Affair OR Not - That is the question???

[auntpolly]

Currycook it is very interesting to get the opinion of a person who counsels people, but I have a question for you. What if a spouse has unreasonable fears and doubts? My husband has always had female (and male, of course) friends at work -- I've made them friends of mine. We've been married for 25 years and I have no reason to think that there is anything but friendship on all counts.

What if the wife is isolated, home alone with the kids all day and is starting to let her imagination run wild a little. How far does a spouse have to go to be sensitive to the other spouse? Give up friends that are not a threat?

This is hypothetical - I am in no way suggesting that this is the case of the OP -- I was just wondering.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Aunt polly I wanted to answer you because I did used to be that "type" of person. I had alot of hurtful prior cheating in my past.

Then BF (now DH) went to counseling before marriage. Basically it boiled down to the counselors explaining that I had this problem to "get over" and he would need to give me more reassuring than most others because of my past.

He was understanding and he did it and now 20yrs later I have "grown up". Every now and then it rears it's ugly head and dh sits and talks with me and then it's over.

People do get scarred and get irrational that is true. It takes a loving person to help you through it.

 

[septbride2002]

I think what currycook said is dead on! Like I said a few pages back you need to cut these people out of your lives completely and he should be willing to do that. That woman's security and needing friendship should be the least thing he is worried about.

I hope you will take what currycook said and move forward.

~Amanda

 

[jenelise]

Originally posted by RIDISNEYLOVERS




I have thought about getting "my ducks all in a row" just to be on the safe side, but there is one problem - I do not do anything with our finances. I could not even tell you what our electric bill was last month. Sad, but true. There is no way I could open up a separate bank account without him knowing. I have no extra money. I pay for everything on a CC and I know we pay it off at the end of the month. I have learned so much about myself since this has happened and I know the things I need to change. I just don't want to make them suspicious to him. I have to go about my normal everday life and be myself if I want to get to the bottom of this.




Lisa, your husband is a cheating, controlling b*****d. Stop handing your paychecks over to him. Stand up for yourself. My mother, who will celebrate her 50th anniversary next year, once told me that every woman needs her own bank account in which to keep her "running away money." She has hers and I have mine, even though neither of us ever plan on having to use it for that reason. Open up your own checking account and, if possible, have your paychecks directly deposited. Tell your husband that you are a grownup and want to be able to spend your money when and how you want. Period.

Also, apply for a credit card account in your own name. Charge a few small items and pay for them out of your new checking account balance. You can also charge things to your joint credit card account and return them a month later and have the balance credited to your own personal credit account. I have done this when I forget to take the original card with me. If the store clerk refuses, ask for a manager. Tell them you lost the original card and had it cancelled. Whenever the amount gets large enough, write to the credit card company and ask them to cut you a check for the balance. Or keep the balance to pay for your counseling, private investigator or divorce lawyer.

Best of luck to you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[100%Disney]

You do need a way to have some money that is yours. One person controlling all the money without the other having access to cash is not good. He knows every dime you spend, you know nothing about what he spends and where. I am a realist, that doesn't mean that you think all people are cheaters or liars, it just means that my head isn't buried in the sand. I would rather know the truth about a situation than to wonder. I sincerely hope the best for you and your family.

 

[currycook]

Aunt Polly - you stated, "it is very interesting to get the opinion of a person who counsels people, but I have a question for you. What if a spouse has unreasonable fears and doubts? My husband has always had female (and male, of course) friends at work -- I've made them friends of mine. We've been married for 25 years and I have no reason to think that there is anything but friendship on all counts."

1) its very hard to judge this in the manner we are trying to do it. Hopefully that would come out if you sat down with both of them. Then hopefully you are able to get the clearer picture if that is the case.

2) The other spouses calls to her are one point that shows that this is not the simple case of a controling spouse. In your case did you ever get repeat calls from the spouse of the person your husband was having lunch with and were they going through a divorce? In a normal situaltion your explaination sounds very legit and what you did in making friends sounds wise and even a marriage builder for you. However, this in my humble view did not sound like that.

Have to go - hope I explained.

 

[Kendra17]

Originally posted by RIDISNEYLOVERS
Just to clarify the text mesage "quick notes". When I got the detailed bill with all the phone numbers on it the only thing the bill states about text messages is sent and received. There were 2 text messages received in July and 1 text message received in June. NO text messages were sent from his phone.

Also he told me he added the "Missing You!!" and "Wow!!" back in 2002 when we first got our phones.


We went out to dinner with a couple from our church (first time we really "met" them) and it was so hard trying to play off like we were this happy couple. We got to the restaurant first and I tried having a conversation with my DH and I felt like we were on blind date. I was soooo uncomfortable with him. My palms were sweating and I was really nervous. I was talking about our cruise coming up and he was just answering my questions, not feeding the conversation or asking me questions. It seemed like I didn't even know him and we have been married for almost 6 years.

It has been a strange few weeks - I just pray that it gets better and I learn the truth soon.

Lisa

Lisa, my husband's been following this thread, too. When I read your latest entry, he said, "That's it? He's going to get away with it?". He wants me to add the following--these are his words.

"We just saw a movie called "The Secret Lives of Dentists". The movie is about two dentists, a married couple. The husband suspects, very strongly, that the wife is cheating. Towards the latter part of the movie, she does not return from work at all, and only shows up mid-morning, next day. The husband knows, without a doubt, that the wife has been with her lover. But, he tells the wife to say NOTHING about it and give no details whatsoever. The husband's philosophy is that if he is confronted with names, places, and other incontrovertible proofs of his wife's infidelity, he will then be obligate to take action, i.e., divorce. The movie centers around his deep reluctance to take action and change everyones lives--including the couple's three little girls.

It seems like you are in a similar predicament. You've got everything but photographs and a Bill Clinton blue dress. "

I hate saying anything that would hurt you--really. But, I can even think back to relationships before my husband where you're out with the person and do NOT want to be there. It's hard to converse, show pleasure, show you LIKE the company you're in. . .and, it sounds like that's what is going on with him at your dinner with the other couple.

Anyways, both my husband and I definitely have empathy for you in this difficult time you must be going through.

PS. You should probably rent that movie, by the way, and watch it with him without telling him what it's about. . .see what reaction you can gauge.

 

[tiggersmom2]

Originally posted by Kendra17
Lisa, my husband's been following this thread, too. When I read your latest entry, he said, "That's it? He's going to get away with it?". He wants me to add the following--these are his words.

"We just saw a movie called "The Secret Lives of Dentists". The movie is about two dentists, a married couple. The husband suspects, very strongly, that the wife is cheating. Towards the latter part of the movie, she does not return from work at all, and only shows up mid-morning, next day. The husband knows, without a doubt, that the wife has been with her lover. But, he tells the wife to say NOTHING about it and give no details whatsoever. The husband's philosophy is that if he is confronted with names, places, and other incontrovertible proofs of his wife's infidelity, he will then be obligate to take action, i.e., divorce. The movie centers around his deep reluctance to take action and change everyones lives--including the couple's three little girls.

It seems like you are in a similar predicament. You've got everything but photographs and a Bill Clinton blue dress. "

I hate saying anything that would hurt you--really. But, I can even think back to relationships before my husband where you're out with the person and do NOT want to be there. It's hard to converse, show pleasure, show you LIKE the company you're in. . .and, it sounds like that's what is going on with him at your dinner with the other couple.

Anyways, both my husband and I definitely have empathy for you in this difficult time you must be going through.

PS. You should probably rent that movie, by the way, and watch it with him without telling him what it's about. . .see what reaction you can gauge.

Great post Kendra, all of your posts are great! I hope the OP takes this to heart.

 

[100%Disney]

Exactly the point I was trying to make. Maybe you're not ready for the truth. Only you can decide. We are all just heartsick for you.

 

[minmate]

I don't have any specific advice to give since there have been so many thoughtful and heartfelt responses already. I do however, worry about RIDISNEYLOVERS as I have been following this thread and noticed we haven't heard from her in awhile, so if you're out there and you can, please check in -- I hope things are going okay and that you're getting the answers, info, etc. that you need.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[100%Disney]

BUMP

 

[popeyeohoh]

I was thinking some posts may have been overwhelming. I don't know what to say to make it better or go away. Just keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

 

[lucky_bunni]

I've been following most of this thread. I'm just wondering if you could give us a full update regarding what conclusion/information you've found to date that supports your theory about him having an affair.

One I will say is that once you begin being suspicious it will drive you crazy, even if nothing is there. I've been suspicious of several people I've been in relationships with, but a lot of my suspision I've had to come to realize was all in my head. It's just like once you get the "cheating" bug you'll start seeing things that aren't even there.

In my opinion, with the watery evidence you have, you have two options:

1) Stop believing he's cheating and start trusting him again. Allow some time for your mind to clear.

-or-

2) Be straight with him and tell him how you are feeling, and that regardless of whether or not he is - you want to get some counceling together so you can get this stuff out in the open and rebuild you trust again.

I feel like your letting this fester too long and YOUR buidling a wall in between you two - possibly for no reason at all.

 

[RIDISNEYLOVERS]

Thank you all for your heartfelt thoughts, prayers and pixie dust along the way!!

I really don't have an update for you just letting you know where things stand right now.

After many conversations with my DH I have decided that I am going to stop confronting him about this because I have no concrete evidence to justify this affair. I have a lot of little things that just don't add up. Is DH giving me good reasons for these little things or is he making up excuses for me to believe? At this point I am really not sure.

This ex-husband called me a few more times about this and I have not brought it up to my DH. The other day my DH looked at my phone (because he doesn't trust me?!?) and asked me about the calls on my phone that were "private" so I was honest with him (I have to set the example and be honest with him if I expect that in return) and told him that we have been talking. He didn't seem to have that much of a problem with it (we are talking like we are "friends" - he truly can't because he is doing the same thing with her and he doesn't want to be a hipocrit) but he always goes back to her with this and she yells at him about calling me.

I am just going to lay low and see what happens next. I have been feeling better and I don't feel like this is eating me up inside - probably because he has not "gone out with his friends" and I don't have to wonder where he is. He gets to see her 9 hours a day so I guess that is "good enough" for now.

There is another co-worker that they go out to lunch with and DH said that she would like to talk to me about this and reassure me that nothing is going on between them. Why would I believe what she has to say? I know they talk about this over lunch or whenever but I doubt that this girl would know what is truly going on between my DH and this girl. Did you follow that - I know it is hard without using names.

Anyway, thanks again for being there for me!!

Lisa

 

[disneyfan551]

Thanks for the update, as we have all been very concerned about you.

However, I must say that you not having "any concrete evidence" is only because you seem to be afraid to get the concrete evidence. You have many options to find out the truth, but you won't. You are letting him off the hook way too easy, and he is playing you! You say that it isn't eating you up, but over time it will. The worry and the questioning will always be there. Don't try to kid yourself.

Just because he hasn't gone out with his friends, doesn't mean that life is back to normal now. Don't let this slip under the rug, because it will eventually all come crashing down. While I realize everyone has to make their own decisions, I just wish you would protect yourself and your kids in case he is making his "own" plans!

As always, God bless you!!!

 

[jrydberg]

Thanks for the update and good luck with everything. Only you know what's best for the situation you are in. And, for what it's worth, I think you're absolutely right about setting an example by being honest. Good for you.

 

[RIDISNEYLOVERS]

disneyfan551: I am not trying to sweep this under the rug. I truly want to know the truth and want to get the concrete evidence - I just don't know how to go about doing it without hiring a PI.

A friend of mine told me she would "follow" her when she left her house when my DH is out of the house, BUT how would I know when she is leaving now that her soon-to-be ex-husband does not live there anymore - he moved out last Friday!!!

After the few conversations with her soon-to-be-ex it seems like something is going to happen on her end. After the 11 year relationship they had together he knows a lot about her and he told me that she would be the one to open this up and "snap", because of all the things that are going on. I don't think my DH would "snap" - he is a very "strong" person and won't let on to something like this. I hope this makes sense.

While I wait for this to happen I am still trying to come up with something, I just don't know what it is going to be.

Lisa

 

[B'rer Karen]

Hi Lisa. I've been following most of this thread and I wasn't sure if I should respond or not, but after reading your last message I finally decided to. First off I want to say I can totally understand the turmoil you feel. And unfortunately there isn't anything that anyone can say to you that's going to change anything. But talking about it is good so you should continue to come here for support, even if it's just to vent how you feel and know you won't be judged.

While I've never been married, I have been through this with a boyfriend of mine. Now my situation was different in that he was lying to me about the status of his marriage. When we first got together they were still living together but living separate lives (his words). I was stupid enough to buy that and the fact that he intended to make the separation legal. As time went by that of course never happened. At one point he told me he moved out. I believe he moved, but I think she moved right along with him. I was suspicious all along, but like you I wanted concrete evidence. I didn't want to be one of those paranoid jealous people. I didn't want him to think I didn't trust him, so I wanted concrete proof. What I see now was that even when proof was put in front of my face, if he could come up with any explanation for it, I'd buy it and say "well that wasn't concrete proof." For example, as I said I suspected that he hadn't moved out but was in fact still living with her. One day he asked me to get something out of his truck. When I did I had to move some paperwork that was on top of it. It was the lease to the house he was renting and both their names were on it. When I asked him about it, without missing a beat he came up with some story about how since they were still legally married, she had to be on the lease even though she wasn't living there. It just rolled off his tongue so easily and he never broke a sweat, so it seemed believable. He was an expert liar. I don't know that everything he told me was a lie, but I know enough of it was that he should win an academy award for his performance. And from what we see going on in the world today, that apparently isn't that unusual.

Hindsight is 20/20, and what I see now is that I wanted so badly to believe him that I would grasp on to whatever story he came up with to discount my proof. Eventually I never got my proof. I ended it because I couldn't take what the situation was doing to me. I didn't end it in an irreperable way. I told him I needed to take care of myself and didn't think he should call for awhile. But if he was ready to truly have a real relationship, then he could call. That was 10 months ago and I've never gotten the call.

I often wonder what it would have taken for me to feel I had concrete proof. I suppose actually seeing him in bed with her, which would not have been good for my psyche.

I don't know that your husband is having an affair. I would say you have a lot of little things that sure do seem to add up to something. And I agree with the posters who said even if your husband is guilty of nothing, he should stop seeing this woman even casually if he knows it is causing you pain. I also think that you need to take care of yourself. I suspect that you are like me in that the only concrete proof that will satisfy you would be to see them in bed. That may never happen. So you need to decide if you can go on with things the way they are. I was lucky in the sense that I was only making the decision for me. I didn't have kids and I know that totally changes the situation. If you didn't have kids I would tell you that you need to be apart from him for awhile. Even if he's not cheating, your marriage has some major cracks in it, and you need to take care of yourself. But I know that with the kids, you don't have that luxury.

Like I said, no one here can give you the magic answer, or make things better. But we're all here to listen. I wish you well.

 

[Hedgie10502]

Hi, I have been reading quite a few of these posts it has taken me forever to be able to post and while waiting to post my real question I thought I would finally reply to this thread first.

I have read the original post posted by Lisa and understand what it feels like to think your significant other is cheating on you. The one question you need to ask yourself is has he ever done anything in the past to make you believe he isn't telling you the truth or being honest with you now?

From the posts I have read I don't believe you do honestly believe he is cheating on you, I think you are feeling this way because this woman's husband keeps calling you. I think the best thing to do is probably not speak to him. Obviously you must do what you feel is best for your situation, but don't you really want to know why he is calling you, what is his motive? He is going through a divorce and he is calling his soon to be ex-wife's co-worker's wife who he doesn't even know from a hole in the wall. This guy seems to be fishy for something and believes you have the answers, which seems to me is making you very unhappy, which isn't good for you mentally & emotionally or your relationship with your husband at all.

A lot of people had made the suggestion that you should have your own bank account, etc. Just one thing to think of though, you haven't done any of the finances up to this point why do you want to start? You obviously trust your husband enough to do all the finances that you don't even know the amount of the bills each month. The only reason to even think about setting up your own bank account and credit card is if you feel you are being controlled. Do you honestly feel that way?

You posted on this board because you wanted people's opinions and I know from what I read I am in the minority but there are always two sides of the story. You don't know me from a hole in a wall but don't you think I have some validity to what I am saying?

I am probably going to be slammed for my posting but how can you post a question and have a discussion when everyone agrees? We are not robots we are not programmed to all agree, they will be some who will be on the fence and there will be others you will disagree.

 

[Bumbles]

honestly, if it were me, at my next dr. appt I'd get checked for any and all STDs....even if you don't tell your hubby. You really can't be too careful these days.

FWIW, I think he's definitely playing hide the salami with this chick and I also agree with whoever said to stop turning over your paycheck and apply for credit in your own name (which I believe all couples should do anyway)