Can love be equal?

[kmedina]

My X-wife accused me of this. I think it is your kids NEED you more that may appear to some as more love, but like others have said it is a different love.

I am assuming since she is your ex-wife that you love your kids more now even if you did not then. If she was wrong, talk about the self fulfilling prophecy.

I am the most analytical person I've ever met. I measure and quantify things that are basically unmeasurable and unquantifiable for a living, and I tend to judge and balance everything I encounter in business and in life (for example, I can explain who I'd save first in a fire and why, but it's not because I love them more than the others), but I simply cannot fathom saying or believing that I love my children more than my spouse or my spouse more than my children. They are both infinite to me, and therefore cannot be measured against each other because infinity, by any analytical definition, is immeasurable.

This sounds like my husband talking. Did he put you up to this? He also tells me that he is very analytical (as if I did not know). I also hear him constantly talking about statistical analysis and data reconfiguration (Chandler Bing anyone). One of his many job functions also involves meauring things and stats as yours does as well. Everything else you've said is verbatim what he would have said. Tell him I said hello, j/k.

 

[Keli]

No way would I ever feel I love my dd more than I love my dh. They are both vital to my life and I never want to live without either one of them in my life.

 

[ems_mom]

It's comparing apples to oranges.

I adore my husband, but what I feel for him is in NO way the same thing I feel for my children.

My husband's like my left arm... He's an integral part of me. At the same time he's totally hot, and he makes me laugh, and he makes me feel safe. He's there for me.

My love for my children is more of a protective love. I worry more about them. I am more careful of them. I do NOT expect them to care for me, or be there to support me in life. And I know, unlike my husband, they'll only be mine for a few short years.

I think the big problem is that we just have one little word in English to cover a HUGE idea. We'd be better off if we had different words for different kinds of love, so we wouldn't get trapped into comparing things that aren't comparable at all. Like the love you have for a spouse, versus the love you have for a child.

Your response rings true for me.

My child is grown and on her own, but I will love, protect and defend her in any way she needs me to until my dying breath.

My husband, in a way, does the same for me. (And his daughter too.) We are two halves of a whole. My daughter can survive without us, but I'm not sure how well we would do without each other. We have built a life together, lived far longer with each other than with our parents or anyone else, including our child.

Love with your spouse is a chosen bond; love with your child is an instinctual bond even harder to break.

 

[Family Fun Mom]

I have never felt anything as strong as the love I feel for my kids. I agree that it's a very different love than a marital, or romantic, love. It shouldn't even be called the same thing.

 

[kmedina]

I am plotting the results of the "study" for my husband. The PC answers that they are different loves thus cannot be compared will be dismissed, since they do not answer the question (Do you love your children more than you love your spouse)?

Since some of the answers are purposefully vague, I will interpret them. (This is obviously not a scientific study). I need a minimum sample size of 30 for statistical significance, so I cannot close the study yet.

Here's what I have so far:
Loves kids more: Posts- 4,10,11,14,20,37 and 44
Loves spouse more: Posts- 12,26 and 31
Loves them equally: Post 5

If I have interpreted your response incorrectly, please let me know. I want this to be as accuarte as possible, so my husband will respect the results. Thank you for participating. We need at least 19 more responses that directly answer the question or the study will never be complete.

 

[arihillfarm]

To me it's a different kind of love. I will say if I only had time to save either my DH or my DD I'd choose DD without a doubt. DH would save her over me as well so I guess our love for one another is equal then.

It's the same way with DH and I. I would not expect anything less of him. We both know that the worst thing would be for either one of us to live after losing one of our children. Knowing that one of us was alive because we were chosen to be saved and one of our children perished, well that would make continuing to live very difficult. We have actually had this discussion so we know exactly where we stand with each other. It's not an either/or kind of love, just parental love and fierce protection versus romantic love. Both are very different things IMHO.

-Astrid

 

[bellarella]

I am plotting the results of the "study" for my husband. The PC answers that they are different loves thus cannot be compared will be dismissed, since they do not answer the question (Do you love your children more than you love your spouse)?

Since some of the answers are purposefully vague, I will interpret them. (This is obviously not a scientific study). I need a minimum sample size of 30 for statistical significance, so I cannot close the study yet.

Here's what I have so far:
Loves kids more: Posts- 4,10,11,14,20,37 and 44
Loves spouse more: Posts- 12,26 and 31
Loves them equally: Post 5

If I have interpreted your response incorrectly, please let me know. I want this to be as accuarte as possible, so my husband will respect the results. Thank you for participating. We need at least 19 more responses that directly answer the question or the study will never be complete.

This is a complete misrepresentation of this thread. Most everyone in it seems to be saying (as politely as they can) that your question reflects a view of love that is completely foreign to the majority of people who have responded -- that the ability or need to "rank" love is antithetical to what love is for them.

The fact that you said your DH is the head of your household really pops out to me. That characterization really put the other posts in perspective. There is no "head of household" in our family. DH and I are equal partners. There is no rank between us. The love between us is between two equals. The love between us and our children is asymmetrical. These two things can't be compared.

Now I know lots of people IRL who do love their children more (or their spouse more), so I'm not saying it's not possible. In just about every case one partner either got married in order to have a family. For them, having children was the primary focus from the beginning. They weren't looking for intense romantic love so much as someone they thought would be a good father/mother. On the flip side, I know people who agreed to have children so that they could be married to someone they loved deeply. They didn't not want children, but the decision was driven by their partner, not them.

For me, finding a partner I was madly in love with came first. If I didn't find someone I didn't think my life would be more fulfilling with than without, I had no plans to marry. The decision to have children was second to the first. Since I didn't "need" to have children, the decision to have them was just as deliberate as the first. We did not have kids until we really wanted them.

Both loves are intense. Both are different. Asking me to compare them shows a disconnect in what I experience as love. I am not capable of answering your question, nor would I want to be in relationships where it is possible.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I am plotting the results of the "study" for my husband. The PC answers that they are different loves thus cannot be compared will be dismissed, since they do not answer the question (Do you love your children more than you love your spouse)?

Since some of the answers are purposefully vague, I will interpret them. (This is obviously not a scientific study). I need a minimum sample size of 30 for statistical significance, so I cannot close the study yet.

Here's what I have so far:
Loves kids more: Posts- 4,10,11,14,20,37 and 44
Loves spouse more: Posts- 12,26 and 31
Loves them equally: Post 5

If I have interpreted your response incorrectly, please let me know. I want this to be as accuarte as possible, so my husband will respect the results. Thank you for participating. We need at least 19 more responses that directly answer the question or the study will never be complete.

to #14.

 

[Tiger926]

This is a complete misrepresentation of this thread. Most everyone in it seems to be saying (as politely as they can) that your question reflects a view of love that is completely foreign to the majority of people who have responded -- that the ability or need to "rank" love is antithetical to what love is for them.

The fact that you said your DH is the head of your household really pops out to me. That characterization really put the other posts in perspective. There is no "head of household" in our family. DH and I are equal partners. There is no rank between us. The love between us is between two equals. The love between us and our children is asymmetrical. These two things can't be compared.

Now I know lots of people IRL who do love their children more (or their spouse more), so I'm not saying it's not possible. In just about every case one partner either got married in order to have a family. For them, having children was the primary focus from the beginning. They weren't looking for intense romantic love so much as someone they thought would be a good father/mother. On the flip side, I know people who agreed to have children so that they could be married to someone they loved deeply. They didn't not want children, but the decision was driven by their partner, not them.

For me, finding a partner I was madly in love with came first. If I didn't find someone I didn't think my life would be more fulfilling with than without, I had no plans to marry. The decision to have children was second to the first. Since I didn't "need" to have children, the decision to have them was just as deliberate as the first. We did not have kids until we really wanted them.

Both loves are intense. Both are different. Asking me to compare them shows a disconnect in what I experience as love. I am not capable of answering your question, nor would I want to be in relationships where it is possible.

Tiger

 

[SaraJayne]

This is a complete misrepresentation of this thread. Most everyone in it seems to be saying (as politely as they can) that your question reflects a view of love that is completely foreign to the majority of people who have responded -- that the ability or need to "rank" love is antithetical to what love is for them.

The fact that you said your DH is the head of your household really pops out to me. That characterization really put the other posts in perspective. There is no "head of household" in our family. DH and I are equal partners. There is no rank between us. The love between us is between two equals. The love between us and our children is asymmetrical. These two things can't be compared.

Now I know lots of people IRL who do love their children more (or their spouse more), so I'm not saying it's not possible. In just about every case one partner either got married in order to have a family. For them, having children was the primary focus from the beginning. They weren't looking for intense romantic love so much as someone they thought would be a good father/mother. On the flip side, I know people who agreed to have children so that they could be married to someone they loved deeply. They didn't not want children, but the decision was driven by their partner, not them.

For me, finding a partner I was madly in love with came first. If I didn't find someone I didn't think my life would be more fulfilling with than without, I had no plans to marry. The decision to have children was second to the first. Since I didn't "need" to have children, the decision to have them was just as deliberate as the first. We did not have kids until we really wanted them.

Both loves are intense. Both are different. Asking me to compare them shows a disconnect in what I experience as love. I am not capable of answering your question, nor would I want to be in relationships where it is possible.

 

[kmedina]

This is a complete misrepresentation of this thread. Most everyone in it seems to be saying (as politely as they can) that your question reflects a view of love that is completely foreign to the majority of people who have responded -- that the ability or need to "rank" love is antithetical to what love is for them.

The fact that you said your DH is the head of your household really pops out to me. That characterization really put the other posts in perspective. There is no "head of household" in our family. DH and I are equal partners. There is no rank between us. The love between us is between two equals. The love between us and our children is asymmetrical. These two things can't be compared.

Now I know lots of people IRL who do love their children more (or their spouse more), so I'm not saying it's not possible. In just about every case one partner either got married in order to have a family. For them, having children was the primary focus from the beginning. They weren't looking for intense romantic love so much as someone they thought would be a good father/mother. On the flip side, I know people who agreed to have children so that they could be married to someone they loved deeply. They didn't not want children, but the decision was driven by their partner, not them.

For me, finding a partner I was madly in love with came first. If I didn't find someone I didn't think my life would be more fulfilling with than without, I had no plans to marry. The decision to have children was second to the first. Since I didn't "need" to have children, the decision to have them was just as deliberate as the first. We did not have kids until we really wanted them.

Both loves are intense. Both are different. Asking me to compare them shows a disconnect in what I experience as love. I am not capable of answering your question, nor would I want to be in relationships where it is possible.

I do not see how it is a misrepresentation of the thread. In the first post, I asked a direct question do you love your children more than your spouse to see if I was abnormal as DH claimed. The thread is titled can love be equal, but that was never the question I asked within the post (but rather a way to entice the debate). At that point, I did not know I would turn this into a study. My husband (who is very into stats) said the responses from random people would not be relevant unless there was a large enough sample size after the thread was already moving. I have not conducted a study since college. Since I am not a professional, I may not be conducting it properly. He will be sure to let me know (if I get statisical significance). For the purpose of the study, I am treating it like a mathematical comparison. In math, there are only three possible results when using comparison (more, less or equal). Anything that does not fall into one of those categories (thus not answering the question) cannot be used. That does not mean I do not appreciate the other responses and never said I did not. I even loved the maternal love vs romantic love suggestion someone came up with, but those responses do not fit into the study. You are right that everyone has been polite, and I really do appreciate that. I have seen many threads get ugly and hope this one stays nice and rational without unpleasantries.

My DH is definitely the head of our household. While I do not see why that is relevant to why I love my kids more and he loves us all the same, I have no shame in admitting it. I do not think I would love DH as much as my kids even if I was the head of our household. We discuss our issues (never in front of the kids). Since many of our values are similar, we agree on the major issues quite often. When we disagree, someone has to make a call (in our family that is him). I am not always happy with the decision (there is one major one right now I am hoping he will change his mind on). That does not mean he does not listen to me, because he does and I always have a lot to say. He even comes around to my view at times too. On minor issues, the parent with the kid makes the call (which is usually me since DH works a lot). Being able to quantify things, I do not think partners can ever truly be equal (I know you and others disagree). Yes, there is some negotiation and compromise. Ultimately, there is one person who is getting his/her way more. I would have to take a deeper look to see who I think the actual alpha dog is. My sister claims she and her husband are equals, but I see her as the alpha. She over rules him a lot (especially when it comes to their kids). A relationship with two (true) alphas is not likely to make it in my opinion. Someone has to back off in a disagreement. Compromise can only get you so far. There are always points of contention to every relationship, so I do not believe people who claim they never disagree or that they both win the argument.

I do not know what IRL means. Is it in a relationship? It is never a good reason to marry someone (or stay married to someone) unless you love them. We agree that you should not marry for kids or reluctantly have kids to stay with the one you love. That is a recipe for disaster. The kids will see right through those issues.

Love should always come first. My DH who is my first and only love (been together since I was 16) discussed our wants and desires before our relationship got too serious. I did not want to fall for someone before I knew we were compatible and knew before I loved him that we wanted the same main things in life. If we did not want similar things out of life, we would have seprated before we fell in love and been none the wiser. Luckily, we wanted the same things, because I love him dearly to this day. I still love my kids more, but that does not mean I do not utterly love him more with each passing day. A friend of mine waited until after he fell in love only to find out she did not want kids. It was a deal breaker for him not to have kids, but he loved her. They stayed together for years after that, and finally one day, he decided he needed to be a Dad and let her go. Not good for either party. If you decided one day you wanted kids only to find out he did not, you might feel differently now. I am really glad it worked out (love before life goal discussions) with you and your husband.

I respect your decision that you cannot compare the loves or I would not have taken the time to respond (although I cannot use it in my study). As politically correct as it is to refuse to answer, I understand that some people simply cannot.

 

[Tiger926]

I do not see how it is a misrepresentation of the thread. In the first post, I asked a direct question do you love your children more than your spouse to see if I was abnormal as DH claimed. The thread is titled can love be equal, but that was never the question I asked within the post (but rather a way to entice the debate). At that point, I did not know I would turn this into a study. My husband (who is very into stats) said the responses from random people would not be relevant unless there was a large enough sample size after the thread was already moving. I have not conducted a study since college. Since I am not a professional, I may not be conducting it properly. He will be sure to let me know (if I get statisical significance). For the purpose of the study, I am treating it like a mathematical comparison. In math, there are only three possible results when using comparison (more, less or equal). Anything that does not fall into one of those categories (thus not answering the question) cannot be used. That does not mean I do not appreciate the other responses and never said I did not. I even loved the maternal love vs romantic love suggestion someone came up with, but those responses do not fit into the study. You are right that everyone has been polite, and I really do appreciate that. I have seen many threads get ugly and hope this one stays nice and rational without unpleasantries.

My DH is definitely the head of our household. While I do not see why that is relevant to why I love my kids more and he loves us all the same, I have no shame in admitting it. I do not think I would love DH as much as my kids even if I was the head of our household. We discuss our issues (never in front of the kids). Since many of our values are similar, we agree on the major issues quite often. When we disagree, someone has to make a call (in our family that is him). I am not always happy with the decision (there is one major one right now I am hoping he will change his mind on). That does not mean he does not listen to me, because he does and I always have a lot to say. He even comes around to my view at times too. On minor issues, the parent with the kid makes the call (which is usually me since DH works a lot). Being able to quantify things, I do not think partners can ever truly be equal (I know you and others disagree). Yes, there is some negotiation and compromise. Ultimately, there is one person who is getting his/her way more. I would have to take a deeper look to see who I think the actual alpha dog is. My sister claims she and her husband are equals, but I see her as the alpha. She over rules him a lot (especially when it comes to their kids). A relationship with two (true) alphas is not likely to make it in my opinion. Someone has to back off in a disagreement. Compromise can only get you so far. There are always points of contention to every relationship, so I do not believe people who claim they never disagree or that they both win the argument.

I do not know what IRL means. Is it in a relationship? It is never a good reason to marry someone (or stay married to someone) unless you love them. We agree that you should not marry for kids or reluctantly have kids to stay with the one you love. That is a recipe for disaster. The kids will see right through those issues.

Love should always come first. My DH who is my first and only love (been together since I was 16) discussed our wants and desires before our relationship got too serious. I did not want to fall for someone before I knew we were compatible and knew before I loved him that we wanted the same main things in life. If we did not want similar things out of life, we would have seprated before we fell in love and been none the wiser. Luckily, we wanted the same things, because I love him dearly to this day. I still love my kids more, but that does not mean I do not utterly love him more with each passing day. A friend of mine waited until after he fell in love only to find out she did not want kids. It was a deal breaker for him not to have kids, but he loved her. They stayed together for years after that, and finally one day, he decided he needed to be a Dad and let her go. Not good for either party. If you decided one day you wanted kids only to find out he did not, you might feel differently now. I am really glad it worked out (love before life goal discussions) with you and your husband.

I respect your decision that you cannot compare the loves or I would not have taken the time to respond (although I cannot use it in my study). As politically correct as it is to refuse to answer, I understand that some people simply cannot.

Thank you for your very honest post. I will not comment on personal items such as who is head of the household, as that is between your hubby and yourself.

You do realize though that you have skewed the study, right? Most of us have said that we can't answer the question, and that is the majority answer. By not including a category for our answer, which you had to have known was going to be a valid response, you have manipulated your study. By only counting the answers that you have decided should be there, and discluding the majority answer, your study is not really valid, IMHO.

Once you tell DH that you got a certain number of responses, but are only including a few of them, your results are not accurate. Your percentage is not going to be valid, as it's not a true representation of the study...it's only a represenation of the pre-determined answers that you decided were the only ones that would be accepted as valid.

It has been a very interesting thread, so thanks for posting.

Tiger

 

[LisaR]

When I was pregnant with DD some 16+ years ago, DH and I were thumbing through a magazine in the OB/GYN waiting room. We came across the results of a survey that was done.

The question was:
If you were involved in a major traffic accident with your spouse and child in the car and you could only realistically save one, whom would you save?

Obviously you would have to set aside logical responses like who was easiest to reach or free.

Of the men surveyed, 95% said they would save their spouse.

Of the women surveyed, 95% said they would save their child.

 

[Liberty Belle]

When I was pregnant with DD some 16+ years ago, DH and I were thumbing through a magazine in the OB/GYN waiting room. We came across the results of a survey that was done.

The question was:
If you were involved in a major traffic accident with your spouse and child in the car and you could only realistically save one, whom would you save?

Obviously you would have to set aside logical responses like who was easiest to reach or free.

Of the men surveyed, 95% said they would save their spouse.

Of the women surveyed, 95% said they would save their child.

That's very interesting. I'm certain my husband would save either of our children over me. I'm sure he'd be heartbroken, of course, but the children have their whole lives in front of them.

 

[Scurvy]

Add me to the list of people who feel that the love for a spouse is simply too different from the love for a child to compare or quantify the two. However, I already know that if forced to make the choice both my husband and I would choose to save our child rather than each other. I know this because I have a health issue that necessitated that sort of conversation when I was pregnant. We both feel that it is our responsibility as parents to protect our child at all costs. Neither one of us could live with the knowledge that our survival might have cost our child his life.

I also agree with Tiger926 that a real study can not be considered valid if you simply disregard any answers that don't match up with what you wanted to hear, especially when those answers make up the majority of the responses. In an actual study, the researcher would have to accept that their expectation about the outcome of the study was incorrect. They would have to acknowledge that there was a third possible answer that the researcher had not previously considered.

I do not know what IRL means. Is it in a relationship?

It means "In Real Life" (as opposed to on the internet).

 

[bellebud]

I love my family. I don't think of it as a more/less thing or even an equal thing. Just that I love my family dearly and they are all important to me. That being said, I realize that my kids are more vulnerable than my DH, so I'm more protective of them, but that doesn't mean I love them more. If I had to choose my DH or my child in a life or death situation, I'd choose my child first, not because I love him more, but because that's how DH would want it. I'd feel the same way if DH would have to choose between me and our child.

this is it. we have to care for our children. they are given to us to raise. we don't have to care for our dh's. they're adults who are fully capable of caring for themselves. same for us. and if my dh had to choose to save me or one of our kids, I'd kill him if he saved me instead of one of our kids.

Our kids lives, to most parents, are more important than our own lives. With a spouse, most people tend to not even think of it in that way, because we're equals, whereas we're not equals with our children.

so while I'd never answer I love my kids "more", I'd answer I love them differently. I feel it's instinctual to put our children's lives before our own, but not so w/ another fully capable adult.

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

I remember when I was young my mom said something (to a friend) like "My husband comes first, not my kids". That was kind of devastating to hear as a child, and to this day I completely disagree with it. Funnily enough, they ended up separating for a few months.

That is sad. My mom has drilled it into our heads that children should come first. I lived by this with my marriage and my marriage failed - for many reasons. But now my view has slightly changed. I think the marriage is the foundation of a family and needs to be nurtured. Obviously, I don't want to take away from DD to give to someone else.. as in food/material things.. but I do believe a marriage is the foundation.

 

[lichee22]

i enjoy reading all of your perspectives.

 

[DVCJones]

I can honestly say that I love my children more than my DH. I do love my DH. However, if I imagine something happening to my DH and he died, I would be sad and it would take a long time for me to recover from that kind of loss. BUT, if something happened to one of my children, I am sure I could never recover from that kind of loss. Just pack me up and ship me to the nearest psych hospital...

 

[StitchBuddy]

My husband and I have had this discussion. I told him you can't compare the two, because they are totally different types of love. But, we both agreed that I probably love our daughter more than he does, no that he doesn't love her with all his heart, HE DOES, but that mothers just seem to have a different bond with children. Maybe it is because we carry them for 9 months, they seem to be more a part or extention of ourselves. That was how we felt about it. I will say I think I love my DD more and more deeply than I have loved person.