boyfriends/girlfriends sleeping over each others house

[Janepod]

Well, I wouldn't be crazy about it, but to forbid it would be a bit like locking the barn door after the horse is gone.

I do think you should sit down and have a real talk with him about your feelings about the situation (not just prom night, but sex in general) but ultimately let him go. (And "let" is not quite the right word - the kid is 18, after all.)

 

[sookie]

Real life scenario: Let him go. You can't stop him and he has been having sex anyway. Give him condoms and "the talk", let him know you disapprove, but know he is going to do it one way or another. Tell him that the girl needs to be on birth control too if they are going to be having sex or it is otherwise unacceptable.


Wishful mom scenario: Call the girlfriend's mom and ask her if her DD is on birth control. Let her know that the invitation has forced you into a situation where you have to worry about any "baby making" happening on prom weekend. Make sure she knows that they are doing the dirty. Tell her that she needs to make sure that her DD is on a reliable form of birth control like an IUD or depo-prova before they go. I'm sure that will go over like a box of rocks in the ocean. Haha!

 

[LisaR]

Well, he is 18. Not really someone you can give rules to anymore. He's old enough to drive, vote, enter the military, drop out of school, get a full time job, rent his own place, etc.

I hate when people don't read past the first few posts, but I had to comment on this. He may be able to do all of the things you mentioned, but he isn't! He still lives at home, he isn't in the military, he doesn't have a full time job, etc. He lives at home under his mom's roof and rules and is in high school. I hate when people say what an 18 y/o can do, but most aren't doing any of those things!

Having said all that, I honestly can't imagine forbidding him to go. What would be the point? He is going to continue to have sex with or without this weekend away.

 

[NoSoup4U]

He's 18. You don't have a say. And for the poster who thinks if she's paying for college she gets to decide....what if the roles were reversed? Something happened and he was supporting you (paying the nursing home bills? Helping you out?)....does he suddenly get a say in your sex life? Didn't think so...it's just as silly an idea.

Um, you have no control if your 18 year old son has sex, it isn't any of your business. It doesn't matter if they live at home or not. Time to learn boundaries and how parent and child dynamics change as the child becomes an adult.

I agree with the above 100%!! OP, he is an adult now. You cannot control when or how often he has sex. He will do it with or without your consent! Its his prom. Plus her mom will be there for crying out loud!! I'd let him go. What point are you trying to make but not allowing him to go? You really think you're keeping him safe, sexually, by not allowed him to go?

 

[brockash]

hello everyone, i would like some other opinions...

my son is 18 and going to prom this coming friday with his g/f of a little over a year. her mother wants him to go with them to their shore house after the prom and stay the weekend there. she will be there to supervise.

i know they are having sex, and i am not ok with it, although her mother is. she said they will not be sleeping in the same room at the shore. truthfully i dont have any faith in that happening.

i believe that if i say ok to him going just because it is prom they will expect it to be ok any other time.

his father (my ex) seems to think he should be able to go. i dont think he realizes our daughter may ask the same question when it is her turn for prom....

her mother is really badgering me about this and will not let up.

opinions, thoughts or comments?

If they've been together for over a year and her mom is going, yes I'd let them go. I'd be sure to continue to have the conversations about having safe sex etc., but face it, he's an adult, he can do what he wants. You already know they're having sex, and although you may not approve, honestly it's really not your choice to make. I would just keep stressing the importance of being responsible etc. At 18 I'd "let" either my son or daughter go in this situation, and I'm a pretty "controllingish" want to make sure nothing bad happens etc. parent. Like I said, he's 18, it's just not really your choice anymore, and I think it'd really do good if you were to discuss it with your ds, explain the importance of being responsible etc., and leave it up to him. Good luck.

 

[lizzi6692]

You can't compare the two. They are totally different.

How exactly are they different? In each case one adult is supporting another adult who has the legal right to do what they please. Being a parent doesn't change that even though I'm sure many parents wish it did.

 

[Colleen27]

He's 18 and (I'm assuming) just weeks away from high school graduation. He's in a long term relationship that you know is sexual. What are you hoping to accomplish by prohibiting him from going away with his gf and her mom?

Have a talk with him about safe sex, and about the potential consequences of underage drinking or any other partying that might go on. And then trust him to exercise good judgment even if he isn't making the choices you want him to make.

 

[ironpig70]

Personally I would hand him a jumbo pack of protection and let him go.

You are not going to stop him or it happening.

I was a teenager once and the more my dad said no the more I wanted to do it.

 

[runsandjumps]

He is an adult.

 

[LittleMissMagic]

Usually the girlfriend's mom is the more protective one.

You know they're already having sex? Why are you so sure of that? Honestly, they're going to have sex whether you let him go to their lake house or not. It's his prom night - let him go have fun. He'll be off at college in a few months, anyway, and for all you know they'll be spending the night together all of the time then.

Boy/girl sleepovers were somewhat common back when I was in high school, but we'd never share beds (at least not planned). The boys would have a room and the girls would have a room. So you might request that your son go, but he can sleep on the couch. (Whether or not he actually does it - who knows? But it will give you peace of mind.)

But sit him down and give him the sex talk. Even if you have already. It's your right as a parent to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. You can't control whether or not your son has sex, but you can encourage him to use protection (go ahead and buy the condoms) and not do it until he knows the time is right.

 

[Planogirl]

I would let him go.

To those who say that he is still dependent and therefore still a child, that might be so but at some point it becomes time to loosen the strings a bit. I think that it's better to allow that freedom gradually than all at once when they leave home.

 

[AntePrincess]

But sit him down and give him the sex talk. Even if you have already. It's your right as a parent to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. You can't control whether or not your son has sex, but you can encourage him to use protection (go ahead and buy the condoms) and not do it until he knows the time is right.

Oh, go ahead and give him a complex! Maybe pull out a children's book explaining the birds and the bees and make him sit next to you while you bawl your eyes out reading it to him?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think I'd be pretty relieved he was going to be safe with his gf's family on prom night, rather than somewhere less safe.

If I was told the parents were going to have them sleep in separate rooms, I'd believe them and assume they know it's important to me. But I'd also know that, even so, sex could occur, but that would be something I would have discussed long before now with my son. (Of course, I'd reiterate.) But really, that aspect of their lives, at this point, is pretty much beyond your control if they're having sex regularly anyway.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I think I'd be pretty relieved he was going to be safe with his gf's family on prom night, rather than somewhere less safe.

Agree. The after parties can be just as risky and have as bad of a long term effect on a teenagers life as premarital sex.

 

[cntrygal]

How old is the girlfriend? Is she 18 or 16?

 

[mamacatnv]

I dealt with a similar situation when DS was 18 and a high school Sr. I knew he was having sex with his GF, they told me. I was not happy about it because I didn't like the GF but I was not naive enough to think I could stop it.

We had a younger sib at home and DS knew this type of thing would not fly with us at our home but we also knew that when he was with GF at her Mother's house (divorced parents, shared custody) her Mother had no issue with them sleeping together. He spent weekends with her at her Mothers house. I spent a lot of time discussing safe sex.

I'd let him go, you can't stop the behavior but you can remind DS of his responsibilities to protect himself from an unwanted pregnancy

 

[The Mystery Machine]

hello everyone, i would like some other opinions...

my son is 18 and going to prom this coming friday with his g/f of a little over a year. her mother wants him to go with them to their shore house after the prom and stay the weekend there. she will be there to supervise.

i know they are having sex, and i am not ok with it, although her mother is. she said they will not be sleeping in the same room at the shore. truthfully i dont have any faith in that happening.

i believe that if i say ok to him going just because it is prom they will expect it to be ok any other time.

his father (my ex) seems to think he should be able to go. i dont think he realizes our daughter may ask the same question when it is her turn for prom....

her mother is really badgering me about this and will not let up.

opinions, thoughts or comments?

Well, it is one of those things. Kids grow up.

Since this is a long term GF, I say yes.

 

[MrsDuck]

He's 18, you know he's having sex. Just let him go. Of course you're not okay with him having sex (what parent is super gung-ho about that?) but as PPs have suggested, what is the sense in not letting him go? They're in a long term relationship and her mom will be there. Preventing him from going sounds like you're personally cooking up a side of resentment on his behalf.

Ditto the others who have said drunk driving is more of a concern than sex in my book.

 

[Poohforyou]

I would let him go.

To those who say that he is still dependent and therefore still a child, that might be so but at some point it becomes time to loosen the strings a bit. I think that it's better to allow that freedom gradually than all at once when they leave home.

I agree with you about loosening the strings. That's something that should be happening starting in middle school, if not before. My issue is with people who say once the kid turns 18 that's the end of parent involvement. Maybe in their homes that's true. However, in mine, as long as we're supporting our child we will have a say in what she does. I would expect her to ask if she could go to her boyfriend's beach house. I would expect us to have a discussion about it. I wouldn't tolerate her simplying saying she's going and that's that.

As for the parent in the nursing home analogy, I think if a child is supporting a parent than the child should have some say in what the parent is doing. It isn't simply the sex aspect. Someone who wants to have sex will find a way no matter how difficult the circumstances.

 

[Mazel]

He's 18, he's an adult. You have to let go sometime. My son was 18 living at home and had a job. Our rule was we just wanted to know where you were going and when you thought you might be home. He went away on weekends with friends.

His one buddy who was older than him, would have to lie to his Mommy about what he was doing, she thought she had such a tight hold on him. He no longer talks to his parents, but we see him all the time. I do let her know he's okay. You've got to let them go and grow up. Her parents are going to be there. You can't stop the inevitable.