A couple of etiquette questions & then some ranting

[maelstrom]

OP, if these are the biggest things you guys have to worry about, you have a really nice life.

Why does everyone assume that because I posted a thread about it, that it is the biggest thing I have to worry about in my life? Is cheerleading the biggest thing the parents in the cheer parent thread have to worry about? Probably not. Is there a thread about the cheerleading anyway? Yup.

I also posted a thread about how my uncle Jim has esophagus, liver, and stomach cancer and he is dying. Is that big enough?

 

[MushyMushy]

I totally agree.

If you'd pulled this stunt on me, it would be the last invite I would send to you. You really are coming across like you acted like a snot-nosed brat.

Of all the things in life to get your drawers in a twist about, this should be the last.

Yikes, no kidding!

I lived with my parents well into my 20s and this is something that never once fazed me. I don't recall ever getting a separate invitation to anything.

I think it's the height of arrogance to call and correct someone on that!

 

[CEDmom]

I'm sorry? I most certainly think that I am my own person and that I should not always be attached as an appendage to my parents. My "guest", whoever that may be, does not live in this household? So what of that? Why was "guest" tacked on to this invitation? What is the explanation for that? "Guest" is MY guest, so most certainly should be added to my invite. But "guest" has nothing to do with my parents, so shouldn't be on their invite. "Guest" cannot be sent their own invitation as they are, MY guest, and "guest"'s identity has not been written in stone. So what would YOU do here?

I'm not going to decline an invitation to my grandparents *surprise* 50th wedding anniversary party because my aunt wrote it out incorrectly. This may work in other scenarios, but not in mine.

I remember being 21 and always needing to be right but then I grew up and realized how little I knew .

 

[poohandwendy]

Because that isn't what happened. It was more like, "Hmm... shouldn't I have my *own* invitation at 21? Especially if I'm bringing a guest? Maybe she doesn't know that's how it works. I'll let her know for the future."

Maybe I am missing something, but where is it written that sending you a separate invite merely because you are 21 is 'how it works'?

 

[LaraK]

I remember being 21 and always needing to be right but then I grew up and realized how little I knew .

My mother always used to say to me "ahhh, so wise for one so young....". It used to make me nuts because I knew she was being sarcastic. Then I grew up and realized she was right.

 

[Cool-Beans]

The invitation came to "My Name and Guest." I don't know what the etiquette is about when "Guest" changes to a particular name.

"...and guest" is never proper. Invitations are supposed to be issued to people. You can always call someone up and say, "Is there anyone you'd like bring to the party/wedding? I'd be happy to send them an invitation."

Two different people get two different invitations until they are married.

People ignore this stuff.

Manners have been tossed aside in the name of, "I think this is the best way to do it," and since everyone has their own idea of "the best way" we've got people running around being offensive without knowing it and getting offended when they shouldn't be.

Hard to play a game when everyone has their own rules, you know?

 

[smartestnumber5]

FWIW, I would never write 'and guest' if it was obvious who that guest would be (well known to the host, a significant other/fiance/partner/serious relationship)

Yeah that's what I would figure would be the way to go. In defense of the person who wrote the invitation, it might very well have been that she did not know I'm even in a relationship.

Of course, given I might very well have been with GF longer than she's been with her fiancee, one would think she would have known. I suspect though, that maybe since it's a same-sex relationship my family doesn't really talk openly about it to my extended family or something.

They're Italian so they talk openly about EVERYTHING else. They love to Gossip. Last time I talked to my mom I got not just the news that my distant cousin and his fiancee broke off their engagement, but details and commentary about how some family members didn't think a marriage between those too would ever work anyway. That cousin, incidentally, had only been in the relationship with his fiancee for less than half as long as GF and I have been together. So by all rights, as an Italian my family should not only know who GF is, but should regularly be gossiping about us and evaluating the strength of our relationship I guess I should be careful what I wish for though!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I can see how you feel, to a point. The whole, I am now "free, white, and over 21" give me some respect thing!!! (Please, this is just an old saying, I intend no racial connotations whatsoever!!) But, I don't think I would have called and corrected anyone. It is never okay to correct (read: chastise) anyone unless it is something that has an ongoing direct affect on you. It is never acceptable to go around pointing out every supposed mistake that others might make.)

But, WOWZER!!!! Your mom is the one with some huge issues!!!!!

If she is that upset over this, and thinks that you should go even further...

 

[Cool-Beans]

Maybe I am missing something, but where is it written that sending you a separate invite merely because you are 21 is 'how it works'?

Adult children are issued their own invitation if they live with the parents, next door, or across the country.

LOL, because that's how it works.

But if someone doesn't know any better and attaches the adult's invitation to someone else's (like the parents) the adult does not get to call them up and inform them that they are being rude. Because that would be rude, because that's how it works, too.

 

[cardaway]

And how do you know what you think you know is THE right way?

Check out enough sources for this stuff and you get different answers, each claiming to be as correct and the other wroang.

That is why people stopped caring about this stuff.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The most egregious breach of ettiguette is calling someone to inform them that they are breaching ettiquette. A gracious person lets those little things go.

'egregious'... Been watching Jack Sparrow, eh....

 

[poohandwendy]

Adult children are issued their own invitation if they live with the parents, next door, or across the country.

LOL, because that's how it works.

But if someone doesn't know any better and attaches the adult's invitation to someone else's (like the parents) the adult does not get to call them up and inform them that they are being rude. Because that would be rude, because that's how it works, too.

LOL, not in my neck of the woods. (re the first part, we issue invites based on who lives at the address- we are trash that way)

Then again, perhaps the OP should call her aunt back and reprimand her for inviting her parents at all...after all, her father is one of the hosts as he is paying for 1/3 of the costs of the party. Cause, that is how it 'works'...I would bet that would go over really well.

 

[poohandwendy]

That is why people stopped caring about this stuff.

Exactly.

 

[sugarpie]

I, for the life of me, can't figure out why you even care. You were invited. The End.

If I had received that phone call you would not be getting any more invitations from me.

 

[poohandwendy]

I also can't imagine how enjoyable this anniversary party will be if their are such airs being put on over invitations...sheesh, this is FAMILY.

 

[Cool-Beans]

And how do you know what you think you know is THE right way?

Check out enough sources for this stuff and you get different answers, each claiming to be as correct and the other wroang.

That is why people stopped caring about this stuff.

That's because people who have to consult sources are reading things like Peggy Post.

If it is a serious question because you don't actually know and need something to consult, Miss Manners (Judith Martin) does a good job. Hope that helps.

 

[Florida_Mom]

I remember being 21 and always needing to be right but then I grew up and realized how little I knew .

...and we have a winner!

I remember getting upset about stupid stuff. Then I grew up. Had tons of disappointments in life, have had great times too, and all of that stuff gives one some perspective.

I remember being in grad school, getting an A- on a paper, and had to fly home that weekend for a wedding. I cried the whole way home. It was ridiculous! (And yes, I cried because I *thought* I should have had an A+! My professor was wrong! He didn't understand me! I was slighted!)

Good heavens. After emergency room visits with my kids, my best friend passing away due to cancer, changes in jobs, homes, etc, some things just seriously aren't worth even giving one second's thought to.

But I suppose that is something that one has to learn, or that some people (like I did) had to learn the hard way. Thankfully, now, I'm such a "live and let live" kind of person, that I can't believe I was ever any other way.

So, my take on this OP is to let it go. It's not worth it.

 

[Cool-Beans]

LOL, not in my neck of the woods. (re the first part, we issue invites based on who lives at the address- we are trash that way)

Then again, perhaps the OP should call her aunt back and reprimand her for inviting her parents at all...after all, her father is one of the hosts as he is paying for 1/3 of the costs of the party. Cause, that is how it 'works'...I would bet that would go over really well.

I'm not saying (or thinking) that anyone is trash.

It just really is a lot easier when everyone follows the same rules. Then people don't get offended for no reason, that's all. And people are offensive without trying to be. And everyone is happy. Or at least pretending to be, which is good enough.

 

[cardaway]

If it is a serious question because you don't actually know and need something to consult, Miss Manners (Judith Martin) does a good job. Hope that helps.

But again, that's just one source. Plenty of other opinions. Just because she came up with a catchy name for herself, it doesn't make her the only valid source.

And because of the conflicting sources, this is stuff that is better left in the past and nobody will miss it. If people want to obsess over tiny details that nobody can agree on, and are not at all important, pull out a Merchant Ivory period movie got nuts.

 

[poohandwendy]

I'm not saying (or thinking) that anyone is trash.

It just really is a lot easier when everyone follows the same rules. Then people don't get offended for no reason, that's all. And people are offensive without trying to be. And everyone is happy. Or at least pretending to be, which is good enough.

LOl, I wasn't trying to put that on you...just adding some humor to the thread

Unfortunately there are no hard and fast universal rules anymore because families have made their own 'rules' over time. So, it's almost impossible to say what is 'right' or 'wrong' in cases like this.