13 things not to say to your kids

[NFLDERS]

The one that rang true for me was "Because I said so".

What's interesting to m as a Grandparent when I hear that now I can understand why it "may" not be a good thing. Albeit, we ruled with a tougher love.

Any thoughts on these?


http://www.msn.com/en-ca/lifestyle/...hould-stop-saying-to-your-kids-now/ss-BBjvsKy

 

[Kogo Shuko]

I can see valid points in not saying these phrases, but I won't necessarily agree with some of the provided suggestions underneath.

Responding to "I hate you" with "I love you, anyway" will not always work, especially with an angsty teenager. And it certainly also depends on the tone you say it in. It can sometimes make the behaviour WORSE (judging from my own angsty teenage years lol).

And while I agree with not saying "Don't cry," there also comes a point where you need to teach your child how to control their emotions. It's one thing if they cry, it's another if they constantly have a breakdown over minor things, as they continue to grow. Instead of saying, "Don't cry," maybe slight nudges to teach them this is not the appropriate way to communicate your emotions if the behaviour is grandiose.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

When you're kids are young, I agree with all of these and add "When I was your age..."

When your kids are older and your relationship changes a bit and can talk to them like adults, I think some of these are useful. Like "Your ______ is an idiot."

 

[SEA333]

"You're Fine" - I say that All The Time.

"Shut Up" - used to be a bad word in my house....until my oldest turned about 12 LOL Not that I use it all the time, but it is pretty effective on occasion. This kid will debate to the ends of the earth that the sky is orange if he thinks it may help him get his way. Sometimes a "S! SHUT. UP!" is the only thing that works.

"Stop Crying" - seriously...who wants to listen to a kid carrying on about nothing? I get it that if a kid is crying, you have to get to the bottom of why, but some kids carry on for WAY to long. Oh, the drama!

Funny (not so much) story...my 9 year old's little league coach has a son on the team that cries about 15 times a practice. He literally breaks down in tears every time he misses a catch or a coach tries to coach him. They wanted to have him learn 1st base before the game the other day, so the dad was throwing to him and one of the other coaches was behind 1st base to catch the balls the kid missed or whatever. He was also coaching him on where to stand, how to reach out from the base without taking his foot off the bag, etc. Every single time the coach said anything or corrected him, the 10 year old started to whine/cry and finally the dad got mad and yelled "He is trying to HELP you! Stop your crying!"

In this case - TOTALLY called for.

A little later, the coach, the mom, and the 10 year old walked to the side, close to where DH and I were standing. The kid was crying - tears and everything. The dad was irritated, and so was the mom. She threatened that if he didn't stop they would take him home. The kid yelled - "I don't want to go home!" IMO, if this was my kid, I would say "Then quit the crying and get out there and behave yourself!"

The mom continued the conversation, and the kid kept crying.

Stop. Crying. - yes...a phrase totally on my list of "OK's"

ETA: This is coming from the perspective of a mom with teens/tweens. A lot of the article struck me as common sense things to NOT say to the preschool crew.

 

[SLP958]

I am guilty of "don't cry" and "your fine."

I don't feel bad about it at all.

 

[CdnCarrie]

When you're kids are young, I agree with all of these and add "When I was your age..."

When your kids are older and your relationship changes a bit and can talk to them like adults, I think some of these are useful. Like "Your ______ is an idiot."

This. Sorry but when you have 2 preteen boys roughhousing and being vulgar and you tell them to be quiet several times it's not rude for you husband to finally break down and bellow "shut up". LOL. Totally different scenario if you say it to your sweet 3 year old who is telling you long story.

 

[leebee]

While I don't think I ever used "because I said so," I KNOW I used "because I asked you to." I don't feel that I need to explain my requests to my kid all the time. "Please clear the table," doesn't need justification. The dirty dishes need to be taken to the kitchen, I cooked the meal, and I, in all likelihood, will be cleaning up after the meal. I am not going to justify and explain myself to a 9 year old all day long. Sometimes things need to be done because they need to be done. I'm not talking about unreasonable things here, but I'm also not going to argue with a kid over inane stuff. You need to do this because I asked you to.

 

[barkley]

I detest 'why can't you be like____________________?'. my mom did this w/me and one of my siblings, and all it did was create resentment towards that sib AND more so towards my mom.

sorry, but I have no problem w/ "because I said so". when the kiddos were younger I didn't need them to have a reason or explanation to do/not do something I perceived as unsafe. I find allot of younger kids use this as a negotiating/manipulation mechanism, and my son/many of his buddies on the autism spectrum will use it to get into a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG dissertation (not discussion w/ information shared back and forth-full blown dissertation) so we often default to 'because. period.'

 

[mom2AidanAndEli]

Honestly, I see nothing wrong with "Because I said so." I'm the parent, you're the child. If I tell you to do something, you do it. If I tell you to stop doing something, you stop. You don't question. Maybe that's not touchy-feely enough, but I still feel like sometimes it's appropriate.

I'm certainly said, "You're fine." True story. My then probably 3-year-old came running to me one day holding his index finger up in the air, grasping it with his other hand. Crying hysterically. "Look, look, I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding." There's red all over the finger. Yep, he had been coloring and got red marker all over his finger. He got a big, fat, "You're fine" for that one!

And also, "There's nothing to be afraid of." Same child, maybe a year later. I'm in the shower. Boys are playing in their playroom. All of a sudden, I hear screaming, I mean SCREAMING. Child running past the bathroom into my bedroom. I immediately jump out of the shower grab something to throw around me and run into the bedroom. Child is now hiding behind my bed, yelling, "Run, run, hide, hide, duck!" I'm trying to figure out what horrible monster is chasing him through the house. Finally get, "A bee, a bee." out of him. I go looking in the playroom. Yep, a house fly. Sorry if I traumatized him, but I told him it was nothing to be afraid of. Oh, and probably threw in a "you're fine" for good measure!

 

[scrapquitler]

I definitely don't have a problem with BECAUSE I SAID SO. I have made a decision for my child, and I have very good and perhaps even complicated reasons for having made the decision. Sometimes there are reasons that my child does not need to know or that she cannot possibly understand or that I simply do not wish to share with her that played into the decision.

 

[BellsFam]

While my mom never told me she hated me or to shut up, she did use pretty much every other phrase, except replace "when your father gets home" with "I'll make you go live with your father" (divorce and she meant business!)

And guess what, I turned into a normal human being...

 

[soccerdad72]

Seems like the only time I ever say "Because I said so" is after I've given about 8 different valid reasons why my son can't do something and he's still arguing that I need to give him a reason why not (because all of the other reasons I gave weren't good enough, apparently )

 

[DopeyDame]

Oh good golly.
I have a 3 year old and a 6 year old. I have absolutely told them "stop crying", "because I said so", and "you're fine." maybe they'll be in therapy for years and it's all my fault, but i accept that risk by being a mother.
In the meantime, when my 3 year old starts crying because she wants something her brother has (or whatever other scenario sends her into tears), I will continue to say "stop crying and use your words."
And after my 6 year old hasbeen told for the umpteen zillionth time to put away his lunch box, I will remind him that he has to do it because I said so. (or, "because I'm the mommy")

I also just don't even understand the "you're fine" one. Little kids need reassurance - they need to know mom and dad are there and taking care of them. When a little one falls (and isn't actually hurt) a big hug and a "you're fine! go play!" gets them out there running and having fun again, rather than feeding into a 10 minutes drama meltdown.

 

[elaine amj]

1. Here, I'll do it

2. Don't cry - a MUST with my DD who cries at the drop of a hat. Although, typically I will say - if you need to cry, that's fine. Just go to your room and come out when you're ready. (sadly, she NEVER takes me up on this!). I do agree with not saying "Don't Cry" when you're yelling at them about something. My DH will be scolding the kids for something and he gets sooooo irritated when they cry. I keep reminding him - they're getting a scolding, kinda natural to cry. (especially when he has escalated it to yelling at them and nagging endlessly).

3. Why can't you be more like...
I do agree with this one. My mom didn't do it much, but my relatives sure did. I am pretty careful even to avoid comparing my kids with each other. When they start comparing, I tell them that they're each different and that's completely ok.

4. You sure you want to eat that.

5. Wait until your ___ gets home.
OK. I admit, I have played this card before. Very rare though. Still, they know their father gets more upset about certain things.

6. You're fine.
If they are, then too me that's a nonchalant way to remind them that they really are fine and don't need to be major drama queens.

7. I promise.
I do avoid promising unless I know for sure.

8. Your ___ is an idiot.
In my house, "stupid" is an ok word. People aren't stupid, but people can also do some pretty stupid thing. I know in many houses, "stupid" is a bad word. Nobody is an idiot - except other drivers ROFL!

9. There's no reason to be scared

10. I hate you too.
Ugh - how could this ever be acceptable? I do admit I have occasionally told them, "I love you, but I sure don't like you a whole lot right now. Let's take a time out". (when they got older, the timeout was for me!)

11. Because I said so.
I did say so. Sometimes I say no just because and there's no big fancy reason. Sometimes there is a reason I don't want to get into. most of the time, it's because my son hasn't accepted the 100 other reasons I have trotted out for him.

12. I hope you have kids just like you.
I would only use this in a teasing manner - like when I tell DS all about his tantrums when he was a tiny tyke.

13. Shut up
My DH hates how rude this sounds so 99% of the time, I say "Be Quiet".

 

[powellrj]

I am going to guess it was written by someone who has never had children. Other than the I hate you, I think I have said all of these at some point.

 

[Lilliputian]

I agree that you probably shouldn't say any of these things every single time, but there are situations where they can be warranted. I have told my children that they were fine, that there was nothing to be afraid of, not to cry, and because I said so. I'll continue to say those things from time to time, but I'll won't say them all the time. Crying can be fine, but if it's done to try to get my attention and make me change my mind, I don't want to hear it.

I also think it's important to answer some of the "why's," but sometimes a child asks why as an act of defiance or questioning my authority. That is going to be met with a "because I said so."

And never telling them that they're fine? That's just weird. Sometimes they want to know if they're fine, and telling them that they are going to completely recover is reassuring.

I'm even going to tell them that I'll do something from time to time. Sometimes I tell them to do something and see that they really and truly aren't ready yet--not that they just need more practice. Sometimes I find that they aren't tall enough to do the job! I'm not going to wait for them to grow a few inches. I'm just going to do it.

 

[bedillamouse]

Because I said so ....that's in my book of regularly used phrases to my 8 year old future lawyer.....IF I didn't use this phrase I would be arguing non stop with her. I will give her an answer and explanation (short and concise) and will even repeat my answer one more time but then that's it. This girl will ask you the same question repeatedly.... if she doesn't like the answer she badgers you unrelenting. It's amazing and scary all at the same time. I have explained to both my kids that when I use that phrase it's because as their mother I am making decisions that are in their best interest and that's it. I guess I better put some more money in their future therapy jars...sigh.

 

[minkydog]

"Why can't you be more like ___________?" *le Sigh* My mother's go-to. I was a good kid, very approval-seeking, so I rarely acted out or did things that I knew would upset my parents. My grades were great, #8 in my HS class. Two college degrees. Didn't matter. They wanted "perfect", which, of course, I could not be. But it didn't stop them from taking every opportunity to remind me that I wasn't measuring up. I have made a point to NOT say this to my own children.

 

[MickeySP]

I do agree with most of these but

4. You sure you want to eat that.

Not because of weight, that would be cruel but when your kid wants to stuff a ghost pepper in his mouth - kinda appropriate.

11. Because I said so.

I put this with - MY house, My rules. If I have a rule that is pretty clear why do I need to explain myself to my 13 yo. I am not going into a diatribe about hygeine when asked why do I need to shower.

My DS once told me he was leaving since he didn't like "because I said so" I told him that was his decision but he could only take anything he bought himself, he was 16. Everything I bought stayed here including clothes. I relented I would let him takes his underwear since I didn't want him arrested. He stayed.

 

[elaine amj]

My DS once told me he was leaving since he didn't like "because I said so" I told him that was his decision but he could only take anything he bought himself, he was 16. Everything I bought stayed here including clothes. I relented I would let him takes his underwear since I didn't want him arrested. He stayed.

I am going to have to remember this one in case my kids ever try this on me!