Christmas Stress

[NancyK]

OP-- The "solution you are not seeing" is to quit looking at it as a tit for tat kind of thing: you have not budgeted for gift giving this year. No one is expecting a gift from you. Get over your "need" to treat a gift given from the heart as an obligation and graciously accept what your stepmother would like to offer you--and advise your sister to do the same.


I am shocked at all the PPs who want to paint the stepmother (or anyone invovled) as the villain here.

A "parent" (stepmom) wants to gift her grown kids things for the holidays, fully understanding that the kids cannot afford to give gifts in return and is being faulted for her generosity by a bunch of PPs and by the OP and her sister (to a lesser extent than the OPs).


Here is someone who truly understands that a gift is jut that, a GIFT, not an obligation to the recipient to reciprocate with something of near equal value--just somethign you give to someone you care about because you want to and want to see them get some joy out of it. How is this wrong or bad?

Thank you for saying exactly what I was thinking. People on this board are so quick to judge a person's motives.

Years ago we had this happen in our family. I'm one of 4 sisters. 3 of us wanted to stop giving gifts to the adults but keep giving gifts to all of the nieces/nephews. One of my sisters was very upset - she loved shopping and giving gifts. She also said "I can give gifts to whoever I want." Well - she grudgingly agreed but then on New Year's Day we each received an "un-Christmas" gift from her. She didn't expect anything in return. She loved buying people things and we were raining on her parade. Fast forward a few years, and that sister got sick and passed away before her 44th birthday. I wish she was around to have the "gift" argument.

 

[DebD4T]

OP-- The "solution you are not seeing" is to quit looking at it as a tit for tat kind of thing: you have not budgeted for gift giving this year. No one is expecting a gift from you. Get over your "need" to treat a gift given from the heart as an obligation and graciously accept what your stepmother would like to offer you--and advise your sister to do the same.

I am shocked at all the PPs who want to paint the stepmother (or anyone invovled) as the villain here.

A "parent" (stepmom) wants to gift her grown kids things for the holidays, fully understanding that the kids cannot afford to give gifts in return and is being faulted for her generosity by a bunch of PPs and by the OP and her sister (to a lesser extent than the OPs).

Here is someone who truly understands that a gift is jut that, a GIFT, not an obligation to the recipient to reciprocate with something of near equal value--just somethign you give to someone you care about because you want to and want to see them get some joy out of it. How is this wrong or bad?

I agree

 

[nugov2]

Let you father's wife (stepmother) give gifts to whoever she wants without you feeling like you have to get everyone something as well. It is what she wants to do and you cannot let it bother you. Maybe she has her own reasons that she feels the need to give you gifts.

If you and your sister still feel the need to give something, you could always make something like cookies or candy to give.

I agree, make a nice ornament. Maybe your stepmother is doing it because it is the season of giving without the expectation of getting in return. I don't think she is doing it to be nasty, but to be kind. Maybe I don't know her, but I wouldn't get upset. We have 3 kids plus 10 other kids in the family we buy for. We always just give my parents and my in laws a photo calendar or book from the previous year and a handmade gift from the kids. Probably cost me $40 for all 4 of them. They don't want/need anything store bought. They can get whatever they need and love these gifts more than anything store bought we could get them. To me it is the thought that counts and not the dollar amount spent.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I LOVE Christmas and the shopping and the decorating and most of all, I LOVE LOVE LOVE to wrap presents. Now that you know how I am, what would you do with this:


In September, my sister asked if we could not do presents this year. She had knowledge that her job was in danger and some of her costs of living went up. We all agreed, except my dad and his wife, who had left early from the family gathering where this was brought up for discussion. "We" is my side of our family, so that is a total of eight people involved. My sister immediately called my dad with the suggestion and he agreed. And then he told his wife and she disagreed and said she can buy presents for whomever she likes.

We only found out about the disagreement over this past weekend. We hadn't planned on anything, now we find out that everything is now totally awkward AND my sister lost her job and can't afford it.

I'm not sure what to do. I CANNOT, and I repeat CANNOT know that someone is buying me a gift without reciprocating. It isn't in my DNA as I love to buy presents.

If I buy presents, it will throw off our budget for the rest of this year; not that we can't afford it, we just planned different things for that money. Remember that this was set back in September...and it will look like I'm taking sides and I never, ever take sides.

I think we need to have another family meeting. Is there another solution I am not seeing?

I see no problem as regards to your sister or anyone else you agreed not to exchange gifts with. Don't exchange gifts with them as per the agreement you made with them. Your dad's spouse never made the agreement, and isn't a party to it. That means she is not a party to the agreement. Given she's married to your dad, that probably means they are back in play as far as getting them a gift goes. So get em a gift. Surely one gift isn't going to break your bank? If everyone is having a get together, make sure the gift is given to them outside of that get together rather than at it. No need for another big family meeting or drama. And there is no need to make some sort of misguided show of support for your sister by not getting your dad and his wife a present. You're already supporting her by not giving her a gift as per her request. You might want to confer with everyone in on the agreement not to give each other presents individually just to make sure that's still the case. No need for drama, no need for stress.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Oh, geez.

We ran into a similar issue with DH's family some 7 years back, and half the family is still not really talking to the other half because of it. I have no advice other than, cover your head and hope for the best.

 

[Katy Belle]

I don't think your Dad's wife was intending to be a pot stirrer. I think once you get to a certain age and income level, giving gifts is a huge joy. Its fun to chose the perfect something for your loved ones. Its how some people say I LOVE YOU. If she wants to give gifts, let her. Asking her not to, or making her feel badly for doing so, would be just as wrong as telling your sister she has to bring a gift for everyone.

Your sister should not feel guilty. As long as she makes it clear to everyone, that she is not able to buy gifts this year, and expects none in return, then she is set. Anyone that makes it into a bigger deal...then it is THEIR deal.

You get to decide what you want to do. If you feel you need to not give gifts in order to support your sister, then that is your choice and that is what you do.

 

[clutter]

Thank you for saying exactly what I was thinking. People on this board are so quick to judge a person's motives.

Years ago we had this happen in our family. I'm one of 4 sisters. 3 of us wanted to stop giving gifts to the adults but keep giving gifts to all of the nieces/nephews. One of my sisters was very upset - she loved shopping and giving gifts. She also said "I can give gifts to whoever I want." Well - she grudgingly agreed but then on New Year's Day we each received an "un-Christmas" gift from her. She didn't expect anything in return. She loved buying people things and we were raining on her parade. Fast forward a few years, and that sister got sick and passed away before her 44th birthday. I wish she was around to have the "gift" argument.

This. If you really want to support your sister, then hold on to your DNA and graciously accept a gift without reciprocating. Or... reciprocate in advance with a donation to a charity. But support your sister by showing up without that reciprocal gift.

 

[Poohforyou]

Well, considering that your father agreed with not exchanging gifts, and your sister and you didn't budget for them I wouldn't give what your father's wife wants to do a 2nd thought.

If she chooses to give gifts that's on her and she shouldn't be doing it in hopes of getting something in return. That isn't what gift giving is about.

 

[luvsJack]

We have stopped exchanging gifts in both my and dh's family but when we did, there were many Christmases that one family or another could not be part of the gift giving. We always let them know that it wasn't an issue and continued to buy for them just as we always would.

When each family started drawing names, if someone wanted to be left out of it, we just left their names out. If there were children, one of us would buy for those children and sometimes for the adults too.

Even now, some years someone in dh's family (very big family) will be feeling especially generous and will gift everyone or someone will come across something special that they want to give each couple or each of the kids.

There have been years that I have bought special little gifts for my brother and sister and they have done the same but we don't do it every year so there really isn't a way to know for sure and be prepared to reciprocate. None of us give expecting something in return.


If you want to buy something or give something to your sister. Do so. Let her know that you don't expect anything in return. If your step-mom wants to gift everyone, let her. Sounds like it makes her happy and that IS her Christmas present.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Maybe step mom is feeling left out and upset because she wasn't a part of the original discussion or agreement. In effect, she was being told what to do, like it or not. I don't think too many of us here would be very happy about that if it happened to us. (Though personally, I'd be thrilled if our families put a squash on gift giving. I don't think that that's what this is really about, though.)

In September, my sister asked if we could not do presents this year. She had knowledge that her job was in danger and some of her costs of living went up. We all agreed, except my dad and his wife, who had left early from the family gathering where this was brought up for discussion. "We" is my side of our family, so that is a total of eight people involved. My sister immediately called my dad with the suggestion and he agreed. And then he told his wife and she disagreed and said she can buy presents for whomever she likes.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I agree with NHDisneylover.

It's quite simple... If the only reason that you have been giving Christmas gifts is because someone was going to give you one, then you have been giving gifts for the wrong reasons.

Your stepmother,it seems, is giving gifts for the right reasons...because she wants to and doesn't care if she is getting something in return.

The thing about a gift is that it's not a gift if it is bought out of a sense of obligation..."so and so gives me something so I have to give her something". That really takes the joy, and point, out of gift giving.

My late DMIL used to do that with gifts...everybody got a certain number. I can't tell you the number if times I returned or donated clothing that she bought for my DH because it was too small, she knew it was too small when she bought it but "everyone has 10 presents and he only has 8 so I bought these 2 shirts. They won't fit him but you can return them after Christmas." How, I ask you, is that giving a gift from the heart? Plus after Christmas she could never find the receipt so if I tried to return it I'd get the 75% off after Christmas sale price so often I'd end up donating it so at least some good came of it.

So if you and your sister MUST reciprocate to your stepmother then how about giving her a note that tells her what she's meant to you and the family. Or how about giving her a note that says that in her honor you are going to volunteer X number of hours at a soup kitchen or some other charitable cause that might be dear to her.

That's a true gift.

This is why this is the hard part for me, I am USUALLY the one to give gifts first. I LOVE giving and wrapping and really thinking of that person and trying to find something they like in the color they like. I even try to have the ribbon and paper match the gift; I couldn't make that up if I tried!

 

[Kristibo42]

Maybe she just wants to be nice. She might want anything back in return. Some people just like buying people gifts. My mom buys for everyone even though we exchange names with adults and kids. We try every year to put my moms name in but she won't do it. So we let her. We has siblings will by my mom a gift together.

 

[NHdisneylover]

This is why this is the hard part for me, I am USUALLY the one to give gifts first. I LOVE giving and wrapping and really thinking of that person and trying to find something they like in the color they like. I even try to have the ribbon and paper match the gift; I couldn't make that up if I tried!

So, if you know how much joy giving brings to you, why do you want to take that joy away from your step mother? Especially if you know she was not in a position to experience it for many years.

 

[Handbag Lady]

So, if you know how much joy giving brings to you, why do you want to take that joy away from your step mother? Especially if you know she was not in a position to experience it for many years.

Because it would make my sister feel worse about her situation. I don't want to take away anything from anyone since we all agreed in the first place, well, except for my dad's wife, even though my dad previously agreed on her behalf. (We don't consider her step-mother as she married my dad when I was in my very late 20's.)

We've all pretty much gotten carried away with things at Christmas; this would have been a nice excuse to re-group and reset to the basics of just having family together. I suppose if it makes her happy, and it will, we can just let her do her thing, we'll not do our thing and move on with life.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Because it would make my sister feel worse about her situation. I don't want to take away anything from anyone since we all agreed in the first place, well, except for my dad's wife, even though my dad previously agreed on her behalf. (We don't consider her step-mother as she married my dad when I was in my very late 20's.)

We've all pretty much gotten carried away with things at Christmas; this would have been a nice excuse to re-group and reset to the basics of just having family together. I suppose if it makes her happy, and it will, we can just let her do her thing, we'll not do our thing and move on with life.

I guess I just do not understand the family dynamic where some people are hurt if they are GIVEN something with no expectations of reciprocity.

I don't mean to be harsh, but if your sister feels worse about herself when given a gift, I think that is an issue your sister has and not anything the gift giver is creating. (and I have been on both sides of the economic fence in various years).

 

[CdnCarrie]

Maybe your stepmom is buying gifts to be nice. To help out when she thought others were struggling to provide Christmas. Why is it about taking sides?

 

[Luv0fDisney]

Hmm.
What we do for Christmas is we just buy something small like under $10.00.
I know you could probably afford something, but I am thinking perhaps you can do home made gifts with things you already have? like origami box, or something.

I made wine cozzies last year for some relatives.

 

[taterheads]

OP-- The "solution you are not seeing" is to quit looking at it as a tit for tat kind of thing: you have not budgeted for gift giving this year. No one is expecting a gift from you. Get over your "need" to treat a gift given from the heart as an obligation and graciously accept what your stepmother would like to offer you--and advise your sister to do the same. I am shocked at all the PPs who want to paint the stepmother (or anyone invovled) as the villain here. A "parent" (stepmom) wants to gift her grown kids things for the holidays, fully understanding that the kids cannot afford to give gifts in return and is being faulted for her generosity by a bunch of PPs and by the OP and her sister (to a lesser extent than the PPs). Here is someone who truly understands that a gift is jut that, a GIFT, not an obligation to the recipient to reciprocate with something of near equal value--just somethign you give to someone you care about because you want to and want to see them get some joy out of it. How is this wrong or bad?

Exactly!

 

[diamondpixienc]

She has her reasons and they are valid. She's not from here and my dad is her only family, so by extension, so are we. She's had some hard stuff in her life so I do understand her need to insist upon traditions and family. But, I agree with others that she needs to see that supporting family is more than just spoiling us because they can. Keep in mind, she's insisting we don't buy them things and truly does not expect anything in return.

We don't have any children in our family so that part makes it harder. It would be so easy to do a cut-off age.

I LOVE giving gifts, so in essence, my gift to my sister is not giving a gift at all.

Thank you, all, though. I hate getting in the middle of drama. We're hosting Christmas this year. I do like the idea of maybe doing something for the good of the world for a gift. Those are free and can reach many people.

I think you answered your own question. If she just like to give gifts so be it. I always thought that you give someone a gift because you want them to have the token or item without expecting or wanting anything in return. So if she is not being a mess starter just smile, say thank you and if you feel really bad about taking it hope it has a gift receipt and maybe exchange it for a gift card or store credit you can give to sister or keep it yourself.

 

[cari12]

OP-- The "solution you are not seeing" is to quit looking at it as a tit for tat kind of thing: you have not budgeted for gift giving this year. No one is expecting a gift from you. Get over your "need" to treat a gift given from the heart as an obligation and graciously accept what your stepmother would like to offer you--and advise your sister to do the same.


I am shocked at all the PPs who want to paint the stepmother (or anyone invovled) as the villain here.

A "parent" (stepmom) wants to gift her grown kids things for the holidays, fully understanding that the kids cannot afford to give gifts in return and is being faulted for her generosity by a bunch of PPs and by the OP and her sister (to a lesser extent than the PPs).

Here is someone who truly understands that a gift is jut that, a GIFT, not an obligation to the recipient to reciprocate with something of near equal value--just somethign you give to someone you care about because you want to and want to see them get some joy out of it. How is this wrong or bad?

Well said!