Anybody else's child with cognitive delay push and shove younger sibling?

[SandrainNC]

I am looking for some ideas to get my oldest (6 years old - cognitively probably around 3) to stop pushing and shoving his little brother (11 months). I know it was a major adjustment for him when his little brother came home in January (he came home at 6.5 months and already mobile) so I understand why the pushing started (little brother climbing on him, taking his toys, grabbing at his face and glasses), but now I need it to stop. Time out has not been working. We have also tried "gentle touches" and making him say sorry (actually he signs it) and gives him a hug. He also started pushing at school (and now summer camp) and he even pushes me. Of course, little brother is the only one small enough to actually be hurt by this. Summer camp says he gets better every day with less pushing, but it is not getting better at home.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!

Sandra

 

[Michigan]

Hate to say it but that's just normal behavior the older one feels left out by the younger one.

My girls are 17 and 9 and it's not the 9 year old that starts all the pushing and shoving it's the 17 year old.

 

[mommyandmore]

I noticed your little guy has Down's. I swear that pushing is a Down's "thing"- I teach special ed and just about every K-3 kid with Down's I've had has gone through a phase of pushing. A lot of the time it seems pretty random too- they just walk up to a child and push. A couple of things we have been successful with- 1) social stories. Part of it seems to be because they don't know how to start an interaction with another child so I will write a social story about that "When I want to play with Katey, I say "high 5 Katey" and then we play high five" and go through other kids they play with and ways they can start interactions. The kids love to "act it out" for the pictures to put in the books and that is good practice for them too. I'm not sure what he could do with the baby- maybe play peek-a-boo? Something they both enjoy. If he seems to have developed empathy for others, you might want to write one about "pushing hurts" or even just read the book "hands are not for hitting" but I usually see this behavior in kids who are not trying to hurt but to get what they want 2) Try to be consistent and immediate with a consequence that DOES NOT lead to more social interaction. Most kids with Down's love to interact with other so having them say sorry, that kind of thing can back fire. Typically I would have the child "practice" the correct behavior. So they might immediately need to leave the area "because I need to make sure you remember what safe hands looks like". Then we would go back to where it happened (not to the child it happened with in particular- but that is up to you) and practice "safe hands"- hands at sides for count of 10. With little guys, you can physically help them with this at 1st. My kids usually practice things 3 times- the last time doesn't count until it is independent. Then I might have him show you how he would get someone's attention an appropriate way- then the whole thing is over and not spoken about again. But, with this type of thing, you have to be really consistent EVERY TIME- it will fade quickly if you are. But if you give the child mixed messages and sometimes pushing gets them exactly what they want, then it will be reall hard to break.
I will say too that kids with Down's tend to make a huge leap in social maturation around 3rd or 4th grade- at least in my experience. Lots of "behaviors" just naturally fade out at that point- maybe it has to do with improved language skills?
Katrina

 

[SandrainNC]

Thank you!

We have been sure that he gets plenty of attention, but I know it is a big adjustment and completely different than being an only child.

Someone else told me about social stories. And I have been trying to figure out where I get the pictures to make his story. And haven't had much luck. He also enjoys tickling his little brother, giving him high 5s (I hold little ones hand up), feeding him as he walks by. That kind of thing. So he does interact with him some without the pushing.

Sometimes the shoving is over a toy, but other times he just goes up and pushes him for no reason. If this is a Down syndrome phase I hope it hurries up and gets over with! He has always been so laid back and sweet. Stubborn too, but anyway. This is the first year he has actually been more social with other children. He had always been a loner at daycare (and there were some kids who pushed and shoved him there - he NEVER pushed back - just cried). And then all of a sudden this started with baby brother and moved onto others at school, etc. Even me. He pushes me to get my attention and I'm like, we do not push.

I can say "hands down" and he immediately puts them down, but it doesn't last very long. So I need to try the counting thing until 10 too. He loves to count.

I think it is just going to take a little longer than I wish it was going to take. I just hate that little brother is getting the worst of it since nobody else is smaller than him that he is pushing.

Thanks again!!

Sandra