Are all men picky daters?

[CupcakeKelly]

Do you have any male friends that could look at your profile and the pictures on your profile? In general, there are that women think are attractive that men just don't get. I had my DH look at some potential profile pics for a friend of mine when she set up a dating site profile. He had some comments (on pictures we thought were great) that we hadn't even considered. Also, like others have pointed out, you may be putting a vibe out there that you might not be aware of. On those dating sites, all you have is a picture and a few words to guide you, even one off phrase in your profile can be the difference between a message and passing by your profile.

 

[laura.anne]

I'm overweight, and when my boyfriend of three years and I broke up in September, I made an account on OkCupid (free site) just to see what else was out there. I ended up dating a guy for about a month, and he was much bigger than I am, but right now I'm dating this absolutely wonderful guy who's fit and athletic. My ex boyfriend was also a little overweight, but not by much (maybe 15 pounds). So I've been with guys from across the spectrum - not everyone is picky. When the right guy comes along, he will like you for who you are.

 

[bethy]

Your MOTHER is the cause of a lot of your insecurities - that is just awful what she told you.

She basically implied you have to "date down".

That is toxic and I believe colors a lot of your self worth.

I agree with this.

I also have no problem with a poster posting under a new name to protect themselves regarding a sensitive subject.

I feel like what I've learned over the years of knowing hundreds and hundreds of women is that beauty is only about 20% actual physical characteristics. The other 80% is attitude and also maintenance and effort. I know some women who others regard as GORGEOUS but who don't technically meet the typical standards of cover girl beauty. But they are healthy, confident, dynamic, have great social skills and spend a decent amount of effort and money on their appearance. (Far more effort and money than I ever have, btw) Their outfits are always pulled together, they know what looks great on them and what does not, they maintain a great hairstyle, they always have tasteful make up on, their nails are groomed, they wear accessories and jewelry, etc etc.

I spend plenty of time online and have met real life friends on the internet. But if I were wanting to meet a nice marrying kind of man then I would be putting my out there in person in the community - not *just* to meet men but also just to invest in myself and for personal and professional growth. My standards are very high and I would want a quality man. I married a quality man who is still out in the community making a difference every day, connecting with people. (not that you are not, not that all men on online dating sites are not. But day to day actions speak much louder than words.) And a quality younger man who will go far in life only has minimal time to spend on online dating sites in my humble opinion.

Good luck to you! Keep up your faith in yourself! If what you are doing now isn't working then try something else!

 

[Colleen27]

I think to some degree this is just part of the "meeting guys online" experience. Yes, there are some good ones out there but there are also a lot treating it as a virtual meat market. Back when I was single a friend and I decided to sign up for Match.com as sort of a goof, just because we wanted to meet some new guys beyond our usual social circles. Yeah, that was a disaster. Between the two of us, we met three married guys looking for something "discreet", a 300lb guy who decided he wasn't interested in 150lb me because I was "so heavy", a guy who worked at Valvoline who wasn't interested in my friend because he was "looking for a woman with a career" (she was temping and going to college), and quite an overabundance of marginally-acceptable men who were holding out for a lonely Victoria's Secret model just looking for someone to spend her money on.

We both ended up meeting and marrying guys we met through real-life situations - her through a volunteer organization and me the brother of a friend of a friend. I'm sure that colors my opinions but I do tend to think that's how the best relationships start - with a genuine connection, rather than through specific efforts to find a romantic partner. And I do think attitude is everything; I've never been thin or "ideal" in terms of body type, but I never lacked male attention and I've been told by several close male friends that there's just something in the way I carry myself that makes guys want to know me. Be confident, be interesting, and the rest will follow naturally.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Speaking from the guy perspective, you have to carry yourself well and show some confidence. I'll admit a preference for thin women, but I've seen MANY "chubby" girls who were just stunning because they knew how to dress, had the right hair style for their type, and carried themselves with confidence. Never come off as desperate.

Also just my own experience as someone who didn't date a lot, I found it a lot easier to meet women when I wasn't really "looking".

 

[Surfinpiratee]

Look at your own attitude...if I'm not even good enough for a chubby guy... You think chubby guys should have lower standards.

I was kinda thinking the same thing. No matter what the guy looks like, he has his own vision of what's attractive. It's not like good looking people only date good looking people, chubby people with chubby people, etc. Maybe try for the brad Pitts on the site also, who you think is a 'brad pitt'/good looking guy, is not going to be the same as other people.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

My suggestion would be to stop trying to date (especially online) and stop being a party girl. Get a hobby instead. Men also have hobbies. You meet them, and become friends. You already have something in common to talk about. Once you are friends with a guy, it doesn't much matter what you look like, or what he looks like either. Things tend to fall into place after that.

I never met a guy at a party that I wanted to date. Drama club. Science Olympiad. Fencing club. That's where I met my boyfriends and husband.

 

[Hrhpd]

While I am NOT the poster in question, I am very glad I decided to keep my identity hidden, especially considering how keen the responders have been to try to call out someone by name who has clearly expressed desire to keep his/her identity private. As it is, they are wrong, so they look foolish, but I digress.

Moving on...

I would like to thank Dawn and encourage you all to review her post. She explains it much more adequately than I did...what she found is men who don't have a college education, but expect their woman to have one....and so on and so forth. This is the kind of thing I am talking about. It's not about dating down. It's not about being desperate. It is about having realistic expectations, and also being open-minded enough to explore different kinds of people. Like, again Dawn, said...sometimes someone you may not be initially interested in can charm you once you get to know them. That's why I am personally as open-minded, not desperate, as I am.

For those who suggest meeting men in a different venue, I will definitely take your suggestions into consideration. Like I said, I have not met any men in traditional ways. Friends haven't set me up with anyone. That's WHY I took to online dating...I thought it would be easier. Boy, was I surprised! I just don't know why my friends would push me toward online dating, if it is actually harder.

And, no, I don't have any problem with my weight. If I did, I would be exercising and eating salad. As it is, I am not exercising and drinking chocolate milk. And perfectly happy doing so. I only included the weight part because 1) I thought it may be relevant 2) The guys I am messaging are my size or larger.

Perhaps it might be helpful if you post a sample of how you are messaging the men you are interested in.

That way we can see if maybe it is coming across differently than you think it is. As we all know, without human clues such as body language and tone, the written message can be perceived completely differently than you intended.

I also agree with just dumping the online stuff would be even better and try real life situations. As the pp mentioned, volunteering is a great opportunity to widen your social circle. It is the holidays right now and there are plenty of organizations that need help. Just don't bring up dating immediately, that would make you look desperate. Let things just happen. It may take awhile, so don't think you need a date on your second day at your volunteer job. You might even make some new girlfriends that introduce you to someone.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I would encourage you to look up her posts. She was in a similar situation and got lots of great advice, but chose to ignore it because it wasn't what she wanted to hear. If you're more open to wise advice than she was I'm sure some of it can be helpful to you.

This

 

[Sultana]

Let me introduce myself. I didn't want to be seen as pitiful, so I did create an alternate game. I hope you guys understand. I am a young single female. I have a lot of really nice qualities, and at the risk of sounding like a braggart, I won't list them. But, they are good! I consider myself a pretty person, and have been told so. I'm not stunning, but I am no hag either. I am on the chubby/overweight side, but am by no means obese or morbidly so. And, I know that chubby girls face an uphill battle when it comes to men, but I also know different people like different things.

I have had little success in the real life dating scene, so I was coerced to try some online dating sites. Well, I feel more disheartened and hopeless now than I've ever felt in the real world. I have messaged, winked, liked, a combination of hundreds of men. Men of all shapes, sizes, colors, and creeds. My response rate is disappointingly low. I have tried many different sites: Christian ones, match.com, eHarmony, etc etc. I find myself with the same frustrating non-responses.

Here is my beef. If you could see the list of men I've messaged, you would see....they are not the Brad Pitts of the world. They are not the hottest men on the site. They are perfectly average men. More often than not, they are men with some extra weight themselves. Some are even very overweight, but seem nice enough, so why not give them a chance? Imagine how shocked I am when I see a 300 lb man whose preference is Slender or Athletic and toned. And even those who don't indicate a preference don't reply to me. Now, I think I'm great. But, if I am not good enough for chubby men...clearly something is wrong. Has anyone had experience with men's psyche, as far as what they desire in women, how someone who doesn't meet these expectations stands a chance, what a girl like me can do?

Re: the bolded: Condescending much???

I'm fat. I highly doubt George Clooney would ever notice me. But even if he'd love to date me, and he turns out to be boring, I will not go for a second date. Nevermind I'm fat and thus should only "take what I can get".

 

[Hrhpd]

I would encourage you to look up her posts. She was in a similar situation and got lots of great advice, but chose to ignore it because it wasn't what she wanted to hear. If you're more open to wise advice than she was I'm sure some of it can be helpful to you.

[LIKE]

I have to wholeheartedly agree with this.

Your situation is eerily similar to mmackeysmouse in that she was frustrated with dating, also had weight esteem issues, had friends that unsuccessfully tried to match her up, etc. Which, of course, is why everybody just assumed you were her.

Since your situations are so incredibly similar, it would really help you to read her threads. There was some outstanding advice. Hopefully you will be able to benefit from the very wise advice on those threads.

If you don't know how to use the search feature here, google also works great. Just google the username + disboards and you will get all her threads.

 

[niceblueeyedgirl]

If you're not getting any interest anywhere I imagine it's something you're doing or putting out there. Honestly, the first post was kind of off putting. We get it. You think you're great and can't imagine why anyone, especially people less great, aren't chasing after you.

If you're as happy with yourself as you'd like us to think I'd suggest not worrying about getting into a relationship, enjoy your life with your family and friends, and let the chips fall.

I don't think I'm great. I am great. I mean that in the most confident, non-conceited way possible.

Regarding your second comment, actually a few years ago, I actually did have a Come to Jesus moment when I decided I was going to stop dating, I was going to stop looking, and work on being happy. And, honestly, I have been.

That said, I do want to have a family. I do want to have kids. And, I am at an age where I need to start being a little more proactive about it. Sitting back and waiting for the moment I bump into The Guy at Lowe's or church or the ball game isn't working.

Do you have any male friends that could look at your profile and the pictures on your profile?

I do! And they have seen my profile. They tell me I am wonderful and beautiful and perfect (just not for them) and give me pretty much no constructive criticism whatsoever. They tell me that "someday someone" will see it. Which is pretty much the same thing I have heard since I was 15.

I think to some degree this is just part of the "meeting guys online" experience. Yes, there are some good ones out there but there are also a lot treating it as a virtual meat market. Back when I was single a friend and I decided to sign up for Match.com as sort of a goof, just because we wanted to meet some new guys beyond our usual social circles. Yeah, that was a disaster. Between the two of us, we met three married guys looking for something "discreet", a 300lb guy who decided he wasn't interested in 150lb me because I was "so heavy", a guy who worked at Valvoline who wasn't interested in my friend because he was "looking for a woman with a career" (she was temping and going to college), and quite an overabundance of marginally-acceptable men who were holding out for a lonely Victoria's Secret model just looking for someone to spend her money on.

Exactly! You just quoted my experience, almost verbatim.

Perhaps it might be helpful if you post a sample of how you are messaging the men you are interested in.

Definitely....I will post a little sample of my profile maybe, and some samples of how I approach the men shortly.

Re: the bolded: Condescending much???

I'm fat. I highly doubt George Clooney would ever notice me. But even if he'd love to date me, and he turns out to be boring, I will not go for a second date. Nevermind I'm fat and thus should only "take what I can get".

Again, please see my follow-up to that post. I specifically said that it's not that I think only good looking people should be together or only super intelligent people should be together. I don't think that...at all! And, it's not that I think people should be desperate or take what they can get, as you put it. It's just that I anticipated (perhaps wrongly) that they would be more open-minded to different looks, because they themselves know what it's like to be judged.

To use your example, I think you should go for whomever you want, whoever strikes your fancy. But, for you to go for ONLY George Clooney, and not even be willing to give, say, Jack Black a chance...would be unfair. Does that make sense?

A previous poster said it above...300 lbs men going for women thin, toned, slender, and ONLY those types. This is not unusual.

 

["Cinder" Ella's Mom]

I hope I don't get flamed for this, but if your weight seems to be an obstacle, maybe you should try to lose a few pounds and not drink the chocolate milk. Please understand that I am someone who has lost 70 pounds and while I have been married for a while and told myself I was happy...I am a lot happier and healthier being able to be active and wear cute clothes. I know how hard it can be. I used a program called Medifast that was a godsend to me. I am sure you are beautiful and sweet, but if you are unhappy, please know that this is what helped me become happy again. Don't do it to get some guy. Do it IF YOU want to do it for you. If not, just disregard. I mean it in the kindest of ways.

 

[niceblueeyedgirl]

Your MOTHER is the cause of a lot of your insecurities - that is just awful what she told you.

She basically implied you have to "date down".

That is toxic and I believe colors a lot of your self worth.

I do want to stick up for my mother here.

At this point in my life, I was very deluded.

I was holding out for a model handsome guy, one who was a doctor, had been a college athlete, who rescued animals in his spare time, went to church regularly, visited with his family every week and treated his mother like a queen, drove a nice but practical car....etc etc.

My mom had to bring me back down to Earth.

[QUOTE="Cinder" Ella's Mom;50150972]I hope I don't get flamed for this, but if your weight seems to be an obstacle, maybe you should try to lose a few pounds and not drink the chocolate milk. Please understand that I am someone who has lost 70 pounds and while I have been married for a while and told myself I was happy...I am a lot happier and healthier being able to be active and wear cute clothes. I know how hard it can be. I used a program called Medifast that was a godsend to me. I am sure you are beautiful and sweet, but if you are unhappy, please know that this is what helped me become happy again. Don't do it to get some guy. Do it IF YOU want to do it for you. If not, just disregard. I mean it in the kindest of ways.[/QUOTE]

I sincerely hope you do not get flamed. I will be the first person to stand up for you. You presented your case in a very kind, respectful way.

I will say this: I have been bigger than I am now. I have been smaller than I am now. I had less trouble finding guys when I was larger than when I was smaller or the size I am now. It makes no sense, I know.

You are definitely right. If I want to lose weight, it will be for ME, not because I think I have to do it to get a guy. One thing that concerns me is if I DID lose weight, and I talk to a guy, I would always wonder, "Is this one of the guys that wouldn't talk to me at my previous size, and now he will?" and if so, "What does this say about him, is this the kind of person I want?" Lots of "what ifs?" It would be so much easier to find a guy who likes me chubby, that way I never have to wonder how he feels about my size if I gain weight or feel puffy.

 

[Art 1]

You are trying to hard, for some that comes across as needy and can be a turn off.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Why are you assuming it's your pictures and not the rest of your profile that's the problem? How do you present yourself in text?

 

[aaarcher86]

I don't think I'm great. I am great. I mean that in the most confident, non-conceited way possible.

Regarding your second comment, actually a few years ago, I actually did have a Come to Jesus moment when I decided I was going to stop dating, I was going to stop looking, and work on being happy. And, honestly, I have been.

That said, I do want to have a family. I do want to have kids. And, I am at an age where I need to start being a little more proactive about it. Sitting back and waiting for the moment I bump into The Guy at Lowe's or church or the ball game isn't working.

What you're currently doing and what you did before 'waiting around' isn't working either, obviously. There's only 1 common denominator in all of the lack of success.

I'd really, truly, try to look inward here versus 'what's wrong with all these men?'

 

[tar heel]

One thing that concerns me is if I DID lose weight, and I talk to a guy, I would always wonder, "Is this one of the guys that wouldn't talk to me at my previous size, and now he will?" and if so, "What does this say about him, is this the kind of person I want?" Lots of "what ifs?" It would be so much easier to find a guy who likes me chubby, that way I never have to wonder how he feels about my size if I gain weight or feel puffy.

This is just silly. You are putting the cart about 500 miles before the horse. You're planning the wedding and the post-wedding weight gain before you've even met the man. Hasn't the fact that men are visual creatures been brought up over and over on this thread? I've been married 31 years. If I had been the size I am now 33 years ago, he would not have looked at me as he liked thin girls and I was a size 7. If he had been as bald as he is now, I probably wouldn't have looked twice at him either because I liked hair on a man.

 

[aaarcher86]

You are definitely right. If I want to lose weight, it will be for ME, not because I think I have to do it to get a guy. One thing that concerns me is if I DID lose weight, and I talk to a guy, I would always wonder, "Is this one of the guys that wouldn't talk to me at my previous size, and now he will?" and if so, "What does this say about him, is this the kind of person I want?" Lots of "what ifs?" It would be so much easier to find a guy who likes me chubby, that way I never have to wonder how he feels about my size if I gain weight or feel puffy.

It says that he wasn't attracted to you before and now he is. Stop overthinking it.

 

[niceblueeyedgirl]

This is just silly. You are putting the cart about 500 miles before the horse. You're planning the wedding and the post-wedding weight gain before you've even met the man. Hasn't the fact that men are visual creatures been brought up over and over on this thread? I've been married 31 years. If I had been the size I am now 33 years ago, he would not have looked at me as he liked thin girls and I was a size 7. If he had been as bald as he is now, I probably wouldn't have looked twice at him either because I liked hair on a man.

This just made me laugh out loud.

It says that he wasn't attracted to you before and now he is. Stop overthinking it.

No, you missed my point. Or I didn't make it well enough. My point was....do I really want someone who chooses who they befriend based on looks? Is that the kind of person I want. I want the kind of person who is kind to all people...fat or thin, tall or short, unemployed or gainfully employed, smokers or non smokers...if someone is judgmental to the point they will not even talk to someone they don't consider worthy....that's not the type of person I want.


Anyway....here is an example of my profile:

I talk about how I am a jack of all trades type of person. I know a little bit about a lot of small things. I know a lot of stupid trivia, which makes me great at trivia games.

I describe my sense of humor as dry and witty, understated, but that I love to laugh, so I am looking for a guy to make me laugh.

I talk about my interests and hobbies. I talk about my dog. Really basic stuff.

As far as messages TO guys, it usually goes along the following lines:

Hi, how are you? I love your dog, what breed is he? or I see you like the Bengals, what do you think of the trade to... or Welcome to the area. It's usually a pretty simple. Hi, how are you doing followed by some sort of question to show that I have read their profile. I really don't THINK it comes across as desperate. I don't know how it could...but maybe?