Advanced band/woodwind parents-need encouragement

[The Mystery Machine]

Yep, wanting to drop out altogether since the oboe is the g word.

Got it.

So you are saying that he has no plans for HS? Has he explored the curriculum?
Maybe you should sit down with him and go over it so he can see where his options lie for HS.
That might open his eyes a bit.

Also changing instruments would be a compromise.

 

[golfgal]

He's done state bands since back in 4th grade. That's sort of old hat now.. unfortunately. Yes, state bands in his FIRST year playing.. he's that good.

Or, he was in state band because he was the only oboe player around? Our kids were in state band their first year and they play alto sax and trombone.


Oh, and as for french horns in marching band, most marching bands can't get enough french horn players--the usually recruit other instruments to convert them to french horn players only in marching band they play the mellophone. Heck, our marching band featured a french horn ensemble last season, playing their french horns not the mello's.

 

[Cindy B]

Oh please, we know very well what an oboe is. I have been involved in orchestra since I was in 4th grade. You can march with an oboe. Many marching bands allow all band instruments. It isn't much different then marching with a clarinet. One band in our area had a bassoon marching last year--she won soloist honors at most of the competitions too. Most of the clarinets are wood and they do just fine, no worse the any of the other instruments and seeing as our kids can march in temps anywhere from 40° to 100° we see it all.

Our high school has one of the top ranked marching bands in the nation, trust me, we have seen it all in marching band. Most marching bands have electric guitars now, let him go with that if you want him in marching band.

It seems to me you like the elite status of your son playing the oboe, fine. HE doesn't want to play it any longer. Yes, it is a waste but do you really want to fight him for the next 6 years?

Believe it or not many get oboes and clarinets confused. I can't tell you how many times I have corrected people through the years.

That would be very difficult to maintain an oboe in marching band. The reed could jam or choke. I'd have a hard time putting my son's oboe out in the weather.

He doesn't want marching band. He has no desire. There are tons of concert bands so there are tons of opportunities.

 

[5DisneyNuts]

My oldest plays clarinet, my middle plays trumpet and my little one plays drums. The oldest plays the clarinet in the HS jazz band as well as the concert band.
I understand he is saying the oboe isn't cool, but it would be great if he could stick with it. Middle school is a rotten time to make decisions.

Maybe you could offer to get him private instruction on the guitar with the condition he sticks with the oboe in school.
That way he can play a "cool" instrument and blame good old mom/dad with his friends for forcing him to play the oboe. Blaming the parents becomes a real good excuse in middle school.

 

[Cindy B]

Or, he was in state band because he was the only oboe player around? Our kids were in state band their first year and they play alto sax and trombone.


Oh, and as for french horns in marching band, most marching bands can't get enough french horn players--the usually recruit other instruments to convert them to french horn players only in marching band they play the mellophone. Heck, our marching band featured a french horn ensemble last season, playing their french horns not the mello's.

No there were about 8 oboe players in the school district at that time, so he wasn't the only one.

He's the only 7th grade one in his middle school. There are three in his middle school alone, and about 4 to 5 in the other two middle schools in the district.

 

[Briarmom]

My oldest plays clarinet, my middle plays trumpet and my little one plays drums. The oldest plays the clarinet in the HS jazz band as well as the concert band.
I understand he is saying the oboe isn't cool, but it would be great if he could stick with it. Middle school is a rotten time to make decisions.

Maybe you could offer to get him private instruction on the guitar with the condition he sticks with the oboe in school.
That way he can play a "cool" instrument and blame good old mom/dad with his friends for forcing him to play the oboe. Blaming the parents becomes a real good excuse in middle school.

I like this idea.
There are always guitar instructors available!

 

[Nancyg56]

He's done state bands since back in 4th grade. That's sort of old hat now.. unfortunately. Yes, state bands in his FIRST year playing.. he's that good.

Former band parent here. If he is that good you might think about letting him branch out and choose another instrument. This can only help him. My DS was also an amazing student. He was 1st seat in the Jazz band, lead in the Madrigal band and lead in the concert band. Had he expressed any interest in any other than his trumpet I would have fostered that as well. If you determine which instrument is acceptable for him and refuse to consider his playing a different one you may run the risk of souring him on music. In all fairness to you son, he is the one playing the instrument and if his perception of his Oboe is that the cool guys are not playing one he is not going to either. Nothing you do will make him like it but if you allow him to learn another instrument his music education will only be enhanced. My nephew played alto, tenor and soprano (I think that's what that little guy is called) Sax, the clarinet and the flute. He dabbled with the trumpet but did not like it. He still loved his Sax.

As an aside, when my DS was in school there were Oboes in the band along with French horns. They marched.

Mystery Machine- Kudos to you DD for playing the Alto Sax. My niece did as well and she was just a little peanut of a girl, my other niece chose the Trombone.

 

[Nikel]

Oh please, we know very well what an oboe is. I have been involved in orchestra since I was in 4th grade. You can march with an oboe. Many marching bands allow all band instruments. It isn't much different then marching with a clarinet. One band in our area had a bassoon marching last year--she won soloist honors at most of the competitions too. Most of the clarinets are wood and they do just fine, no worse the any of the other instruments and seeing as our kids can march in temps anywhere from 40° to 100° we see it all.

I marched bass clarinet a few times. Though I always used the school's plastic one. Now way was Fred (my wooden bass clarinet) going out in the elements. Generally I marched clarinet though. (I had a wooden one and a plastic one for marching.)

I say let him experiment with other instruments. I really wanted to learn the bassoon. My band director actively discouraged me. Finally he agreed to give me free lessons after all state my senior year. Guess who still can't play the bassoon?

If he's really as musically gifted as you say, he may be perfectly fine switching between instruments. One of my best friends is a phenomenal french horn player, but he can literally play every instrument (wind anyway, not sure about strings) in a band, and play them all well.

I'll have to ask my dh later how he felt about being the only guy in the clarinet section, and if his opinion changed. I know he was fine with it in high school, but I'm not sure how he felt about it in middle school.

 

[CJMickeyMouse]

I played clarinet and oboe until 8th or 9th grade. I was selected for orchestra..... asked to try out for the select state groups, etc. I hated every minute of it. The teachers set up a meeting with my parents to try to get me to excel in music because I had a "gift".

Long story short, my parents told them it was my decision. They let me quit when I wanted to (I did not care if it was cool or not, I just hated it!).

As a parent, our rule is you give 100% in whatever you do. Athletics, academics, whatever. My two sons never participated in music of any kind beyond elementary. They never had any interest in it.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that he is not going to excel unless he wants to. Personally I would let him drop the oboe and either pick up another instrument (I had no trouble going back and forth between oboe and clarinet and I would imagine sax would be similar as well) or find another hobby. Life is too short.

 

[sharbear]

I have a D who's gone through what your S has experienced at various times throughout her playing career.

I wonder if your S is bored. My D was always bored in HS band. Frankly she was better than the other people in the band and the music was not challenging. So she sat through band and could play the music that they practiced for weeks and weeks. It's hard. I see that your S has stopped his private lessons. He might feel what's the point, I'm playing this stupid band music and he doesn't have any other outlets for his playing.

I think that if you were able to find other outlets for him to play, he might find enthusiasm for playing again. I know that it's expensive to find another private teacher and this is a hard time of the year as most private teacher have their teaching schedules but maybe you can find a teacher for the summer.

In the time that my D has played, she's found youth orchestra (he should be at an age that he can try out for his local youth orchestra), summer music programs, a local ensemble for her instrument (much harder for oboes but ask his band director) honor bands, and solo contest. We also changed teachers and it made a big difference. Having something to look forward to and to challenge her makes a big difference. Having a good private teacher also helps.

Her private teacher is able to assign things that are challenging for her and she has auditions and contests that challenge her. Her private teacher tells her that she needs to practice everyday, even if its only for 20 minutes. My D is older but tries to practice 30 minutes every day. If he can only practice a little bit every day he will be able to make progress and then be happier and not want to quit.

I would hate for him to quit. I think that every kid goes through this from time to time. You need to find a way to get him to be interested again.

 

[jrmasm]

What would your response have been had someon posted something like this?




I'm having some difficulty with my child who has been playing soccer for going on four years.

He is now in 7th grade and soccer is suddenly not cool. He's fighting practice and saying it's not cool and such like that.

He's a talented athlete that can pick up skills quickly and understands them. He's the only goalie in his grade and well, he's surrounded by girls/young women.

We had a private soccer coach but she had a baby so she isn't taking any new students. Private soccer coachs are a bit hard to find in our area. There are a few soccer players that teach on the "side" but they are out in the city and well the rate is pretty high. I'd be willing to pay for the private teacher but I think he's just scowl through the whole thing and not understand what it is supposed to do.

This is a kid who just picked up this sport and did well even as a beginner. It would break my heart to see him quit over something so crazy like skateboarding.

 

[babytrees]

Former band parent here. If he is that good you might think about letting him branch out and choose another instrument. This can only help him. My DS was also an amazing student. He was 1st seat in the Jazz band, lead in the Madrigal band and lead in the concert band. Had he expressed any interest in any other than his trumpet I would have fostered that as well. If you determine which instrument is acceptable for him and refuse to consider his playing a different one you may run the risk of souring him on music. In all fairness to you son, he is the one playing the instrument and if his perception of his Oboe is that the cool guys are not playing one he is not going to either. Nothing you do will make him like it but if you allow him to learn another instrument his music education will only be enhanced. My nephew played alto, tenor and soprano (I think that's what that little guy is called) Sax, the clarinet and the flute. He dabbled with the trumpet but did not like it. He still loved his Sax.

As an aside, when my DS was in school there were Oboes in the band along with French horns. They marched.

Mystery Machine- Kudos to you DD for playing the Alto Sax. My niece did as well and she was just a little peanut of a girl, my other niece chose the Trombone.

current band mom here....I totally agree with all of this post espescially the bolded.

Now is the time to try new instruments. Our 6th grader plays the Euphonium (you think people get your instruments mixed up don't even get me started on hers) and has for 3 years we have always told her this is the time to try new instruments out. Espescially since hers is a "boy" instrument. But she sticks with it. Our sophmore has played the flute/pic for 5 years and dabbles in the other families. She has decided to make music her career so she won't drop music all together but is looking at dabbling in other instuments the next couple of years to be familiar with them. We can rent them from the district for $50 a year if need be.

Could your son be a 2 instrument fellow?Please don't pressure him to keep playing something that YOU want him to keep doing...I have seen the outcome of that one with kids (brilliant musicians) giving up all of it. I don't think offering private lessons on an uncool instrument (to him) is going to sweeten the deal any for him. How about allowing a break?? That works for a lot of the kids we know....take a year/semester off and they are raring to get back on their instrument.

 

[Nancyg56]

What would your response have been had someon posted something like this?




I'm having some difficulty with my child who has been playing soccer for going on four years.

He is now in 7th grade and soccer is suddenly not cool. He's fighting practice and saying it's not cool and such like that.

He's a talented athlete that can pick up skills quickly and understands them. He's the only goalie in his grade and well, he's surrounded by girls/young women.

We had a private soccer coach but she had a baby so she isn't taking any new students. Private soccer coachs are a bit hard to find in our area. There are a few soccer players that teach on the "side" but they are out in the city and well the rate is pretty high. I'd be willing to pay for the private teacher but I think he's just scowl through the whole thing and not understand what it is supposed to do.

This is a kid who just picked up this sport and did well even as a beginner. It would break my heart to see him quit over something so crazy like skateboarding.

I would have said the same thing that I said before. In the end, whether it is music or sports or any other activity in which a child excels the child is the participant. If he or she checks out for any reason it is over. If that child wants to branch out and try something new I would encourage it in order to foster their gift. In this case of soccer and skateboarding I would offer to add skateboarding and leave the soccer on the table, the same as I would offer for any other instrument that my child preferred over the oboe.

It has been my experience with my three that if I insisted that they continue something they had decided to hate it did not go well. If I allowed some freedom for them in what was really an activity for them, not me, they made good choices.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

If the other boys are teasing him then I think convincing him to keep playing at school is a losing battle.

My DS is in 6th grade. He plays drums. I wanted him to play cello (like I did) but he wouldn't even consider strings. As he gets older and band in general becomes less "cool" I imagine he will bail out entirely. He isn't one who can tolerate being called a "band geek" (or worse).

Whether or not your DS is willing to deal with the comments from other kids depends on his personality. Some kids will do their own thing and never give a passing thought to what the other kids think.

I can talk until I am blue in the face and what I say has NO merit compared to what strangers in the hallway at school say to my DS. We paid $70 for a pair of shoes that DS really liked. Now he refuses to wear them because other kids (kids he doesn't know, who don't recognize Keen shoes) are teasing him. And I am sure this is just the beginning.

Good luck reaching some sort of compromise that suits everyone.

 

[mumzie2three]

I started playing the flute in the 5th grade and excelled very quickly at it. We had 2 bands, A & B, and I was quickly bumped up to A band. neither of them were marching. I also took private lessons as well and eventually joined the town band, which was a marching band and was made up of mostly adults. "A" band needed an oboe player and I gave that a shot but I'm not a reed person, so kudos to your son. The breathing required wore me out, I have allergy induced asthma.
By 8th grade I dropped it all to take up drama which was something had dabbled in and I had friends that were doing it. First I did a couple of plays with a private youth theatre and for Freshman year I was in all the school plays. One of them won the state drama finals! I wish I could say that now I'm an accomplished actor but I changed schools and let my fear prevent me from trying out for any plays.
I still can read music and my girls love it when I play the flute for them. With lessons I could easily play at the level I did when I quit. I also have an appreciation for music that not everyone is familiar with (which is kind of a shame). So I don't think that it's the end of the world if your son takes a break for a while. If he doesn't take it up again in HS maybe he will start up again in college. Maybe he'll be the next Tony Hawk, you never know.

 

[Keli]

I would let him choose which instrument he wants to play. Middle school is a difficult time and your ds needs to feel some freedom to choose his own path. But I would encourage him to learn to play the guitar very, very well so that he is still using and developing his talent. (Tell him the ladies dig that, lol!)

 

[Todd&Copper]

Man, the oboe is uncool. I'd let him play a different instrument rather than subject him to harrassment or the occasionaly beating at the hands of school bullies for playing such a weenie instrument.

 

[jimmiej]

I'm a 25-year veteran Texas band director. I've encountered this situation before. We're always careful to point out to boys that they're likely to be surrounded by girls if they play flute or oboe. If they're OK with that, no problem. It's hard to get a 5th or 6th grader to see that far in the future.

In our situation here in Texas, oboes are used in the concert band, i.e. after football season & marching band. Our oboists & bassonists have several options in the fall. Color guard (mostly girls), pit (auxillary & mallet percussion), or learn a seconday instrument for marching band. We've been most succesful with our boys learning/playing saxophone. It's a fairly easy switch as many of the fingerings are the same. Oboists (good ones, at least ) are hard to come by, so I would imagine the band director would flinch at losing one.

 

[Nasi]

Another Oboe mom here. My D recently finished her college auditions. I have always tried to let her explore different things. She danced for 6 years and then did cheerleading. She played violin and oboe until this year when she focused in on oboe only. My suggestion would be to let him try another instrument if he is willing. He could always do both. Around here the trumpets and percussion are considered the cool ones. Our top percussionist in marching band plays trumpet in concert band. We have also had middle schoolers quit band and then join again in high school. Concerning marching an oboe --it is a very delicate instrument and is prone to cracking. My D's had to get adjusted every 3 months. Unless you had a resin one I don't see how you could march with it in the rain or cooler temps. The reeds are so delicate as well, one little bump and the reed is useless. My D marched clarinet and is now the drum major.

 

[Cindy B]

I still can' t imagine how you can march with an oboe. Reeds crack easily.

One bump and the $15-30 reed is useless.