Any adult children of a new step-parent?

[disney kid at heart]

I don't know. How would he feel in mine?

This is such a small family, my brother and his kids, plus me and mine all moved here two years ago when my parents did to be near them in their retirement. We had no idea there would be nine months before mom died and now in less than 15 more he has found a "companion". I cannot fathom how feelings change so fast. Isn't this just a rebound or something. I won't talk him out of it, but I don't know if I will want to visit anymore either. I am so sad. I don't want to plan the trip with these factors in mind. I just can't see reserving a room for Mr & Mrs. It isn't right. To me.

Your dad's feelings for your mother will never change. He will see her again in Heaven. My husband was a widower and had he not started seeing me and had I not started seeing him we would both be dead right now. You have NO idea the pain a husband or a wife feels when they lose someone they loved for dear life. I know I would not want to go on if I ever lost him and he feels the same way. We go to his wife's grave every couple of months. We have been married for 13years and we still have this issue with his children. When any of them would come over the others called them Benedict Arnold. I adore his children and he adores mine. Aslong as we would buy them whatever they wanted they would come over at Christmas but times are harder now and now they don't come over at all and don't call him on his birthday or any time. Do not begrudge for father's happiness because life is way to short. I do not know how old you are but you need to be in your fathers life. Please don't let your dad's happiness eat away to where you do not have a relationship with him. My husband made me promise not to call his kids if something happens to him. Of course I will though but I hope I go before him. I at least know my kids will take care of him the way I have always. Be kind to your dad.

 

[kymom99]

I have a friend whose mom started dating after her father's death. She was very upset about it. She was very close to her dad too and she still struggles with it.

I have another friend who married a man that lost his wife to cancer. She was a good friend of his wife. Before she passed, he told his wife that he liked being married and would like her blessing to find another partner. He pursued my friend and they married rather quickly. His kids did not treat her very well at first. They were 16 and 18. Now they are very close to her and she is "grandma" to their kids. She babysits regularly and treats them as well as she treats her own daughter.

Have you thought about counseling? My friend believes her stepsons would have coped better if they had talked to someone. Maybe you and your dad could go together.

My dad just died recently. I hope I don't have to go through what you are dealing with. My mom will be 80 this month, so hopefully she won't go down that road.

My prayers are with you. Keep the lines of communication open with your dad.

 

[Pkaroch]

I'm so sorry for the emotional upheaval this is causing you...all I can offer is hugs. My mother passed away a little over a year ago, and my dad has yet to even move his wedding band to his right hand, let alone take it off. He isn't ready to meet anyone, but he is creeping closer. And I'm sure that while I would like to react maturely and rationally, I'll probably run screaming and throw things. I hope you and your dad can have a good, long discussion and express how you both feel about everything that's going on.

 

[mjwolfe]

I am widowed, and all I can say is it is very difficult to be on your own after so many years with a partner. Even 1 year is three hundred sixty five days of solitude. It is very lonely to not have someone to share your life with. I have young children (so I am not in the same position as your father with adult children).

But from a perspective of losing a spouse, I think you realize when you are ready to meet someone else. Sometimes it is just for conversation... if you have someone to talk to everyday, it is hard to imagine not having that - just how lonely it can be. You also become very aware that life is short - nothing is guaranteed. you feel like you need to live. truly live and not take things for granted. I have been changed forever as a person after going through the illness and death of my husband.

I loved my husband dearly. I know my husband is never coming back to this earth. I can never replace him. No one will be the father of my children except for him. But I would like someone to share my life with...

Maybe your father is feeling some of these things?

 

[safetymom]

You are so right. The person who has lost a spouse is having different feelings than the children. I know my family thought I shouldn't be dating. I did what I thought I had to do. It didn't work out but it was nice having someone for a short time.

As I said before unless you are a widow or widower you don't know how you will act.

 

[hollybearsmom]

Thanks again for the support coming through here. It is not easy to be in this situation. My brother and I went to visit dad and her two weeks ago with all the grandkids. She basically stayed out of the room the whole time we were there. My dad sat down with us and told us whatever happened, we were to be good to her when he is gone because she has been so good to him these past few months. I cannot stand to hear such things. I miss my mom and dad. I don't know how to fit in now. They are coming home for one day in august before school starts, and he has already said we might be able to have lunch with you all. They have appts scheduled for the whole day, they will eat, sleep, and drive back. Dr, lawyer, dr, car center, etc. Lawyer???? I hate to ask but I'm sure it is for the will change. How is this fair? And why do i feel so lonely?

 

[goofie4goofy]

There is always the other side to the coin.....

My father passed away 6 years ago. I wish my mother would find someone. She cannot make a decision, I mean small ones like curly parsley or flat leaf, she refuses to bath more than once a week, she sits at her kitchen table, talks on the phone gossiping about prople she has not seen in years and smokes one cigarette after another. I stopped taking her with me for manicures and pedicures because the horrible brown crud they would remove from her fingernails embarassed me. She does not understand how someone can bath and wash their hair everyday. She is 72 and is turning into a nasty resentful bitter person espically since she retired last year. She has nothing to worry about as she has more money than she will ever need in 2 lifetimes but acts as though she is penniless. She does not drive, so I take her everywhere whe needs to go, my DH takes care of things around the house for her. However she is a slob, rotting food in the fridge and stacks of papers and magazines arouind...It breaks my heart to see this. I have had many talks with her about these things but the more I talk to her the nastier she gets, so I have stopped. She treats us like crap, but she is still my mother, so I take care of the the things she needs, but that is it. There is no real mother daughter connection, just resentful remarks on how its not fair I have a good life and she does not.

I would love for her to be independant and have someone. This is what she told me recently that I should be glad that my father died first because if she died and he was still alive, he would have a girlfriend and all the money would be gone.....

Want to switch?????