co-worker had miscarraige

[phorsenuf]

I would not do anything like this when she returns. No reminders of what happened. Just go back to business as usual. Maybe a hug, if you and she are that close.

I completely agree. She may not want to talk about it and giving her a 'sunshine' bag might make her feel worse. Like she will be forced to have to talk about it. Let her lead the way.

 

[mom2rtk]

I wouldn't recommend the bag either. It would have upset me. But then someone breathing would have upset me. But the smiley face would have seemed so incongruous with the way I was feeling that I probably would have just thrown it out.

I agree on a "thinking of you" card and a hug. If you are close, just whisper in her ear that you're there for her, and that if she ever needs to talk, you're available. Then you need to let it go. And give her time and space.

I know you just want to do one small thing to help make her feel better. Unfortunately that's out of your control.

 

[themarquis]

I haven't read all the posts but I was thinking of giving her a "sunshine" bag on her first day back at work.
1) yellow gift bag one with a smiley face would be perfect
fill with: pack of Jucey Fruit gum, yellow post it notes, yellow highlighter, yellow pencil, bag of Lemon Head candy, and ect...something yellow and happy!

I know you mean well, but this is probably the worst idea I have ever heard.

Juicy fruit gum will not make her happy, smiley faces will not make her happy, lemon candy will not make her happy. If she's like I was, there is only one thing that will make her happy and that is her baby not being dead. You can't give her that, so you need to back the heck off of her.

Give her a nice card and let her know you're thinking about her and you're here to talk if she wants. And then you need to walk away. You can't fix this or make it better.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I haven't read all the posts but I was thinking of giving her a "sunshine" bag on her first day back at work.
1) yellow gift bag one with a smiley face would be perfect
fill with: pack of Jucey Fruit gum, yellow post it notes, yellow highlighter, yellow pencil, bag of Lemon Head candy, and ect...something yellow and happy!

If you gave that to me I would have thrown it out immediately and avoided you afterward till the end of time. She lost her baby, highlighters and lemon head candy are NOT appropriate. She will not feel better because you give her a bunch of stuff that is yellow, in a happy face bag.

Are you a good friend of hers or just a coworker? My suggestion would be to say you are sorry and then leave her be.

 

[spacemountainmom]

I cannot say NO enough about the yellow "Happy" bag. I am pretty sure I would have flipped kaka at that point. Please remember that not only is the woman dealing with shock and grief, she is a hormonal mess. I get that you mean well, but whacked out hormones usually negate rational thought.

I have a friend who had a m/c long before I knew her. She told me that the best thing anyone ever said/did for her was the friend who said to her, "I am sorry, that sucks." That's how she felt and was happy that someone understood that.

 

[handinpocket]

OP, after reading this thread it should be obvious that people will get offended at the smallest things. It is best just to give a heartfelt "I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do" and let that do it.

 

[Abbie]

OP, after reading this thread it should be obvious that people will get offended at the smallest things.

Wow is that ever the truth!

Just want to stick up for the "yellow sunshine" bag a little...if that were given to me I'd hope I could accept it in the manner it was offered, as just a kindness freely given, someone trying to make things better. I wouldn't care if it was "appropriate" or not, I hope I could just graciously accept it without criticizing the giver or ever letting them know my thoughts on it beyond their attempt at a kindness.

 

[mom2rtk]

Wow is that ever the truth!

Just want to stick up for the "yellow sunshine" bag a little...if that were given to me I'd hope I could accept it in the manner it was offered, as just a kindness freely given, someone trying to make things better. I wouldn't care if it was "appropriate" or not, I hope I could just graciously accept it without criticizing the giver or ever letting them know my thoughts on it beyond their attempt at a kindness.

The problem is that you're looking at it rationally. Women are not rational immediately following a miscarriage. For many reasons.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Giving someone Juicy Fruit for the loss of their baby is not kind. It is just plain odd.

 

[kathie859]

Giving someone Juicy Fruit for the loss of their baby is not kind. It is just plain odd.

And that is putting it nicely!

 

[handinpocket]

Really, some people are just looking to be offended. A baggie of goodies to make you smile is no worse than a gift certificate from Olive Garden or what not. It would be given with a kind heart......but.....we know come hell or high water that won't float on the Dis.

 

[TLSnell1981]

. Even if what was lost was only the idea of a child, that counts in a parent's mind.

When I said that it should acknowledged as a loss rather than a medical event, I meant that what should be expressed is condolences, rather than hopes for a speedy recovery. When I had my miscarriages I was physically fine in two days, but I was sad and emotional for rather longer than that.

I gave birth to a stillborn daughter. She had a name, a nursery and a family, that loved her. My thoughts were of a sweet baby...from the moment I knew of her existence. It's how I felt, about all of my children. My sister-in-law and a couple of close friends had early miscarriages. Each one grieved the loss of their child.

A simple aknowledgement of the loss, can mean a lot. It could be a casserole, a small bouquet of flowers, a hug or a simple...I'm sorry.

 

[Janepod]

Really, some people are just looking to be offended. A baggie of goodies to make you smile is no worse than a gift certificate from Olive Garden or what not. It would be given with a kind heart......but.....we know come hell or high water that won't float on the Dis.

Who's looking to be offended? Many women, including myself, who have endured miscarriages have explained that they just want to be left alone to grieve and not to be reminded of the event. Perhaps without walking in our shoes it's difficult to understand, but to say that we are looking to be offended is a heartless, disgusting sentiment.

 

[handinpocket]

Who's looking to be offended? Many women, including myself, who have endured miscarriages have explained that they just want to be left alone to grieve and not to be reminded of the event. Perhaps without walking in our shoes it's difficult to understand, but to say that we are looking to be offended is a heartless, disgusting sentiment.

Step back. I HAVE had a miscarriage and your pain was no worse than mine. I appreciated all heartfelt sentiments.

Yes, *****ing and moaning over a sunshine bag is just petty.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Really, some people are just looking to be offended. A baggie of goodies to make you smile is no worse than a gift certificate from Olive Garden or what not. It would be given with a kind heart......but.....we know come hell or high water that won't float on the Dis.

I am not looking to be offended. The loss of a baby does not call for a so called baggie of goodies. Would you give that to someone at their child's funeral? At their parent's funeral? So sorry your mom passed away, here's some post it notes to cheer you up.

The purpose of bringing food or a gift certificate for take out for someone that has experienced a loss is because when you are feeling sad you don't usually feel like cooking. I fail to see how a highlighter will help anyone out in that situation.

A happy face giftbag with odds and ends is not thoughtful to the situation.

 

[handinpocket]

A simple aknowledgement of the loss, can mean a lot. It could be a casserole, a small bouquet of flowers, a hug or a simple...I'm sorry.

Love it and I agree. That was all I was trying to say. No one should be offended when someone is trying to comfort them. We can see that isn't the case so....I'm sorry would be the universal "safe" mode.

 

[NotUrsula]

I agree that women in this position are hormonal, and not always capable of censoring a gut reaction.

Most likely, were someone to have given me a "sunshine bag" at that point in my life, I would have burst into tears. I'm guessing that that reaction isn't exactly what the OP is hoping to solicit, so without "*****ing and moaning", I would still suggest not giving such a thing.

I'll give you an example of a time that I lost it: when I was informed at 15 weeks that one of my pregnancies was not viable, and I was given to understand that I was now on what amounted to a death watch, I left the office in tears, and I sat in my car in the garage and cried some more for awhile. When I finally could breathe without sobbing, I put the car in gear and went to pull out of the garage, only to be cheerfully scolded by the garage attendant, who told me to, "Smile! Nothing could be THAT bad!" Well, you guessed it: it probably wasn't well done of me, but I let that clueless twit have it with both barrels. She worked at a building that contained over 100 medical offices, including SIX oncology practices. What in the name of heaven was she thinking, saying something like that to someone leaving the place with tear tracks on her face?

I suppose that what I'm trying to say is, whether or not one considers the situation a death, it is always at least somewhat sad, and it is OK to be sad when something like this happens to you. Please don't try to deliberately cheer-up someone in these circumstances, because even though you mean well, it won't have a cheering effect.

 

[horseshowmom]

I agree that women in this position are hormonal, and not always capable of censoring a gut reaction.

Most likely, were someone to have given me a "sunshine bag" at that point in my life, I would have burst into tears. I'm guessing that that reaction isn't exactly what the OP is hoping to solicit, so without "*****ing and moaning", I would still suggest not giving such a thing.

I'll give you an example of a time that I lost it: when I was informed at 15 weeks that one of my pregnancies was not viable, and I was given to understand that I was now on what amounted to a death watch, I left the office in tears, and I sat in my car in the garage and cried some more for awhile. When I finally could breathe without sobbing, I put the car in gear and went to pull out of the garage, only to be cheerfully scolded by the garage attendant, who told me to, "Smile! Nothing could be THAT bad!" Well, you guessed it: it probably wasn't well done of me, but I let that clueless twit have it with both barrels. She worked at a building that contained over 100 medical offices, including SIX oncology practices. What in the name of heaven was she thinking, saying something like that to someone leaving the place with tear tracks on her face?

I suppose that what I'm trying to say is, whether or not one considers the situation a death, it is always at least somewhat sad, and it is OK to be sad when something like this happens to you. Please don't try to deliberately cheer-up someone in these circumstances, because even though you mean well, it won't have a cheering effect.

You did exactly what you should have done. Considering the position she held, she was way past stupid and well into oblivious apparently.

 

[blana]

I had an early miscarriage that, at the time, at work only my boss knew about. If he had tried to do much other than offer sympathy, it wouldn't have been good. A card would be appreciated.

 

[NC State]

Wow, I had no idea my bag was a bad idea. I had put these together for friends/co-workers and never received anything but a kind thanks. I always let them know how sorry I was and let them how much they mean to me by having them in my life and hope I can help them in anyway. It's only an offer in kindness and understanding.