Can't afford open bar for whole wedding-is this acceptable instead?*Update on pg 20*

[TXinmyheart]

Are you saying you wouldn't offer a vegetarian meal if you knew some of your guests were vegetarian?

NO we didn't. I would never expect a vegan or vegetarian to offer a meat option to please my tastes. I would never expect a seafood lover to offer a non-seafood option because a wedding is truly about the bride and groom.

So sad to read so many posts from people only thinking about what is in it for them instead of giving from your heart of your time or of a material gift with no thought for a reward. It is almost like people feel or are saying they are owed something for their time or gift.

 

[mjkacmom]

Most large weddings I've been to seem to be more about business than the couple. My older sister's wedding was a huge blowout with a couple hundred people, many whom she'd met once or twice or could barely name. Only a handful showed up to the ceremony (and they were ALL invited to both), the rest came just for the reception. She had an open bar, because that was the motivation for all these people who didn't really know her/her DH to come to the wedding with a gift in hand. My sister was hoping for enough gifts to almost 'break even' on the wedding costs, and the guests were hoping for enough drinks and food to make their money count...what exactly is the point of all that? I sincerely don't get it.

Never heard of anything like that here, the land of big weddings. Weddings are big, because of cultural traditions, and have been for generations. The only people I didn't know at my wedding were friends of my IL's - everyone else was family and friends (although I think I only had 100 people at mine - I wanted a small wedding). I don't even get the break even thing - I don't know anyone who thought like that (especially since almost everyone I know had their parents pay for the wedding).

Guests come to celebrate the couple. As much as I love a good wedding, I could think of several practical (and not so practical) ways to spend the $300 +/- I am gifting. If I don't feel close to the couple, I'll just send my regrets.

 

[msjprincess]

NO we didn't. I would never expect a vegan or vegetarian to offer a meat option to please my tastes. I would never expect a seafood lover to offer a non-seafood option because a wedding is truly about the bride and groom.

So sad to read so many posts from people only thinking about what is in it for them instead of giving from your heart of your time or of a material gift with no thought for a reward. It is almost like people feel or are saying they are owed something for their time or gift.

And I think it's sad that people like you think of their guests as an audience

 

[mjkacmom]

NO we didn't. I would never expect a vegan or vegetarian to offer a meat option to please my tastes. I would never expect a seafood lover to offer a non-seafood option because a wedding is truly about the bride and groom.
.

This is just silly. If I attended a vegetarian wedding, I could eat anything and everything! However, if a vegetarian attended a wedding without meat-free options, he or she couldn't eat anything. As a person who does eat meat, I do not need to only eat entrees that contain animal products. It's not about tastes, it's about lifestyle. I think a vegetarian, regardless of the reason (health, moral) would be ill eating meat products. A salad would not bother me a bit.

In this day and age, I would assume that, in a crowd, you'd find several vegetarians. For my wedding, I made sure there were options for all, and of course made sure there were favorites for certain people, like the parents of the bride and groom, and my grandmother. I don't think I even ate at my wedding - I was on the dance floor the entire time!

 

[shoney]

NO we didn't. I would never expect a vegan or vegetarian to offer a meat option to please my tastes. I would never expect a seafood lover to offer a non-seafood option because a wedding is truly about the bride and groom.

So sad to read so many posts from people only thinking about what is in it for them instead of giving from your heart of your time or of a material gift with no thought for a reward. It is almost like people feel or are saying they are owed something for their time or gift.

Most weddings have 3 choices or so: a beef, a chicken and seafood for the sit-down portion.

My SIL is a non-drinking vegetarian. Her recent wedding had meat and alcohol.

Most places will make a veg dish upon request. I know my SIL does it all the time.

A few years ago, we were running very late to a party in CT. When we got there dinner was being served. It looked terrible! then I sat down next to my SIL and saw she was eating a nice plate of pasta and veg. when the waitress came over, I suddenly became a vegetarian!

 

[ElizK]

DD's wedding was a few months ago. It was held at our church, reception also at the church. No alcohol (the church didn't allow it). The bride, groom, and the groom's parents were all perfectly happy with that.

My brother got re-married nearly a year ago. He had beer/wine only at his reception.

No one seemed to have a problem with either of these. Maybe I wouldn't have heard about it at my daughter's wedding, but I certainly would have at my brother's.

I don't really get why there is so much angst over alcoholic beverages.

 

[Disney Doll]

I don't think there is angst over alcoholic beverages so much as is there is angst over inviting people to your party and then making them pay for something.

I'd have no problem going to a wedding where no alcohol was served. I've been to them. Had a great time.

I'd have more of a problem with "Come to my wedding and pay for part of it, in addition to the gift".

If you can't afford the extra bar tab, then don't have alcohol. Contrary to what some folks think, while the wedding is a day to celebrate the couple, it is not only about the couple. A good host or hostess also sees to the comfort of their guests, which to me includes not making my guests pay for something at my party.

Take the alcohol out of it. If you went to a wedding and went up to the appetizer table and there was someone there collecting $5 from you to eat the appetizers, wouldn't you be taken aback?nBecause I would. For all the people who say "I didn't expect gifts. I was just happy that people attended my wedding being surrounded by those I love etc. etc.etc." let's be realistic...being invited to a wedding means bringing or sending some kind of gift. It may also mean spending money travel/stay there. To then charge the guest to partake of something at the wedding, whether it be food or drink, seems impolite.

It's simple...have the kind of wedding you can afford, or that goes with your belief system. If it's punch and cookies, then it's punch and cookies. But don't have an elaborate wedding that you expect your guests to pay for part of.

 

[Metsfan520]

Because the worst weddings I have been to had open bars. Just because we did not meet someone's idea of hospitality, it did not mean we are not hospitable. The wedding day certainly is never about the guest. It is like going to a birthday party and expecting it to be about your enjoyment rather than the one celebrating the birthday.

Like having vegetarian items for guests, etc.

 

[sam_gordon]

I don't think there is angst over alcoholic beverages so much as is there is angst over inviting people to your party and then making them pay for something.

But no one is MAKING anyone pay. Don't want to pay for your drink, have the "free" offering (water/tea/coffee).

 

[U2_rocks!]

But no one is MAKING anyone pay. Don't want to pay for your drink, have the "free" offering (water/tea/coffee).

The problem really comes when people expect certain offerings for certain types of weddings and then they aren't provided, or are provided for a fee. Evening weddings come with more of an expectation of "adult beverages" than morning weddings, for example, because people are used to having drinks when they "party". Also, certain venues may create certain expectations i.e. a church hall reception may well indicate to people that it won't be a "party" as much as a social gathering, and alcohol may not be present. I considered the norms for my area and my guests' expectations when deciding what food, drinks and music to have on hand. Between my parents, fiance and I, we collectively knew all of our guests, and we put our heads together to figure out how to best accommodate them all. We told the DJ what sort of music we wanted when. We worked out menus to suit everyone. And we decide what types of drinks we would serve, including brands. e.g. we know there is fierce brand loyalty amoung beer and rum drinkers here, so we had more than one kind of each available. Just like if you're serving wine you usually have at least 2 kinds (red and white). We took great care to choose a popular sparkling wine for the toasts that we thought would be the most palatable for the majority, rather than choose something too dry or too sweet. It's just what you do for your guests. It doesn't mean that you have to serve all sorts of alcohol at every wedding - it just means that you consider your guests and cater accordingly.

I must admit, I wanted my wedding guests to leave saying "that was an awesome party" - I knew I couldn't achieve that with my guest list without alcohol! I got married at 22, so the guest list had a great number of young and young at heart guests who danced the night away with us. A more mature couple might have a totally different vision of their reception.

 

[christineann]

Well said, Disney Doll.

Around here, a gracious host pays for the wedding and reception expenses, whether it includes alcohol or not.

A gracious guest would be happy with what is generously offered by the host, no matter what that may or may not include.

(Of course, if a guest is offended by the presence of alcohol for religious or other reasons, he or she is certainly free to decline the invitation. No one is forced to attend. Also, no one is forced to serve alcohol either - it's the choice of the bride and groom and/or hosts.)

 

[Ceila]

NO we didn't. I would never expect a vegan or vegetarian to offer a meat option to please my tastes. I would never expect a seafood lover to offer a non-seafood option because a wedding is truly about the bride and groom.

So sad to read so many posts from people only thinking about what is in it for them instead of giving from your heart of your time or of a material gift with no thought for a reward. It is almost like people feel or are saying they are owed something for their time or gift.

<------ if you don't believe me, check out some of his other threads/posts

 

[rgf207]

We had a full open bar at our wedding for the duration of the reception. The cost of the open bar was built into the price per person. If you can't afford an open bar, that's your choice but my opinion is to eliminate the alcohol entirely. There's nothing worse than a cash bar at a wedding IMHO.

Now I'm from an area where open bars at weddings are the norm.

 

[shoney]

But no one is MAKING anyone pay. Don't want to pay for your drink, have the "free" offering (water/tea/coffee).

You're right no one is forcing anyone to purchase a drink.

I find it odd to offer a cash bar. To me it screams, I recognize the fact that you may want a drink as a guest of my wedding, but I'm not paying for it!

The absence of any bar would say to me that the couple chose not to serve alcholol for whatever reason. It is their decision.

 

[NotUrsula]

NO we didn't. I would never expect a vegan or vegetarian to offer a meat option to please my tastes. I would never expect a seafood lover to offer a non-seafood option because a wedding is truly about the bride and groom.

So sad to read so many posts from people only thinking about what is in it for them instead of giving from your heart of your time or of a material gift with no thought for a reward. It is almost like people feel or are saying they are owed something for their time or gift.

I'm sorry, but the irony of this post is killing me, because the sentiment of the first paragraph directly contradicts the sentiment of the second. The first paragraph implies that guests owe the bride and groom something because those special stars of the day deigned to invite them into their rarefied atmosphere: awe, perhaps?

NOWHERE is it written that you must have a party to get married. the CEREMONY is supposed to be the part that is special to the bride and groom; the party is just a nice something extra. People all over the world get married every day in church vestries and judges chambers with only a couple of witnesses present, and those wedding days are every bit as sacred and special as the biggest hotel bash.

I don't care what kind of party it is, from a potluck on up to the most exclusive venue in the world; if you are the host it is your responsibility to put the comfort and enjoyment of your guests first on your priority list. (Notice that I didn't say their expectations should come first; you provide what you can afford and what your religion/belief system permits you to provide, but you do so with the guests' comfort paramount in your mind.)

Where I come from, we have a tradition called a Bride's Box, which is a lovely picnic-type box containing a full meal for 2 and extra treats, that is set aside by the caterer and sent to the bride and groom's hotel to be waiting for them after the reception. We do this because we don't have a cultural tradition of having the wedding party sit at a head table; we have a tradition that the bridal couple spend the majority of the reception on their feet circulating and personally greeting each guest and taking a bit of time to talk with them and thank them for coming. When you do that you don't get to take time to eat, so by the time the party is over you're starved, but the guests are not, and they go home knowing that you were touched that they took the time out of their busy lives to come and celebrate your wedding day.

PS: I just remembered this thread from a while back, where someone asked about what makes a wedding pleasantly memorable from a guest's perspective. It's a good one: http://disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2969065

 

[Bob NC]

Take the alcohol out of it. If you went to a wedding and went up to the appetizer table and there was someone there collecting $5 from you to eat the appetizers, wouldn't you be taken aback?nBecause I would.

Once again, the difference is that cash bars at weddings happen all day every day in every part of this country.

Nobody has EVER heard of a charge for an appetizer at any wedding.

I really don't understand the comparison.

I am now thru talking about the above quoted post. What follows refers to NO POST or POSTER in particular.

The problem with these type of threads is that the people that don't agree with a cash bar at a wedding can't simply 'disagree' with the notion, rather, they have to be 'mortified' by it, or they have to lack the ability to "understand who would do such a thing." It can't simply be something I wouldn't do, it has to be 'tacky'. It can't be a 'choice I wouldn't make", it has to be a "choice NOBODY should ever make."

Some folks have cash bars, some don't.

Neither is right or wrong, but also, neither is unimaginable either.

 

[luvsJack]

If the bride and groom and/or their families do not drink and would not serve alcohol at any other party they have; why should they have to at the reception? And if they decide that if someone "just has to have alcohol", then they will have a cash bar for those that CHOOSE to partake (while still serving plenty of non-alcohol things to drink); I don't get why that is wrong.

When dniece had her second wedding it was at the Elks Lodge. She did serve wine and beer along with tea and soft drinks. She did not serve mixed drinks but she let everyone know that if they would like something besides what was being served the lodge bar would be open and they were welcome to order something and bring it back to the reception hall. No one seemed ruffled by it in the least . If she had served only tea, coffee and soft drinks and let everyone know that if the would like alcohol, they would be welcome to order something at the lodge bar--I don't see it as any different.

 

[aprilgail2]

Most large weddings I've been to seem to be more about business than the couple. My older sister's wedding was a huge blowout with a couple hundred people, many whom she'd met once or twice or could barely name. Only a handful showed up to the ceremony (and they were ALL invited to both), the rest came just for the reception. She had an open bar, because that was the motivation for all these people who didn't really know her/her DH to come to the wedding with a gift in hand. My sister was hoping for enough gifts to almost 'break even' on the wedding costs, and the guests were hoping for enough drinks and food to make their money count...what exactly is the point of all that? I sincerely don't get it.

That is very common- I typically will skip the church part and just go to the reception- mainly the family and close friends go to the church. That doesn't seem at all odd to me aroudn here. I am ROFLMAO at the open bar being "motivation" to go to the reception in order to get the "free" alcohol. I could give myself a few nights out of dinner and drinking for what a wedding gift runs here- 250.00 (more for family and close friends!) will get me more than one night out drinking!

 

[mjkacmom]

Once again, the difference is that cash bars at weddings happen all day every day in every part of this country.
.

Not true - a cash bar here would NOT be the norm, and would be a little shocking. Now, I'm not saying it's wrong to have one in other areas if it's common, but no, not here. So, there are not cash bars at weddings every day in every part of this country.

 

[Snoozan]

OP here - WOW! I can't believe the # of responses to my post. Alot of them were somewhat hurtful in that they can in no way understand the cash bar, when that is very normal in my world, and feel that no alcohol is better than giving guests a chance to buy what they want. I will probably volunteer to pay for the 'happy hour' beer & wine while pics are being taken, which is not even expected by my extended family. I will have to verify with my DS/DDIL if coffee/tea/soda is included in their catering costs. There really are quite a number of differences based on region and I don't think any one way is better than any other.