Children's love lives

[Becc1]

My DS 17, almost 18 has never had a serious girlfriend. He's had a couple of girls that he's dated off and on but nothing serious where he would consider them his girlfriend. The past couple months, since they graduated in May, he has been spending a lot of time with this girl who lives in our court. He has been friends with her for years, she's the only girl their age around here so she's always hung out with the guys. Lately though she's been coming over by herself. They have also been going out a lot lately, the movies, dinners, Six Flags, even an Orioles game.

Here's the problem, she has a boyfriend. I knew she was dating someone a couple months ago but I figured since her and DS have been doing all of these things together that she had broken up with her boyfriend. My niece was hanging out with them a couple of weeks ago and the girl told her she had a boyfriend. So my DS knows this but keeps doing all of this stuff with her because its obvious that he likes her, by the way, he is paying for all of these outings, including the $200 day at the ballpark. Now my DS and I have a very open relationship, he tells me way more than any teen probably should tell their parents but the one topic we don't discuss is girls. I feel like this girl is using him, i don't want him to get his heart broken but I don't feel it's my place to say anything. I know I didn't want to hear love advice from my parents at his age but I do feel like we have a different relationship than me and my parents did. My DH agrees and says we need to let him figure it out on his own but it's just so hard. He seems to totally be stuck in the "friend zone" but doesn't realize it. Sorry to vent, it's just so hard to keep quiet when I'm watching him bring her lunches to work or take her places. Just a little bit ago her was asking me about an Italian restaurant in Little Italy he was thinking go going to, apparently they are going down to Baltimore tomorrow

 

[castlecouture2011]

I don't think you would be out of line to talk to him, especially since it sounds like you would do it in a non-accusatory manner. It sounds like she is kind of stringing him along which is just unfair and while he may know it deep down, you saying something might make him sort of realize it. Just say it kind of how you did here, "I know you may not want my advice because I didn't want advice from my parents, but I'm just sharing my opinion and looking out for your best interests, etc." From what you've said of y'all's relationship even if he doesn't listen to what you have to say, it sounds like he wouldn't be MAD about it, and then at least you've been able to put it out there.

Just my opinion as someone who was that age not TOO long ago and had a mom I was/am close to

 

[RadioNate]

My DS 17, almost 18 has never had a serious girlfriend. He's had a couple of girls that he's dated off and on but nothing serious where he would consider them his girlfriend. The past couple months, since they graduated in May, he has been spending a lot of time with this girl who lives in our court. He has been friends with her for years, she's the only girl their age around here so she's always hung out with the guys. Lately though she's been coming over by herself. They have also been going out a lot lately, the movies, dinners, Six Flags, even an Orioles game.

Here's the problem, she has a boyfriend. I knew she was dating someone a couple months ago but I figured since her and DS have been doing all of these things together that she had broken up with her boyfriend. My niece was hanging out with them a couple of weeks ago and the girl told her she had a boyfriend. So my DS knows this but keeps doing all of this stuff with her because its obvious that he likes her, by the way, he is paying for all of these outings, including the $200 day at the ballpark. Now my DS and I have a very open relationship, he tells me way more than any teen probably should tell their parents but the one topic we don't discuss is girls. I feel like this girl is using him, i don't want him to get his heart broken but I don't feel it's my place to say anything. I know I didn't want to hear love advice from my parents at his age but I do feel like we have a different relationship than me and my parents did. My DH agrees and says we need to let him figure it out on his own but it's just so hard. He seems to totally be stuck in the "friend zone" but doesn't realize it. Sorry to vent, it's just so hard to keep quiet when I'm watching him bring her lunches to work or take her places. Just a little bit ago her was asking me about an Italian restaurant in Little Italy he was thinking go going to, apparently they are going down to Baltimore tomorrow

How does she have time to do all this with your DS if she has a boyfriend?

Where's that guy?

Maybe the niece can mention to your DS about the girls boyfriend? Would coming from his cousin be better? Peers & all?

 

[lvcourtneyy]

At the 17/18 age, especially senior year and the summer after, relationship statuses change pretty quickly a lot of the time.

I don't want to make any assumptions about the situation because there are just so many things that could be going on but in any case, I don't think it would hurt to have a conversation with your son about it. My advice would be simply to make sure you approach him about it in more of a friendly discussion way and try to just make sure he's not in a position to get hurt.

 

[Becc1]

I don't think you would be out of line to talk to him, especially since it sounds like you would do it in a non-accusatory manner. It sounds like she is kind of stringing him along which is just unfair and while he may know it deep down, you saying something might make him sort of realize it. Just say it kind of how you did here, "I know you may not want my advice because I didn't want advice from my parents, but I'm just sharing my opinion and looking out for your best interests, etc." From what you've said of y'all's relationship even if he doesn't listen to what you have to say, it sounds like he wouldn't be MAD about it, and then at least you've been able to put it out there.

Just my opinion as someone who was that age not TOO long ago and had a mom I was/am close to

Yeah, I don't think he would get mad at me, believe it or not we rarely get angry with each other, hes a pretty good kid so we never really have issues. DH is just very adamant about us not butting in.

How does she have time to do all this with your DS if she has a boyfriend?

Where's that guy?

Maybe the niece can mention to your DS about the girls boyfriend? Would coming from his cousin be better? Peers & all?

I have been thinking the same thing, because seriously they hang out probably 3 or 4 nights a weeks. I don't think the boyfriend lives around here and must not have a car. She made a comment on Twitter the other day about "its not cool when your boyfriend stands you up".

I was thinking maybe my niece could say something, she actually lives in PA so we don't see her a lot but we are going up there in a coupe of weeks so maybe I an get her to say something. I also was thinking maybe seeing what his best friend thinks, I've known him since the boys were in Kindergarten and he's one of those kids who has no problems saying whats on his mind.

 

[skatalite]

This is tough because, on one hand, I say simply tell your son "Don't let her take advantage of you, but have fun." On the other hand, he might know exactly what he's getting himself into.

The girl might not have much a boyfriend after all. The girl might be reciprocating the kindness he's showing her. They might completely understand their relationship as it is, and they might both be completely fine with it.

Ultimately, I say let your son figure things out on his own. If he's really in a pickle, he'll come to you.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd say something. And I wouldn't pussyfoot around. The kid is almost 18. By most DISers standards, an adult.

I'd probably say "you and Susie seem to be spending a lot of time together. I understand she has a boyfriend. Make sure she's not using you for money or to make the boyfriend jealous or any thing else."

After I said that, I'd say no more because beyond that, it's his mistake to make..

 

[SC Minnie]

I'd say something. And I wouldn't pussyfoot around. The kid is almost 18. By most DISers standards, an adult.

I'd probably say "you and Susie seem to be spending a lot of time together. I understand she has a boyfriend. Make sure she's not using you for money or to make the boyfriend jealous or any thing else."

After I said that, I'd say no more because beyond that, it's his mistake to make..

This is probably what I would do to. Say the one thing then let it go.

 

[ronandannette]

Yeah, I don't think he would get mad at me, believe it or not we rarely get angry with each other, hes a pretty good kid so we never really have issues. DH is just very adamant about us not butting in.




I have been thinking the same thing, because seriously they hang out probably 3 or 4 nights a weeks. I don't think the boyfriend lives around here and must not have a car. She made a comment on Twitter the other day about "its not cool when your boyfriend stands you up".

I was thinking maybe my niece could say something, she actually lives in PA so we don't see her a lot but we are going up there in a coupe of weeks so maybe I an get her to say something. I also was thinking maybe seeing what his best friend thinks, I've known him since the boys were in Kindergarten and he's one of those kids who has no problems saying whats on his mind.

Too manipulative...don't do this. With such a great, open relationship between the two of you the choices are either say your piece or don't. Going behind DS's back and "recruiting" others lacks integrity and is not something you would want to have come between you.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I have a feeling this is like the How I Met Your Mother episode with Carrie Underwood where she strings Ted along saying "I can't be with you - right now". This girl probably likes the attention from him, or being spoiled, or having a backup guy.

You and I both know, the longer this goes on, the longer it will go on, and your son could be missing out on other opportunities in the meantime.

Since you have a good relationship with him, I would say something in a non-confrontational way. Especially since he is spending his money on everything and that money could be used for other expenses.

I think we have ALL been in the position at some point in our lives. Mine was a few years ago in my mid-20's. I mooned over a guy friend for 3 years, and he kept stringing me along. When I finally got smart and called him on his crap (acknowledging my own part of it too) he was NOT happy. I ended the friendship, which was hard, and to this day I miss my friend, but after I ended that mess I met my husband. Through mutual friends I know that the guy is still looking for his Mrs perfect, but he hasn't strung any female friends along in the process. Maybe I had a little to do with that.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I am one who has posted on several threads about parents should NOT be too involved or 'vested' in their kids love lives.

Here is my take...
Saying something to your son, as a heads-up, would NOT be butting in, being overly involved, etc....

There are times where looking out for a son's/daughters best interest could possibly involve a few words to the wise about about somebody that they are involved with.

There ARE takers.
There ARE girls who will do this, and who feel entitled for a free ride, just by virtue of the fact that they might be attractive to guys.
LOTS of them....

And, there are also a lot of other fish in the sea....

I think it is a fine line here...
You can NOT offer one word of well meaning advice.
You can NOT be openly judgmental.
But, given the amount of time and $$$ that your son is putting into this girl, I think a conversation that mentions the bolded above might not be out of line.

As long as this could mentioned WITHOUT any judgment or direct advice.....

It would not be any more out of line than any other conversation that a parent might have (usually with younger teens) about things like pregnancy prevention, etc....

Having said that....
I do know that many kids are likely to go the opposite route of ANYTHING that mom has to say..... But, I am not seeing that issue in your posts.

 

[JakeJenna]

If your going to bring someone else in dont do it behind his back just start up a conversation when all parties are together. I was stuck in the friend zone with a girl I really liked before I met DW, everyone on the outside told me she was taking advantage of me(which she wasn't I volunteered to do the things I did was never asked) it just made me want to prove them wrong. I read a stat somewhere that said said like 1 in 5 relationships start when one party has a bf/gf I would guess that rate is even higher at that age. My advice is let him be if she is taking advantage he will figure it out when he is ready.

 

[Wishing on a star]

She made a comment on Twitter the other day about "its not cool when your boyfriend stands you up".

I was thinking maybe my niece could say something....

NO! NO! NO!

First, how do you know what is on this girl's Twitter or Facebook or whatever...

Second... DO NOT SPEAK TO NIECE OR ANYONE ELSE ABOUT THIS....

Both of the above sound like going WAY across the 'getting involved in my son's life' thing. Way to far across.

If this girl is in the process of breaking up with her 'boyfriend', that does not do anything to make what is going on any more okay. Rebound Friend-Zone relationships will go 'POOF' once another guy who is considered boyfriend-material comes along.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well, I can speak from the other side of the fence. My dd is 22 and always has guys in the "friend zone".

Eventually they wise up and move on. She tells them that she is not interested in them THAT way, only as a friend.

We do our part and tell her that you should not be accepting "gifts" from them however a lot of the time the guy insists.

Where does he have 200 bucks to blow on a baseball game? I guess he makes good money?

As a parent you could say, hey, you are going to college, saving for X, need to pay for this or that, or whatever and you live here under our roof. You need to contribute XYZ to XYZ fund. Blowing 200 bucks at a ball game is unacceptable.

Now if he has the money and you don't have any issues with him spending that kind of money for outings, then I would just let it ride.

 

[Becc1]

NO! NO! NO!

First, how do you know what is on this girl's Twitter or Facebook or whatever...

Second... DO NOT SPEAK TO NIECE OR ANYONE ELSE ABOUT THIS....

Both of the above sound like going WAY across the 'getting involved in my son's life' thing. Way to far across.

If this girl is in the process of breaking up with her 'boyfriend', that does not do anything to make what is going on any more okay. Rebound Friend-Zone relationships will go 'POOF' once another guy who is considered boyfriend-material comes along.

I know about the Tweet because my niece and this girl follow each other on Twitter. My niece is a few years older than my son and pretty protective of him, she called me to ask me if my DS and this girl were now officially an item ( she thought the tweet was about him).

 

[Becc1]

Where does he have 200 bucks to blow on a baseball game? I guess he makes good money?

As a parent you could say, hey, you are going to college, saving for X, need to pay for this or that, or whatever and you live here under our roof. You need to contribute XYZ to XYZ fund. Blowing 200 bucks at a ball game is unacceptable.

Now if he has the money and you don't have any issues with him spending that kind of money for outings, then I would just let it ride.

He does make good money, he busses tables at a restaurant and makes more money than most kids his age do. He is very responsible usually with his money, saved up and bought his own car, pays his own insurance and has money set aside to help with college (he's going to the local community college). The ball game thing did throw me for a loop, he bought the tickets online one night while we were sleeping so didn't ask for advice about that beforehand, he asked the following day whether I thought the ticket price was a good deal or not. I don't have a problem with him spending his money the way he wants because its his money but I just hate to think he doing all this for a girl who may never be into him the way he is into her. DH feels like its just a lesson he's got to learn himself.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

He does make good money, he busses tables at a restaurant and makes more money than most kids his age do. He is very responsible usually with his money, saved up and bought his own car, pays his own insurance and has money set aside to help with college (he's going to the local community college). The ball game thing did throw me for a loop, he bought the tickets online one night while we were sleeping so didn't ask for advice about that beforehand, he asked the following day whether I thought the ticket price was a good deal or not. I don't have a problem with him spending his money the way he wants because its his money but I just hate to think he doing all this for a girl who may never be into him the way he is into her. DH feels like its just a lesson he's got to learn himself.

Yes, this is a lesson he has to learn on his own. Stinks doesn't it?

Hopefully he does not leave notes and flowers on her doorstep. Yep...some of the "friend zone" guys have done this.

 

[dawnhaze]

I've been treated that way by guys with girlfriends and my only advice to people in that situation is get away as fast as you can. If you're not someone else's first priority, they don't need to be yours. But I'd never have listened to my mom telling me that, I had to learn it through pain and suffering.

I think your son just needs the same lesson I learned. It took me until age 21 to figure it out, hopefully he can do it quicker.

 

[JakeJenna]

He does make good money, he busses tables at a restaurant and makes more money than most kids his age do. He is very responsible usually with his money, saved up and bought his own car, pays his own insurance and has money set aside to help with college (he's going to the local community college). The ball game thing did throw me for a loop, he bought the tickets online one night while we were sleeping so didn't ask for advice about that beforehand, he asked the following day whether I thought the ticket price was a good deal or not. I don't have a problem with him spending his money the way he wants because its his money but I just hate to think he doing all this for a girl who may never be into him the way he is into her. DH feels like its just a lesson he's got to learn himself.

I agree with your DH, if she is using him he will learn the traits of a user. That's what dating is after all is learning the traits we like and the ones we don't. Would you rather save him now and have him marry a user or let him learn his lesson at 18?

 

[eliza61]

At the 17/18 age, especially senior year and the summer after, relationship statuses change pretty quickly a lot of the time. I don't want to make any assumptions about the situation because there are just so many things that could be going on but in any case, I don't think it would hurt to have a conversation with your son about it. My advice would be simply to make sure you approach him about it in more of a friendly discussion way and try to just make sure he's not in a position to get hurt.

LOL You got that one right. I asked my son a couple of days ago, how was his "girlfriend" or the young lady he took to the prom and spent all his time with, he said to me "She's dead to me"

OK, how's the job?

I think you should just lay low. 17/18 is just for that. It's for self discovery, it's for learning what traits you like. It is for finding out which girls are gold diggers and which ones are good friend.

As much as it's hard to do, yes 17/18 is also the time when hearts get broken but then they learn good lessons from that.