My 13 yo Aspergirl (love that term BTW) has had to learn that house rules are house rules and having AS does not mean she doesn't have to follow them and the consequences of not following the rules are consistent EVERY SINGLE TIME. It is important that the rules are very clear and very simple. In the situation you describe with her pushing her brother away, a simple rule such as "nobody in our house is allowed to push, shove or physically touch another person in any way without their permission" and have a clear consequence defined for when that rule is broken. Kids with AS are typically VERY smart and VERY capable of understanding rules and consequences. Most are actually rule followers. By doing this you're also taking the emotion out of it. You're not degrading it into an arguement even when she tries. Keep yourself calm when she breaks the rule (it'll happen; she's a pre-teen and will still do typical pre-teen things and try to blame the AS; trust me). Just calmly say something to the effect of "You broke our house rule of xyz; you know the consequence is abc" and enforce abc. Really. This helps YOU a lot as well because it keeps you from getting into a screaming match with your pre-teen (can you tell I've had way more than my fair share of these? sigh....).
This is just great parenting advice in general and a reminder that I really needed right now- thank you!
Something else that I've learned is that sometimes the arguements and meltdowns over what seem like ocd type of things are actually my DD being completely overwhelmed with her day and it's up to me to redirect her to what helps her cope. In my DD's case, I send her to the shower. After an hour I remind her that our well only goes so deep so she has to get out soon (this is a bigger deal in the summer when it's dry). If you've got a hot water tank then the water getting cold will do the trick. Showers are great sensory breaks. Most pre-teen girls love showers anyway but lots of kids with sensory needs find showers to be particularly soothing. If you've observed anything that she does to self-sooth, redirect her to that when she seems to just be getting overwhelmed.
Hmm, my daughter is notorious for long showers. It actually has always kind of bothered me that she would take so long, it seems so inefficient to me. With a family of seven, it's also just not something she can always do. She has asked to take a shower at odd times and looking back I can see she may have needed to get away. She often disappears into her room to play with her animals for hours after a long, busy day.
Have you ever heard of Social Stories? They're a tool that's very helpful to parents of kids with AS to get a simple message across about how to handle situations. They're actually helpful for non-AS kids as well, but the concept was developed with AS kids in mind. Here's a simple Social Story that might help you to start with for those irrational arguements over circles needing to be squares. Feel free to substitute names and the like or tweek to whatever's appropriate for you, but it's a starting point anyway.
I had read about social stories but didn't understand what it was. It sounds like you sit down and talk through a situation clearly before it happens and have it clearly laid out what is acceptable in the situation. Is that about it? In many ways I've been doing that for years but it's cool to know that it's actually something that can get through to her. We've had many great conversations about what to say (and when and to whom!!) My daughter is a talker and I've had to remind her to first check and see if her 'audience' is available to listen (she likes to walk into the room already talking and not notice that we're in the middle of something else), make sure we know what she's talking about (she likes to start mid-thought as if we're all in her brain with her), and make sure the topic is of interest and is appropriate to her audience (she loves to spout dog facts at her older brother and it drives him crazy and sometimes tells people things they don't really need to know...)
Mom and Dad are in charge. DD is allowed to state her opinion when there is a difference of opinion but the final decision is mom's or dad's. DD has no choice but to accept this decision. When mom or dad say the conversation is over then it is over. No further discussion is allowed.
You explain this when everything is calm. Review it with her. Ask her if she has any questions. Allow her to tell you if she has any concerns or thinks revisions need to be made. If her revisions seem reasonable then go ahead and include them and rewrite. Review the final Social Story with her if you've made any changes. Tell her this is the new rule and it will be in effect immediately. Walk away. Maybe hang it on the fridge. Make it well know. Point to it when she argues. Be prepared to be called the worst mom in the world. My response to that is generally "don't you forget it" or "thank you; I try hard" or "that's my job". It depends on my mood to determine which I use. Your DD is a pre-teen and WILL say this. Trust me. It's part of the age and has nothing to do with the diagnosis.
We really don't punish much in our house. When DD13 is getting disrespectful or difficult or arguementative for more than just a single instance at a time, typically it means she's spending too much time with electronics or not getting enough sleep or off her schedule too much or needs more alone time. I try to think of what's been going on lately to determine what needs are not being met. The most common one is the electronics so I take away all electronics for a week when it's really bad; a day or two when it's not as bad. It may sound like a punishment, but I explain to her why it's all being taken away and she seems to understand. She has lots of other things to do and those activities do seem to be the types that result in less agitation from her. We don't call it a punishment. We refer to it as helping her get what she needs. It really is the same no matter what we call it other than her perspective and understanding and acceptance. I'm hoping in the long run that it teaches her more about what she needs so she can self-regulate but that's a ways off. For acute outbursts, she gets sent to her room. I refer to it as her needing time away from other people to regain control rather than a time-out. Again, it's teaching self-regulation rather than punishing but with either name it's going to her room but without the negative connotation. We're trying to really teach rather than just enforce rules.
Are electronics sometimes a problem? We don't do a lot around here but I've noticed they tend to make my son more aggressive. He is actually the reason I came to think my DD may be an Aspie. I went to my DS's doctor to talk about some behavior and he started describing Aspergers to see if it sounded like him. I was really so struck that he was describing my daughter exactly that I left the office kind of in shock. I didn't even tell him my thoughts at the time because I just never thought that about her. I always just thought she was a kind of eclectic genius. My DS doesn't seem to have as many flags to me but there are still a few things that make me question him as well.
I fell like I'm rambling now...thanks for reading though!
Is this making any sense? I feel like I'm rambling on and on. Do you have any specific questions? I'll try to answer as best I can.
A few lightbulbs have turned on though...
