't press the issue.

I think your daughter's friend's parents are being cautious. As you say, you don't know them very well and they don't know you very well either.

 

[Shagley]

Maybe there are abuse issues from the girls' past that makes her uncomfortable around men?

 

[PiperPizzaz]

Maybe they just don't want to interrupt your family time.

 

[brookmey]

I have a relative by marriage who was reluctant to leave her daughters with us for weekend visits. I found out years later that she was molested by a family friend when she was a child.

She thought my husband was a nice guy, but her parents thought the man who molested her was a nice guy. They found out-obviously to their sorrow-that of course, he wasn't.

She was afraid to have the same thing happen to her daughters, that she would trust her kids with a "nice guy", who would molest them. Of course my husband isn't a child molester, but, well, wouldn't a child molester deny being one??

I didn't press the issue.

I think your daughter's friend's parents are being cautious. As you say, you don't know them very well and they don't know you very well either.

I agree that this is a possibility. My SIL was molested as a child and she and her husband won't let their 5 year old daughter go anywhere without one of them. They won't even let their daughter come to our house without them and DH is SIL's brother! SIL believes and is instilling that belief in her daughter, that any person is capable of molestation. Basically that you can't trust anyone.

The only thing to do is accept their beliefs and try not to take them personally. It's really easy to understand how parents with abusive childhoods can become way overprotective parents.

Maybe your daughter's friend's parents will relax once they've gotten to know you better. What about inviting them over for dinner or a BBQ or something?

 

[lady_bug_888]

I have heard of this before. I have several friends of middle eastern descent. Most of them were not born in the middle east however none of them were able to be at my house when an adult male was at the house. This was from the time I was a child and even as an adult. I have one friend who is 31 and she still has very strict rules. This is a cultural and NOT a religious thing.

 

[Colleen27]

We've run across families that weren't comfortable with their girls coming over when ONLY DH was home with the kids and some that won't allow their daughters to sleep over because we have a teenage son, but none that objected to the kids just coming over to play when both DH & I are here. Some people just aren't comfortable with their kids being around adult men, sometimes because of a personal history of abuse and sometimes just because of our culture of fear. I wouldn't give it much thought.

 

[ancestry]

My first thought was that the child or someone in the family suffered some type of abuse or molestation.

 

[tigger51276]

Yup I have to agree it either sounds like a cultural thing or an abuse issue and I wouldn't take either personally. But once you feel comfortable enough I'd ask.

 

[pinkprincess30]

My first guess is that they are helicopter parents and are worried that your DH will do something to their DD. Maybe once they get to know you that will change. Without knowing where you live and what kind of culture this family has, it is hard to say if it is a cultural thing. Personally, I've never heard of any one around our community not allowing their DD's to play while the dad is home.

I agree with this. I am not sure I would let my young child play when ONLY a male chaperone is home. Sorry if that makes me sound like a "helicopter" parent, but it's just what we feel comfortable with until we really get to know a family.

Don't take it personally. Actually, you can take comfort in the fact that these parents are conservative/protective which boads well for a safe environment when your child visits them.

 

[Disney_1derland]

I have heard of this before. I have several friends of middle eastern descent. Most of them were not born in the middle east however none of them were able to be at my house when an adult male was at the house. This was from the time I was a child and even as an adult. I have one friend who is 31 and she still has very strict rules. This is a cultural and NOT a religious thing.

Thanks. I will take this as confirmation of it being a cultural limitation. We are not offended in the least. But, we do try to understand the cultural differences between our family and those of our friends as we would never want to offend anyone.

We love learning about the cultures we are surrounded with. My daughter came home so excited last night that she got to eat a traditional egyptian meal. She finds American food to be boring, but will try ANYTHING if it comes from a different culture. this is the same kid that likes brussel sprouts on a daily basis. She's my weird one

 

[PrincessAbby'sMom]

My husband is a police officer & will only allow my daughter to have friends over that he knows the parents very well. She may have anyone when I am home or when we are both home.... I guess more of a job security thing?!? You never know who he has written a ticket to that may want revenge on him - I guess I see his point.
But there are always reasons why somewhere...

 

[Jareds_mommy]

Maybe they just don't want to interrupt your family time.

that is the first thing I though of too,

 

[juliebean]

We have quirks like this in our neighborhood too - one of my son's very good friends is Egyptian, and he is not allowed to stay overnight at anyone's home - but can have sleepovers at his home. I am not sure if it is cultural, or just a familial preference - but I've always just decided to trust that his parents are looking out for his welfare how they feel is best.

But, I understand where you are coming from, I too am fascinated by the cultural differences. My son's 5th graduation - I have a picture of him with his 4 buddies...from Jamaica, the Phillippines, India and China. All great boys and I know he's better for having all of them as friends, I'm sure you and your daughter feel the same about her friends, playdate quirks and all!

 

[USAND3KIDS]

As a victim of sexual abuse when I was a child I now have a 5....almost 6 year old daughter and I feel very uncomfortable having her stay any length of time in a house where a man is present and I am not there. Even at the MOLs house for a sleepover as she has a boyfriend now.

I'm sure it's no offense to you or your husband. Some people just worry about things like that a lot. Trust me, when it has happened to you, there is no lengths you wouldn't go to in order to try to make sure it doesn't happen to your children. It changes the person you are forever and the kind of person you will become in the future. These types of people should really start being charged with murder. They absolutely kill the person you could have become.

Wow that was a gloomy response....sorry guys.

 

[duffy]

As a victim of sexual abuse when I was a child I now have a 5....almost 6 year old daughter and I feel very uncomfortable having her stay any length of time in a house where a man is present and I am not there. Even at the MOLs house for a sleepover as she has a boyfriend now.

I'm sure it's no offense to you or your husband. Some people just worry about things like that a lot. Trust me, when it has happened to you, there is no lengths you wouldn't go to in order to try to make sure it doesn't happen to your children. It changes the person you are forever and the kind of person you will become in the future. These types of people should really start being charged with murder. They absolutely kill the person you could have become.

Wow that was a gloomy response....sorry guys.

Totally understandable, and no need to apologize.

 

[gwiz5kids]

We were never allowed to visits friends houses when their Dad was home because our Dad worked 9-5 and it was a show of respect. We always knew to leave when the father came home because more than likely he was exhausted and did not need to see a bunch of foreign kids running around his house. We also never entered a house if the woman of the house was not home. I don't think that it is religious or cultural, its more respect and manners. It went with the times.

 

[~Kristina~]

I wouldn't take it personally. Maybe there was issues in the family's past of sexual abuse or something along those lines and they just aren't comfortable.