BD party vent-was my neighbor out of line?

[mom2rtk]

She wasnt Invited and the op did the right thing by not making a fuss, it was her nebor that is out of line.

I agree that the OP did the right thing and the neighbor was out of line.

I still would not label her "poor thing".

But I think people tend to see these things through the lens of their personal experience with their own history (and that of their children) with bullies.

 

[Kbee]

She wasnt Invited and the op did the right thing by not making a fuss, it was her nebor that is out of line.

No I hope that her label falls off as in she grows up and stops acting like a brat, but then again how is she going to learn to act non-bratty ????

Plus 11 is around the age of social reasoning, she might be delayed because of her home life.

AGE OF REASON AND FRIENDS
The age of reason is also an age of cooperation. Children from 7 to 11 years old move away from pre-school romance and feel the need to define their sexual identity. In fact, during this period, girls and boys play less together in the schoolyard and both groups have distinct activities.

It is also during that period that the child will understand the advantages of playing by the rules, respecting others and cooperating through spontaneous group games and teamwork in the classroom. Friendships are often stormy at that age because children are changing a lot in very little time.


I'm not saying op should have invited her, unless her dd or sister wanted her there.

That is a bunch of meaningless psychobabble. Plenty of kids learn long before 11 how to play by the rules, how to respect others. Some kids are just bullies, and will continue to be bullies, especially if people just tolerate it and continue to give them chance after chance to change. What incentive is there too, she got to go to that party that she wasn't invited. Maybe if she was turned away she'd think twice about her behavior.

 

[lauradis]

That is a bunch of meaningless psychobabble. Plenty of kids learn long before 11 how to play by the rules, how to respect others.

lol the age of is normally from 7-12, to learn social behavior. I find meaningless psychobabble interesting.

I also think adults shouldn't bully children, because they haven't learned to behave. I think they should teach them how to behave instead of just labeling them and pushing them aside.

 

[anniemae]

I think a good way to teach her is that IF she did something out of line, send her home. The whole "you actions have consequences and if you want to stay and have fun, no funny business" thing. It seems she was on good behavior though.

 

[morgan98]

lol the age of is normally from 7-12, to learn social behavior. I find meaningless psychobabble interesting.

I also think adults shouldn't bully children, because they haven't learned to behave. I think they should teach them how to behave instead of just labeling them and pushing them aside.

I get what you are trying to say, really I do. I understand trying to extend an olive branch, so to speak, and giving a person a second chance.

However, I do not see where in this case the adults are "bullying" a child. The OP was trying to have a birthday party for her daughter and the neighbor overstepped her bounds and invited someone the birthday girl does not like and did not invite to her own party.

Sometimes people just don't get along and that is okay. The party was about the birthday girl, not trying to "save" some random bully.

 

[Kbee]

lol the age of is normally from 7-12, to learn social behavior. I find meaningless psychobabble interesting.

I also think adults shouldn't bully children, because they haven't learned to behave. I think they should teach them how to behave instead of just labeling them and pushing them aside.

I guess that is where we differ, on what bullying is. You seem to think when its a kid its just them "being bratty", and you seem to think an adult telling a child they can't stay at birthday party they weren't invited too for a kid that isn't even their friend is bullying. I disagree, sometimes that label is there because its deserved

I find it sad that you seem to be more concerned about teaching a bully how to behave than you are about how those actions may affect your own children. See, by allowing that child to attend a party (or keep giving them chances to play) you are basically telling your children that it doesn't matter that they feel uncomfortable around that person. They have to include someone no matter what. Who cares that they bully you (in the true sense of the word, which is far beyond "bratty behavior") you have to tolerate it, its their feelings that matter, not yours.
I don't believe that, so yes I will push aside a bully for the sake of my own children.

 

[lauradis]

That is a bunch of meaningless psychobabble. Plenty of kids learn long before 11 how to play by the rules, how to respect others. Some kids are just bullies, and will continue to be bullies, especially if people just tolerate it and continue to give them chance after chance to change. What incentive is there too, she got to go to that party that she wasn't invited. Maybe if she was turned away she'd think twice about her behavior.

No where any in post did I say tolerate it.. I keep saying teach and correct the behavior to learn.

You own children will have to learn to deal with bully type of people their whole lives, I would rather have them learn now with me to help guide them, then shelter them from reality.

Look more then likely the 11 showed up at the 5 yo house they where playing before the party, 5 yo was taking about the party, 11 wanted to go.

Adult responsible should have said no sorry you weren't invited, but your more then welcome to come back over at x and x time.

What 11 even if wrong for inviting her self, is going to say no to a birthday party... hello there is cake...

 

[lauradis]

I guess that is where we differ, on what bullying is. You seem to think when its a kid its just them "being bratty", and you seem to think an adult telling a child they can't stay at birthday party they weren't invited too for a kid that isn't even their friend is bullying. I disagree, sometimes that label is there because its deserved

I find it sad that you seem to be more concerned about teaching a bully how to behave than you are about how those actions may affect your own children. See, by allowing that child to attend a party (or keep giving them chances to play) you are basically telling your children that it doesn't matter that they feel uncomfortable around that person. They have to include someone no matter what. Who cares that they bully you (in the true sense of the word, which is far beyond "bratty behavior") you have to tolerate it, its their feelings that matter, not yours.
I don't believe that, so yes I will push aside a bully for the sake of my own children.

Nope just like every mom my child comes first. everyone else second.

Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.

Most of the bullying that adults do is social bullying..

"They have to include someone no matter what" This is what the public school anti- bully programs does preach to the children.

I have never forced my children to play with anyone they don't want too. I do encourage my children to be "social" with everyone, because you never know if you like that person or not till you take the time to actualy know them.

 

[Kbee]

No where any in post did I say tolerate it.. I keep saying teach and correct the behavior to learn.

You own children will have to learn to deal with bully type of people their whole lives, I would rather have them learn now with me to help guide them, then shelter them from reality.

Look more then likely the 11 showed up at the 5 yo house they where playing before the party, 5 yo was taking about the party, 11 wanted to go.

Adult responsible should have said no sorry you weren't invited, but your more then welcome to come back over at x and x time.

What 11 even if wrong for inviting her self, is going to say no to a birthday party... hello there is cake...

Well you and I see things very differently in situations like this. Allowing them to continue to have another chance is tolerating it, and forcing your children to do so also IMO. By showing your children that they matter, you are teaching them that its okay to stand up for themselves when you deal with bullies. You are teaching them that that behavior is unacceptable and it doesn't have to be tolerated, even if there are those who want to guilt you into doing "the right thing". LOL, you aren't sheltering them from reality, you are preparing them for it.

 

[Kbee]

Nope just like every mom my child comes first. everyone else second.

Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.

Most of the bullying that adults do is social bullying..

"They have to include someone no matter what" This is what the public school anti- bully programs does preach to the children.

I have never forced my children to play with anyone they don't want too. I do encourage my children to be "social" with everyone, because you never know if you like that person or not till you take the time to actualy know them. Not just because sue down the street said johnny is a bully.

Thanks for the laugh, excluding a bully from a party because they are a bully is now what, reverse bullyism? I think its clear we feel differently. I know I'm okay with the way I choose to handle those types of kids, as long as you are okay with the way you do, its all good.

 

[mom2rtk]

Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.

It's a birthday party. Is she supposed to invite every child they ever met? The child isn't even in her grade.

 

[lauradis]

It's a birthday party. Is she supposed to invite every child they ever met? The child isn't even in her grade.

Nope once again, The adult nebor is wrong for allowing 11yo to tag alone.

11 yo is wrong for basically inviting her self too.

op is right for being gracious.

Depends I tend to invite all the kids in the neighborhood that my daughter knows, when we have an at home type party. dd doesn't have a problem with it. Heck her list of who she wants to invite is normally longer then mine. lol

Children don't have to be in the same grade to get along. Are all your friends in you same age range? we are talking 9 yo and 11 yo right.

 

[Kbee]

Lauradis- I hope you don't feel as though I'm singling you out. Your posts just really struck a chord with me because I have been though this. I spent years dealing with a neighborhood boy, a true bully. He was lucky in the sense he came from a good home, a family in which at one point we were good friends with.
At one point I realized what I was doing to my own kids by allowing this boy chance after chance, to do the right thing, or keep the peace. Enough was enough for us and since we've stopped all contact with him and his parents, life for my kids at home, and for the one ds in school with the boy has been much better. Your post just really struck me personally, and I guess I'm still a little raw about the situation.

 

[lauradis]

Thanks for the laugh, excluding a bully from a party because they are a bully is now what, reverse bullyism? I think its clear we feel differently. I know I'm okay with the way I choose to handle those types of kids, as long as you are okay with the way you do, its all good.

Its all good. I just wanted to be a brat lol

 

[Hrhpd]

OP, you said this was a neighbor child and they often all play in a group. Did you invite all the neighbor children in this group except this girl?

The neighbor definitely stepped over the line inviting the girl. However, with your previous posts, I wonder if the neighbors are tired of you singling out this girl and trying to tell you something.

Not that it matters. The neighbor was wrong and you have the right to invite anybody or not invite anybody you want to your party.

 

[Disneyland1084]

OP, you said this was a neighbor child and they often all play in a group. Did you invite all the neighbor children in this group except this girl?

The neighbor definitely stepped over the line inviting the girl. However, with your previous posts, I wonder if the neighbors are tired of you singling out this girl and trying to tell you something.

Not that it matters. The neighbor was wrong and you have the right to invite anybody or not invite anybody you want to your party.

Definitely not. Most of the parents of the kids at the party yesterday forbid her to even be around their kid and their home. My DD told me a few weeks ago she did NOT want to invite this bully, and she only invited her class. This bully doesn't live in the neighborhood, and only visits her grandma on the weekends.


And to everyone that's asking me what you do at a Hunger Games party, I really haven't got a clue. All I know is you get in different districts and fight. I never watched the full movie. I couldn't get into it. My mom did all the planning, I just helped with it.

 

[Disneyland1084]

If she was good to everyone today, I'm not quite sure why you're focusing on the fact that she's been mean to everyone in the past. It sounds like she may be working on changing. She's a kid. Kids can change especially with some good influences.

She hasn't changed for as long as I've known her. Just two weeks ago we were at the pool and the bully was there. I noticed one of the kids was upset. He said the bully said he couldn't play with them. I immediately put a stop to that. Just a few months ago, she "played" with gas at a neighbor's house. Yeah, she's a bad influence.

 

[Disneyland1084]

So is the five year old boy friends with the eleven year old girl? Seems like an odd pairing.

He lives next door to the bully's grandma. The bully comes over all the time to play with him. She has repeatedly done bad things, but the boy's mom feels sorry for her. So do I, but the safety of my kids comes first. This boy's mom is very naive.

 

[Disneyland1084]

OP, is this the same "neighbour" you were complaining about in the last thread about this girl? If so, I'd say your problem is definitely with the "neighbour". Maybe you and she are just so far off the same page when it comes to looking at things that you should distance yourself and from her and her family. This bully kid just seems to be the catalyst where friction emerges between the two of you.

Yes, it's the same neighbor. I can go on forever about her. I used to consider her a good friend when she moved here a year ago. But she's a fake person. I saw her true colors. What she did/does is too much to get into on this thread.

 

[Disneylover99]

And to everyone that's asking me what you do at a Hunger Games party, I really haven't got a clue. All I know is you get in different districts and fight. I never watched the full movie. I couldn't get into it. My mom did all the planning, I just helped with it.

I know this is Off Topic, but I'm intrigued. What did the kids do at your daughter's party? Fight?