co-worker had miscarraige

[Alsobrook]

I think this is one of those things that is so situation dependent. My concern would be people projecting their own sense of how someone handles a miscarriage on the person who actually had the miscarriage. But, everyone is different. Sometimes these things are public when a person would prefer it not be....some people can smile and say thank you for the card, but on the inside are horrified that their miscarriage has generated a response from anyone. Some people embrace the sunshine bag.

I think it's one of those situations where if you really don't know and aren't sure, less is better. In fact, I wouldn't seek someone out to say something.

 

[mom2rtk]

I think this is one of those things that is so situation dependent. My concern would be people projecting their own sense of how someone handles a miscarriage on the person who actually had the miscarriage. But, everyone is different. Sometimes these things are public when a person would prefer it not be....some people can smile and say thank you for the card, but on the inside are horrified that their miscarriage has generated a response from anyone. Some people embrace the sunshine bag.

I think it's one of those situations where if you really don't know and aren't sure, less is better. In fact, I wouldn't seek someone out to say something.

I agree. Best to err on the side of caution with this.

 

[noodle7729]

I agree with the others...it all depends on how well you know someone. I had a miscarriage a 8 weeks last october and it was one of the hardest things that I've dealt with. Yes, it was early in the pregnancy but it had taken us 11 months to get pregnant so it was still devastating. Food would have been wonderful but for me the most important thing was that my loss was acknowledged. Nothing major, a simple I'm sorry, but so many people were afraid to mention it. That made things even harder.

Jamie

 

[spacemountainmom]

I am not looking to be offended. The loss of a baby does not call for a so called baggie of goodies. Would you give that to someone at their child's funeral? At their parent's funeral? So sorry your mom passed away, here's some post it notes to cheer you up.

The purpose of bringing food or a gift certificate for take out for someone that has experienced a loss is because when you are feeling sad you don't usually feel like cooking. I fail to see how a highlighter will help anyone out in that situation.

A happy face giftbag with odds and ends is not thoughtful to the situation.

I agree.

I disagree that people are looking to be offended. In my situation when my friend kept telling me that "it was for the best" and I was "meant to have" my son when he did come along, it was hurtful. I understand with the passage of time that her intention was not to cause pain, however it did. If it is petty to say that a "sunshine bag" would have not made me feel any better and likely would have just been a horrible reminder of my loss, I guess I am petty. As many posters have said, gum and post its weren't going to fix my pain.

I think what everyone is trying to say (unfortunately, this is an emotional topic and it's hard to ignore that) is that unless you really know that your words or actions will be accepted in the spirit in which you intended them - just stick with a simple, "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Every woman is going to react differently to a m/c as evidenced by the responses in this thread. In my case, I did get pregnant again right away. However, I really had a hard time enjoying the pregnancy. The first 12 weeks were just awful until I passed the point where I'd had the m/c. I did relax somewhat, but still found it very hard to get too excited. I don't think I fully embraced being pregnant until they placed that baby boy in my arms.

 

[Hrhpd]

Wow is that ever the truth!

Just want to stick up for the "yellow sunshine" bag a little...if that were given to me I'd hope I could accept it in the manner it was offered, as just a kindness freely given, someone trying to make things better. I wouldn't care if it was "appropriate" or not, I hope I could just graciously accept it without criticizing the giver or ever letting them know my thoughts on it beyond their attempt at a kindness.

I think most people would accept the bag graciously. But that doesn't mean that they wouldn't be upset or horrified and toss it as soon as the giver was gone.

I don't think anybody has said they would let the giver know their thoughts, unless they broke down in tears. Which probably explains why the giver of this gift has never seen a receiver react in horror.

While one should usually appreciate the thought behind the gift, there is such thing as a highly inappropriate gift.

One would not show up at a wedding bearing a black bag with licorice, a book on how to survive divorce and a divorce lawyers card.

A goodie bag more appropriate for an 8 year olds birthday party is a highly inappropriate gift for a woman who just had a miscarriage. Many, many people do see their miscarriage as the loss of a child. If the woman had lost her 3 year old child, would anybody in their right mind think a sunshine bag was appropriate for the funeral? I think not.

As I said before, miscarriage is highly personal and each person deals with it differently. A simple "thinking of you" is all that is needed. If you are very close to the person, call a relative and see if something like food would be appreciated. But only call if you are 100% sure she has shared the information with the relative.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

I've had two and I wanted to punch many a person who said all the dumb things people say. A sunshine bag would have gone in the garbage as soon as I could throw it out. Same with any other gifts. Jewelry...no...unless my husband bought it for me.

Remember that this is a loss and the parents may be grieving and it takes time. It doesn't help that your body is going through hormonal h*ll. Physically miscarriages aren't over in a day, they take time and this woman may have to have a D&C.

It took months for me to feel better and every time it was "that time of the month" it upset me.

It's such an individual thing. If you are friends with this person let them talk about it if they want. The people that did the most for me were the ones who just said "I'm sorry for your loss" and gave me a hug or told me they understood because they had gone through it.

 

[StitchFanZ]

Does she have other children? If so, a small gift for that child might be appreciated.

 

[TLSnell1981]

You did exactly what you should have done. Considering the position she held, she was way past stupid and well into oblivious apparently.

It's amazing, how callous and insensitive, some people can be. I was brought to the baby nursery to sign the death certificate. I broke down and sobbed, after a baby began to cry and my milk let down. The nurse said, "well, I could have brought them to your room, if I'd know you'd get upset".

Wow, I had no idea my bag was a bad idea. I had put these together for friends/co-workers and never received anything but a kind thanks. I always let them know how sorry I was and let them how much they mean to me by having them in my life and hope I can help them in anyway. It's only an offer in kindness and understanding.

I think, your friends know, the spirit in which it was given. You were attempting to uplift them...a moment to smile.

My friend's due date was the same as mine. She was so afraid, I would get upset, seeing her child. Holding him brought a smile to my face and tears of joy to my eyes. I was soooo happy, he was alive and well. It gave me comfort.

 

[spacemountainmom]

It's amazing, how callous and insensitive, some people can be. I was brought to the baby nursery to sign the death certificate. I broke down and sobbed, after a baby began to cry and my milk let down. The nurse said, "well, I could have brought them to your room, if I'd know you'd get upset".

That is so horrible and completely insensitive. I'm sorry.

I do have to say that all the medical personnel I dealt with were very caring. My doctor was not in the office the day they did my ultrasound, but they did go and get his nurse. She dropped what she was doing and came and sat with dh and I as long as we needed her to.

 

[maraki527]

I am going through one at the moment and for me a card was enough. My co workers that I am closer with of course had more encouraging things to say and were constantly sending me messages while I was off to check up on me. I didn't tell a lot of people I was pregnant but word got around. The first couple of days back at work were rough and I personally didnt want to talk about it. I didnt want to hear Everything happens for a reason. Like I said a card was fine.

 

[TLSnell1981]

I am going through one at the moment and for me a card was enough. My co workers that I am closer with of course had more encouraging things to say and were constantly sending me messages while I was off to check up on me. I didn't tell a lot of people I was pregnant but word got around. The first couple of days back at work were rough and I personally didnt want to talk about it. I didnt want to hear Everything happens for a reason. Like I said a card was fine.

I am so sorry.

 

[Janepod]

I am going through one at the moment and for me a card was enough. My co workers that I am closer with of course had more encouraging things to say and were constantly sending me messages while I was off to check up on me. I didn't tell a lot of people I was pregnant but word got around. The first couple of days back at work were rough and I personally didnt want to talk about it. I didnt want to hear Everything happens for a reason. Like I said a card was fine.

I am very sorry for your loss.

 

[themarquis]

Yeah, I'm not 'looking to get offended'. I'm actually pretty hard to offend, actually. But it's also not my job to put up with all the kinds of wacky crap people do and say to you after you lose your baby.

In the days immediately following the loss, I really did not have the patience for this kind of stuff and I'm sure I would have given a person an earful if they walked into my office the day after I came back with a bag full of smiley faced stuff. So yeah, call me 'easily offended' and a big 'ol meanie

 

[horseshowmom]

It's amazing, how callous and insensitive, some people can be. I was brought to the baby nursery to sign the death certificate. I broke down and sobbed, after a baby began to cry and my milk let down. The nurse said, "well, I could have brought them to your room, if I'd know you'd get upset".

That's just awful. When the doctor examined me and removed the amniotic sac with the fetus plainly visible, he said something to the effect that "oh, looks like we have a fetus here" and "we'll send it off for testing" in a completely offhand and cheerful manner. I was pretty much in shock and couldn't even speak.

The only person who even made reference to the situation was the nurse (after the doctor left the room). In a kind and understanding tone, she asked if I was sure I was okay to leave and was anybody with me to drive (said she saw my face and knew I was very upset). The doctor never noticed at all.

Later, I couldn't help but think about what they did with the fetus after they did whatever testing they did. It really bothered me to think about it having been discarded with the other medical "stuff". It still bothers me 26 years later.

I am going through one at the moment and for me a card was enough. My co workers that I am closer with of course had more encouraging things to say and were constantly sending me messages while I was off to check up on me. I didn't tell a lot of people I was pregnant but word got around. The first couple of days back at work were rough and I personally didnt want to talk about it. I didnt want to hear Everything happens for a reason. Like I said a card was fine.

As others have said, I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

[TLSnell1981]

That's just awful. When the doctor examined me and removed the amniotic sac with the fetus plainly visible, he said something to the effect that "oh, looks like we have a fetus here" and "we'll send it off for testing" in a completely offhand and cheerful manner. I was pretty much in shock and couldn't even speak.

The only person who even made reference to the situation was the nurse (after the doctor left the room). In a kind and understanding tone, she asked if I was sure I was okay to leave and was anybody with me to drive (said she saw my face and knew I was very upset). The doctor never noticed at all.

Later, I couldn't help but think about what they did with the fetus after they did whatever testing they did. It really bothered me to think about it having been discarded with the other medical "stuff". It still bothers me 26 years later.

It amazes me, how some health "professionals" can be so cold. Some people have zero compassion.

 

[Scurvy]

It amazes me, how some health "professionals" can be so cold. Some people have zero compassion.

I used to hate a doctor in the practice I used to take my son to because she was horribly cold and impersonal. She had no personality and never seemed the least bit sympathetic or compassionate no matter what we were dealing with. I was shocked when my husband went with us to one appointment and we happened to see her and it turned out they had been friends in college. Apparently she used to be a completely different kind of person who was warm and caring and great with her patients. Sadly, before I met her she spent several years working exclusively with terminally ill children and it changed her. Between watching the children suffer and die and watching the heartbreak and pain that the parents experienced, she apparently went home and cried every single night until she just couldn't do it any more. I think for some doctors and nurses there comes a point where they just can't relate to patients as people any longer because it is just too painful for them, and they try to focus just on the medical aspects of the case instead. Of course I am sure that for some others that's just the way they are, and there is no deeper reason for their coldness.

 

[mom2rtk]

I am going through one at the moment and for me a card was enough. My co workers that I am closer with of course had more encouraging things to say and were constantly sending me messages while I was off to check up on me. I didn't tell a lot of people I was pregnant but word got around. The first couple of days back at work were rough and I personally didnt want to talk about it. I didnt want to hear Everything happens for a reason. Like I said a card was fine.

I'm so sorry. Mine was a long time ago. But I'll never forget how devastating it was.

 

[IUTBAM]

I haven't read all the responses, but here's my take on it, having had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy.

I was devastated, and laid in bed and cried for three days (as did my DH, who took time off work). It was our first pregnancy, and the loss of the baby was also the loss of a dream of that first child, and then subsequent worry if we'd ever be able to have children (we did, but at that moment, I was sick with worry). I remember getting flowers from my brother who lived out of town, and from my DH's employer. Those were nice gestures. I would have LOVED to have someone bring meals over, or send a gift card for a restaurant so DH could have gotten take out.

So, I'd go with bringing meals over, or sending gift cards for take-out.