A sad choice for my friend

[Freyja]

But that's where some opinions differ. Some people feel, me included, that he IS the man she married. He has been injured (albeit serverely) but he is the man she married. This is the worse in for better or worse and the sickness in sickness and health. I certainly wouldn't be looking for a replacement for the children's daddy. My DH and myself have discussed that should something happen to us our children would only ever have one mommy or one daddy. If one of us should die, there may be a step parent in the future but they will never take the place of us. We agreed (my DH and myself) that our vow said til death do us part. We fully intend to keep those vows. To us, death means actually going to heaven and ceasing to live on this earth. It does not mean living in a nursing home. Would I ever judge someone for making a decision different from my own? No. The OP asked for opinions and I gave mine, for what it is worth. I really hope everyone involved is getting some counseling. I can't imagine how difficult this is for everyone involved.

As another OP asked....did she ever have "the" conversation with her husband?

I´m curious to know. Does this mean you would never, ever, under any circumstances divorce your husband?

 

[bethbuchall]

But that's where some opinions differ. Some people feel, me included, that he IS the man she married. He has been injured (albeit serverely) but he is the man she married. This is the worse in for better or worse and the sickness in sickness and health. I certainly wouldn't be looking for a replacement for the children's daddy. My DH and myself have discussed that should something happen to us our children would only ever have one mommy or one daddy. If one of us should die, there may be a step parent in the future but they will never take the place of us. We agreed (my DH and myself) that our vow said til death do us part. We fully intend to keep those vows. To us, death means actually going to heaven and ceasing to live on this earth. It does not mean living in a nursing home. Would I ever judge someone for making a decision different from my own? No. The OP asked for opinions and I gave mine, for what it is worth. I really hope everyone involved is getting some counseling. I can't imagine how difficult this is for everyone involved.

As another OP asked....did she ever have "the" conversation with her husband?

While no one could ever take a parent's place, I'd certainly want my kids to have as close to that relationship as possible with someone else if I were not able to be around anymore. I'm not sure exactly what you mean by "there may be a step parent in the future but they will never take the place of us." You wouldn't want that person to step in and fully take the parent role and love the children as a parent would? Or just that you would want to make sure that the other parent were never forgotten. Would you not allow them to call the step parent "mom" or "dad" or refer to them as their parent?

 

[wvjules]

For those of you that say you would never leave your spouse...what would you want YOUR spouse to do? I would never be so selfish that I would want my husband to stay married to me. I would want him to move on and try to live a happy life.

 

[NikitaZee]

I'm just curious. Aside from his initial incident. How is his health? Is he now fine with no other health issues? I don't ask because it has a bearing to an opinion to you question. I was just wondering.

I am curious - how does your friend support 5 children with no help? She has my greatest sympathy. So sorry for her situation. So sad.

He is relatively healthy. He learned how to eat, talk, walk again pretty quickly. He does have violent outbursts from time to time at the nursing home - he forgets that he can't leave and tries to go in the middle of the night and my friend gets called and drives in to help calm him down. As for taking care of the kids - her oldest two are 17 year old twins and they help with the younger two.

 

[TinklednPants]

It's a highly personal decision and I wish her all the best whatever she decides.
In the meantime I've a sudden urge to buy stock in Duracell.

 

[nathalee81]

As for those people that are saying I would "never" or my husband would "never"-be very careful.

I have seen life throw curveballs to people. I have found it is better to "never" use the word "never" when it comes to life.

 

[krcit]

Such a sad situation. I couldn't even begin to imagine or say what I would do. I know I wouldn't want my DH to spend his life without a partner if something like that happened to me. I hope your friend can make a decision and feel at peace with it and that the people close to her don't judge.

 

[DizBelle]

And walking out on her husband because he got sick and isn't perfect anymore is a better one?

Divorcing him doesn't mean she is abandoning him. She is redefining her relationship with him - but a relationship it still is.

I think she can "divorce" him and still keep her vows. She will be there for the "worse" of "better or worse" and for the "sickness" of "sickness and health" if for no other reason than to support the father of her children. She just won't have the "wife" label.

My only concern for divorcing him is what would this mean for her involvement in his ongoing care? This is about the only thing that would keep me from divorcing my husband in this situation. I would want to still be a part of the decisions about his care.

 

[Scurvy]

For those of you that say you would never leave your spouse...what would you want YOUR spouse to do? I would never be so selfish that I would want my husband to stay married to me. I would want him to move on and try to live a happy life.

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me it isn't a matter of "want". What I want is for my husband and I to have a happy, healthy lifetime together. I wouldn't want to end up with a sick or injured spouse who doesn't know me, and I wouldn't want my husband to end up with that either. But I believe that "in sickness and in health" means just that. Those are the vows I said and I meant them. If I hadn't, I would have taken them out of the ceremony. I could tell my husband to go on with his life without me if I'm left unable to truly be his partner, but I don't believe he would be able to do that any more than I would simply because it's so contrary to our beliefs about marriage.

And that is why this is such a personal decision. None of us can say what someone else should do because none of us can understand how anyone else views their marriage or their vows. There is no one right or wrong answer here.

 

[JessicaR]

For those of you that say you would never leave your spouse...what would you want YOUR spouse to do? I would never be so selfish that I would want my husband to stay married to me. I would want him to move on and try to live a happy life.

I agree. Tina said it first but nobody has put it in that perspective. Easy to say what we think we would/should do but what would we want our spouses to do? I would never want my husband of 20 years to live out the rest of his life without a partner because face it they would NOT have a partner as we know the term.

 

[jen0610]

Really?? All someone gets out of a marriage is romance and sex??

This poor lady for all intents and purposes has lost her husband and gained a grown child/man. She no longer has a partner, a confidant, an emotional support, a father to her children in addition to the romance and sex part.

Marriage is so much more than romance and sex and I can't really think that this is her bottom line. I can't imagine a lifetime of being alone but being married. I understand for better and worse but honestly her husband is gone. The man she married is no longer in the man that lives in the nursing home.

I can't imagine not wanting her to be happy. I would never want my husband to suspend his life if I could not share the journey with him.

Very well said, Tina.

And this is why DH and I have have had talks about the coulda, woulda, shoulda's that may come. Even with the vow of better or worse, sickness or health, if I were in the state this man is - have no clue what it ment to make those vows or how to live up to those vows - I would not want the person I had loved that way the most in this world, that had a life as a husband, father, and man to stop, because I no longer was able to give him what he needs out of our marriage do to an unreversable life long ailment.

And when I say life long, with the advancements in medicine we have today, this man could out live his wife.

 

[manning]

"For Better or worse, in sickness and in health and for richer or poorer."

To many it sounds like this should be taken out of the vows.

 

[LuvOrlando]

This is one of those situations I pray I will never have to live through. There is no right answer, only the best your friend can do. Sounds like you are already being the best friend you can be for her. Sad all the way around

 

[Hannathy]

I'm really curious if he can do all the things you say he can do why is he still in the nursing home? and who is paying for that?

I thought he was more of a paralyzed person incapable of doing anything for himself but he sounds pretty capable.

I think a big question is why is she keeping him in the nursing home and not at home? I know people who have cared for folks worse at home. It may make her feel more married if he was at home.


I know this isn't part of the OP but it is curious. Sounds like she has already made a big part of the decision.

 

[DizBelle]

I'm really curious if he can do all the things you say he can do why is he still in the nursing home? and who is paying for that?

I thought he was more of a paralyzed person incapable of doing anything for himself but he sounds pretty capable.

I think a big question is why is she keeping him in the nursing home and not at home? I know people who have cared for folks worse at home. It may make her feel more married if he was at home.


I know this isn't part of the OP but it is curious. Sounds like she has already made a big part of the decision.

My guess is that he can't be left alone and she has to work to support the remainder of the family.

 

[snowywhite89]

All I can say is, she is really struggling with this. She doesn't feel good about either option, but she is looking ahead and seeing a bleak picture for herself the way things are now.

Has she considered all the possibilities?

What if she divorces and never finds romance and love again. She can never go back.

What if she divorces and then finds out her kids resent her decision and when they become adults they "divorce" her as their mother.

If she divorces what happens to his medical care? She is a government worker and has excellent coverage.

There are an infinite # of possibilities both is she stays married and if she divorces.

She needs counseling as does the rest of the family.


Is there any possibility he will ever be able to leave the nursing home?

 

[DizBelle]

Has she considered all the possibilities?

What if she divorces and never finds romance and love again. She can never go back.

What if she divorces and then finds out her kids resent her decision and when they become adults they "divorce" her as their mother.

If she divorces what happens to his medical care? She is a government worker and has excellent coverage.

There are an infinite # of possibilities both is she stays married and if she divorces.

She needs counseling as does the rest of the family.


Is there any possibility he will ever be able to leave the nursing home?

Another good point. Are there benefits he may lose if she divorces him (since he will no longer be her spouse)?

 

[NikitaZee]

My guess is that he can't be left alone and she has to work to support the remainder of the family.

This is true - he is disabled enough that he needs 24 hour care. He has very little short term memory, wanders off, occasional (once or twice a month) violent outbursts - similar, I think - to an Alzheimers patient. After awhile she tried to bring him home, but his doctors told her that he couldn't be released into her care.

 

[Tiger926]

What an incredibly sad situation all around...I can't even imagine how she is going to make a decision that she feels truly peaceful and accepting of...I can totally understand how she would be feeling guilty. But, I honestly don't think the husband's family should be giving her any additional grief. She is in a totally different place than a father or sister would be in, as she has essentially lost her life partner, as this man is not the partner she married a long time ago. I wonder what the husband would want for her?

Based on the OP's description, it sounds like they have been together for a very long time. If they are in their mid 30s, and have 17 year old twins, they must have had them as teenagers, which means this is probably the only long term relationship they have ever had. I can imagine the OP's friend has struggled with much grief over losing her life as she knew it in such a quick manner...

On the other hand, she is young, and has an entire lifetime ahead of her until she is perhaps in her 80s or 90s, and that is a long time to be in this particular situation (if the husband lives that long - I'm not sure if there are any other health problems, as I didn't read about any in this entire thread). It seems as if her husband doesn't even understand marriage, nor remember his children, so is she really breaking marriage vows, when she doesn't exactly have a marriage anymore? Then again, how does one define marriage? So many hard questions to answer at this point...

Such a hard decision for the wife, and the children...I commend the OP for being there to comfort and assist her friend. What a truly horrible situation to be faced with...

Tiger

 

[pansmermaidzlagoon]

Really?? All someone gets out of a marriage is romance and sex??

This poor lady for all intents and purposes has lost her husband and gained a grown child/man. She no longer has a partner, a confidant, an emotional support, a father to her children in addition to the romance and sex part.

Marriage is so much more than romance and sex and I can't really think that this is her bottom line. I can't imagine a lifetime of being alone but being married. I understand for better and worse but honestly her husband is gone. The man she married is no longer in the man that lives in the nursing home.

I can't imagine not wanting her to be happy. I would never want my husband to suspend his life if I could not share the journey with him.

well said!

I wouldn't want that for my DH either! I would want him to be happy and I know he would still be there to support me! It isn't the same thing as turning your back and walking away.