Adult Only Wedding Receptions

[cheer25mom]

I would imagine when she became a mother she would learn that her special little snowflakes aren't going to always be invited to things. Or maybe she'll learn not to raise "snowflakes" who behave so badly that they aren't invited to a family wedding

Sounds like the bride had her reasons, and its her wedding, she is allowed to selfishly not want bad behaved kids there.

Actually, now that she has 2 of her own she says she would have invited them if she had it to do over. She says her expectations were unrealistic and the kids wouldn't have actually "ruined her party". She just hadn't been around enough kids to get that her sister's were just normal kids. They were, by the way. They were not poorly controlled monsters, just kids. I have kept them several times and they are well behaved and polite.

 

[luvmy3]

Actually, now that she has 2 of her own she says she would have invited them if she had it to do over. She says her expectations were unrealistic and the kids wouldn't have actually "ruined her party". She just hadn't been around enough kids to get that her sister's were just normal kids. They were, by the way. They were not poorly controlled monsters, just kids. I have kept them several times and they are well behaved and polite.

Of course, I wouldn't expect you to have come back to say anything different.

 

[ariel71]

It doesn't really matter WHY they chose not to invite her. It still hurts if you thought your relationship was close enough to the person that they would want you to be there. Child or adult, it still says "you are not important enough to be included in our day, sorry". I can see how that owuld damage a relationship. My husband's cousin destroyed her relationship with her sister over not inviting her neices and nephew to her wedding. I personally think a party is a silly thing to destroy relatinoships over, but she wanted the perfect, adults only blowout reception. She is paying for that attitude now.

Or you could say that the sister destroyed the relationship by refusing to acknowledge that inviting her snowflakes might have caused hurt feelings with 10 other people whose children were excluded when hers weren't (which is the very situation in the OP). Children get their feelings hurt by a lot of things. If a child or older teen is hurt by being excluded, that's when the parent should be a parent and explain that not everyone can be invited to everything. Exactly how much fun is a reception going to be if other kids aren't there anyway? They most likely would just be whining about how bored they are. And seriously, how much planning are children really "privy to" anyway?

Just because someone is "family" doesn't mean they're "close", and I think that most people are generally talking about children and not necessarily older teens. The fact is that many adult-child relationships are only a byproduct of a more important adult-adult relationship. I spend 8 to 10 hours a day with my coworkers. In the grand scheme of things, they ARE more "important" to me than any children except for my two nieces (8 and 12), who would probably be in the wedding in some fashion. I have a much closer relationship with my siblings and their children than almost everyone I know, so I wouldn't project that to other families just because it's technically the same familial relationship. The guest list needs to be cut-off somewhere.

Your terminology says a lot. You're trying to minimize the importance from the bride and groom's perspective by calling it a "party", then attach SOOO much meaning to it when it's a HUGE event in the life of the family.

 

[mrsklamc]

Maybe to you, but in our family weddings are some of the most important events of spiritual import that we share as a family.

What if someone marries into your family that doesn't share that opinion?

 

[cheer25mom]

She wasn't at all selfish, it was her party and the bride didn't ruin the relationship her sister did by trying to dictate her sisters wedding. The sister is the immature selfish one. I remember when I was a kid about five or six and my uncle got married, my sister and I didn't go to the wedding, and he was my godfather. I don't know if it was my mothers decison to not take us or we weren't invited but it never bothered anyone and my mother had a great relationship with her brother.

It seems the people who feel kids should be invited to a wedding are the one's who hold grudges the one's who feel it is at the discretion of the Bride and Groom don't seem to mind.

I think it WAS selfish. I won't allow my child to purposely exclude a friend from her birthday party because it's "her" party. If they are good enough to be your friend, they are good enough to invite. She tried that exactly once becuase one of the "cool" girls said her friend was "weird" and would ruin the party. She wanted to exclude this one friend because it was "her" party and she could invite whoever she wanted. I said, well if that is your choice ther won't be a party. It just doesn't fly with me. If they are good enough to be a part of your life, they should be good enough to rate an invite to milestone life events. I can see venues limiting the number of people invited and saying that children you don't know aren't invited. The guest list has to be cut off somewhere, but not inviting your neice or nephew becuase they might take some of the attention off you is selfish IMO.

 

[HippieChickadee]

My husband was asked to stand in his cousins wedding, which is out of town (2 hours away). The grooms sister told me a couple of months ago that it was going to be adults only. I said that surprised me since the bride has children and all of the siblings do as well. She then went on to say that their kids were invited.
Is this a normal thing? The only adult only weddings I have been invited to were for couples who don't have kids and I understood that. However, I feel like there are going to be quite a few kids at this wedding. Which just makes me wonder why them and not mine?

Of course we are still going and won't bring the kids, I just found it to be kind of odd. Any thoughts?

Don't take it personally. I had an adults only wedding because of cost, but the kids in the wedding were invited (flower, ring and junior brides and grooms).

But I also have 37 cousins- 19 of them were "kids" when I got married. 19 kids X 22 dollars a plate = over $400

 

[cheer25mom]

What if someone marries into your family that doesn't share that opinion?

Compromises have to be made, as with any part of the relationship, but not at the expense of relationships with famliy.

Or you could say that the sister destroyed the relationship by refusing to acknowledge that inviting her snowflakes might have caused hurt feelings with 10 other people whose children were excluded when hers weren't (which is the very situation in the OP). Children get their feelings hurt by a lot of things. If a child or older teen is hurt by being excluded, that's when the parent should be a parent and explain that not everyone can be invited to everything. Exactly how much fun is a reception going to be if other kids aren't there anyway? They most likely would just be whining about how bored they are. And seriously, how much planning are children really "privy to" anyway?

Just because someone is "family" doesn't mean they're "close", and I think that most people are generally talking about children and not necessarily older teens. The fact is that many adult-child relationships are only a byproduct of a more important adult-adult relationship. I spend 8 to 10 hours a day with my coworkers. In the grand scheme of things, they ARE more "important" to me than any children except for my two nieces (8 and 12), who would probably be in the wedding in some fashion. I have a much closer relationship with my siblings and their children than almost everyone I know, so I wouldn't project that to other families just because it's technically the same familial relationship. The guest list needs to be cut-off somewhere.

Your terminology says a lot. You're trying to minimize the importance from the bride and groom's perspective by calling it a "party", then attach SOOO much meaning to it when it's a HUGE event in the life of the family.

I use the term party, becuase that is what the bride I am am talking about siad over and over "I don't want them ruining my party". We all saw it differently.

You siad it yourself, you wouldn't exclude your neices. These were her SISTER's children. They were all very close before this. Yes, I can see not inviting Great Aunt Sally's granddaughter you have never met, but to exclude a person who is a part of your family life on a regular basis just becuase of thier age? Doesn't make sense to me.

 

[Spoot]

Your terminology says a lot. You're trying to minimize the importance from the bride and groom's perspective by calling it a "party", then attach SOOO much meaning to it when it's a HUGE event in the life of the family.

My thoughts exactly. I used the term "party" in my response to the PP because she had used it. Then, all of a sudden, it was so much more than a party - it was deep and meaningful family event.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think it WAS selfish. I won't allow my child to purposely exclude a friend from her birthday party because it's "her" party. If they are good enough to be your friend, they are good enough to invite. She tried that exactly once becuase one of the "cool" girls said her friend was "weird" and would ruin the party. She wanted to exclude this one friend because it was "her" party and she could invite whoever she wanted. I said, well if that is your choice ther won't be a party. It just doesn't fly with me. If they are good enough to be a part of your life, they should be good enough to rate an invite to milestone life events. I can see venues limiting the number of people invited and saying that children you don't know aren't invited. The guest list has to be cut off somewhere, but not inviting your neice or nephew becuase they might take some of the attention off you is selfish IMO.

Not that I think this story really relates to the OP, but lets just say it does. I take it that if the bride and groom are going to invite kids, then all guests should be welcome to bring their kids, because that's only fair, right? Can't exclude anyone...

I don't know why people treat their kids like purse pets, having to have them come everywhere. There is nothing wrong with a grown up party without kids! Sure, they're cute, but not always appropriate.

 

[Robbi]

I think it WAS selfish. I won't allow my child to purposely exclude a friend from her birthday party because it's "her" party. If they are good enough to be your friend, they are good enough to invite. She tried that exactly once becuase one of the "cool" girls said her friend was "weird" and would ruin the party. She wanted to exclude this one friend because it was "her" party and she could invite whoever she wanted. I said, well if that is your choice ther won't be a party. It just doesn't fly with me. If they are good enough to be a part of your life, they should be good enough to rate an invite to milestone life events. I can see venues limiting the number of people invited and saying that children you don't know aren't invited. The guest list has to be cut off somewhere, but not inviting your neice or nephew becuase they might take some of the attention off you is selfish IMO.

A kid will invite their friends to a party. They're probably all about the same age. When people get married and want an adult only reception, they want to invite people that are about their age.
I think it's silly though to compare a children's party to a wedding reception.

 

[bittybabygrower]

So having 400 people is okay for some people, but we made the decision to build our house prior to our wedding. It boils down to personal preference and if your kids don't get invited your panties should not be in a wad and you shouldn't be so upset it makes your life miserable and that is the focus of family gossip or malice.

 

[mrsklamc]

Compromises have to be made, as with any part of the relationship, but not at the expense of relationships with famliy.

But the person marrying into the family is then family, too. If it's important to them not to have children at their wedding, that should matter, too.

 

[Robbi]

Compromises have to be made, as with any part of the relationship, but not at the expense of relationships with famliy.


I use the term party, becuase that is what the bride I am am talking about siad over and over "I don't want them ruining my party". We all saw it differently.

You siad it yourself, you wouldn't exclude your neices. These were her SISTER's children. They were all very close before this. Yes, I can see not inviting Great Aunt Sally's granddaughter you have never met, but to exclude a person who is a part of your family life on a regular basis just becuase of thier age? Doesn't make sense to me.

But it's ok for the bride and groom to possibly have a strain in their relationship over this issue?
I say the bride and grrom make the choice. What if when your kids get married, they don't want kids at their wedding? It is a possibility. Would you push them to invite kids even if they were adamant about no kids? Would you take a chance on messing your family relationship if there was no compromise?

 

[Tozzie]

I think it WAS selfish. I won't allow my child to purposely exclude a friend from her birthday party because it's "her" party. If they are good enough to be your friend, they are good enough to invite. She tried that exactly once becuase one of the "cool" girls said her friend was "weird" and would ruin the party. She wanted to exclude this one friend because it was "her" party and she could invite whoever she wanted. I said, well if that is your choice ther won't be a party. It just doesn't fly with me. If they are good enough to be a part of your life, they should be good enough to rate an invite to milestone life events. I can see venues limiting the number of people invited and saying that children you don't know aren't invited. The guest list has to be cut off somewhere, but not inviting your neice or nephew becuase they might take some of the attention off you is selfish IMO.

Are you seriously trying to equate a wedding with a childs birthday party? They aren't remotely the same thing in any realm of the universe.

As for being selfish, it is her day, her sister got to have the wedding she wanted but since the bride doens't share your or her sisters views she can't have the kind of wedding she wants? Wow just wow.

 

[cheer25mom]

Of course, I wouldn't expect you to have come back to say anything different.

Sorry, its only the truth. She feels bad about it now. Sorry you don't like that.

Are you seriously trying to equate a wedding with a childs birthday party? They aren't remotely the same thing in any realm of the universe.

As for being selfish, it is her day, her sister got to have the wedding she wanted but since the bride doens't share your or her sisters views she can't have the kind of wedding she wants? Wow just wow.

A child's birthday party is one of the biggest events in thier year. A wedding is a huge life changing event. Why are some of us willing to behave in ways that we would never allow our children to over what is essentially the same argument? What if your child said "I don't want Aunt Sally at my party becuase she is too loud and will ruin it" Is that ok? If not, why is ok the other way round?
She can and should do what ever makes her happy, but she shouldn't expect those excluded not to be hurt.

I am not saying anybody cannot do exactly as they please. Just that they have to realize that choices have consequences. All I am saying is be careful who you choose to exclude becuase people can and do get hurt. It is human nature. Be sure you are willing to deal with the fallout when you say someone close to you is not welcome at an event as big as a wedding.

I never told this bride she was being selfish becuase it wasn't my place. I just smiled and went along with it. She came to that realization all on her own with time and maturity.

 

[cheer25mom]

But it's ok for the bride and groom to possibly have a strain in their relationship over this issue?
I say the bride and grrom make the choice. What if when your kids get married, they don't want kids at their wedding? It is a possibility. Would you push them to invite kids even if they were adamant about no kids? Would you take a chance on messing your family relationship if there was no compromise?

If I pay for DD's wedding, all close family members will be welcome, regardless of age. We wouldn't exclude gramdma just becuase she is 80, so we won't exclude a child becuase of age either. If the guest list won't stretch to include children of aquaintances we will cross that bridge then, but it will be based on relationships not just on age. If she pays, she chooses. It is about doing the right thing as far as I'm concerned and I hope I always teach my child to do the right thing. If there is no compromise to be had, I have done something seriously wrong as a parent.

 

[HippieChickadee]

If I pay for DD's wedding, all close family members will be welcome, regardless of age. We wouldn't exclude gramdma just becuase she is 80, so we won't exclude a child becuase of age either. If the guest list won't stretch to include children of aquaintances we will cross that bridge then, but it will be based on relationships not just on age. If she pays, she chooses. It is about doing the right thing as far as I'm concerned and I hope I always teach my child to do the right thing. If there is no compromise to be had, I have done something seriously wrong as a parent.

Your poor daughter.

My parents let me make my own decisions on my own wedding (including not to have children).

Yes, my parents paid.

 

[luvmy3]

Sorry, its only the truth. She feels bad about it now. Sorry you don't like that.

Its not what I don't like, its what I don't believe

A child's birthday party is one of the biggest events in thier year. A wedding is a huge life changing event. Why are some of us willing to behave in ways that we would never allow our children to over what is essentially the same argument? What if your child said "I don't want Aunt Sally at my party becuase she is too loud and will ruin it" Is that ok? If not, why is ok the other way round?
She can and should do what ever makes her happy, but she shouldn't expect those excluded not to be hurt.

I am not saying anybody cannot do exactly as they please. Just that they have to realize that choices have consequences. All I am saying is be careful who you choose to exclude becuase people can and do get hurt. It is human nature. Be sure you are willing to deal with the fallout when you say someone close to you is not welcome at an event as big as a wedding.

I never told this bride she was being selfish becuase it wasn't my place. I just smiled and went along with it. She came to that realization all on her own with time and maturity.

Personally I think its ridiculous for a child to be hurt because they weren't invited to an adult's only function. I would never teach my children that their wants are so important that everyone must cater to them to make sure they aren't "hurt". I think parents who hold grudges because their precious snowflakes weren't invited to something are far more selfish than any bride and groom that chooses to have an adult only affair. I think they are immature as well. If there is fallout over the bride and groom's choice then the people holding the grudges weren't really worth an invitation anyway.

 

[cheer25mom]

Your poor daughter.

My parents let me make my own decisions on my own wedding (including not to have children).

Yes, my parents paid.

My daughter is just fine thanks. So am I. My parents paid, and they had some input, as it should be. There were things my mom simply wouldn't budge on as a matter of good manners. Inviting some family I didn't particularly care for at the time was one. Looking back, it was the right thing to do and certianly didn't ruin my wedding. It would have caused far more trouble to exclude them, and a lifetime of hurt feelings. I am glad I listened to her as the voice of someone older and wiser.

 

[mrsklamc]

If I pay for DD's wedding, all close family members will be welcome, regardless of age. We wouldn't exclude gramdma just becuase she is 80, so we won't exclude a child becuase of age either. If the guest list won't stretch to include children of aquaintances we will cross that bridge then, but it will be based on relationships not just on age. If she pays, she chooses. It is about doing the right thing as far as I'm concerned and I hope I always teach my child to do the right thing. If there is no compromise to be had, I have done something seriously wrong as a parent.

I find this statement confusing, because I read it as being at the end of a paragraph that states there will be no compromise if your daughter doesn't want kids at her wedding....it will be your way, or she can pay for it herself. Sounds like an ultimatum to me.