Custody issues

[mickeynminnie08]

Hi there. Looking for a little input, goin to the lawyer today so just really wanted someone to talk to.
My son (who is now 16) went to live with his father at age 10. Custody was changed and he now has custody of him while I have custody of our youngest two. My son now wants to move back home, which he told his father he is doing this weekend. I know not the best strategy on his part. He should have discussed it thoroughly instead of just jamming it down his throat. Well, my ex-husband is now threatening him with the cops if he doesn't come back from my house after my weekend.
What would you do? I really wanted this to be amicable and just talk out how we would go about this, but because I wasn't the one who initiated this his father will not even talk to me.
Pretty much know the answer (go to the lawyer), but just needed someone to talk to.

Oh, also we leave for Florida in a month and a week and I'm quite afraid his father won't let him leave the state now.

 

[wilma-bride]

I really can't offer an answer (or any advice) as custody law is probably completely different in the US than it is here in the UK. At 16, in the UK, a child has the right to live where they like unless the authorities have reason to believe they are at risk. I know this because my 17-year old daughter recently left home and there was absolutely nothing we could do to make her come back

From experience, I know that children can often use their parents as weapons against each other. If your husband has custody of your son and the law states that he cannot choose where he resides, then I think you don't have a choice other than to make your son return home to his Dad. Obviously, I don't know the background as to why your son has suddenly decided he no longer wants to live with his Dad but I am assuming it's because he has a problem with the rules he is being set or some other disagreement regards parenting style. If that is the case, then (assuming you were content with the custody arrangements originally), it would be pretty unfair of you to undermine your ex-husband by allowing your son to pick and choose. Additionally, if you want it to remain amicable, then it is in your interests to make your son go back.

I will caveat everything I have said above with the fact that I am not in possession of all the background and am making some assumptions (possibly incorrectly).

I do hope it gets sorted, though. I went through a very long and hard custody battle (and lost) when my girls were much, much younger and I know how desperate you can feel when you are separated from your child/ren.

 

[The Pink Cupcake]

My son (who is now 16) went to live with his father at age 10. Custody was changed and he now has custody of him while I have custody of our youngest two.

This may have everything to do with what a court decides. If you don't mind sharing, why didn't you get custody of your son?

 

[dfchelbay]

This may have everything to do with what a court decides. If you don't mind sharing, why didn't you get custody of your son?

Original posts reads as if the son wanted to live with his dad when he was 10 years old, and mom voluntarily changed the custody agreement at that time. She retained custody of their two younger children at that time until present.

 

[Darcy03231]

Divorce/custody laws can vary a lot from state to state. Most states do have an "age of consent" type of law that takes into consideration where the child wants to live, depending on age and maturity. Some states set a specific age and others its kind of ambiguous. By the age of 16 though I don't think you will have any trouble if your son wants to live with you.

As far as your ex's threat to call the police, here the police view it as a civil matter and won't get involved unless there is some type of threat or danger to the children. You might want to call your local police department and explain the circumstances and see what they say.

Is there a specific reason your son is so anxious to not go back to his dad's? That would definitely play into my decision on how to handle it. If its just wanting to move back I would explain to him that while he's old enough to make the decision, there are legal issues that need to be worked out first and that I would get right on it and do it as fast as I could, but we had to work within the legal system. If there is a specific reason, and based on that reason, I might have him move back, and then let the chips fall where they may.

Good luck.

 

[mickeynminnie08]

Thank you all for your well thought out advice. My son is sitting down this evening and discussing the matter with his father. His stepmom and I talked today and it sounds as though my son decided he would tell them Sunday and just be able to move Friday.
We discussed that it may take longer than a week for all to come to an agreement, again thank you for letting me vent.

 

[Mama Who]

At 16 I think he has the moral right to choose which home he lives in and generally a judge will agree. That said, barring any abuse or danger at his father's I would require him to follow proper procedures for a custody change rather than just up and declaring that he was doing so. (This could mean anything from a calm talk with Dad to petitioning the court.) He chose to live there and if he wants to change his mind, swell, more power to him, but being old enough to make that call means being old enough to handle the situation politely.

I would always let my son come home from such a situation. I would not let him hurt or disrespect his bio dad in the process. (Obviously if there's any sort of danger at Dad's all bets are off.)

I hope everyone can come to an agreement that causes minimal distress. I am sure it will be hard for your ex to see his son go, just as it must have been tough on you six years ago. Sounds like your son is lucky to have two parents who want him.

 

[Michelle67]

Vent away.

I know nothing about Illinois, but in Washington a child has the right to decide for themselves at the age of 13, as long as both households are safe and appropriate environments.

Best wishes. I'm really glad that you have good communication with the step parent---that kind of thing was a HUGE blessing in my situation. I hope that everyone can continue to communicate and come to a solution that works for you all.

 

[livie1205]

In Fl they do not let the child choose but if there is some sort of abuse going on then all bets are off...other then that file a motion and they will prob give you at least 50/50 if the dad does not agree to full custody.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

What I would do would completely depend on why the boy wants to move. Without this information, how can anyone provide advice. Good advice for one reason is horrible advice if another.

 

[mickeynminnie08]

No abuse, he hasn't been disciplined by his father since he was 12. That being said is part of why I think he wants to move back to my house. He never sees his father, he is either at work or spending time with friends. He spends most of the time with his stepmother who is 7 years older than he is, and he has never seen her as the motherly type. She has tried to be his friend, but he just alienates her from everything.

 

[Darcy03231]

No abuse, he hasn't been disciplined by his father since he was 12. That being said is part of why I think he wants to move back to my house. He never sees his father, he is either at work or spending time with friends. He spends most of the time with his stepmother who is 7 years older than he is, and he has never seen her as the motherly type. She has tried to be his friend, but he just alienates her from everything.

In this case I would file the paperwork with the Court right away (as they tend to move very slowly) and in the meantime try to work it out with your ex. I would explain to DS that while you want to have him live with you and he's old enough to make that choice, you have a legal system you need to work through so you don't get in any trouble. If you can work something out with the ex, you can get a written agreement and file that with the Court and withdraw your motion.

 

[NHdisneylover]

What I would do would completely depend on why the boy wants to move. Without this information, how can anyone provide advice. Good advice for one reason is horrible advice if another.

I agree. Especially given the way in which the boy announced his intention to move with no warning to either parent and assuming he could just up and go in a couple of days without everyone talking it out leads me to believe that he may not have a very good reason.

It might be that he really feels he will be more comfortable over all with his mother, or will really like the schools there better or any number of valid reasons. On the other hand, he may have broken up with a girl friend and wants to get away, or maybe he thinks his mom will have more lax rules than his dad and step mother, etc. I think it is is really important to talk about what the motivation is and what he can really expect after the move before doing anything.

No abuse, he hasn't been disciplined by his father since he was 12. That being said is part of why I think he wants to move back to my house. He never sees his father, he is either at work or spending time with friends. He spends most of the time with his stepmother who is 7 years older than he is, and he has never seen her as the motherly type. She has tried to be his friend, but he just alienates her from everything.

Your guess could absolutely be right, but I do think you need to find out from HIM what his motivation is (and share what your expectations will be) rather than going on your assumptions (not saying that is what you plan to do).

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

No abuse, he hasn't been disciplined by his father since he was 12. That being said is part of why I think he wants to move back to my house. He never sees his father, he is either at work or spending time with friends. He spends most of the time with his stepmother who is 7 years older than he is, and he has never seen her as the motherly type. She has tried to be his friend, but he just alienates her from everything.

You are guessing - probably because you want him with you. I understand, but this can teach him some very bad things. I can think of many reasons that he might have for wanting to move in with you, at least half of which I wouldn't support if it were my son.

As for the whole "custody" thing - since it isn't abuse, you should sort this out with the boy's father. Talk to your son and his father at the same time so there are no lies. Make them say what they are thinking if front of one another. Get this out so it can be put behind you.

 

[mickeynminnie08]

I have custody of our other two children (full) which he sees every other weekend. Talked with him for a while yesterday, well I talked he played video games and ignored me for 10 minutes. Then says "I'm getting joint custody of all of them, every weekend, and no child support or I'm not agreeing to anything". UGH!!!
The only time we spend time together as a family is on my weekends. Kids are in cheerleading, a band, and have their own things going on through the week (and most weekends). My daughter not only cheers at games, she goes hours away for cheerleading competitions (none of which he has Ever gone to) which are on weekends.
So it sounds like a custody battle is what he Wants.

 

[RachaelA]

I have custody of our other two children (full) which he sees every other weekend. Talked with him for a while yesterday, well I talked he played video games and ignored me for 10 minutes. Then says "I'm getting joint custody of all of them, every weekend, and no child support or I'm not agreeing to anything". UGH!!!
The only time we spend time together as a family is on my weekends. Kids are in cheerleading, a band, and have their own things going on through the week (and most weekends). My daughter not only cheers at games, she goes hours away for cheerleading competitions (none of which he has Ever gone to) which are on weekends.
So it sounds like a custody battle is what he Wants.

Um... too bad there is probably a slim chance he'll not have to pay child support. Even if he some how got custody every weekend that's still only 20% of the time. It usually needs to be 50/50 before there is no child support!