Christmas family drama

[Mouse House Mama]

Let him handle his family and you handle yours. If the situation was reversed and he didn't stand by your side I can bet you wouldn't be happy. I personally would not send my kids anywhere on a holiday. Sorry but they will be fine at home. Make your own fun. They can see their cousins another day. Good luck.

 

[kimmar067]

....NEVER get involved with a spouse and a member of their family - it could come back to bite you in the arss later on. That being said, it sure seems like he's harboring feelings of anger towards his sister. Howver, I don't think it's in the best interest of YOUR immediate family to be split like that. Perhaps you could invite the cousins to your house sometime during that Christmas Week...

 

[shortbun]

You and your husband both have decisions to make. If you don't go to the family Christmas party, you choose to escalate the troubles and drive a possibly permanent wedge between members of yours and your children's family. What she did or said is NOT the issue. The issue is how you want your family relationship to be FOREVER. I don't know what I'd do but I like to think that I could be the peacemaker. You won't be able to force an apology or resolution but you might be able to forge a temporary peace for this one event. At the very least, I would take my children to be with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, leaving my husband at home to lick his wounds. I love my husband; it would be hard leaving him on Christmas Eve but in the end, I would choose my children and the best situation for the larger number of people rather than allowing him to keep me from the rest of the family. In my opinion, his asking you to stay home with him and send the children seems really self-centered. As an adult, he should be able to begin getting over whatever his sister did. He doesn't have to like her, just spend a few hours with her for the good of the family. Good luck. Big issue.

 

[Wishing on a star]

No update from the OP about what might have happened and what is going on...

I read the original post again.
It is just unfathomable to me
1. That he would suggest and prefer sending his kids off on Christmas Eve. Just sending the kids off with his mother... Sounds like more than a quick visit for their benefit.
2. That his wife would consider spending Christmas Eve away from her DH. No matter who's family it involves. No way would I want my Husband to up and leave me. (unless it were for a short visit under some drastic circumstances) And no way would I be leaving him.

There would have to be some hellacious issues, to me, to want to split my family up. Not, "because sister said something that I didn't like..." it would have to be a lot more than that.

Like I said earlier, I think that this goes way deeper.
I think that there is a LOT more here than we are getting.

 

[luvmy3]

Let him handle his family and you handle yours. If the situation was reversed and he didn't stand by your side I can bet you wouldn't be happy. I personally would not send my kids anywhere on a holiday. Sorry but they will be fine at home. Make your own fun. They can see their cousins another day. Good luck.

No update from the OP about what might have happened and what is going on...

I read the original post again.
It is just unfathomable to me
1. That he would suggest and prefer sending his kids off on Christmas Eve. Just sending the kids off with his mother... Sounds like more than a quick visit for their benefit.
2. That his wife would consider spending Christmas Eve away from her DH. No matter who's family it involves. No way would I want my Husband to up and leave me. (unless it were for a short visit under some drastic circumstances) And no way would I be leaving him.

There would have to be some hellacious issues, to me, to want to split my family up. Not, "because sister said something that I didn't like..." it would have to be a lot more than that.

Like I said earlier, I think that this goes way deeper.
I think that there is a LOT more here than we are getting.

I bet some would have predicted you would say that

I agree that there is probably something more going on, but it doesn't seem big enough for the dh to not want his kids there when she is there, he just doesn't want to be around her.
I wouldn't stay home with dh, but I consider my ILs my family, not just his so unless it was something really major I wouldn't want to miss Christmas Eve with my family just because he was acting like a big baby.

 

[minkydog]

You and your husband both have decisions to make. If you don't go to the family Christmas party, you choose to escalate the troubles and drive a possibly permanent wedge between members of yours and your children's family. What she did or said is NOT the issue. The issue is how you want your family relationship to be FOREVER. I don't know what I'd do but I like to think that I could be the peacemaker. You won't be able to force an apology or resolution but you might be able to forge a temporary peace for this one event. At the very least, I would take my children to be with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, leaving my husband at home to lick his wounds. I love my husband; it would be hard leaving him on Christmas Eve but in the end, I would choose my children and the best situation for the larger number of people rather than allowing him to keep me from the rest of the family. In my opinion, his asking you to stay home with him and send the children seems really self-centered. As an adult, he should be able to begin getting over whatever his sister did. He doesn't have to like her, just spend a few hours with her for the good of the family. Good luck. Big issue.

I agree with all of this. Unless the Sister did something so awful, unlawful, or heinous that it really cries out for total banishment, I think your DH is overreacting. WAAAAY overreacting. And the longer he nurses it, the bigger it's going to get, until neither one will want to back down. THis is how family feuds start,

I know. My DH's family is famous for shunning each other. And it doesn't even have to be something big. It can be minor things, like a cousin didn't go to grandma's for dinner. SHUNNED. One sibling made a rude remark to the other. OSTRACIZED An aunt buys a bigger car than the uncle. BANNED. When I came into the family, my FIL was engaged in a 12 YEAR long feud with his sister(DHs aunt) and they weren't speaking. Oh, they were still going to the same family gatherings, but they would sit on opposite sides of the room, smoking and making catty comments about each other. Eventually, somebody would get a snoot-ful and the verbal sparring would begin. I had never seen anything like it in my life. And they continued that feud for another 4 years, too! You know what started it? Big brother(FIL) didn't like the man Little Sister(aunt) had dated. Yep, that's what you read...16 YEARS later, FIL was still holding that grudge (and we dont' know what ever happend to that old boyfriend.) The sad part is that they were so staked on their own argument that they had not really communicated with each other in years. FIL suffered a massive heart attack one day and that was it. No chance to say goodbye, to apologize, to make restitution with one another. The Aunt had a very hard time with his death, but there was nothihng she could do to fix it.

So, I guess I'm just like everyone else. I'd like to know what the Sis did that was soooooo awful that it would be a reasonable choice to lock her out of your life and the lives of your children. If she committed rape, robbery, or murder, well, then I'm on your husband's side

 

[LisaInNc]

I would let your children go where they are going to be a happiest. If it's with you make them stay but if they truly want to be with their cousins I think you need to suck it up and let them go. It's Christmas, they are kids and they are not part of this argument the adults are having.

Lisa

 

[disykat]

Based on only the info provided...

If your DH doesn't normally hold a grudge, I would be supporting my DH this time. He obviously feels strongly about this and must be very hurt by whatever took place. I would NOT divide my family on Christmas eve. Our children belong with us on Xmas eve, and DH and I belong together. "We" are a family, and our family comes first.

I would plan a nice evening for my own family and come up with ideas to make it special for the kids. Perhaps have your parents over and invite the IL's to stop for awhile before or after the other party. (Depending on their ages, the children do not need to know why you are changing things up this year.) Surely you can get the kids together with their cousins some other time during the holidays.

Let him handle his family and you handle yours. If the situation was reversed and he didn't stand by your side I can bet you wouldn't be happy. I personally would not send my kids anywhere on a holiday. Sorry but they will be fine at home. Make your own fun. They can see their cousins another day. Good luck.

I also think this is the DHs issue, not OPs. DH is your family first, so if the family has to choose between spending the holiday with their spouse/father and the rest of the famly, they should be choosing the spouse/father.

There are certainly times when it would be appropriate for OP and her kids to visit the extended family without DH if it's only him that is unwilling to go. I wouldn't do it on the holiday though. Especially on a holiday this close to the problem. Sometimes time/space helps when working things out.

 

[dis-happy]

Plan a family trip to Disney over the holidays instead. Hopefully by next Christmas everyone will be over the problem.

 

[Minnesota!]

Either we would ALL stay home or we would ALL go.

No splitting up of my immediate family for something petty.

 

[Andtototoo]

I think I'd have to know more about the nature of the argument before I could say what I'd be doing. Some family battles are just skirmishes. Others are take-no-prisoners wars. So my response would be based upon the nature of the argument. Is it a petty argument over the election or were nasty names called in a serious manner? Was a child gently teased upon a topic the SIL didn't know was a sore spot or did she deliberately tease a child over a known disability like a speech impediment? In other words, was it a small mistake compounded by joint stubbornness or a serious bad behavior that goes to character?

For example: I have a relative, let's call her Susie. Susie is a drama queen and very privileged princess who is entitled to everything from everyone and never ever does/admits to doing anything wrong. She has engaged in many stupid, obnoxious behaviors. She often seems to enjoy taking an opposing viewpoint just to have the "fun" of an argument. None of that was reason to shun her or refuse to attend a holiday gathering for "fear" of seeing her.

What WAS reason to refuse to attend a holiday gathering she was hosting was when we had incontrovertible proof in the form of one of us actually seeing and hearing Susie badmouthing us to several friends/neighbors. Very nasty words and some outright lies. To add insult to injury, when we called her out on it, she then got mad at us for "eavesdropping" and insisted that we were the ones at fault and she had every right to say whatever she wanted to anyone she wanted with no repercussions. (Because she's the most special snowflake EVER!) THAT was when Susie got dropped from our invitation list and we chose not to attend events for which she was the hostess. We were not going to provide to or accept hospitality from her.

Her behavior did not, however, keep us from attending family events at which she was another guest because that would fall in the category of "cutting off nose to spite face." On those occasions we would use the "dead to me" strategy, which worked quite well for us.

 

[arminnie]

Many people are saying they would never be separated from their kids on Christmas Eve.

When I was growing up my parents went to a Christmas Eve party and left the 3 of us at home every year.

We loved it as
1) We got to open one present early before they left.
2) After they left we carefully opened EVERY gift and then rewrapped them.

 

[Pigeon]

I agree with the pp who said your husband obviously does hold grudges.

No way would I send my kids off elsewhere. We'd either go together (but only if dh could be pleasant) or we'd stay home.

 

[mickeysgal]

Many people are saying they would never be separated from their kids on Christmas Eve.

When I was growing up my parents went to a Christmas Eve party and left the 3 of us at home every year.

We loved it as
1) We got to open one present early before they left.
2) After they left we carefully opened EVERY gift and then rewrapped them.

LOL. Did they ever suspect you opened the gifts?

 

[njcarita]

yeah i also vote with all together ...............and not split up on Christmas Eve............... I have had issues thru the yr with one aunt and uncle...........but I chose to ignore best i can ..........and just move forward......... we have had some tense moments............. shes the aunt who swiped my kids pictures one year.... http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2707044 ........ but i luv them to death and they luv me............so i just overlook the other stuff..................... life is tooo short to hold grudges....it would have to be something major for me to split up my family on Christmas eve..... hope they work it out

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I bet some would have predicted you would say that

I agree that there is probably something more going on, but it doesn't seem big enough for the dh to not want his kids there when she is there, he just doesn't want to be around her.
I wouldn't stay home with dh, but I consider my ILs my family, not just his so unless it was something really major I wouldn't want to miss Christmas Eve with my family just because he was acting like a big baby.

Not really sure why you quoted me and made that comment. Not quite sure what to make of it.

 

[westjones]

Based on only the info provided...

If your DH doesn't normally hold a grudge, I would be supporting my DH this time. He obviously feels strongly about this and must be very hurt by whatever took place. I would NOT divide my family on Christmas eve. Our children belong with us on Xmas eve, and DH and I belong together. "We" are a family, and our family comes first.

I would plan a nice evening for my own family and come up with ideas to make it special for the kids. Perhaps have your parents over and invite the IL's to stop for awhile before or after the other party. (Depending on their ages, the children do not need to know why you are changing things up this year.) Surely you can get the kids together with their cousins some other time during the holidays.

I would also support my husband if he normally doesn't hold grudges but felt strongly.

 

[LuLuO]

If he is fine with the kids going, then maybe you should take the kids over since it sounds like you want to go too. Spend a few hours and then head back home.

 

[mfd25wife]

DH has a large family and we all get together for Christmas Eve. This past October DH had an incident with his Sis who is hosting the Eve. My DH does not hold grudges but he is mad and hurt by her so he will not go to her house. A few weeks ago he did give BIL- her DH a call but he didn't answer or return the voicemail. The trouble is my kids want to be with their cousins. DH thinks the kids should go there with his Mom and he and I have a quiet Christmas Eve together. I admit I am sad. I want to be with the rest of his family and all the noisy festivities. My parents would join us but without the kids, I would be sad.
I was hurt by what SIL did too but in the spirit of Christmas I think we should be the bigger people. Anything I can say to DH to ease his feelings?
MIL told me she spoke to SIL who said "What does he want me to do, apologize?" That might be nice but so far nothing.

I read the op again. Many pp are posting as if you asked what should you do. It sounds like you are
doing what I would want to do, support DH either way but try to find a way to gently help him decide to go to SIL's for Christmas Eve. As for easing his feelings, IMO all you can do is tell him you love and support him. Maybe tell him you are hurt, also but you don't want him or you to look back
with regret. Remind him how important holidays with family is and you want your kids to have memories of the entire family together.

I know not everyone would agree, but if his feelings are truly hurt regardless of the reason, I can't imagine how hurt he will be if you don't support him. If he is considering not celebrating the holiday even in the same house with your SIL, it seems like it would be hard to get it out of his mind if you ignore his feelings.

You said he had tried to keep some contact by trying to talk to the BIL but the gesture wasn't
returned. Based on that, I don't think he should just be treated like he's being a baby.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I bet some would have predicted you would say that

I agree that there is probably something more going on, but it doesn't seem big enough for the dh to not want his kids there when she is there, he just doesn't want to be around her.
I wouldn't stay home with dh, but I consider my ILs my family, not just his so unless it was something really major I wouldn't want to miss Christmas Eve with my family just because he was acting like a big baby.

I would be about "esculation" in this incidence. Yes it is manipulative however it needs to be done. Your dh does not have a problem manipulating you guys...so I would start the counter manipulation tactics.

You tell IL's that your family is staying home because of your dh.

If family wants you guys there then they need to "kiss & make up".

Put it this way, this is your chance to put a full court press on your dh to "fix" the situation.

Now you can be "sweet" about it if you want to go that route which has a nice devious twist.....

Example.....Hugs to kids and family and tell them that we are going to support your boycott. He will start insisting that you guys go and then you say, no we are going to stay HERE and support you!

You say the same thing to the IL's.....Ex. "I don't want to leave DH here alone on C. Eve". (Hey it is a valid argument).

All this is done to guilt your dh into making up with family. Can you out manipulated your dh?

Anyway, just a thought from the peanut gallery. I hope you figure it out.