Best friend vs boyfriend

[Princesspolly0110]

okay yall. I have a somewhat personal issue I have to have some guidance on so hopefully you all can helping me out!

I met one of my best friends through work a couple of years ago, and we were instantly family. She has 3 children that I have become very close to and they even have referred to me as "aunt ___" for some time now

Back in December my friend (we will call her A, to protect her identity) told me that she had started causally seeing one of our friends that had previously been interested me. No big deal, there was no interest in my end. A month later, they officially got into a relationship. Since there gradually, the boyfriend has almost made it almost impossible for us to have a relationship. He has told me I have no place in helping with her children( I regularly keep a kid and run them to after school activities to spend time with them or to just simply have quality time with them) and tells me that her attention is to be on him and her children at all times. Last week there was a bad storm here and in the middle of the night she asked me to come and stay at the house knowing that I was scared to death. I live just across our small town highway. I used my phone flashlight to use the bathroom of their jack and Jill suite and the next morning, A asked me to please call and apologize to him for disrupting him while he slept by using the bathroom. I do not agree that anyone should have to apologize for using the bathroom and especially because it is her home and she invited me in.

I'm not sure I should push the issue with her because she believes they are meant to be and planning a life together, while I'm concerned over the issues with truth and control. Anyone have any advice? Thanks!

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

Sometimes you gotta let people make stupid mistakes in order for them to learn. I think you describe a situation where I'd do exactly that.

 

[Christine]

Actually, he sounds like he's in the beginning stages of abuse.

I would probably talk to my friend and say:

Hey, I have no issues with your new relationship and understand that you and him will want to spend a lot of time together; however, a few things he has said to me have hit me odd and I want to tell you what he said. Then repeat those things above. Continue on and say "I'm not asking you to make a choice or to even do anything, but I wanted you to be aware that boyfriend is trying to actively cut be out of your life. I'm here for you and will be in or out of your life as you see fit."

 

[lizabu]

He's a control freak. I would just be honest and tell her what he said and back away and let her decide what she wants to do. If she keeps calling you and asking you to come over...I would and next time he says something to you tell him he needs to talk to her and not you.

 

[HM]

Gosh, yes, sounds like red flags flying over there.
I hope you do let your friend know he's trying to cut you out of her life.
Keep including her in yours as best you can.

 

[Princesspolly0110]

Okay it sounds like I'm not being crazy then... I have talked to her and A has just been flighty about the situation. I have even tried to talk to him and he hasn't responded. Ugh this just isn't cool at all.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I'd bet money this relationship will turn abusive. Express your concerns, let her know she can always come to you if she needs to, and then back off and let her make her own choices. You'll have said your piece. Maintain a relationship with her to whatever extent you're able, but know that he may succeed in ending things between you two. Be there to help pick up the pieces when it all falls apart.

 

[Princesspolly0110]

I'm not sure if she sees it or not. I think she's so in love that she can't. I'm worried when things come into focus for her what she will think.

 

[sharona]

Gosh, yes, sounds like red flags flying over there.
I hope you do let your friend know he's trying to cut you out of her life.
Keep including her in yours as best you can.

This! If he's as controlling and insecure as your post makes him seem, your friend will need a good support system. Don't back too far away, that's what he wants, to isolate her.

 

[Wishing on a star]

She is choosing to be in a toxic relationship with a controlling, abusive, man.
Actually sounds like this could become physical control and abuse.
Seriously.
And, there are children involved.

The thing is, you can't change that...
You can't 'TELL' her.

You know the old adage... Don't like the message, hate the messenger.

And, think twice or three times before thinking you want to be anywhere near 'the middle' here.

While I know this must be very, very, hard for you to see her do this, and to foresake your friendship.
I am afraid that that there is really nothing that you can do.

Just tell you that you love her, that you will always, always, be there for her, and kind of back off.

You can't force somebody to make the right decisions.

And, just a note here, just in case...
If things in this relationship do take a violent turn, be ready to intervene and involve any authorities for the children's well being.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I'm not sure if she sees it or not. I think she's so in love that she can't. I'm worried when things come into focus for her what she will think.

OP, based on what you have given us, (The fact that they have been together all of this year... the level of control he is already showing, even to you...) You said that she 'thinks they are meant to be. I think that you should be aware that there is a good chance that things will not come into focus.

There is always the wishful thinking, 'If only they could/would see'.
Unfortunately, 90% of the cases (if not 99.999%), they can't, or don't want to see.

A woman has some deeper personal issues to involve herself and commit herself to a man such as this one.

 

[littlejimmy]

if you talked to her and she chooses to not see it, I would just say, hey, your boy wants me to back off and I will. I am here if you need me, but I choose not to be put in situations that make me uncomfortable. good luck. and go find another friend. you don't need the grief.

 

[MrsDuck]

I'd stay the heck away. He sounds abusive...

 

[TAX GUY]

All these replies about how this guy is clearly abusive.....based on one story from one side of a three sided story?

 

[TAX GUY]

okay yall. I have a somewhat personal issue I have to have some guidance on so hopefully you all can helping me out!

I met one of my best friends through work a couple of years ago, and we were instantly family. She has 3 children that I have become very close to and they even have referred to me as "aunt ___" for some time now

Back in December my friend (we will call her A, to protect her identity) told me that she had started causally seeing one of our friends that had previously been interested me. No big deal, there was no interest in my end. A month later, they officially got into a relationship. Since there gradually, the boyfriend has almost made it almost impossible for us to have a relationship. He has told me I have no place in helping with her children( I regularly keep a kid and run them to after school activities to spend time with them or to just simply have quality time with them) and tells me that her attention is to be on him and her children at all times. Last week there was a bad storm here and in the middle of the night she asked me to come and stay at the house knowing that I was scared to death. I live just across our small town highway. I used my phone flashlight to use the bathroom of their jack and Jill suite and the next morning, A asked me to please call and apologize to him for disrupting him while he slept by using the bathroom. I do not agree that anyone should have to apologize for using the bathroom and especially because it is her home and she invited me in.

I'm not sure I should push the issue with her because she believes they are meant to be and planning a life together, while I'm concerned over the issues with truth and control. Anyone have any advice? Thanks!

What age range are we talking about here (yours, hers and his)?

 

[Christine]

All these replies about how this guy is clearly abusive.....based on one story from one side of a three sided story?

Not different from any other advice thread on the DIS. Yep, we have to go buy what the OP tells us. However, she seems to be quoting his exact remarks and is fairly straightforward. I think it's interesting that unanimously, those remarks are considered "oddball" by everyone so far.

 

[HM]

A good guy doesn't try to cut his girlfriend or wife off from her friends. I dont think the OP made that up.
It's a very well known that abusers separate the one they will abuse from family and friends so that they have no one to run to or complain to. They don't want anyone to see what they are doing. They want total control over the woman eventually. It may be that he won't get abusive, but unlikely.

You know, even if we are wrong, maybe someone in a similar position will read this and be helped.

 

[TAX GUY]

Not different from any other advice thread on the DIS. Yep, we have to go buy what the OP tells us. However, she seems to be quoting his exact remarks and is fairly straightforward. I think it's interesting that unanimously, those remarks are considered "oddball" by everyone so far.

I hear you.


I'm just saying, who knows if "A" didn't tell her BF that friend is overstepping her bounds and taking the kids all the time....and she just doesn't know how to tell her to stop without hurting her feelings?

If this guy really IS controlling and pre-abusive, yes, that would be bad for A. But not knowing all sides of what is going on, to form such a bold opinion about someone based on one side of a multi sided story.....


OP, talk to your friend A. See if maybe it would be a good idea to put a little space between you and her/kids. Not completely gone, but some space.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

We're only hearing one side of this as well. The version of events from the others may be quite different than the OP assumes.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

You know what I would do if my boyfriend complained about a houseguest using the bathroom without even turning the light on, no less? Well, I have no idea honestly, because that scenario is so ridiculous I can't even imagine my boyfriend doing that. It would surely involve some not so family friendly words directed at him, though.

But what did this woman do? She asked her friend to apologize to him. That's telling to me. Surely she doesn't actually agree that her friend did anything wrong by needing to use the bathroom, but she doesn't feel comfortable (or safe) enough with the boyfriend to tell him he's being a jerk. Instead, she's going along with it and asking that the OP apologize hoping that will appease him, doing what she can so that he won't be angry.

Along with the efforts to isolate her from friends, mind games are a classic sign of abuse. The abuser starts laying the groundwork by making the argument that he's right, everyone else is wrong. He's the good guy, they're the bad guys. He's the poor guy who was trying to sleep and had to work the next day, the OP was wrong to use the bathroom and disturb him. These type of good guy/bad guy situations gradually escalate over time until eventually the "good guy" can knock the victim around and she'll still make excuses for him.