Confidence as Parents

[PollyannaMom]

So this is a spinoff of the "Your Baby Can Read" thread - because I realized that if I kept typing I would be going way past the subject and didn't want to hijack. - In the other thread, I agreed with th OP and said I didn't like the ads for this program either, and thought it was too much pressure on parents, as well as on kids.

It got me thinking about all the tons of advice and information out there now (both product-based, and other) that seems to be aimed at making parents feel they are not doing a good job if they are not doing x,y,z... (My pet peeve is actually the one that implies the ONLY way to properly communicate as a family is to eat dinner together every night.)

So, my question is - do you think all this is making parents feel insecure, and that, that, in turn, is one of the contributing factors in many children today being more "spoiled" and less respctful of adults? (Kind of a - they know they can wheedle us down / get a way with stuff, because we aren't sure of ourselves in the first place - thing?)

 

[Sparx]

it isn't really you. its advertising. in my college intro-psychology class we talked about advertising means. its all about making you form associations that will last, instantly. the best way to do that is to tell you that you're going to be a better (whatever, mother, tennis player, student) if you buy this product. at the point when they tell you that you could be better, you begin to feel inferior, and you feel the need to compensate. its not just parents. parents are just one of the easier crowds because there are SO many things parents need and they need them for so long. the same thing happens with, lets say Axe commercials. according to Axe, if you have trouble getting a girlfriend, use axe and you will have women crawling all over you. If you have trouble getting a child potty trained, buy this potty chair and you will be successful. its all advertising, and as humans, we fall victim to it.

 

[Kirby]

I haven't read the other thread but it's possible. Our kids are a product of a "I want it now" generation. They don't have to wait for things like maybe we did as children.

I think that sometimes we were better off in a world where there wasn't so much information available. But on the flip side, it's good to be able to have so much information out there where we can research things and make up our own opinion.

It seems that a lot of parents, not everyone, just give their kids whatever they want, the latest and greatest gadgets, the newest toys on the market, etc. Some don't follow through on consequences. While with others, the kids learn by the parent's example. It's all a combination of one or all of the above.

 

[Jen_in_NH]

I agree that parents are probably insecure - even without all of the junk being advertised. As soon as I held my baby, I realized I had no clue how to take care of him and such

A lot of what you read and hear about these days in regards to raising kids is about teaching them early, potty training early, all the activities they must be in as a 3 year old, etc. The baby magazine articles tell you that this is all good for their development, their independence, and their future success in school. So as parents, who likely already have busy schedules, you think "I have to do all these things for my kid so they have the same opportunities to do well as all the other kids, who clearly do all of these things"

On the other hand, you have lots of articles telling you about things you do that are bad for your children - ie, no TV for kids under 2, no added sugars, not going outside without sunscreen/hat/bugspray/rash guard clothes, etc. While all of this makes sense, it does so in moderation. Is 8 hours of TV a day a good idea? Of course not. Is watching Sesame Street once a week going to rot their brain? Of course not. But when you read everything saying NEVER EVER DO THAT, you feel like a bad parent for doing it.

So yes, I think a lot of the info out there is making parents question themselves constantly. Whether that is leading to more kids getting away with stuff, or not, I can't tell.

 

[EdiePA]

My sons are 26 and 24 now, so I can look back at this question. As a grandma, I feel so sorry for parents these days. You are bombarded with so many theories, so many products, so that your child may be perfect. And somehow, you're given the idea that to do less than that is to fail.

Case in point, when my boys were small, you had a tiny section of safety products -- latches, etc. Now Babies 'R US has four aisles of safety stuff. What's a parent to do?

Our pediatrician was wonderful and truly believed in mother's intuition and doing the best you can. That's all you can do.

Blessings,
Edie

 

[diznygirl]

Parents need to have the common sense to balance everything out. It's not all or nothing. I learned this early on while reading a pregnancy book. The prevailing theme was "Never do this but if you do don't worry about it." How's that for a definite maybe?

 

[dejr_8]

So, my question is - do you think all this is making parents feel insecure, and that, that, in turn, is one of the contributing factors in many children today being more "spoiled" and less respctful of adults? (Kind of a - they know can wheedle us down / get a way with stuff, because we aren't sure of ourselves in the first place - thing?)

The reason I believe we have so many spoiled children is because we have so many two income families.

1) kids are placed into daycare at an early age where the supervision is (generally) less than they would receive at home.

2) As the kids get older, they are then placed in before or after school programs where again the level of supervision is low.

3) I think #1 and #2 lead to the kids learning (bad) behaviors from other kids. Let's face it, a group of kids at any age don't really exhibit great social behavior (strong pick on weak, etc)

4) Then at the end of a long, hard day of work, tired parents have to deal with kids in the short time available (a few hours before bed). The easiest way to deal with kids is to spoil them as opposed to ruin those few hours each day. Some would argue quality over quantity.

I AM NOT saying these are bad parents or putting you kids in daycare makes you a bad parent I am just saying there are consequences to having a two income family.

 

[DVCLiz]

The reason I believe we have so many spoiled children is because we have so many two income families.

1) kids are placed into daycare at an early age where the supervision is (generally) less than they would receive at home.

2) As the kids get older, they are then placed in before or after school programs where again the level of supervision is low.

3) I think #1 and #2 lead to the kids learning (bad) behaviors from other kids. Let's face it, a group of kids at any age don't really exhibit great social behavior (strong pick on weak, etc)

4) Then at the end of a long, hard day of work, tired parents have to deal with kids in the short time available (a few hours before bed). The easiest way to deal with kids is to spoil them as opposed to ruin those few hours each day. Some would argue quality over quantity.

I AM NOT saying these are bad parents or putting you kids in daycare makes you a bad parent I am just saying there are consequences to having a two income family.

Wow, where to begin.

I think I'll just say that all daycare is not created equal, and that it is a gross generalization to assume that group care = less supervision.

My daughters were the most well behaved girls their preschool had ever seen because they had already learned from daycare what the rules of group behavior were and how to follow them. My youngest was "hand washing instructor" for the entire class because she knew how to wash her hands properly without wasting soap or paper towels - she learned it at daycare because it was an important skill.

Even though I worked full time and we were a two income family, I never had any issues with my girls' behavior. They had expectations at home, at school, and at daycare, and they behaved because we had lovingly taught them what we expected.

I'm sure some parents are lazy and fall on the sofa at night while peeling hundred dollar bills out of their wallets and throwing them at the kids, but again, that wasn't us. Yes, I came home tired, but I still remembered how to be an effective parent.

Really, your whole psot is so insulting but I do try and remember you are a man so maybe you have a different perspective on working mothers and have something emotionally invested in your wife being a SAHM. That's really the only justification I can come up with.

 

[kacaju]

I think it is because many do not have extended family around to help out.

I do agree there is so much out there for new parents that it makes your head spin. Not having a Mother, Aunt, Grandmother, someone who you can trust to give you advice you tend to fall for all the ads..because of course the ads and companies will do their *best* to keep the babies safe.

 

[fussymonkey]

You are bombarded with so many theories, so many products, so that your child may be perfect. And somehow, you're given the idea that to do less than that is to fail.

You are on to something here... it becomes most evident when you are pregnant and you start getting accosted by parents of differing theories (breast/bottle, cloth/disposable, spankers/non-spankers, SAHM/working mom) who say things like "babies were made to be breastfed" or "I didn't want someone else raising my child". New mothers, especially, are so damn convinced that thier way is meaningfully better, when in fact its not really. By the time your kid graduates highschool it won't matter what kind of diaper he had, whether he breast or formula fed or wether his mom stayed home or not. Loving, contientious parenting generally raises good kids, regardless.

The reason I believe we have so many spoiled children is because we have so many two income families.

1) kids are placed into daycare at an early age where the supervision is (generally) less than they would receive at home.

2) As the kids get older, they are then placed in before or after school programs where again the level of supervision is low.

3) I think #1 and #2 lead to the kids learning (bad) behaviors from other kids. Let's face it, a group of kids at any age don't really exhibit great social behavior (strong pick on weak, etc)

4) Then at the end of a long, hard day of work, tired parents have to deal with kids in the short time available (a few hours before bed). The easiest way to deal with kids is to spoil them as opposed to ruin those few hours each day. Some would argue quality over quantity.

I AM NOT saying these are bad parents or putting you kids in daycare makes you a bad parent I am just saying there are consequences to having a two income family.

My guess is you have no clue about daycare. The child/teacher ratio in my state is 1 to 4. When those teachers are working, they are 100% focused on the class and kids. When my kids are at daycare the teachers are loving them, cuddling them, reprimanding them and engaging them in activities and projects. When they are home with me all day, they watch Dora while I do dishes and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse while I do a couple loads of laundry. Sure we go to the park, run errands and do fun stuff, but the idea that parents who stay home with thier very young child give them a load of attention is inaccurate- there is still a house to maintain and meals to prepare.

Also, most of us don't spoil our children becuase its easier. That IS offensive. Dealing with a spoiled child is not easier or less exhausting than dealing with a child that has been appropriately disciplined.

The reality is there is not one right way to raise children, there are many, many right ways.

 

[eeyoremum]

I find I am a confident parent. I don't tend to listen to the nonsense spouted by so called "experts". I have learned a few things along the way and still have things to learn.

Some of the things I know:

I am very glad some had "natural" child birth. I took the drugs offered. That makes me no less a mother.

Kids don't all read at 3. Most kids pick up reading closer to 9 or 10. I have sons with learning issues. Believe me I have done more research on the topic than most teachers.

My kids are awesome. With kids you get what you expect. I expect proper behaviour at all time. I run a tight ship so to speak

Don't talk about the "bad" things your kids do. If anyone asks my kids are 'awesome". I will never tell anyone when they misbehave. People like to dwell on the negitive so I don't provide anything for them to dwell on.

I would NEVER let anyone label my child (eg: the "terrible twos") I hate that term and won't let people use it in front of me. I say they are the "terrific twos" it is just a stage and like all stages it will pass. I also would not put up with the typical two behaviour. I would use it as a teachable moment.

All this being said I find I have little patients for small kids anymore. Mine are only 10 and 15 but I find the shift in parenting lately drives me insane. I was in my yard and listened to a parent dealing with a screaming child not getting her way.....after about 5 minutes the parent gave in. THAT is how brats are raised. They LEARN that screaming enough will get them thier way.

 

[C.Ann]

As a mother, stepmother, and a grandmother, I say follow your gut instincts - no matter what - and remember that no "two" of your children are exactly alike.. Each child has their own individual personality and will respond to different circumstances in different ways..

As for the ads and printed advice? If it feels right to you, follow it - if not, don't - and of course there is always the option of "picking and choosing" what you feel is or isn't right for your particular family..

Not even going to touch the "spoiled kids" thing..

 

[Pigeon]

The reason I believe we have so many spoiled children is because we have so many two income families.

1) kids are placed into daycare at an early age where the supervision is (generally) less than they would receive at home.

2) As the kids get older, they are then placed in before or after school programs where again the level of supervision is low.

3) I think #1 and #2 lead to the kids learning (bad) behaviors from other kids. Let's face it, a group of kids at any age don't really exhibit great social behavior (strong pick on weak, etc)

4) Then at the end of a long, hard day of work, tired parents have to deal with kids in the short time available (a few hours before bed). The easiest way to deal with kids is to spoil them as opposed to ruin those few hours each day. Some would argue quality over quantity.

I AM NOT saying these are bad parents or putting you kids in daycare makes you a bad parent I am just saying there are consequences to having a two income family.

This is just hilarious.

No, the cause of too many spoiled kids is stay at home parents, who have far too much time on their hands to indulge the little darling's every whim and who can't cut the cord because they have nothing better to do with themselves.

I'm 50 years old and had a SAHM. My parents had 6 kids, which was about average for our very Irish Catholic suburban area. Supervision? You have to be kidding. Our mothers had way too many kids and too much housework to be watching us any too closely. My kids were orders of magnitude better supervised in daycare.

Afterschool programs not supervising? We were turned out of the house to play as soon as we hit the door after school, and didn't come back till dinner. It was the norm, not the exception. I could have been in two states over at the age of 8 and my mother wouldn't have had any idea. Again, my kids are far, far better supervised in afterschool than used to be the norm.

I think the problem is largely media and parents' unwillingness (whether they are working or stay at home parents) to tightly control access. Parents of this generation have more stuff and let the acquisition of stuff be pushed down to a lower and lower age. Every 2nd grader needs a cell phone, a computer and a TV so that they rarely have to have human interactions and are fed advertising all the time.

 

[golfgal]

I think there is pressure to have the "perfect" child. Read posts here about which preschool, which elementary, which high school and even worse, which college should my child attend. You see many people posting that their child has to get into the "best" college. Well, what in the heck is "best"? I came across someone that went to Harvard to get a teaching degree-why?? That Harvard degree is NOT going to get you more pay. Is that the "best" for that career choice, heck no.

There are too many parents living vicariously through their children today, thus wanting the perfect child. Yes, we all want what is best for our children but the PRESSURE parents are putting on their child to be the best is unbelievable.

I think a lot of this first started with the parenting books and has morphed into the latest get rich quick scheme--if my child is the 'best' he/she will make tons of money (usually playing pro sports) and that makes me the perfect parent.

Does it make parents insecure, probably if they fall into the traps. I learned very early on that you can't parent out of a book because guess what, your kid didn't read the same book. I watch my sister do that and her poor kids. She just put her DD13 through months of testing because of book parenting. She had her tested for growth delay--reasonable because her DD is very small for her age but my sister is only 4'11" and BIL is only 5'4". I come to find out she really had her tested because she wasn't developing in the 'right order' according to her book .