Boundaries

[DonaldnDaisy5]

Tell me how do you set boundaries how do you react when boundaries have been crossed?

 

[Dan Murphy]

Tell me how do you set boundaries how do you react when boundaries have been crossed?

Boundaries? Boundaries in reference to what?

 

[John VN]

Boundaries? Boundaries in reference to what?

Boundaries? What Boundaries??? I don't need no stink'n Boundaries

 

[Jangles]

It sounds like a bad interview question.

 

[DonaldnDaisy5]

Lol it does! For my current situation - family

 

[AgentMama]

Not sure what boundaries of yours are being crossed, or what you've tried in your responses. For repeat offenders in my life, my preference is to eliminate the opportunity to cross the boundaries I've set. That sometimes has involved going no contact, both temporarily, and in one case (so far), permanently.

Good luck in however you choose to handle your situation.

 

[mousefan73]

It sounds like a bad interview question.

OMG yes!

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I wish I knew the answer to this question. My solution has always been just trying to distance myself from the offender, or just being mad and putting up with it.

 

[ronandannette]

Well, my best tip about boundaries is set them extremely carefully. There's no use if you're not prepared to hold them and that's way easier said than done. And if you do set a boundary with a person/people, then continuously take no action when their conduct towards you doesn't change, you're no longer really a victim.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

The reaction depends on what boundary was crossed.

For things like a topic that is considered no no what seems to work for me is diverting the topic to something else or in the case of some things "we're not going to talk about this" and keep saying that.

For things like behaviors distancing can work and sometimes like a PP said that means no contact short-term or permanent.

It probably would help if there was more information given especially if the persons are family as that can change the advice given. Things like distancing can be hard if for instance you live with said family or you're having frequent contact by necessity, etc.

 

[WDWEPCOT]

If your having to enforce one your dealing with a toxic person - you need to be prepared to enforce it nonstop
Per my counseling 3 things you can do when it does not work :
Accept the behavior
Both parties work to change it
Exit yourself out of it
I’ve found it’s usually the last option - I should not have to tell grown adults basic boundaries when I do there’s a huge problem I don’t and should not have to be dealing with
I’m speaking as someone who has several family members with mental illness - I’m no expert but I’ve dealt with this a lot and had decades if counseling because of these immediate family members
I’m very sorry you are dealing with this and I wish you the very best and peace ! I hope you find a resolution that works for you - please remember it needs to be what works for you !

 

[dvcgirl67]

The reaction depends on what boundary was crossed.

For things like a topic that is considered no no what seems to work for me is diverting the topic to something else or in the case of some things "we're not going to talk about this" and keep saying that.

For things like behaviors distancing can work and sometimes like a PP said that means no contact short-term or permanent.

It probably would help if there was more information given especially if the persons are family as that can change the advice given. Things like distancing can be hard if for instance you live with said family or you're having frequent contact by necessity, etc.

Mackenzie....I completely agree with you on this one . More information would be helpful in order to answer the question.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Mackenzie....I completely agree with you on this one . More information would be helpful in order to answer the question.

lol I see what you did there

 

[Jangles]

Three strikes and out seems like a sensible rule.

 

[Travel60]

Early in marriage my FIL liked to take pictures, usually not posed (mouth open, eating, eyes closed) , or often from the back. I'm picky about pictures, not real photogenic and don't like unposed pictures. After asking nicely a few times not to take pictures of me, I finally pulled him aside and said quietly "if you take one more picture of me without my permission, I will take that camera off your neck and stomp it to pieces. If you don't believe me, just do it." He never took another picture of me.

I think you have to be firm and clear with expectations and be ready for whatever you say will be the consequence. Not let overbearing mom or dad see grandkids..... "Sorry but I told you." Not let neighbors swim in your pool when you are not there.... Change the lock, put in an alarm. Not get roped into tons of extra work with no reward.... "Sorry, I have a commitment tonight."

 

[nw6675]

Also remember you can only change YOU. So accept it, walk away, or find a way to deal with it yourself. You won't convince or change anyone else's behaviors, particularly if they aren't already on the same page...or even in the same book.

 

[Christine]

Well, OP, not sure exactly what you're talking about and some specifics would help, but it's rare that I ever feel like anyone is overstepping on me. Maybe I have a considerate family and friend network but I doubt I'm that lucky. I chalk it up to being able to absolutely tell someone "NO" with no qualms. I'm not overly concerned if someone gets upset with me, I don't care if I'm "popular", and I just don't have made it clear as nicely as I can that I won't do things I don't want to do or allow people to walk all over me.

I wasn't always like this--much more of a pushover in my 20s, but I came around quick and just kind of grew a fairly strong spine. But yeah, I'm not always the most popular of the group because of it, lol!

 

[tcufrog]

I've unfortunately had too much experience with having to set boundaries with family. Here's a straightforward process for setting boundaries using an example from my life.

1. Clearly figure out what the concrete problem is and who is causing it. "Melba is annoying" is too wishy-washy. You have to clearly figure out something concrete that Melba does that's annoying that you wish to not deal with anymore. In my case, it was my mom complaining all the time about my dad on the phone.

2. Decide what the clear and unambiguous consequence is. Mine was that I would hang up on my mom if she complained about my dad.

3. Decide if it makes sense to warn the person about the consequence. In some cases, it's not safe to warn the person, or would cause more problems than it solves. In my case, I decided to tell my mom that if she complained about my dad on the phone again I'd immediately hang up. When I decided not to invite my aunt over to my home anymore because of her horrible guest behavior, I didn't tell my aunt because having a conversation with her about it would have led to unnecessary drama. I instead, found ways not to invite her over such as meeting her somewhere instead.

4. Follow through with the consequence without discussion or apology every time. This is the hardest part because a lot of people don't want to appear mean or feel guilty. If you do those things the person who the boundary is meant for will start dismantling the boundary piece by piece, undoing all of your hard work and putting you in a weaker position than before because now you have shown that person that you're a pushover. Remember: "No" is a complete sentence.

5. Be prepared for pushback but stand firm. My mom was very upset when I told her my boundary and tried to make me feel guilty and got mad at me. It was hard sometimes but I stood firm. When I decided to ban my aunt from my house my parents found out when Thanksgiving rolled around and my aunt wasn't invited. I have the only home suitable for hosting holiday meals. They were very upset and told me many times that I couldn't not invite her because she's family and you don't reject blood. I replied that I couldn't deal with her awful behavior in my home anymore and that they were welcome to find an alternate location. When they realized that I wasn't budging they finally dropped it.

6. Be willing to live with whatever consequences occur even if you don't like them. It worked out with my mom because my mom finally gave in. She's a talker so she didn't want to stop talking to me on the phone. With some parents, it could have ended up with the parent distancing themself from their child.

I hope this helps.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Well, OP, not sure exactly what you're talking about and some specifics would help, but it's rare that I ever feel like anyone is overstepping on me. Maybe I have a considerate family and friend network but I doubt I'm that lucky. I chalk it up to being able to absolutely tell someone "NO" with no qualms. I'm not overly concerned if someone gets upset with me, I don't care if I'm "popular", and I just don't have made it clear as nicely as I can that I won't do things I don't want to do or allow people to walk all over me.

I wasn't always like this--much more of a pushover in my 20s, but I came around quick and just kind of grew a fairly strong spine. But yeah, I'm not always the most popular of the group because of it, lol!

I think this is great advice if you're talking about a social circle type situation, like coworkers or just friends. It's not exactly the same when you're talking about family. Generally you're not concerned about being the popular or most liked in that situation.

 

[tvguy]

I think some of us need more information that just "family" in regards to boundaries.