Advice - Serious Relationship Conflict

[Tuffcookie]

OP, I have not read all the replies to your thread but it doesn't sound like he will ever leave his country. Your mom has cancer. You don't know how much longer you will have with her. I would not stay in this relationship. You will regret staying in England if anything happens to your mom.

TC

 

[tlbwriter]

To me, the fact that he is so inflexible is more disturbing than the thing he is inflexible about. What else is going to come up that he will agree to, and then change his mind? What other compromises is he going to resent?

 

[supercarrie]

Can somebody explain why it is important for the OP to have UK citizenship???

Does this mean that she is giving up her US citizenship.

Absolutely not! I would never do that.

I will be a dual citizen.

The importance is mainly that it will allow me to remain in the UK without worrying about staying with my husband. I have permanent residency now but this gives even greater security. Of course this conflict is about the decision to relocate to the US, but in the interim, it will allow me the ability to remain (or relocate to, if I chose to in the future) the UK without being dependent on him.

 

[PaulaSB12]

I have asked him, because I was curious myself. His story has changed a bit - first it was the London Olympics being in 2012, and then he said he actually didn't care about that. Then he said he didn't want to try to rent the house out, but when I suggested we look into hiring someone to do it for us, he changed his story again and now is just saying he "doesn't feel ready" yet.

Have you thought about asking him what is scaring him about moving? To me it sounds like he is scared.

 

[padams]

Go home and be with your mom. He may never be ready to leave England.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Absolutely not! I would never do that.

I will be a dual citizen.

The importance is mainly that it will allow me to remain in the UK without worrying about staying with my husband. I have permanent residency now but this gives even greater security. Of course this conflict is about the decision to relocate to the US, but in the interim, it will allow me the ability to remain (or relocate to, if I chose to in the future) the UK without being dependent on him.

Thanks!

So, it sounds like as it is now, if you are to divorce your husband, your ability to stay in the UK and keep your job could be in jeopardy.

I am thinking though... If you would really prefer to be here in US so you can be with your family... If you are eager to move back... I guess I see UK citizenship as something that has very little weight.

Again, I think you will get a true picture if you remove yourself from the situation for a while.... I see some red flags with this guy... Ones that might not be as obvious to you yet, at your age.

My advice is move back to be there for your mother... I highly doubt that he feels that you are worth the time and money for him to fly here for frequent visits... (two visits a year is just too much after all.....) I think when the shoe is then on the other foot, and he begins to ask you to give an upcoming 'date' for when you are coming back to give him the time he feels you owe him, to which you repeat his own words back to him... and procrastinate, and change yoru mind and you give him a "when I am ready", "one day", etc... I think you will see his true colors.

You could never imagine doing that to him?????
Look at this as another perspective on how he has been conducting himself with you.... Eye opening??????

 

[ksjayhawks]

I have not read the whole thread, but I am wondering how well the two of you knew each other before marrying. You said you had a long distance relationship for 2.5 years. You can't really get to know someone that way. He may have said he would move just so you would come over there and marry him.

He sounds like someone who really doesn't want to leave his country and doesn't understand why you are not happy in the UK. You went into this marriage with the expectation of being able to come back to the USA and it is not happening as agreed upon--and may never happen. You may find that 2010 is now pushed to 2012 and soon 2012 will become 2015 and before you know it, 10 or 15 years have gone by and you are still in the UK.

I would be concerned as to why he won't keep his end of the agreement that you two made before marrying. I am also concerned about the verbal abuse and his mentioning divorce to you as an option. Noone deserves to be abused in any way, shape or form.

You need to step back and really, really think this through. Do you want to live the life you are living now? Do you want to live in the UK forever? If he won't keep this agreement, what other agreements will he renege on? Do you want to bring children into a marriage that is not on the best footing? Do you want to look back in 20 years and be bitter because of the life you are leading and regretful of all you have missed with your family in the USA?

 

[Polyluvr]

Get a divorce now- you are lucky there aren't any kids to throw into the mix-run as far as you can from this self absorbed nitwit as you can-and don't look back.

It really sounds like unless everything goes as he wants-

Leave him- just chalk the past few years up to lesson learned.

Good Luck!

 

[etoiles]

As other posters have mentioned it does seem like he does intend to stay in the UK. Moving to a new country can be scary!

My DH moved to the US from Holland to live together with me. It was not easy for him and the first year was very rough. Also, it took months to get employment authorization so I think your DH would have a work break whether he wanted to or not. In addition, even though there were job openings for IT personnel, not having US experience put him at a great disadvantage over other candidates.

Now DH goes back less than once a year to visit but we do buy his mom airplane tickets twice a year to visit (a month long visit each time). If we did not buy her tickets she would never be able to visit. To see your family more while you are waiting for your citizenship would that be a possibility?

I think the key is finding out what worries him or what his reasons are for not wanting to move and see if those reasons can be negotiated. If this does not work you must decide what you priorities are and make your decision.

 

[serendipity]

From what the OP has described, it seems that it is his way, or no way. In my opinion, marriage is a compromise. For this reason, I would say try couple's therapy. If this doesn't work OP, you have to ask yourself if you are always willing to be put second. If not, go home.

 

[M5ward]

Walk away. There is no need for you to have to fight over this.

If he can't be supportive of your need to be near your family while an immediate family member is sick, and he wants you all to himself, it's time to go. He's selfish for keeping you away and he also went back on his word.

The only other option is for you to take a leave from the UK and stay with family for some time which he would probably fight, but it's the only other option.

I agree..go home!! You're support system is in CA, and it doesn't sound like he has any intention of moving. I don't think your expectation is unrealistic..you discussed this prior to marriage and he hasn't lived up to his part of the deal. Your mother is ill..for your sanity, you need to be with her. Verbally abusive? Scares me a lot..no one deserves to be treated badly especially by someone who is supposed to love them..Go Home!!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I hope she is doing well and has a good prognosis.

24 years old & in a new marriage without the stresses of kids or money problems is waaayyyyy too early to need intervention from a therapist.

I won't say whether or not you should go because, truth is, different people like different things. I have seen relationships work for others that would be hades on earth for me, but that's the thing of it... it's not about me, it's about you and you need to figure out who you are, what you want and where your limits sit. Whatever the truth is do yourself a favor and don't lie to yourself, more importantly, don't let him lie to you again. Don't ask him to weigh in, this is a decision for you alone. You & he got married based on an agreement that you take turns in each other's homelands before deciding. Now he won't even entertain what he agreed to and that speaks volumes to me on the man's character because either he lied back then just to quiet you down or his word isn't worth much to him... both are bad signs and likely to be repeat behaviors.

Objectively, it's pretty plain it's his way or the highway. This guy has no intention of bending for you so you need to figure out if that's ok with you or not. IMHO the biggest mistakes people make are expecting people to change and lying to themselves about what they really want & need in life. The guy is self centered and insensitive but only you can decide if that's the sort of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. Maybe he is what you want, maybe he has other qualities you think are much more valuable... who am i to judge, it's only a problem if you either can't tolerate it or want to try and change him.

Even if you decide it's ok with you think long and hard about whether or not this is the sort of Dad you want for your children. I can say that for myself there were lots of things I could have put up with as a wife but when it came down to it i knew i would never be able to turn a blind eye to the behaviors for my children's father. Being nasty to me would have been tolerable but watching someone do that to a child of mine meant certain jail time for me (just being honest) so i had to walk away from 2 proposals. Looking at a guy through the eyes of my future children alone pulled me back from 2 potentially catastrophic relationships before i married my DH, thank goodness because I was an accident just waiting to happen. I now think the best way to pick a good DH is to consider if you'd want a man of his caliber for your own father, if so he'd probably be a good husband and a benefit to your future family, if not he's a mistake. Of course, this is just my opinion but it's served me well.

Good luck to you.

Wise words.

OP, I have not read all the replies to your thread but it doesn't sound like he will ever leave his country. Your mom has cancer. You don't know how much longer you will have with her. I would not stay in this relationship. You will regret staying in England if anything happens to your mom.

TC

This is so true.

-------------------------

At the very least, I'd take an extended "holiday" to think things through.

I'm sure it's a very hard position to be in. It doesn't sound like you have a support system in the UK. Your DH sounds selfish and "off". Either he is being manipulative or he has mental issues. People don't usually swing to such extremes. It's strange that he doesn't respond/understand your need to go home with your mother being ill. That's pretty basic.

He doesn't sound very loving. The reneging on plans especially in light of your circumstances casts him in a very bad light.

Sorry for what you are going through. I'll keep your mom and you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Sandy22]

I'm going to agree with a couple previous posters - obviously not the most popular opinion. I think you should leave him - not for his issues but for your own. It doesn't sound like you're in love and ready to start your own family with your husband. Is your family pressuring you to return? Of course, if there's verbal abuse then he doesn't sound like husband material anyway.

 

[cabanafrau]

I'm never one to suggest giving up a marriage without a fight, so I carefully looked at what you said about many aspects of this situation.

The Olympics? I know you said he retracted this, but to me this was very telling about how in depth your discussions are(n't). (Sorry, this one was just too ridiculous IMO. Even if you aren't living there, presumably he will still have family & friends willing to put him (&you?) up if there's an extreme burning passion to be a part of the festivities.)

Your mom's health. So very sorry. Very difficult & compounded when you can't be there like you want to be. Seriously, he cannot understand your need to be near? Do you discuss this with him? What is his response?

You seem to feel you had an agreed upon move date of 2010. He doesn't want to live up to the deal. He now says 2012. You don't like it & don't want it, but from your own words you say you didn't agree, but did you let him know? Did he really agree to 2010, or is that just what you want to believe, or did he agree to 2010 the way you agree to 2012?

Why is all of the power to agree/disagree in his hands?

You say you both can live on your income, including in CA if need be. Do you really know how much you can make & how much it will take to live at your(joint) acceptable standard of living in CA? Are you factoring in what it will cost for at least him to return to the UK twice or more per year to visit his family, possibly for extended periods of time?

I could go on, but I suspect the real heart of this is a communication problem. You need to sit down & come up with a thorough pro/con list & ask your DH to do the same. You need to be able to first sit down & prepare your list yourself in order to present it to him & give him a real idea of what you need & want. You also need to have a complete understanding of what he needs and wants. Hopefully you can then sit down and really truly talk it through. If that doesn't work, then you both have an entirely different conversation waiting to be had.

 

[battricia]

can you give examples of his 'verbal abuse' ? I think a lot of people say this when they have disagreements with their spouses, so it would be easier to judge with examples.

as for moving, you keep saying you talked about career prospects when you got married, 2 years ago?? Do you have any idea how the country has changed in the past 2 years? I honestly don't know your financial situation, but I have to wonder if you know it yourself. You seem a little naive in thinking it is going to be a cake walk to move to another country without jobs, and a house still on the line in the other country. in this economy, with my spouse and I both having well paying jobs there is no way I would even consider making any kind of disruptive move.

Having said all this, I have to wonder if your constant discussion of moving back to the states is pushing him away and making him less empathetic to the whole situation. He is giving you some ridiculous reasons for not moving (the olympics???) and it is possible that's because he can't get through to you that it's not really a great time to pack up and move (you seem adamant that this move is not going to be any problem at all and I seriously don't see how you can be so comfortable with that, aside from your vision being blurred by your desire to live closer to family). It is very hard to be in a relationship with someone who seems constantly disappointed with decisions that don't go in their favor. I don't know your husband at all, all i am saying is there are always 2 sides of the story.

 

[jenrose66]

It sounds like he'll never ever permanently move to the US and it doesn't look promising that he'll even move her temporarily. You have a tough decision to make, resign yourself to living in the UK or go back to your family alone.

Personally...based on what you've said...I'd just divorce. There are plenty of men that live in the US you can find someone in your home country. It would bug me that your current DH seems to be dismissing your feelings completely.

 

[cm8]

OP, Abuse is never okay and it does not matter what form. It seems that YOU have made all the sacrifices and he has made none. Does your parents know that he treats you that way, I am sure that they would not tolerate allowing their daughter to be treated so badly. The fact that your husband said that it was his way or the highway was the straw that broke the camels back, he has no intention on ever changing and I think you should Pray about it if you believe in God. Don't spend anymore time losing out on the times that you may have left with your Mom. Sometimes you have to let go of the things that you love to get where you need to be. Be ready to leave and mean it, it is clear that he will never change, and you seem like you would die trying to change his mind. "No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."

~Unknown~

 

[Longsx3]

If returning to the US is your goal, I think you should probably leave him because from what you say it does not sound like he will ever want to move to the US. That being said, when I married my Dh he became my family and for 17 yrs we moved around the world and did not live near family. This was all based on his career (military) but it was a decision we made together. Dh would have given up his career in a heartbeat if I wanted him too but it would not have been right for me to place those demands on him, we both had to compromise and determine what was best for us without regards to our extended family. If we did not have the ability to compromise in our marriage we would not still be married.

 

[Buckalew11]

This is so sad and troubling to read as I feel I watched you grow up here on the DIS and then you moved away and then you married. To read that you aren't too happy and he isn't treating you very well is tough to read.

I think there's a lot of opinions and thoughts here so I won't put my 2 cents in but I will say I really wish happiness for you, Carrie. You'll always be "SuperCarrie" to me!

 

[supercarrie]

Thanks for all the opinions. It has given me a lot to think through.

I do wonder that if he was being more empathetic, and if things in the relationship generally were much better - i.e. if we were not dealing with the other issues mentioned - if his wanting to push back the date to move back wouldn't be such an issue. I also think if he approached it differently, by giving a little himself, I would be more willing. If things were great, I would probably be in a better place emotionally in handling this. Something to talk through with my therapist.

I really have two issues to sort through - the moving conflict, and of course whether I want to be married to him at all based on the other issues in the marriage. I am not trying to magnify the other issues, but when I think through some of the examples of the way he has treated me, I definitely wouldn't be happy with that behavior in any country. At least in the US I would have a stronger support system in dealing with it.

I do feel the way he is approaching this issue is very similar to the way he handles other conflicts, and for a long time, I've backed down and let him have his way. This is the first "big" issue I have challenged him on - albeit a major one - and he really can't listen to my point of view without it causing a fight.

A couple other points:
When I said long-distance, it was long distance at times. I was in the UK for six months in 2005, six months in 2006 (lived together then), and moved over in Sept 07. We visited each other every six weeks during the times apart. So yes, I didn't know him as well as I would have had it been a conventional relationship, but I didn't go into this with my eyes closed. In hindsight, there were definitely signs of the other issues before we got married.

In terms of jobs - again, without sounding too arrogant, we have enough in savings to last, even if finding jobs would be a problem. His company has offered him a transfer to NYC repeatedly, and he has refused to consider this as an option. We are very fortunate that the recession has not impacted us financially in any way and we are big savers.