Childless and Moving On

[j-jhall]

The hardest time that we have is how many "oops" babies we have in our family. Don't get me wrong, we love our niece's and nephew's, but each time an unplanned, out of wedlock pregnancy happens it just re-opens wounds for us.

 

[Donald&Tinkerbell]

I, too, have posted on the other thread. We moved on in 1991, and have been married almost 30 years. I'm 55 and I can tell you after a certain age, the rude questions slow down. I have to say, I'm mean. I just say "We couldn't have children" & let the bomb explode on them. They should be embarassed for being so rude. Now a lot of people just assume we're empty nesters. DH's favorite place on earth is DW and we go as often as we can. Our favorite resort is Boardwalk although now that my Mom is gone, we can't justify the expense. It has bigger rooms and is more comfortable for 3 adults, and handy when she was on a scooter. Our favorite restaurant is Flying Fish.

I think we do avoid one danger, a lot of marriages dissolve because the couples get so wrapped up in the kids & their activities, they don't continue to take care of their own relationships. We don't have that distraction as long as we can adjust to what will not be and try to live the best life we can with what we are dealt.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

i just stumbled over this thread and feel like i've come home. hi i'm kate(40) and my husband is todd(42). we have been married for 5years and had been trying to have kids right from the start. we stopped trying 2years ago. i was only willing to go so far in the assisted reproductive end. i'm a nurse and i work in labor and delivery. i see all the time older women trying to have babies and having all sorts of complications. i am already at risk with chronic hypertension so i choose not to continue on. my husband has been very supportive but it definetly put a strain on us for a few years. its better lately but it hasn't gotten back to how we used to be. we are lucky to have 10 nieces and nephews- i say lucky now but at the time it was very frustrating to watch all my friends and family having babies right and left.

i thought i was doing ok with the moving on part. but something happened last week. we happened to be at a restauant with some of my husband coworkers. a very casual affair. one of his coworkers showed up for dessert and brought her 3 year old with her. not a big deal. but while we were waiting for the check, she leans over to me and says "aren't you ready for one yet". people say the dumbest things. i barely know this women and i'm not about to discuss all we went through and how we have chosen to stop trying. i was bothered for hours after this. so i guess i still have some baggage.

on the disney side, we went last year to celebrate my 40th birthday and had a blast. we have another trip planned for this oct and i'm going with some women from my work in jan. our favorite restauant was O'Hana's- we rolled out of there- stuffed to the seams.


we recently (two weeks ago) bought our first home, and are settling in. we have 3 cats- 2 siamese(willow and savannah) and 1 pound cat(isis). we also have a sheltie named frodo.

sorry for the ramble (and i think there was a rant in there), i work night shift and sometimes get lost in the topics.

kate

Hello, and welcome. Another night shifter here and I really only get ot Dis when I am at work, so don't tell on me

People have finally quit asking. My cousin that has 3 tells me all the time how lucky I am not to have to deal with them. Her oldest DD is 10, DS with Autism is 6, and the youngest DD is 3 going on 30. I am glad I am not the mother to her 3, because I would be a crazy person, but I do love them to death and they are better behaved when they are with me, too Guess they have heard my "BIG" voice, as the 3 year old calls it, more than once.

I don't know how you di it working in Labor and Delivery, I shutter when I have to go to LDRP to see a pt, especially the ones that are under 17. I have even seen some as young as 13. There was even a set of 14 year old twins that had babies a month apart.

Congratulations on the new house, DH and I bought our first and last home in October. I will NEVER live anywhere else. We still haven't even completely moved all of our stuff in, but hopefully by the end of the summer.

The hardest time that we have is how many "oops" babies we have in our family. Don't get me wrong, we love our niece's and nephew's, but each time an unplanned, out of wedlock pregnancy happens it just re-opens wounds for us.

My cousin that has the 3, the oldest and youngest were oops and the second was an attmept to save her marriage baby. It is hard to feel that way now, since I do love them so much, but it was hard especially because I was doing my IUI's when the #3 oops popped up, she was lying to all of us, but my mom cornered her one day and questioned her until she caved and I almost killed her with my bare hands, she avoided me like the plague until after miss grown up was born, then I just had to go see her and squish her a little.

I have another cousin that has 2 oops babies and I am so glad she doesn't live near me and we don't speak, so it was a little easier to deal with. Her second is very sick, so I feel she got what she deserves, no offense to the baby it doesn't deserve to live the life it is going to if is lives, but I wish it had better parents that would give it the care it needs.

I, too, have posted on the other thread. We moved on in 1991, and have been married almost 30 years. I'm 55 and I can tell you after a certain age, the rude questions slow down. I have to say, I'm mean. I just say "We couldn't have children" & let the bomb explode on them. They should be embarassed for being so rude. Now a lot of people just assume we're empty nesters. DH's favorite place on earth is DW and we go as often as we can. Our favorite resort is Boardwalk although now that my Mom is gone, we can't justify the expense. It has bigger rooms and is more comfortable for 3 adults, and handy when she was on a scooter. Our favorite restaurant is Flying Fish.

I think we do avoid one danger, a lot of marriages dissolve because the couples get so wrapped up in the kids & their activities, they don't continue to take care of their own relationships. We don't have that distraction as long as we can adjust to what will not be and try to live the best life we can with what we are dealt.

Welcome to the club. I am glad most of the questions have stopped for us. I don't even really have time to have a baby anymore, so I guess that is one reasons I have moved on. DH doens't really care one way or the other, actually he likes having me to himself, he is even jealous when I keep or let one of the cousin's children stay over, but he will have to get over that, cause they are mine as much as they are their mother's. He is getting better with that a little as they get older.

My mom goes to Disney with us on most of our trips, DH and I have been once without her. I wanted to take him on a surprise 30th birthday trip in August, but since we are taking a long trip in December, we couldn't justify an August trip.

Mom is taking me and a friend of mine from work to Destin for the labor day weekend for a girls weekend trip, DH doesn't know yet

DH and I have had many ups and downs in the last 3 years and he walked out on me twice, but now since I have let alot go, we are doing much better. I think things will get even better as the years go on. He and my mom have spats several times a week, but maybe I can eventually break that, if my mom wouldn't only keep her comments to herself and DH would keep his to himself

Better get back to work.

Suzanne

 

[ReaderGirl]

Hey! Welcome to Aclov, Kisobel Kate, and Donald & Tinkerbell.
So glad you stopped in!

Aclov, I know what you mean about adoption; it's not for everyone. I've met people who have wonderful adoption stories, and I've met people with adoption stories that are quite sad and sometimes truly scary. We each have to do what's right for us. BTW, it sounds like you and I are running into the same people with their inappropriate questions!

Kisobel, congrats on getting a house. I think not getting too much house is always a wise idea. Your dog's name made me smile. My husband is a Tolkien nut.

Tinkerbell, I think just being upfront with inquisitive people is probably a good approach. It leaves the person who asked the inappropriate question holding the bag, instead of you. I'm hesitant though, because in my case, sometimes people respond by acting like they feel sorry for me, and i *hate* that! I want to say "No, no, I have a fantastic, meaningful life. So we don't have kids. Sometimes it's been hard, but it's not a tragedy!! We do good things, and we have fun, too."

Speaking of having fun, the DH and I are headed to a Fourth of July party on Friday, and we're going to have a weekend of hiking &/or biking, followed by floating around our favorite local pool. I love summer!

Happy Fourth everybody!!
ReaderGirl

 

[kisobel]

thanks for the warm welcome. too tired to talk about much else.


kate

 

[If U Had Wings]

Hi!
I've been lurking on this thread for awhile, but have been shy to post myself. My story is a bit different from everyone else's. I've always wanted to have my own family, but at age 37 I'm still single and childless. At this point, I've pretty much resigned myself that this is my future. I know that is nowhere near the same as being physically unable to have children, but it still something that permeates my life.

I am lucky enough to have two wonderful nieces that I adore and get to spoil with love and affection. Sometimes however being with them makes me feel even more sad and depressed. I find myself at their birthday parties or other events seeing all the happy kids and their parents and find I need to disappear for awhile. I hate myself for feeling this way, when I know I've been gifted by getting to have them in my life.

Family events are a different kind of torture. I'm the only childless one in my generation, and definitely sense a different attitude towards me from my cousins. One of my uncles told me the family had "given up on me" and my nieces are always asking why I don't have kids too.

I have also found myself drawing away from many of my friends with kids, because it's too painful sometimes. Again I hate myself for doing it, but I'm not always up for putting on the happy face.

Oddly enough the sad feelings don't overwhelm me as much at Disney as much as they do at home. Maybe it's the kids having meltdowns that does it. My new favorite restaurant is the Hollywood Brown Derby. I ate there for the first time last year and really loved it. It felt miles away from the park and was a welcome escape. I also love the 50's prime Time cafe due to the theming and the fact that I can get real cherry cokes there.

I am also a voracious reader, although I haven't read much lately. I've been so tired I've been falling asleep before I could get anything read.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

If U Had Wings, welcome to our group. I always thought I was going to be single and when I stopped looking Dh came along and I was 27 and he was 22. I had always said that if I wasn't married by the time I was 30, I was going to try to have a baby anyway and I would have tried to, just as I did after we married.

I just don't care for family members that treat you that way, I have no use for them at all. would love to hear what my family has to say, because they have never said anything to me directly, but I am sure they must have something to say. I certainly wouldn't hold back what I would have to say to them. In fact, it is because of my aunt and uncles greediness that my mom won't be able to loan us the money to adopt. I will always hate them for that.

My cousin that is close in proximity to us says that we are lucky. She has 3 ages 10, 6, and 3 and they give her as good as she gave her mom. Her mother always told her her kids would be 10 times worse than she ever thought of being and they certainly are.

All of my friends are close to my moms age and their children are grown and have babies.

I guess Disney is a great escape for all of us. I am really looking forward to our trip in December, just wish it would get here quicker. I want to ge before then, but we can't.

Suzanne

 

[If U Had Wings]

Thanks for the welcome!

If I was a bit more financially stable I would seriously consider trying to have a baby anyways. As it is my work day runs about 12 hrs. door to door, and money is usually an issue. I just don't think it would be fair to any baby. Plus after having a few medical issues about a year or so ago, my doctor informed me that having a baby would probably be difficult for me anyways.

I try to focus on the nieces.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Thanks for the welcome!

If I was a bit more financially stable I would seriously consider trying to have a baby anyways. As it is my work day runs about 12 hrs. door to door, and money is usually an issue. I just don't think it would be fair to any baby. Plus after having a few medical issues about a year or so ago, my doctor informed me that having a baby would probably be difficult for me anyways.

I try to focus on the nieces.

Well, you have joined my club. My MD always told me I would have a hard time conceiving, just wished she could have confirmed that for me before we(mom) spent all that money. I feel the same way, it wouldn't be fair for me to leave a baby to go to work and I have to work, as I am the breadwinner in my house. DH truthfully isn't really interested in having a baby anyway, he says he does, but I know he only says it because of me. I work second shift 3-11:30pm, so that would put most of baby duty on my mom and she is getting to a time in her life where she probably wouldn't be able to pick up a baby and DH doesn't get home until after 6pm most nights and it is a fight to get him to feed the dog, cats, and bunnies, so you can imagine how he would feel about a baby.

If I had known then what I know now, I would have saved my (moms) money and bought Disney DVC instead of doing the IUI's and I would have been alot better off, that would have been a sure thing.

Have a great night, I am about to get to go home.

Suzanne

 

[ReaderGirl]

Hi If U Had Wings! Welcome!!

If it helps, I got married when I was 38. I assumed that I'd always be single.

Your family should feel lucky -- an aunt without children is the best kind of aunt! She gets to have special relationships with her nieces and nephews, and wouldn't have time if she had her own kids. Sometimes relatives can be so clueless.

Yes, the screaming meltdowns make me feel relieved to be free to enjoy Disney!
I haven't been to the 50's Prime Time restaurant, but I'd like to try it. (I don't want to stand in the corner, though!)

Have a great day, and stop by and chat anytime.

I'd love some Disney talk. Princess Suzanne, what's in store for you on your Disney trip in December? Anything special you're going to try that's new to you? I want to go to Disney in November or December, and if we're going to do it, I need to get with it. Unfortunately, my husband has a job which makes it hard for him to get away, which complicates things.

My husband and I are going on vacation in a few weeks, to Florida, but not Disney. We're going to stroll the beach, eat some seafood (a great thrill when you live in the Midwest!), and RELAX. Ahhh..

Everyone have a good one!
ReaderGirl

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Hi, just ran across this thread and thought I might try to refresh it. I have been on the Dis, but was planning our Aug and Dec trips, until my life came to a schreeching halt. Mom and I were going to WDW over Labor Day weekend, but she passed away suddenly 5 days before we were to leave. I have been overwhelmed with everything since and didn't Dis for close to a week. I was her only child, so I had to handle everything and that was really hard and just dealing with the loss is difficult. I have so many guilty feelings and don't know how to deal with them. Well, of course one of the biggest guilty feelings is not being able to give her grandchildren, so that is why I turned to you guys.

We have decided to go ahead and take our Christmas trip, she would want us to, especially since 2 of the children have never been and they are young and won't understand.

Sure hope we can all come together again, it was nice to have others to talk to that understand.

Suzanne

 

[If U Had Wings]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. We had an unexpected loss in our family as well right before the holiday. I can't imagine what you are going through.

Taking the Christmas trip sounds like it may be a good idea? Was is normal for you to do Disney at Christmas? If not the change may be the best idea. A friend of mine when after she lost her husband suddenly. She said it was good that she wasn't doing what she typically did for the holiday. Made it a bit easier that she wasn't going on with normal traditions so close to her loss.

Try not to let the no grandchildren get to you. She had you, and I'm sure that you were the world to her.

 

[CruellaDuVille]

You have to be kidding. WDW is better without kids. Kids tie you down, make you stand in line for Dumbo, limit your shopping and rush you out of all of those awesome restaurants and bars.

I love kids but Disney time without them is my idea of a real walk in the park.

 

[CruellaDuVille]

Just read the last reply....sorry about your mother too.

I lost my sister last year, could not bear the Christmas thing at home, escaped with my immediate family for Christmas at Wilderness Lodge. Good move!!

We had Christmas, it was away from the routine and it saved me from those boxes of memories. Disney got me through that difficult Christmas. It was pensive but tolerable and the decorations at WDW and Wilderness Lodge were tasteful and perfect.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

You have to be kidding. WDW is better without kids. Kids tie you down, make you stand in line for Dumbo, limit your shopping and rush you out of all of those awesome restaurants and bars.

I love kids but Disney time without them is my idea of a real walk in the park.

You made me laugh. Thank you. We had sorta decided that being childless was better for us, since we do like to just get up and go, but mom didn't let being a single parent stop her from picking me up a going, so I never thought of it as a challenge either.

Just read the last reply....sorry about your mother too.

I lost my sister last year, could not bear the Christmas thing at home, escaped with my immediate family for Christmas at Wilderness Lodge. Good move!!

We had Christmas, it was away from the routine and it saved me from those boxes of memories. Disney got me through that difficult Christmas. It was pensive but tolerable and the decorations at WDW and Wilderness Lodge were tasteful and perfect.

We will actually be home for Christmas, so that will be hard. Thanksgiving will be hard too, because we were just getting back to wanting to celebrate at home since my grandmother passed away 7 years ago. I don't know what we will do, I guess I will cross that bridge when I get there.

Suzanne

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. We had an unexpected loss in our family as well right before the holiday. I can't imagine what you are going through.

Taking the Christmas trip sounds like it may be a good idea? Was is normal for you to do Disney at Christmas? If not the change may be the best idea. A friend of mine when after she lost her husband suddenly. She said it was good that she wasn't doing what she typically did for the holiday. Made it a bit easier that she wasn't going on with normal traditions so close to her loss.

Try not to let the no grandchildren get to you. She had you, and I'm sure that you were the world to her.

This would have been our 3rd trip in December. It was her favorite time to go and we decided since we are just adults that this would be our Christmas present to each other and DH and I celebrate our December anniversary at that time as well. As I said in another post, we will actually be home for Christmas, just hope I can find a distraction. It will be very difficult for me, I didn't have to share my mom with anyone for 35 years of my life and now that is gone and tearing me up. I am having a hard time adjusting, just to day to day life.

Suzanne

 

[CruellaDuVille]

You will get through it and you will be stronger for it and your mom, who is very much in your heart and in your memories will be there to help you muddle through. The only magic in this situation is time. Hang in there, Sweetie, and be extra kind to yourself.

 

[Donald&Tinkerbell]

I've lost both parents now, and guilt over what you did and didn't do and second guessing yourself is normal. Try to, especially at the holidays, to concentrate on the good memories. It will become easier & easier. Remember that your mother loved you and would never want to spoil your holidays, nor would she truly want you to give her grandchildren if you truly felt you were better off not being a parent. She still wants you and your family to be happy. You will find yourself saying many times "Mom would have loved that" and eventually it will bring joy, not tears.

 

[ReaderGirl]

Hey everybody.

Suzanne, I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I haven't had to contend with that loss yet. It must hit hard.

Can't chat long. I'm going to go watch the prez on tv and see what he says about the economy.

ReaderGirl

 

[ReaderGirl]

One more quick post...
I just looked at photos of the Not So Scary Halloween Party on allearsnet.com, and I would so love to go!

I love Halloween, and I think seeing all the decorations would be the best!
The Headless Horseman at the beginning of the MK parade looks impressive.

ReaderGirl, sitting in Illinois waiting on the prez, wishing she were looking forward to an October trip to WDW!