Cutting Funeral costs-not follwing wishes of Loved one

[Swan4Me]

For those of you posting condolences, you may want to re-read the first post -- it doesn't say anywhere in that post that OP's MIL passed-away (and, if she did, I would imagine there would be other things needing to be done besides logging-on to the DISboards).

With that said, OP made this post over at the Community Board shortly after she started this thread:



Looks to me as if OP is looking for validation from the BB to go cheap on a funeral (that hasn't yet happened), so they can attend the big wedding, and maybe other things?

Just my .02

........my MIL is still alive...and why wouldnt we attend our son's wedding?


My concern is because none of us are practicing Catholics - except SIL- no one will participate, know WHEN to do readings or want to carry the gifts. BTW - my MIL raised the kids Catholic but she herself didn't become a Catholic until her 50's ( she is 86)....... The chapel is simply easier

 

[mkymouse1928]

A mass doesn't add expense necessarily. You can have the visitation in the church prior to the mass OR have Mother cremated and have a memorial mass with/or without her ashes present or have no visitation and just have a memorial mass after she's buried.

There's lots of ways within the Catholic faith to have a "proper" burial and remain mindful of the costs.

Good luck, OP. we dealt with this when my DM passed; luckily, however, most of her last wishes were not difficult to follow.

I just wanted to second this post. When we lost my grandmother, the visitation was held at the church immediately before the funeral. There was a 30 min private visitation for just family (her children and grandchildren) and then about an hour for anyone else, with the Mass immediately following. It was lovely, and a perfect way to honor her. The added bonus (if you can call it a bonus) was that the awfulness of the situation only lasted the one day. We didn't have to do the visitation the night before, and then the funeral and burial the next day.

As a practicing Catholic, the Mass is the important part of the funeral, not the other stuff. I would not cut out the Mass simply to save money.

 

[Friendly Frog]

... he donated his body to science so we would (eventually) get it cremated for free.

I have already told everyone I want my body donated to science. I am done with it so what better thing can I do than to let someone learn from it. I did not think about the cremation. Do you know if they will return the ashes to the family? ( Not that it matters to me that much.)

 

[AntePrincess]

........my MIL is still alive...and why wouldnt we attend our son's wedding?


My concern is because none of us are practicing Catholics - except SIL- no one will participate, know WHEN to do readings or want to carry the gifts. BTW - my MIL raised the kids Catholic but she herself didn't become a Catholic until her 50's ( she is 86)....... The chapel is simply easier

Not to be mean, but who said death was easy?

There are many ways to have a memorial mass, whether with the body, cremated remains, or nothing at all. You can also sponsor requiem masses performed for your deceased from almost any religious community such as a monastery. There's no good excuse to skip it entirely if it matters to her.

 

[MomToOne]

I have already told everyone I want my body donated to science. I am done with it so what better thing can I do than to let someone learn from it. I did not think about the cremation. Do you know if they will return the ashes to the family? ( Not that it matters to me that much.)

The organization my father donated through does return the ashes to the family, although they say it can be anywhere from 1 to 8 years before they are sent (I think they said typical is 2-3 years). It has now been over 2 years since my father's death, and we haven't received the ashes yet.

If you do want to donate your body, be aware there is paperwork that must be done ahead of time. My father had to have two of us kids (there are 5 of us) sign saying we were fine with him donating his body. They do not want families getting into fights over it. Someone also needs to know to call the organization immediately upon death. My father passed away at home, and when he died the organization was the one that picked the body up from the house and was responsible for the death certificate. Obviously, you need to find an organization in your area for those reasons.

When we receive them, I believe we are going to have the ashes interred in a Veteran's cemetary. My father would be proud to have his service recognized, and happy that it's free. Or we will scatter his ashes somewhere, although that can actually be difficult due to the various laws.

 

[IndianaPrincess]

........my MIL is still alive...and why wouldnt we attend our son's wedding?


My concern is because none of us are practicing Catholics - except SIL- no one will participate, know WHEN to do readings or want to carry the gifts. BTW - my MIL raised the kids Catholic but she herself didn't become a Catholic until her 50's ( she is 86)....... The chapel is simply easier

Your MIL's parish will have daily Mass-goers who can take on the roles that you mentioned. If you discuss your concerns with the priest, he will be able to ask someone to help out.

Please, please, please know that the Funeral Mass is very important to us as Catholics. I take comfort knowing that my family will do me right after I have passed. As others suggested, this isn't a budget issue. You can do it right for her on a limited budget. The Church will work with your family when needed.

 

[crisi]

Your MIL's parish will have daily Mass-goers who can take on the roles that you mentioned. If you discuss your concerns with the priest, he will be able to ask someone to help out.

Please, please, please know that the Funeral Mass is very important to us as Catholics. I take comfort knowing that my family will do me right after I have passed. As others suggested, this isn't a budget issue. You can do it right for her on a limited budget. The Church will work with your family when needed.

And if you discuss your concerns with the priest, its quite possible that arrangements can be made. Catholic masses don't need to happen in churches (25 years ago there used to be one Sunday mornings at the lagoon at the Poly) and Catholic funerals don't need to have the body present. Both are preferable, but if the priest understands that this is important to your mother, but not something that the family is going to spring for, its very likely that arrangements can be made. (A small donation to the church is still appropriate, but your big expenses with a church funeral are going to be in transport and the funeral home attendants - no body - you won't need them. No church, and you'll just do the mass as part of the visitation.)

 

[MomToOne]

My concern is because none of us are practicing Catholics - except SIL- no one will participate, know WHEN to do readings or want to carry the gifts. BTW - my MIL raised the kids Catholic but she herself didn't become a Catholic until her 50's ( she is 86)....... The chapel is simply easier

The priest will help you know with subtle signals when it is time for someone to come up for a reading (there are only 2 done by the family). I did one at my father's mass, my sister-in-law - not a Catholic - did the other. You will have the readings ahead of time, if that helps you feel less nervous. You usually pick the readings from a list given to you by the church when planning the Mass, so you can select ones that seem the most appropriate for the deceased.

There will also be "helpers" there that will let you know what to do and when with the gifts. In our case, we had my father's grandchildren do it - they were 10 and 13 at the time (none of them Catholics). It wasn't a big deal. We walked them through the basic idea right before the mass, the helper set them up with the gifts when it was time, and the priest gave them a signal when it was time to go back to the pews.

Most churches these days will also allow a family member to speak for a few minutes at one point (it's not officially called a eulogy). But if no one wants to do it, the priest will handle it.

The priest and his staff will help you through all of this - you usually meet with the priest ahead of time to plan it all. They make it a very easy process.

As someone else mentioned, a Catholic mass is a very soothing, comforting thing. While I have my issues with the Catholic church, I have always found great solace in the ritual of mass. I don't think you would regret doing it. But you might eventually regret not doing it.

 

[danceintherain]

........my MIL is still alive...and why wouldnt we attend our son's wedding?


My concern is because none of us are practicing Catholics - except SIL- no one will participate, know WHEN to do readings or want to carry the gifts. BTW - my MIL raised the kids Catholic but she herself didn't become a Catholic until her 50's ( she is 86)....... The chapel is simply easier

When my grandfather died earlier this year, the priest and funeral home director were both amazed at how involved my family was in the funeral. Apparently, a lot of people choose not to participate in the funerals of family members. Maybe it scares people to stand up and do things in front of other people? I don't know, because I've never had a problem with it, especially in those kinds of situations.
I'm sure you will be able to participate in some manner should you choose to do so. If you have the funeral at the funeral home would you participate more, and why? Sometimes it's a matter of figuring out your motives. Obviously, there are other costs that can be cut, so if she really wants the mass I don't know if it matters that no one will be able to participate.

 

[badblackpug]

Okay, please bear with me. I am not Catholic, I am not even Christian. My family is a religious mess, though, and I do have a point.

We had a family member that was Catholic, she converted when she got married. The church was very important to her, and she was very active in the church up until her last few years when she was too sick to go. When she passed away we honored her wishes and had a Catholic mass (which caused quite a rift with some of the more devout family members) ...but I digress again.

Anyway, we spoke with the monsignor. He performed the mass. He was very good about telling us when to sit/stand, etc. As for the other parts of the mass a group of women, and, again, bear with me, the Altar and Rosary Society ??? Performed the other parts of the mass. Again, we aren't even Christian, so we were at a total loss.

The monsignor was very good and helpful about helping us to arrange the whole thing.

I agree with others, if her religion was important to her that shouldn't be the area in which you scrimp. Save money elsewhere. Flowers, casket, announcements, luncheons, etc.

 

[Sadie22]

I attended a funeral mass recently where the priest did all the readings. There is no requirement that family participate. As far as expense, the mass will cost little. I hope your husband and his sister decide to respect their mother's wishes. It will, after all, be their last chance to do so, and a failure here will have no chance for do overs but there will be years to suffer regret.

 

[bumbershoot]

I have already told everyone I want my body donated to science.

Get those plans in place, do the research for your family! The other poster had more knowledge about it, and I'm just here to say that it's hard to talk about with someone (MIL was freaking out a few months ago while sick and in ICU, again, and told me she wanted to donate and i'm supposed to figure it out....uh, HOW, exactly, am I supposed to bring this up now???) and hard to figure out exactly what she would want.

The priest will help you know with subtle signals when it is time for someone to come up for a reading (there are only 2 done by the family).

Or not so subtle. At the service for the father of my oldest friend, it was all laid out in the program (sort of like for a wedding), and the priest called them up. He even told people when to stand, sit, and kneel if they chose. It was a far cry from the Catholic services I attended with that friend and my other Catholic friends in the 80s, when you were just expected to KNOW things...

When my grandfather died earlier this year, the priest and funeral home director were both amazed at how involved my family was in the funeral. Apparently, a lot of people choose not to participate in the funerals of family members. Maybe it scares people to stand up and do things in front of other people?

Maybe they are too much in grief and know they would be a sobbing, blubbering mess.

Only one person was able to speak at my mom's funeral; everyone else was almost too devastated to keep living, let alone *speak*. Thankfully the friend that spoke did an *amazing* job, but if you even mention her name to my brother's wife she starts to cry, and I've actually forgotten what she said (was nearly blind and deaf with grief for a LONG time), so we don't think/talk about it often in the family.

NOt just fear, but knowledge of themselves.

........my MIL is still alive...

As an FYI, it really didn't sound like it in your posts.

Since she's here, TALK to her about it. Well, not you. Have her children talk to her. Maybe there's money you guys don't know about? Like, I'm annoyed yet glad to know that my MIL has no money, and we'll get to pay for her cremation all on our own. OH, she's been putting in scads of money to an insurance policy to pay each of her children a not-that-big sum of money, simply because it woudl shame her to leave nothing (like her husband managed to do), but of course that won't be there immediately, and she doesn't seem to understand that if the kids get 1K each and then we have to pay $800 (the price in '06 for FIL) plus the Korean Buddhist memorial expenses a couple months later (money for the monk, invite her temple people, pay for the FOOD), that insurance goes to almost nothing! Would have been far better to forget the insurance and SAVE that money.

We've talked about it countless times with her, and she refuses. Too shameful for her.


You guys deserve the right to *know* where MIL stands right now, with what she wants, knowing what money she has, what money there will be after she dies, and what money her children have.

 

[danceintherain]

Maybe they are too much in grief and know they would be a sobbing, blubbering mess.

Only one person was able to speak at my mom's funeral; everyone else was almost too devastated to keep living, let alone *speak*. Thankfully the friend that spoke did an *amazing* job, but if you even mention her name to my brother's wife she starts to cry, and I've actually forgotten what she said (was nearly blind and deaf with grief for a LONG time), so we don't think/talk about it often in the family.

NOt just fear, but knowledge of themselves.

I can accept that. The point I was trying to make is that apparently it's not that uncommon for loved ones to not participate at funerals.
It is a good idea to talk to her about it as much as possible now (assuming she's at all coherent) because there might be something that is a complete no go. Obviously, there are financial concerns, but may the flowers are more important to her than the Catholic mass. Nobody will know unless they ask.

 

[HelenePA]

The organization my father donated through does return the ashes to the family, although they say it can be anywhere from 1 to 8 years before they are sent (I think they said typical is 2-3 years). It has now been over 2 years since my father's death, and we haven't received the ashes yet.

If you do want to donate your body, be aware there is paperwork that must be done ahead of time. My father had to have two of us kids (there are 5 of us) sign saying we were fine with him donating his body. They do not want families getting into fights over it. Someone also needs to know to call the organization immediately upon death. My father passed away at home, and when he died the organization was the one that picked the body up from the house and was responsible for the death certificate. Obviously, you need to find an organization in your area for those reasons.

When we receive them, I believe we are going to have the ashes interred in a Veteran's cemetary. My father would be proud to have his service recognized, and happy that it's free. Or we will scatter his ashes somewhere, although that can actually be difficult due to the various laws.

My dad also donated his body to science. We got his ashes back with in 35 days. The place who took him said the longest it would be is 2 months. They arrive via UPS and you'll have to sign for them there is a fee, I believe it was less than 200$ total (that included a few copies of his death certificate) and we paid via paypal... (my dad would have laughed his butt off if he only knew the half of what we had to go thru to get this done for him...) he's actually sitting above me on my computer center.

 

[NYCDiane]

QUESTION FOR THE OP: Have you spoken to you mother in law about who's going to bear the cost for all this???? Does she have enough of an insurance policy to cover all that she's asking for in her funeral?

I would just ask her and see what her response is. There's no reason why anyone should have to pick up the cost of all this and make all the preps on specific things she wants. If she wants things to be so specific, etc, then she needs to get with her priest and plan it out with him. She should also make sure there's enough $$$ to cover all she wants. If not, then she's going to have to figure out something else.

 

[MrsPete]

........my MIL is still alive...and why wouldnt we attend our son's wedding?

It's not reasonable to think that you'd need to forego your own child's wedding to fund an elaborate funeral. All of us have to make choices about how to use our limited funds, but I'm not hearing that you can't manage both -- just that you're trying to plan how to best use what you have.

QUESTION FOR THE OP: Have you spoken to you mother in law about who's going to bear the cost for all this???? Does she have enough of an insurance policy to cover all that she's asking for in her funeral?

Given that she's still living, you do have the opportunty to do this. Since she's been so interested in planning her funeral for years, she might welcome the chance to talk about it -- though she won't like the part about cutting back. You'll have to ask these questions gently. I'd ask what are the three most important items . . . okay, now put them in order of importance.

 

[Swan4Me]

It's not reasonable to think that you'd need to forego your own child's wedding to fund an elaborate funeral. All of us have to make choices about how to use our limited funds, but I'm not hearing that you can't manage both -- just that you're trying to plan how to best use what you have.

OP-I can tell you there is no way I would not attend my child's wedding to pay for an elaborate funeral..we will have to pay some towards her funeral-she has a small policy and has already drained most of the $$ from her house with the reverse Mortgage

Given that she's still living, you do have the opportunty to do this. Since she's been so interested in planning her funeral for years, she might welcome the chance to talk about it -- though she won't like the part about cutting back. You'll have to ask these questions gently. I'd ask what are the three most important items . . . okay, now put them in order of importance.

I started this thread because the one thing she insists on-as recently as this weekend (when we went to the wake with no attendees, except kids and grandkids, but they did the long 2 day wake thing and church service)...is the Big Mass at her Church.

I have casually discussed how many folks do a service in the Chapel of the funeral home and she does not want that

 

[crisi]

I started this thread because the one thing she insists on-as recently as this weekend (when we went to the wake with no attendees, except kids and grandkids, but they did the long 2 day wake thing and church service)...is the Big Mass at her Church.

I have casually discussed how many folks do a service in the Chapel of the funeral home and she does not want that

Just don't transport the body. And let the priest do the mass. It will cost you $100 donation.

 

[disneygoof]

If the one thing she insists on is the Mass, it seems to me that if you need to cut costs, you should do without a wake. Then make the burial private so you don't have the expense of a luncheon following the burial service.

 

[Happy vacationer]

If her wishes are for a big church funeral why not skip the funeral home showing and just have a viewing at the church for a couple hours before the service starts. That way you can honor her wishes and cut costs by not paying for the usual funeral home charges for a 1 or 2 day showing there.