Choosing to be Child Free. What are your reasons/changed minds?

[Tigger in a kilt]

One of my close friends lost her middle child 4 years ago. I have been astonished at the number of people who thought that she *should* have another child to replace the one that died. She also had comments like “But I though you wanted 3 kids”, as if the middle one had never existed. People can be really hurtful.

 

[Ariel484]

One of my close friends lost her middle child 4 years ago. I have been astonished at the number of people who thought that she *should* have another child to replace the one that died. She also had comments like “But I though you wanted 3 kids”, as if the middle one had never existed. People can be really hurtful.

Good lord. That’s truly awful.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

Good lord. That’s truly awful.

It really is. She could fill a book with the awful things that people have said and done in the last 4 years since the child died.

 

[ronandannette]

I can't help with the OP's original question, but I have a couple of thoughts.

It's not selfish to make a decision that is right for you. It's being honest and realistic and there's nothing wrong with that.

The people that say you are somehow missing out because pregnancy will change your life and is amazing - well umm, not always. I always wanted to be a mom, and love being a mom but holy crap I hated every single second of being pregnant, horrible, hated it, desperately counted down the days until I was due, hated labor. Have zero good memories of any of it. Was it worth it? Sure for me it was totally worth it but that doesn't mean it was some super spiritual amazing experience.

After our second we were adament that we were done and so husband decided to get a V. The dr was super condescending to the point that he said to my hubby that he was making a bad choice because if one of our kids died we'd want to have another to replace them and we wouldn't be able to.

I couldn't agree more with the bolded. No way would I ever encourage anybody to have a child just so they won't miss out on the experience of pregnancy - it was dreadful for me.

As for the "replacement child" comment, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I think a lot of doctors are unnecessarily blunt to the point of being offensive, but the concept itself isn't totally crazy. Our dearest friends lost both their 17 y.o. twin sons at once. During the early, brain-fogged stages of her grief my BF mentioned more than once how impossible it was to bear the idea of an empty home and speculated on possible adoption in the future. It's been 2 years and that idea hasn't re-surfaced but her feelings in the moment were legitimate and I don't think any of us really know how we'd react without being in the situation.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

I couldn't agree more with the bolded. No way would I ever encourage anybody to have a child just so they won't miss out on the experience of pregnancy - it was dreadful for me.

As for the "replacement child" comment, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I think a lot of doctors are unnecessarily blunt to the point of being offensive, but the concept itself isn't totally crazy. Our dearest friends lost both their 17 y.o. twin sons at once. During the early, brain-fogged stages of her grief my BF mentioned more than once how impossible it was to bear the idea of an empty home and speculated on possible adoption in the future. It's been 2 years and that idea hasn't re-surfaced but her feelings in the moment were legitimate and I don't think any of us really know how we'd react without being in the situation.

Your friend’s feelings during that awful time are absolutely legitimate, and I would never criticise anyone for choosing to have another child after losing one. However, it is such a deeply personal decision, and I really feel that it’s something that the bereaved parents need to decide for themselves, not have other people suggest. However well-meaning they may be, there is no way that it doesn’t risk coming across as a suggestion that the deceased child can be replaced.

I hope that your friend is coping as well as can be expected. What a tragic situation.

 

[Liberty Belle]

For me, I've never really seen myself with children. I've never really had to consider such matters because I'd need to be in a relationship first and that's never been too likely anyway. If I were at that point, I would consider it. Personally, I am a big proponent of adoption and I would think that if it were up to me, I would go that route as opposed to having a child. I do realize of course that my theoretical other half would have a say in that as well. Life works fine for me as is though, so I'm not looking to upset the apple cart.

Personal question, but you may not mind since you offered it up: Why do you not see yourself in a relationship? I know when I was younger, I felt that I'd never marry or have a serious relationship because I didn't think I could be that trusting and open with someone. That changed with my second serious boyfriend (who I did not marry) and then with my husband.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I couldn't agree more with the bolded. No way would I ever encourage anybody to have a child just so they won't miss out on the experience of pregnancy - it was dreadful for me.

As for the "replacement child" comment, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I think a lot of doctors are unnecessarily blunt to the point of being offensive, but the concept itself isn't totally crazy. Our dearest friends lost both their 17 y.o. twin sons at once. During the early, brain-fogged stages of her grief my BF mentioned more than once how impossible it was to bear the idea of an empty home and speculated on possible adoption in the future. It's been 2 years and that idea hasn't re-surfaced but her feelings in the moment were legitimate and I don't think any of us really know how we'd react without being in the situation.

I also don't think doctors come with this stuff out of thin air. They have probably been asked to do reversals more than a few times so someone can have another child after a loss. Yes it's blunt but sometimes they put out the cold hard facts and sometimes it's not so pretty. The ones that get me are the ones that get offended when the doctor says "you know, you both are in your 20s. You may end up divorced. What if you meet a woman later who wants more kids?" I've seen some people get downright angry at the thought of someone saying they could maybe end up divorced. Hey it happens. He's just throwing out all the "what if's" before he does PERMANENT surgery on you.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I knew I wanted children from preschool on and it never wavered. I LOVE children.

I am close to three people who do not/did not want kids.

The first one was adamant for years that she didn't and then one day just decided she did. She had one as a single mother. She is a great mother.

The second is a very ego-centric person. So much so, she didn't even like being married. She also doesn't like kids at all. She's almost out of child bearing age, but I know there's no way she'd have a child, no matter what.

The third is about to be married. I've known her since she was an infant. Since her teen years on, I figured she wouldn't want kids. She just doesn't seem like the type. In her last serious relationship, her boyfriend wanted them and she was still pretty sure she didn't, but said she'd consider it for him. The man she is about to marry doesn't want kids, either, and I think, knowing both of them, that's definitely a good thing.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

It's funny you say that because one of my very best friends, who was very vocal and adamant for many years that she didn't want kids, just turned 40 and now has had a complete reversal of opinion and desperately wants to have children--with the same strong passion that she had for being childless! I was just thinking about her situation and marveling at how powerful the biological clock is! Unfortunately this decision came about 5 years after she and her husband divorced because he wanted kids and she didn't. She is sad about having passed up the chance to have kids, jealous of him and his new wife (they already have 3 kids), and going through a really rough time right now. I wish I knew how to help her, and what to say to comfort her

I have a coworker who divorced around 34. I don't know why they divorced but I don't think she was set on having kids either. Around that time she decided she wanted kids and wasn't waiting for a husband. She used donor sperm and had her first DD at 36 and just had her second DD with the same donor two weeks ago. She couldn't be happier with her life.

 

[BrianL]

Personal question, but you may not mind since you offered it up: Why do you not see yourself in a relationship? I know when I was younger, I felt that I'd never marry or have a serious relationship because I didn't think I could be that trusting and open with someone. That changed with my second serious boyfriend (who I did not marry) and then with my husband.

Well, I've just never had much luck in that department, and I'm not really "younger" anymore, you know? On the seldom occasions where I have dated, it doesn't seem to go that well, and either they're not interested, or I'm not, or whatever. I'm just not that suited for it.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Well, I've just never had much luck in that department, and I'm not really "younger" anymore, you know? On the seldom occasions where I have dated, it doesn't seem to go that well, and either they're not interested, or I'm not, or whatever. I'm just not that suited for it.

I'm sure there are a lot of people who feel that way. I wouldn't give up on finding your match, if it's something you want. My uncle was completely partnerless unless he met my aunt in his early sixties.

 

[ronandannette]

I'm sure there are a lot of people who feel that way. I wouldn't give up on finding your match, if it's something you want. My uncle was completely partnerless unless he met my aunt in his early sixties.

Which at least probably eliminated the "do you want to have kids" dilemma.

 

[jenm2878]

My DH and I have been together since we were 19 & 21, and were on the fence for years if we'd ever have kids. We were the couple that would have been fine either way; we'd be happy with kids but wouldn't have been devastated if we never had them. Sometime around turning 30, a switch flipped and we decided to give parenting a shot. Life had other ideas though, and it took us two long years to have my oldest. Three years later we decided he needed a sibling, and our family was complete. When my youngest was a newborn my DH went in to get the big V. His doctor asked him if he was sure because, "what if you get divorced?" My DH responded, "Well I'll still have two kids so...."

Long story short, sometimes people do change their minds. And sometimes they don't. I love my kids more than anything and I still stand by the idea that we would have been fine if we decided not to have them.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Which at least probably eliminated the "do you want to have kids" dilemma.

Yeah, but she was only 21.

Just kidding. She is a couple years younger than him. It was a shock to us for sure, though.

 

[aprilgail]

I didn't want kids when I was younger or in my early 20s. I found kids annoying - I still do to some extent (other people' s kids mainly - mine sometomes too, lol). Once we were married, we agreed to have 1 or 2 kids. I am not sure what changed my mind. It just seemed more appealing when I was a little older. I still wanted to wait until I was 30 though bc I liked the lifestyle we had and felt I wanted my 20s to myself. So we have 2 kids and they are now 7 and 9. I love them with all my heart. I love them like I never loved anyone before. I can not explain it. It just IS. The other side of that is that I never knew I was an anxious person until I had kids though - I didn't know you could worry about another person to this extent!

I hope my daughter follows your lead LOL- She is 18 and says she doesn't want kids- I am hoping she changes her mind since she is my only child and only shot at being a grandmother! her boyfriend right now does want kids so hoping if she stays with him he changes her mind!

 

[ronandannette]

Yeah, but she was only 21.

Just kidding. She is a couple years younger than him. It was a shock to us for sure, though.

A happy one, I hope!

 

[sk!mom]

My DH and I have been together since we were 19 & 21, and were on the fence for years if we'd ever have kids. We were the couple that would have been fine either way; we'd be happy with kids but wouldn't have been devastated if we never had them. Sometime around turning 30, a switch flipped and we decided to give parenting a shot. Life had other ideas though, and it took us two long years to have my oldest. Three years later we decided he needed a sibling, and our family was complete. When my youngest was a newborn my DH went in to get the big V. His doctor asked him if he was sure because, "what if you get divorced?" My DH responded, "Well I'll still have two kids so...."

Long story short, sometimes people do change their minds. And sometimes they don't. I love my kids more than anything and I still stand by the idea that we would have been fine if we decided not to have them.

Ha! That’s exactly what my DH told the doctor years ago.

“I don’t want to be responsible for anymore humans.”

 

[sk!mom]

To those who truly don't want kids,THANK YOU! I've worked in preschools for a long time,and there are WAY too many parents that shouldn't have had children.Children are a lot of work,and I've seen many parents who are adamant about having their "me" time,even with little ones.We've got parents at my school who are off in the summer,and bring their kids full time in the summer.It's absolutely nuts.BTW,I'm not a dog person,but no one has ever given me a hard time about it.

But most centers require you to continue to pay full tuition or lose your spot so it’s better to let the center be selfish and collect the money while Mom watches her own child?

Threads pop up from time to time about how expensive it is to hire an evening babysitter so why not utilize the one you’re already paying for to have a little time to yourself? Geez...pile on the Mom guilt!

When DD was preschool aged, I had to pay throughout the summer and she would get up everyday asking for her friends. I absolutely dropped her off some so that I could clean house, meet DH for lunch, or just have a breather.

 

[SpookyJ]

Wow, I can't say I expected to find a childfree thread on a Disney forum (and a respectful one, too!) I am pleasantly surprised. I've just known since I was old enough to think about it that I didn't want kids (around 8?) I didn't put much thought into it until I was in my mid teens and people started saying "when you have kids" and not "if." I am 26 now and people have finally accepted it's just not happening. My boyfriend is older than me and has older kids from previous relationships and doesn't want more so that works well for me. I don't feel like you have to have a reason - it's a huge life choice either way and you should do what you feel comfortable with. I don't think that makes anyone selfish.

 

[Tattylou]

I hope my daughter follows your lead LOL- She is 18 and says she doesn't want kids- I am hoping she changes her mind since she is my only child and only shot at being a grandmother! her boyfriend right now does want kids so hoping if she stays with him he changes her mind!

I'm an only child too so my kids are my parents only grandkids. If you asked me at 18 if I wanted kids, it would have been a no. If you asked me at 28, it was much more of a yes. I guess all you can do is support whatever she decides.