Can't afford open bar for whole wedding-is this acceptable instead?*Update on pg 20*

[msjprincess]

Because the bride and groom get to "offer" drinks without paying for it themselves. Basically, their guests are paying for that part of the reception.

Exactly. In my eyes it's no different than offering chicken as the entree and then telling the guests they can upgrade to steak for $10.

 

[kamik86]

I have never been to a wedding that wasn't a cash bar. I guess that is just the norm in my area. For my wedding I coudlnt' have made it a dry wedding if I wanted to without changing the venue. There is a bar just outside the hall. Actually most large hall type places in the area have bars in the building that would be open for anything but an early morning reception. So without doing an outdoor wedding (which would also have meant a new date) I'm not sure I could have had a dry wedding.

We did pay for soda for all guests (also gotten from the bar just outside the reception hall) because we had alot of kids (and a few adults) that don't drink coffee. Actually more people were surprised they didn't have to buy soda then anything else. My sisters wedding (both times) was the same way (well except she didn't pay for Soda either, just had a punch bowl and you had to pay for anything else)

 

[cepmom]

I've never been to a wedding that wasn't cash bar also (Boston area) I've been to a few that had open bar for the cocktail hour but after that first hour, it was cash for everything, even soda (coffee was provided at no charge however) but the norm, in my experience anyway, is cash bar always, for everything, even soda. It's not a big deal and most people that I know expect to pay for drinks at a wedding.

 

[DawnM]

We had no alcohol at our wedding.

 

[kimblebee]

Around here, open bar is the norm. That includes beer, wine, soft drinks, and hard liquor. Wine is on the table for dinner but the bar is still open. As far as I remember most places have you bring the alcohol you want and they serve it. You can return anything unopened for a refund. I can't remember being at a reception where people were drunk and unruly.

 

[DawnM]

These are quite different IMO.

You don't need alcohol. You don't need cake or centerpieces or flowers either. All these things make for a nice evening though.

 

[msjprincess]

These are quite different IMO.

How?

 

[surfgirl]

I think there are different types of receptions that dictate alcohol choices.

1) afternoon reception - in a church hall - punch, cookies, cake. maybe even apps. Less likely to include alcohol. (less formal)

2) evening buffet dinner - this can vary quite a bit.

3) evening plated dinner - band - formal event. This would feel weird to not have alcohol - because it is a formal 'party' and typically formal parties include alcohol.

There are lots of other varieties of receptions where it is less formal, but it feels like a formal, plated dinner with a band (or even DJ?) feels like there should be alcohol. Wine/beer? Fine if the venue will allow it. Many will not.

I'm not a fan of the cash bar if everything else is top shelf. Someone above put it well - you've invited a guest and expect them to buy their own drinks, but yet the bride spent THOUSANDS on dress, photographer, decorations, limo, flowers, etc. There are many ways to make those just as nice, but less expensive and be able to "host" your guests. Why not ask them to chip if $5 so you can have nicer flowers? Or pay extra for steak instead of chicken (as some above have suggested).

I find the food isn't great (plating 200 steaks at the same time is pretty tough) and no one remembers the food. But the band... and the dancing? Absolutely. We had just the basic "grilled chicken" but spent a lot on a great band. And people had a blast. (or at least we did and all our friends told us they did).

ymmv.

 

[TXinmyheart]

A wedding is just another party in my mind. I wouldn't invite guests to my home and charge them for a beer...even if it was at cost! I buy it...I serve it...They drink it!

Around these parts, BYOB parties and potlucks are the norm. We did not have a bar or any alcohol at our wedding for some very personal reasons. If was boring for our guests, frankly too bad. Our wedding day was about us, not about them. We were thrilled they came to spend the day with us and share in our joy, but ultimately it was about us.

Also a party in your home is far different than a wedding just by virtue of the sheer number of guests. I could never imagine going to a wedding without a cash bar. I would never expect the hosts to pay for my alcohol much less the cost of a babysitter or the cost of transportation to the wedding.

 

[surfgirl]

Around these parts, BYOB parties and potlucks are the norm. We did not have a bar or any alcohol at our wedding for some very personal reasons. If was boring for our guests, frankly too bad. Our wedding day was about us, not about them. We were thrilled they came to spend the day with us and share in our joy, but ultimately it was about us.

Why even invite guests then? If it was "all about you" and you don't care what they thought... wow. Can you say bridezilla?

 

[shoney]

Around these parts, BYOB parties and potlucks are the norm. We did not have a bar or any alcohol at our wedding for some very personal reasons. If was boring for our guests, frankly too bad. Our wedding day was about us, not about them. We were thrilled they came to spend the day with us and share in our joy, but ultimately it was about us.

Also a party in your home is far different than a wedding just by virtue of the sheer number of guests. I could never imagine going to a wedding without a cash bar. I would never expect the hosts to pay for my alcohol much less the cost of a babysitter or the cost of transportation to the wedding.

I guess it just a regional difference. To me the host is responsible for what is served at the party. They are not responsible for transportation or babysitting.

As for the number of guests, I would only invite those I could afford to have. I got married 20 years ago and had 130 people. That fit our budget for the wedding I wanted. If I had more, I would have had to sacrifice the venue. I chose to have a smaller, but more upscale wedding rather than invite more people.

I've never been to a BYOB or a potluck party.

I've hosted BBQ parties in the summer with up to 50 guests and no one was required to bring anything. Most people brought a bottle of wine, dessert, etc, but they weren't asked to.

 

[sam_gordon]

Because the bride and groom get to "offer" drinks without paying for it themselves. Basically, their guests are paying for that part of the reception.

Maybe because the guests feel they NEED those drinks, when perfectly good drinks are available for free (ie: water/tea/coffee).

A wedding is just another party in my mind. I wouldn't invite guests to my home and charge them for a beer...even if it was at cost! I buy it...I serve it...They drink it!

But if someone wanted a certain brand of beer at your party, would you provide it? What if you had 10 people and they all wanted a different brand of beer? Would you begrudge them bringing their own, so they'd be happy with the drink choices?

With a cash bar, no one is forcing guests to use it. It's their choice.

 

[shoney]

Maybe because the guests feel they NEED those drinks, when perfectly good drinks are available for free (ie: water/tea/coffee).

But if someone wanted a certain brand of beer at your party, would you provide it? What if you had 10 people and they all wanted a different brand of beer? Would you begrudge them bringing their own, so they'd be happy with the drink choices?
With a cash bar, no one is forcing guests to use it. It's their choice.

Well I do buy a variety...LOL...I know what close family members like and I do buy them. I even include the o'douls for my SIL.

Usually guests bring beer/wine/dessert to a house party. they aren't asked, they just do it. So, if someone wanted a particular brand, then that is probably what they would choose to bring.

 

[mjkacmom]

I didn't read all of the responses, but where I live, of course you have open bar. However, I did attend a wedding of a very religious Christian couple who didn't drink, and they had one hour open bar at cocktail hour, and then red and white wine during the reception, which was fine.

If money is short, I think it's okay just to serve beer and wine at the reception (gasp!). I would serve at least the minimum of what I'd offer guests in my home. DH and I rarely drink hard liquor - it seems to be a generation thing among people are age (my parents generation were really into the heavy stuff). However, if I invite someone over who I know loves his or her vodka tonic, I will be prepared (we have a friend who doesn't drink alcohol - only pepsi - so I always buy it, even though we don't drink soda).

As for worrying about the drunks, since open bar is the norm where I live, you don't have uncle Bucky going crazy for all of the free booze. I mean, in other areas of the country, does aunt Tilly gorge herself on the free buffet until she pukes just because it's free? Drink up all of the punch and put herself in a sugar coma?

I saw a comment that weddings aren't about the food and drink - well, maybe not where you are from, but here, people will fast for days just to be able to take one little bite of all of the food offered (not because it's free, but because it's delicious). It's way more about the food than the alcohol, but alcohol would be missed, just like if you decided not to bother with a wedding cake. It's the whole package, the whole experience.

Keep in mind, I've never been to any function in our church basement besides the Children's Mass and family bingo. Most Christening and Communion parties are at outside venues, and usually have an open bar, as well. I've never seen anyone even remotely drunk at these events.

 

[KimR]

With a cash bar, no one is forcing guests to use it. It's their choice.

This is how I feel. I've only been to one wedding with a cash bar and though I was a little surprised, I'd much rather have the option to pay for the drinks myself than have no alcohol available at all.

 

[Lionqueen2]

Why even invite guests then? If it was "all about you" and you don't care what they thought... wow. Can you say bridezilla?

You are correct. So many brides become so focused that this is 'their day', that they forget their guests have also invested time and money to share the day with them and the bride and her family are hosts at the wedding and need to take care of their guests.

Before my daughter's wedding, both she and I sat down and refreshed our thoughts about each guest so that she would have something unique to say to each guest as she made the rounds during the reception so that we could make each guest feel important to us. Refreshing her memory beforehand helped so that she didn't have to do any quick thinking during the busy reception. So many people commented on what a 'lovely girl she is' and her mother was very proud. They still talk about her graciousness and remember all the individual attention she gave them on her special day.

 

[design_mom]

But if someone wanted a certain brand of beer at your party, would you provide it? What if you had 10 people and they all wanted a different brand of beer? Would you begrudge them bringing their own, so they'd be happy with the drink choices?

With a cash bar, no one is forcing guests to use it. It's their choice.

I think it is up to the host to offer a variety of drinks at their party, not necessarily alcoholic ones though. (I don't drink, but I usually try to have beer available, because I know others like it. I try to get what I've seen my guests drinking before, but I don't go out and get 10 different kinds of beer for 10 different guests.) And it's up to the guests to politely choose from what's offered.

I probably wouldn't begrudge someone for bringing their own (I'm pretty casual about stuff like that), but I'd think it would be odd especially at a more formal gathering. As a guest I would NEVER do it. Isn't that essentially saying to your host "what you offered is not good enough for me?" You choose from what's offered and you say "thank you."

As a "for instance" that's closer to my level of knowledge: I prefer Caffeine Free Coke (not Diet). If I go to a party and they only have Pepsi, or Coke with caffeine, or Diet Coke, I have a choice to drink it, choose something else that's offered, or go without. It would be a rude host who didn't offer a few choices, but it would be a rude guest who snubbed her nose at ALL the choices and said "you don't have what I want here."

As I've posted before -- I'm kind of conflicted about the cash bar. It is generally "accepted" and as long as there are no-charge options available it's not a big deal to me... but I wouldn't do it. I liked shoney's example earlier in the thread. It would be really weird to tell your guests "the chicken entree is included, but you can upgrade to steak for $5 person." Why are beverages different? It seems like it the hosts should do their best to accommodate what they think their guests will enjoy, but the guests should take what's offered with gratitude.

 

[mjkacmom]

We don't have bottles or cans of beer on the Thanksgiving table either, but I don't see why serving it would not be appropriate at a formal wedding reception. We had a formal wedding and reception for over 250 people (many in tuxedos and gowns) with a band (not a plated dinner but prime rib, seafood, etc. were served), and the open bar included beer. I've never been to an event (formal or otherwise) with an open bar where beer was not served along with other beverages.

Edited to add: Beer can be poured into a glass if you don't want to hold a can or bottle. I don't think anyone is really interested in whether someone is drinking beer, wine, liquor, soda, etc.

My parents always hosted formal holiday dinners (china, crystal wine and water glasses, bread plates, knives, etc.). Beer (usually craft beer) was served in beer glasses. My dad finally tolerates beer in bottles on casual occasions (like if we go over for dinner), but will try to make you put it in a glass.

I've been to tons of formal weddings (pretty much all of the weddings I've attended have been formal), and beer is always offered. Granted, if you are hankering for a Pabst Blue Ribbon, you might be out of luck!

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

this is always a fun debate. I'm enjoying everyone's opinions on the matter but I stand by my stance that weddings without alcohol (for financial or religious reasons) are boring as hell. And cash bars are indeed tacky. We even had an open bar at our rehearsal dinner!! No way I'm having people fly in, spend money on a hotel and a gift and not have a really great party.

 

[t_daniels]

Because the bride and groom get to "offer" drinks without paying for it themselves. Basically, their guests are paying for that part of the reception.

But , if the bride and groom aren't drinking themselves, and know people would be upset with a dry wedding, why not? As long as guests are tastefully informed/warned?