Affair OR Not - That is the question???

[B'rer Karen]

Originally posted by Hedgie10502



A lot of people had made the suggestion that you should have your own bank account, etc. Just one thing to think of though, you haven't done any of the finances up to this point why do you want to start? You obviously trust your husband enough to do all the finances that you don't even know the amount of the bills each month. The only reason to even think about setting up your own bank account and credit card is if you feel you are being controlled. Do you honestly feel that way?

I am probably going to be slammed for my posting but how can you post a question and have a discussion when everyone agrees? We are not robots we are not programmed to all agree, they will be some who will be on the fence and there will be others you will disagree.

No slam here. But I did want to comment on the finances issue. Regardless of whether her husband (or anyone's husband for that matter) is cheating, it is a smart idea to know how to handle the finances and have some things in her name. People fall ill, people die, people abuse, people cheat. I think that both spouses should at least know all the current finances and how to handle everything "just in case." My father has done the finances in our house for my parents entire marriage. My mom is completely fine with that, but I've always worried about "what happens when Dad's gone?" Recently he had surgery, and instead of just paying everything ahead of time, he taught my mom about their finances and let her handle things while he was in the hospital. This was a really good thing. She's not going to take on the day to day responsibilities, but she can if she needs to.

Regardless of if Lisa's feeling controlled, she definitely does not have any control of her finances, and that is a difficult position to be in if you decide you want or need to leave.

 

[RIDISNEYLOVERS]

I posted this here to get other people's opinions - whether they agree or disagree. I want to hear from the side that disagrees with me. I want to hear from people that let me see the other side to this and that truly feel that my DH is not having an affair and the reason why they think that. In turn I want to hear from people that (after reading this) feel that I am not overreacting to the situation and agree with me that there is something going on.

Someone once told me that there are 3 sides to a story - your side, my side and the truth. That is what I am after here - the truth!!

NO, my DH has never done anything in the past that would make me not believe him. We were always honest with each other and had nothing to hide. I feel that we had a very secure relationship - I never felt insecure with anything in our relationship. I was never jealous of him having female friends. Something like this has never come up in the past. This is new to our relationship. I have a huge feeling of insecurity now and I would question if he is truly just out with his male friends - and these feelings only appeared AFTER all these pieces became visable and questionable to me!!

I truly don't know if my DH is cheating on me. Yes, I believe this partly because of the ex-husband calling me but also for all the other things:

- The original text message: "I am wearing a skirt!!"
- DH losing weight
- DH wearing cologne
- DH dressing stylish
- DH driving to work
- DH staying at work later than before
- The Yahoo instant message
- The saved e-mails ALL from her that he deleted and wouldn't let me read
- The calls to her at work while we were on vacation
- The bracelet supposedly from the other co-worker that he bought
- The phone calls he made to her when he dropped me off on the nights he told me he played poker and when his friend needed a ride

and anything else I have mentioned!! Am I making something out of nothing with all of these things? I am so confused right now, I don't know who I should believe - my DH telling me that nothing is going on but all of these things point in the other direction or the ex-husband giving me a heads up who is going through a similar situation? I don't know. I am trying to sought through this mess and just find the truth.

Lisa

 

[Hedgie10502]

Very good point and I guess I didn't even think of that and I should have knowing that I handle all of my grandparents finances. My grandfather use to do everything and now I do it for both of them, but I guess I was coming from many people already believe he is cheating on her and she has stated she doesn't have enought proof to believe an affair is going on. If she really believes that one is going on, she should start with this guy who keeps calling and find out why he is?

Lisa do you ever have an issue with your husband going out with his co-workers female or male at lunch before? I really don't know if you made that clear. All I understand was he went out with both male and females co-workers and his male co-workers have left the company.

 

[Bumbles]

- The original text message: "I am wearing a skirt!!"
- DH losing weight
- DH wearing cologne
- DH dressing stylish
- DH driving to work
- DH staying at work later than before
- The Yahoo instant message
- The saved e-mails ALL from her that he deleted and wouldn't let me read
- The calls to her at work while we were on vacation
- The bracelet supposedly from the other co-worker that he bought
- The phone calls he made to her when he dropped me off on the nights he told me he played poker and when his friend needed a ride

He was on vacation and calling her? She has a bracelet that he bought "for someone else?" He's staying later at work than before?

I say this in the nicest possible way......honey, wake up and smell the coffee. These are all textbook affair signs.

 

[RIDISNEYLOVERS]

He used to only go out to lunch with 2 male co-workers - both of them have left the company. Now he goes out to lunch with about 6 people - 3 males and 3 females - them included. DH also told me that sometimes they can't all go out together (who is not in, who has a project they have to get done, etc...) and sometimes it is just DH and this girl that go to lunch together - by themselves.

I don't have a problem with a male and a female going out to lunch by themselves - in general. It is really starting to bother me with the two of them because of what is going on. There have been many times that I have gone to lunch with a male coworker - to have lunch - nothing else - the thought never crossed my mind about having an affair.

Lisa

 

[disneyfan551]

I totally agree. Rereading that whole list just made me so mad! I wish I was there to smack him upside the head!!!

LISA... GIRL, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING???

If you want info on the telephone tap, pm me. However, he's obviously watching his step a little at this point. Can't hurt to try.

 

[RIDISNEYLOVERS]

Bumbles - I know, I agree that these are all textbook affair signs, but I have no CONCRETE proof - no pictures or following them to see if they are meeting each other when he should be somewhere else, etc.... If you take each thing individually DH has a reason / excuse for them and keeps telling me there is nothing going on. I am looking at the big picture and I am trying to come up with a way to get to the truth and then confront him with actual evidence rather than speculation of textbook affair signs. Are you following me?

Lisa

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Your concrete "proof" will be in your finances, more than likely. When you are ready then take the step forward.

 

[RIDISNEYLOVERS]

The Mystery Machine - do you mean look through the credit card bills? I have done this. DH and I have our own Disney Visa accounts and I have looked through ALL of our credit card statements - Visa, Mastercard, AMEX, Discover and I have not come up with anything. I have looked at our bank statements and there is nothing suspiscious going on.

The only thing I found with his Disney Visa is restaurants - the ones they out to lunch to. I don't know if I would call that concrete evidence. I don't know what I make of that. There have been many times if we didn;t have the cash on us that we would put it on our CC and have the others pay us the cash if we were to split the bill.

Lisa

 

[workinggal]

When he's supposed to be at his friend's playing poker, call him there. Not on his cell phone, but on the guy's home phone.

 

[Lucky4me]

You may never have concrete proof, but that doesn't mean it's not happening. Been there done that, have the T-shirt. You'll know when it's time to confront. Until then try to relax and think about other things. I know it's tough, but everything usually happens for a reason.
Hang in there.

 

[Bumbles]

Originally posted by RIDISNEYLOVERS
Bumbles - I know, I agree that these are all textbook affair signs, but I have no CONCRETE proof - no pictures or following them to see if they are meeting each other when he should be somewhere else, etc.... If you take each thing individually DH has a reason / excuse for them and keeps telling me there is nothing going on. I am looking at the big picture and I am trying to come up with a way to get to the truth and then confront him with actual evidence rather than speculation of textbook affair signs. Are you following me?

Lisa

Yes, I'm following you But I'm not the one walking around with blinders. What concrete proof do you need? Heck, at this point I suspect you'd walk in on the two of them in bed together making the beast with two backs and he could say, but honey, she's interested in buying a new mattress and was interested in my opinion, and you'd be like, ah, ok, honey, whatever you say.

Are you following me?

 

[piglet too]

Hey, lets keep in mind that just because there are quite a few warning signs, it does not mean that he is having an affair.

Lisa came here for our support, not ot be told that she is wearing blinders and is stupid for wanting to trust her husband!

 

[disneyfan551]

She's already confronted him. He obviously has "an excuse" (as Lisa pointed out...) for everything. I just hate that she's in limbo, while he's doing his thing. I just have a bad feeling he's taking care of his business, making other plans, and she's going to be left helpless. She really needs to get her financial matters in order and have a plan, JUST IN CASE!

I wish I could say that I was one of the ones that thought he was innocent, but as Lucky4me said, "been there, done that, bought the tshirt..." You have 10x more signs than I ever did!

edited to add... This was in Lisa's original post... "So is he having an AFFAIR OR NOT - that is the question??? Please help me figure this out!! Thanks for your help. " Support she definitely has, and we are trying to help her figure it out, too!

 

[WeirdEyes]

When he's supposed to be at his friend's playing poker, call him there. Not on his cell phone, but on the guy's home phone.

That's a VERY good idea. I would follow him also. Even if he is telling the truth...you need to know for sure just for your piece of mind. This has got to be driving you crazy. It would me. Good luck and please keep us posted. We feel for you!

 

[Hedgie10502]

Lisa,

You stated that this did all start when this guy (the ex) started calling you and you didn't and don't find it an issue that your husband goes out with his co-workers for lunch (male or female).

There is a lot of things you have mentioned such as losing weight and dressing stylish, that has added fuel to the fire as far as you are concerned. Many of the things you have mentioned he has given you a reason or excuse, which ever you believe it to be, when asked.

He hasn't lie to as far as you know, and the only person who would know on this board is you.

You need to go back to him and really get this out in the open and address all your concerns and if you trully believe he is lying to you, then suggest to him that you both need to speak to someone and try to work this out.

 

[Bumbles]

Originally posted by piglet too
Hey, lets keep in mind that just because there are quite a few warning signs, it does not mean that he is having an affair.

Lisa came here for our support, not ot be told that she is wearing blinders and is stupid for wanting to trust her husband!

well, here's another unpopular suggestion.....

Instead of spending all this time getting speculative responses from strangers on a bulletin board, perhaps that time would be better spent dealing with her husband?

It appears to me that she's stating all the (what looks to be to outside laypeople) clear signs that her husband is cheating and she keeps looking for someone to reassure her and say, oh no, he's not having an affair...all of these other people are wrong.

I have no issue with someone wanting to trust one's husband..when he warrants that trust.

 

[piglet too]

Originally posted by Bumbles
well, here's another unpopular suggestion.....

Instead of spending all this time getting speculative responses from strangers on a bulletin board, perhaps that time would be better spent dealing with her husband?

It appears to me that she's stating all the (what looks to be to outside laypeople) clear signs that her husband is cheating and she keeps looking for someone to reassure her and say, oh no, he's not having an affair...all of these other people are wrong.

I have no issue with someone wanting to trust one's husband..when he warrants that trust.

But if she had no reasons to truly not trust him before the ex came into the picture....

My husband decided last year to start losing weight, after my suggesting it for years. He also FINALLY let me get him some nicer clothes for work. He started to wear cologne, go out to lunch more often, and started to read his e-mails all the time instead of once a week. I never once thought he was cheating on me, and I still don't think he was. Just because there are "tell tale signs" does not mean anything in it self.

 

[MonaCK]

I don't usually participate in these kinds of threads, but I really couldnt keep my mouth shut, or should i say, my fingers by my side any longer.

Doesn't matter whether he's cheating or not. Why? Because the trust is obviously already gone from this marriage...

If the OP poster doesn't trust her SO enough NOT to be cheating on her, then what is left, really? If he is cheating on her, he's a rat *******. If he's not cheating on her, then there's no trust left.

Either way you look at it, the trust, which is the basis of any successful marriage, has been thrown out the window.

*throws 2 cents into the middle of the room and crawls back into lurkdom*

 

[momof2inPA]

I would get the financial records together and consult the best divorce lawyer you can find, but I wouldn't post it here. You need to look out for yourself at this point, because he is obviously having an affair.

Just talking to a divorce lawyer does not mean there will be a divorce, but it might be enough reason for him to straighten up and shift his focus.