At what age do you stop taking your adult child on vacation?

[cedricandsophie]

We have two daughters in their 40s, two grandchildren, ages 13 and 18 and an almost 30 year old daughter still at home who has Down syndrome. I have been taking our disabled daughter and grand kids to a dude ranch every year for over 20 years, with the grand kids able to join once they were 5. I'll keep taking them as long as they want to go. Once a year we take everyone on a vacation, usually a cruise. Last year we did the magic through Greek islands and this year we are doing Norway. We also take my disabled daughters best friend with us on most trips and pay all her expenses since her parents could never afford it. Seeing the two of them having fun together and giggling over nothing is the best feeling in the world. We will take everyone on vacations as long as they want to go and we can afford it. Means a lot to us to get everyone together. We also give our kids disney points when they want them or stays at other resorts where we have timeshares. I know we are blessed that we can afford to do all this. And I suppose the kids could take it for granted, but who cares as long as we have good family time.

 

[bigbabyblues]

I didn't go anywhere with my grandparents after I graduated from high school.. They only did 3-4 day trips anyway, but I started working full time the August after high school and started college the following semester while still working 40 hours a week. DH only went wih his parents once after we started dating, he was 19. I remember them going to the beach a year or two after that, but he also worked full time and went to school. They joined us for 3 days of our week long beach trip last summer, but we have never gone on a trip with them (they have offered a couple times in the last ten or so years) even though they would pay.

My oldest is 14, but I would assume he (and younger ds) will be welcome to go with us as long as they want if their schedules allow. I can't imagine telling them they aren't welcome, but I don't know that we will plan around their schedules either.

 

[eliza61]

My DH and I are discussing a November trip to WDW, we have 4 children, ages at the time of trip will be 20, 13, 11 and 9. We have decided to go in November because we really want to see all of the Christmas decorations and this is the first time my DH will be able to get away from work at that time of year. DS 19 will be in school, DH and I kinda assumed that he would not be going with us this year. My DS asked me the other day if we were taking a trip this year and I told him that we were thinking November, I think he assumes that he will be going. I didn't have the heart to tell him that we weren't planning on him going because we figured he'd have school. Also by him not going we will be saving a lot, in airfare, tickets and food. I hate to sound cheap and say we aren't bringing him because of the cost but realistically, it does come into play. We are all going to the Outer Banks this summer so it's not like he will never vacation with us again. DH and I both were talking about it and said that our parents went on vacations all of the time when we were in college but we didn't have younger siblings going with them so it's a little different. So my question is, do we suck it up, allow him to miss school and go with us or do we figure a way to nicely tell him that we weren't planning on him going? I hate to make him left out of the loop so my mom guilt is kicking in overdrive

Wait, don't you ever take vacations by yourselves??

Ok, dh and I always took solo vacations so my kids would pretty much suck it up.


I do take my sons (21 and 23) on vacation with me at times and some times I don't.

Why would you feel guilty for going on vacation with your spouse. or are you planning on taking the younger kids and not the oldest? that I wouldn't do

 

[Lucky4me]

I have gone to Disney with my younger child (ren) when the older ones were in college. Never gave it a thought and neither did they. Because they had grown up.
We are a very close family. We go on vacations together whenever possible and I pick up most of the costs when we do.
But if I couldn't afford it, I would let them pay their own way.
I don't get the -
"I will take my babies everywhere I go until they're 50" mentality. and never leave family behind is a bit dramatic. You're not leaving them forever for goodness sake. lol

 

[VAfamily1998]

My last "family vacation" was the summer between junior and senior year of high school (so 17 years old.)

We lived on the west coast, and visited family in Ohio and Massachusetts, as well as did some college visits so I could see colleges to apply to.

Once I was 18 and graduated (hs), all vacations have been on my own dime. We've had a few family reunions, weddings, etc. where my parents have been at the same destination as me, but I have paid my expenses--for example, when I was 21 and my nuclear family lived in CA, but my grandparents wedding anniversary party was in Massachusetts--and I was expected to be there and pay my own airfare (I was able to stay with relatives so I didn't have to pay lodging.)

FWIW, I have two younger siblings (one is 2 years younger, the other almost 4) and I'm not even sure if they took "family vacations" once I left for college.

 

[Wishing on a star]

So here's a monkey wrench that I'll throw in there to everyone that's saying it's all or nothing, my DS 13 has special needs, he will be with my DH and myself his whole life. Since he will be always vacationing with us, do we always invite our other children and their spouses and children to come? And since we will be paying for our special needs DS, does that mean we will be paying for everyone else's too?

Ohhhhh, so that does, indeed, color or cloud the issues!!!
I see some possible strong issues and feelings here, concerning how much time and effort and finances are are allotted to each one.
And, if the needs of the one special-needs sibling are always weighted to heavily, then it can almost be assumed that other sibling(s) might feel slighted, or resentful. A hard balance to keep!!!!

For now, at this time, the 19 year old is still a teenager.
I am going to assume that they are not truly self-sufficient, married, etc... So, yes, for now, I would not try to exclude him from any 'family' plans.

After this... Yes, I do agree that it is time to kind of cut the umbilical cord. It is apparant that your abilities and finances are limited... and as you are not 'independantly wealthy', then after this year or next, that is when I might think that things would change. I am just typing and thinking off the top of my head here... Hhhhhmmmm... Perhaps, instead of vacation trips, the focus might be on how he is receiving financial help with his education, car, wedding, down-payment on house, etc... Just anything that you are able to help out with.

And, if my nice Disney reference to O'hana is what the one prev. poster was referring to, OMG... I was not saying that the OP's son, or anyone else's son or child should be joined at the hip, and expected to be overly involved and expected to be involved with everything, for life.

Anyone here who knows me knows this very well.
And, understands why I might feel that way!!!

I am just saying that family is family... And to include one teenager or siblings, without one other teenager.... Well, that is just not O'hana.

In fact, it is almost refreshing to see somebody take my words the wrong way, in the complete opposite direction that few posters here are always very quick to do!!!

 

[WDWMom]

Many of you have stated that you would never leave a child behind and would always work out a schedule that works for everyone. That seems weird to me. We always went to wdw during our kid's spring break because they could not miss that much time in high school. When dd went to college were we supposed to stop taking our boys to wdw during spring break because their sister could not go? Did they have to sit home when their sister got to go away during high school? That theory is crazy. While I love to spend vacations with my children and I love family time, life is not fair and we have taught our children that. Dd was not happy she could not go,but knew she could not miss college classes. We could not go during her spring break because the boy's could not go. She was mature enough to understand that philosophy.

Now I would not leave her behind on a holiday, especially a family based one. Although we were gone for Easter one year and she went to my mom's. She would not have come home anyway, but my mom lived closer to her college than we did.

 

[Wendy31]

Many of you have stated that you would never leave a child behind and would always work out a schedule that works for everyone. That seems weird to me. We always went to wdw during our kid's spring break because they could not miss that much time in high school. When dd went to college were we supposed to stop taking our boys to wdw during spring break because their sister could not go? Did they have to sit home when their sister got to go away during high school? That theory is crazy. While I love to spend vacations with my children and I love family time, life is not fair and we have taught our children that. Dd was not happy she could not go,but knew she could not miss college classes. We could not go during her spring break because the boy's could not go. She was mature enough to understand that philosophy.

Now I would not leave her behind on a holiday, especially a family based one. Although we were gone for Easter one year and she went to my mom's. She would not have come home anyway, but my mom lived closer to her college than we did.

Well, for me personally, family is family, & you take everyone's schedules into consideration when planning a family vacation.

I know this isn't always feasible, but I'd at least try.

And I'm saying this for when our children are still living w/ us as young adults - not after they're grown & have moved out of our house w/ families of their own. But, while they're still living w/ us, if we plan a family vacation, we'll plan it for a time everyone can come. (That said, I also look forward to the times when we can have big family vacations with our grown children, their spouses, & our grandchildren!)

And sometimes that means you go at more inconvenient times.

My sister is 3 1/2 years younger than I am, so I was in college while she was still in high school. My parents always planned family vacations that worked w/ both of our schedules. When I was in high school, I always had a week of cheerleading camp & a week of volleyball camp during the summer, & they never scheduled a family trip during those weeks. After I was in college, they never scheduled a family trip that coincided w/ one of my sister's high school breaks but didn't also fit my college schedule.

I got married when I was 21. They didn't start NOT taking my schedule into consideration until I was married & had a home of my own. Even then, if they were planning a family trip, they'd still consult us & invite us (DH & myself) to join them. And, like many other PPs, they'd often end up paying - at least for our lodging.

But different families have different dynamics.

 

[SirDuff]

Wait, don't you ever take vacations by yourselves??

Ok, dh and I always took solo vacations so my kids would pretty much suck it up.


I do take my sons (21 and 23) on vacation with me at times and some times I don't.

Why would you feel guilty for going on vacation with your spouse. or are you planning on taking the younger kids and not the oldest? that I wouldn't do

The OP is talking about taking everybody but her 19-year-old son - not just her and her husband.

 

[Keli]

We take our daughter, son in law, and grandkids with us when we take a week long vacation every year. We do take weekend trips here and there without them but they go with us on many of those too, lol.

When dd first married we felt like they probably wouldn't get a vacation if we didn't include them in ours since they were just starting out and had so many new, big expenses. Then it was something of a habit. They've always paid for their own meals and tickets to events but we cover the travel and condos. This year they planned a cruise themselves but they want us to come with them! Of course we're paying our own way but we aren't paying for theirs so I guess our trips are evolving more all the time.

And I have to admit I enjoy having them with us. Vacation is more fun with them unless we're going for a romantic getaway. So I'm thankful it's worked out this way.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

The OP is talking taking everybody but her 19-year-old son - not sure her and her husband.

IIRC, OP has a Summer trip planned for everyone - son included.

 

[JanaDee]

I am available for adoption. I'd love to have my vacations bankrolled by someone else.

 

[SirDuff]

IIRC, OP has a Summer trip planned for everyone - son included.

Not sure I understand your post (as a response to my post). It would be relevant if Eliza (the PP I quoted) had been asking about the summer trip (or any other trip).

She wasn't. She asked if the WDW trip was planned as a couples only trip or if it included the younger siblings. I pointed out that it included the younger siblings.

 

[mirandaperez10]

I am 22 and have 6 siblings I would be terribly sad if the whole family went on vacation with out me !! I would just feel really left out and unwanted , if he has a job could he help pay his way on trip?

 

[fortwildernessishome]

Well, for me personally, family is family, & you take everyone's schedules into consideration when planning a family vacation.

I know this isn't always feasible, but I'd at least try.

And I'm saying this for when our children are still living w/ us as young adults - not after they're grown & have moved out of our house w/ families of their own. But, while they're still living w/ us, if we plan a family vacation, we'll plan it for a time everyone can come. (That said, I also look forward to the times when we can have big family vacations with our grown children, their spouses, & our grandchildren!)

And sometimes that means you go at more inconvenient times.

My sister is 3 1/2 years younger than I am, so I was in college while she was still in high school. My parents always planned family vacations that worked w/ both of our schedules. When I was in high school, I always had a week of cheerleading camp & a week of volleyball camp during the summer, & they never scheduled a family trip during those weeks. After I was in college, they never scheduled a family trip that coincided w/ one of my sister's high school breaks but didn't also fit my college schedule.

I got married when I was 21. They didn't start NOT taking my schedule into consideration until I was married & had a home of my own. Even then, if they were planning a family trip, they'd still consult us & invite us (DH & myself) to join them. And, like many other PPs, they'd often end up paying - at least for our lodging.

But different families have different dynamics.

This is exactly what we have done for our almost 22 year old son and almost 19 year old son. With the three year age difference our oldest went to college when our youngest went into 10th grade. Up until then we had always gone to Disney during Thanksgiving week and April vacation. However, with the college schedule neither of those times worked anymore. So, for the last three years we went during the very inconvenient time of August, when both kids could go. Finally this year, my youngest is in college too, so we just went in January with both of them on winter break.

For my husband and I, we LOVE to vacation with both kids and will do what we need to do to make that happen. We know all too soon, they may not want to come or be busy with their own lives/families.

My own parents treated me the same way; worked their schedule to be able to include me.

Every family is different though and should do what fits them best!

 

[wishing4PA]

So here's a monkey wrench that I'll throw in there to everyone that's saying it's all or nothing, my DS 13 has special needs, he will be with my DH and myself his whole life. Since he will be always vacationing with us, do we always invite our other children and their spouses and children to come? And since we will be paying for our special needs DS, does that mean we will be paying for everyone else's too?

As the sister of a special needs adult, my younger brother, I'll chime in. I think you just need to be sensitive to each "child's" circumstances. When my brother and sister were living with Mom & Dad and I was on my own, they took a lot of trips without me. Once all 3 of us were out of the house (my brother married and is able to live somewhat independently with his wife, although they need and get a lot of financial and practical help from my parents still), each vacation was different. My parents sometimes traveled with my sister's family, and sometimes alone. I'm no longer in the position to pay my own way on a major trip, so DD and I only go on the less expensive trips or if Mom & Dad decide to pay our way. But if they don't want to, or can't, we don't expect to be treated. We just consider ourselves fortunate to go when they choose to take us. I think part of the reason they sometimes to bring us along is for DD's benefit so that she doesn't miss out on the learning that comes with travel.
Someday they may decide to take only DD and leave me, which I would understand. Or, if my parents decided to take a trip with only my brother, or him and my SIL, that's okay, too. Each trip is different, and each circumstance is different. If my brother were living with them again, and required their daily care, neither DSis nor I would expect to be taken along on every trip just because he is. Maybe sometimes my parents just think a particular trip would be more fun with one child or grandchild due to the destination. Again, not likely to cause any hard feelings or jealousy unless somehow they invited one of us and another of us had strong interests in that destination. Even so, I think we recognize they have no particular obligation at this point to bring any of us anywhere.
That said, my parents always try to treat us all "fairly", to the extent that it greatly amuses DH at times, lol. Because everything in life can't always be fair and equal. My brother didn't get born with fair and equal chances, and all of our financial and marital circumstances are so different, that you can't really count pebbles and put an equal number of pebbles in each child's pot.
Back to your question, I don't think you will want to have the whole extended family along on every single trip. Invite everyone now and then, but no need to invite everybody every time?

 

[HannaBelle]

I cannot fathom telling my 20 y/o college student (who does NOT live at home) that we couldn't afford to take him on our family vacation. We plan our trips around everyones schedule, including his. Maybe when he gets married we can revisit it, but I want him with us for as long as I can get him.

This...

My son will be 22 this spring and I would not consider going on a family vacation without him. If he could not join us, we would move the dates.

 

[robinb]

So here's a monkey wrench that I'll throw in there to everyone that's saying it's all or nothing, my DS 13 has special needs, he will be with my DH and myself his whole life. Since he will be always vacationing with us, do we always invite our other children and their spouses and children to come? And since we will be paying for our special needs DS, does that mean we will be paying for everyone else's too?

No, of course not. There is no "fair" when it comes to having a special sibling and the rest of your kids know it.

I am "one and done" with an only child, but if I knew my DD still wanted to visit WDW I would continue to arrange the vacation at a time when she could join us.

 

[lauradis]

I find this to be an interesting discussion.

DD18 will be starting university in the fall. We have an added glitch that we live in Germany but she will attend university in the USA, so just getting her to/from wherever we might be for a vacation would be time consuming and expensive.

We've actually talked about future travel already, so I guess she won't be assuming one thing when we assume another.

We are NOT going to limit ourselves to only travelling when she has time and we can afford to have her join us. It would be pretty unfair to her younger brother if she got to travel often in highschool but then he did not due to her college schedule.
Besides, DD knows we are spending a lot of money on tuition, room, board, books, etc so she is not going to begrudge us saving a bit on not taking her on a trip.

I think she might be kind of sad to be left out at sometimes, but not in a "feelings hurt" kind of way, just in a "wishing I could be a part of it" sort of wistful way.

On the other hand, we will funnel some vacation funds towards something we can do with her in a break and into going to visit her---so I guess we would be splitting things, not all trips include her but not leaving her out all the time either.

OP, that sounds to me much like what you are doing: you included your son in the Outer Banks trip this summer, but are not going to not take the younger ones to WDW no that he is in college (and, IMO, missing a week or more of college courses for vacation is simply not an option--not while I am paying for that university education anyway).

Op talk to him!!! If you expect him to act like an Adult then treat him like one.

In that case, I wouldn't stress over leaving him out of the Disney trip. It isn't as though he's sitting home while the rest of the family travels - he'll be busy on campus, he's traveling with peers on his breaks, and he's still included in family trips when it fits his schedule. That seems very reasonable to me for that in-between, not-child/not-adult, not-on-his-own/not-at-home stage of life.

I so agree with you finally.

OP...love this thread because I am under similar circumstances. I have only read the original post because I was so excited to reply...will have to go back and read entire thread.

My kids are DS-18 (senior) and twin DDs-16 (sophomores). My DS had been griping a lot on the past few vacations about how boring it was and 'why couldn't we leave him home'. Our Xmas 2013 trip to WDW was MISERABLE due to his griping and complaining...MISERABLE. Then, like child birth, we forgot the pain and took he and his GF to Disney's HHI resort this past summer. While it was better since he had his GF, they still complained since it wasn't all commercialized like OC MD is and they couldn't walk a busy boardwalk late at night...so they were bored. But they enjoyed the sleeping and eating and the beach so most of the time they were okay.

Now we are planning our 2015 vacays and he informs us that he wants to go to WDW and bring his GF because she has never been. They will both be 18.5 and can do their own thing. So I booked our trip for Aug and added them to the resie (we are DVC so I got us a 2BR villa...well booked it separate as a 1BR and a studio, long story as to why). DH, DDs and I all have APs but DS does not. So I will have to get he and his GF park hoppers and we're doing 2 days at US so I'll have to get those tix too. And I will pay for meals (we do a lot of TS at WDW). We are driving, so no airfare to worry about but hotels to/from will be interesting with 6 of us. The 2 of them are adding lots of cost to our trip...uggghh (but it's knid of a graduation present to them). I feel, and I have told him, it's the last trip I plan around our family of 5. In the future it will be 4 of us as he will be an adult and have his own crazy schedule and life. If he can join us on some other trips, fine but we can't take his life/schedule into consideration anymore (it's tough enough, currently, with all 3 kids in HS).

I also booked a cruise for DH's Xmas present (for Thanksgiving week). He has been wanting to go on a cruise. I booked it for Thanksgiving week since my DDs are heavily involved in travel softball and they have very limited time when they can vacay. They always have Thanksgiving week off from school and softball. But DS will be in college and not have that whole week off. So I just booked the 4 of us. He, just today, griped about not being included. I swear I think they will gripe about anything no matter what you do...if you book them they gripe that they don't want to go and if you don't book them they gripe that they want to go...WTH!!!!

So, I am going with my plans and not stressing. He has a whole lifetime of vacations ahead of him. We are including him and his GF in on our Aug trip to WDW. I will include him when I can but I can no longer accommodate his schedule. I also look forward to the day, not too far from now, when it will be just DH and I vacationing alone. I will still love to get my adult kids together on vacations with us every now and then. Curious to see what others have to say.

This is why me and hubby decided one family trip then a grown up only trip, rinse and repeat
but our 11 year old thinks its unfair. lol

Wait, don't you ever take vacations by yourselves??

Ok, dh and I always took solo vacations so my kids would pretty much suck it up.


I do take my sons (21 and 23) on vacation with me at times and some times I don't.

Why would you feel guilty for going on vacation with your spouse. or are you planning on taking the younger kids and not the oldest? that I wouldn't do

I just love the highlighted above.

Op my advice is to talk to him. Simply ask him if he would like to be included, ect. Since he is technically an adult at 18 he should be part of the decision process, unless you really dis like his company and then I say don't invite him.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

The OP has asked a pretty specific question, but I'm curious in general - is there an age where you'd tell your children they weren't invited? And those who still take their adult children on vacation, do you invite them on all your vacations or just certain ones you decide are "family" vacations? Do you travel solo with your spouse? Or is it not an age and instead a life situation (married vs unmarried, living at home vs on own)? For those who say they'll still take kids living at home, would that apply to a 30 yr old who never moved out or boomeranged back?

I am not judging in the slightest. It's actually been very eye opening as I have 4 kids, with 7 years between the oldest & youngest. Mine are still young, so for now they all, but I'm unsure of how we'll handle this as they get older. We still travel with my parents frequently - some are family vacations in which they foot the bill and include my brother's family as well, some are just together with both parties paying their own way. Sometimes we travel without each other. Those trips in which we pay our own way, my brother's family hasn't always been invited. Nor would my family, should he plan something with our parents. (FTR, we're 35 & 33 respectively, both married with children).

I know it is an individual decision for each family and we'll have to feel it out when we get there. I can see wanting to take family vacations with my children and hopefully someday grandchildren, but I can't imagine never taking a vacation just DH & me.