12 year old 7th grader afraid in football....Do I allow him to quit

[HonestAbe]

Here's my take on it... he's only 12. He probably has a really good reason in his mind why he doesn't want to play. You may want to know, but he might not want to tell you. Maybe he's embarrassed or he got hurt or he's being teased. None of those reasons should really matter if this is the first time.

He's starting to learn what growing up to be a man is like. He will have to learn to make independent decisions and then learn there are good and bad consequences for all we choose to do. I'd sit him down, ask him if that's truly what his fear is or try to talk through it. But if he is truly afraid of being hurt, then he's not going to play to his full capacity and that will lead to him being hurt. He will become a weak point on the team, the other team will recognize it, his teammates will know it...and he may very well end up getting hurt because he's not giving his all.

I'd use this as a life lesson to say "sure you can quit this time...but the next time you sign up for an extracurricular activity, you will be committed and I won't let you quit without a really strong, logical reason."

In my humble opinion, this is a critical time for him to learn to cope with fear so he can face the challenges coming in the next few years and the rest of his life. Steven Tyler of Aerosmith said the most valuable lesson his mother ever taught him was to not be afraid...that the Ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic by the experts.

It it turns out to be a bully, that really sucks. I had a kid who bullied me through middle school and freshman year. Hardly saw him the rest of high school. Then in college I was walking through the mall with my wife...saw him with his wife...told my honey hang tight I'll be right back. He saw me and turned tail. He literally went and hid or ran out of the mall. Yeah...if I ever see him again he will get the beat down. I will be honorable and ask him if he wants in front of his family or shall we go somewhere private. Bullies always get their comeuppance.

 

[dolphindan1]

A little update and some more info.....

Let me clarify...This was a middle school team so there was no tryouts...I didnt make that clear...No one was cut...

I have been to 3 or 4 practices as has my wife but neither she nor I has been to all...The practices we have been too we have seen no wrong doing...As a matter of fact my son did pretty decent i thought for not really playing before...was he the best one out there no but not the worst...I did notice a bit of daddy ball but thats everywhere and really no part of this...

Also we had a scrimmage friday night, a jamboree where we only played 2 qtrs...My son didnt see the field....No issues there...I dont expect playing time...it should be earned...I am a Varsity baseball and JV basketball coach so I fully understand that...

Like I said I have seen a few practices and I thought the issue was he didnt know how to tackle or block...cause I really saw no instruction at practices...just the coaches running play after play after play....So I got him and big brother outside with helmet and shoulder pads on and had him walk into each other to show him how to tackle...His brother instructed also...we went through it about 20 times...then I had them do a light jog into a tackle...after 2 hits in light jog.....My son just starts tearing up and crys...I talk him down and he keeps going...I sped my oldest son up a little and he kept tackling him but was very timid....Which is understandable cause his brother is 6 foot 3 but I never let him go full speed and my oldest never lowered his shoulder to make contact...My youngest basically cried till I ended it....

I then brought him inside and sat him down and talked to him for about 30 mins....He basically said he is just scared to get hurt or hurt someone else...I told him he could get hurt in any sport...and I told him fear was ok as long as he didnt let it control him...that most everyone is afraid of something and until they conquer that fear it will always control them and make them miserable...I thne said I didnt want him to play football if he was gonna be miserable and hate it cause it would make for a long dreadful season...But I wanted him to give a few more practices and see if he could overcome that fear...if not then we would figure something out

He has expressed interest in golf...So I told him he could continue with his soccer and I would throw in some golf lessons to get ready for golf season if thats what he wanted to do...BUT we would not start quitting just cause it got hard...He said dont worry dad I love soccer and would never quit that...

So he gets up this morning and I ask if he is ready for football and he said no dreading it...I said OK just try your best today and see what happens...

My biggest concern...he is at a small school and the school has a rule that if you quit a sport you have to sit out the following sports season...So he would have to sit out basketball if he was to quit...I am sure its because of numbers...its a small private school but there are 25 kids on the football team so it shouldnt be a big concern if he decided not to play...

anyway....thanks for all the responses and for not bashing me too much...I fully expected to hear quit raising a wimpy kid and make him man up....

 

[PizzieDuster]

Yes, my father always told me that kick off returns were the worse for any player not wanting to hit. They get hit hard when they aren't looking and hesitating. He always told my boys never to turn your back on kick off / punt returns.

I did the same thing you did OP with my oldest son (he's 23 now). It was his first year in pop warner and he was so hesitant to hit. We still laugh about it to this day. We were in the entry way of our home. I kept trying to tell him he needs to hit before being hit. So I kept saying "hit me". And he would be all gentle. I said "HIT ME" And he knocked me on my butt ~ I'm a coach's daughter ~ {ROLL EYES}

Heck, if I was one of these boys, I wouldn't look to forward to practice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-RNz-vishA

 

[DopeyDame]

My son is 4, so I can't speak from experience, but it sounds like your son is REALLY uncomfortable with this. Since he hasn't played before, he probably didn't realize just how physical football is. I can easily see how a kid who wants to play golf and soccer wouldn't want to be on a football team - I think they have totally different personality traits required to be successful.
As many, many others have said, if he keeps playing when he's so hesitant and scared, he may very well get himself hurt. And no one wants that.
I really don't see the benefit of making him continue. And having to sit out basketball sounds like a really good lesson for him - there are consequences when you don't honor a commitment.

Sometimes it's is 100% worth paying those consequences when the commitment you made is one that just isn't right for you.

 

[HonestAbe]

A little update and some more info.....

anyway....thanks for all the responses and for not bashing me too much...I fully expected to hear quit raising a wimpy kid and make him man up....

Oh well in that case the boy should be beaten severely with a rubber hose. Just kidding!! It sounds like you're on the right track. You're making him think about the decision and trying to give it the attention it deserves.

But when my wife and I went into teaching, she clearly didnt want to do it. She talked to her father and he said you should give it one more year because of all the time and money invested in the education to become a teacher....just to be sure.

We both look back and agree that was a year of our lives completely wasted because of her father's influence.

Realize that you wield great great power over your son and he doesnt want to disappoint you. Who cares about a stupid rule the school has about the next year? If they are going to act like insolent children with their sports, let them.

It's like the time my old man made me eat peas for dinner when I was about 12. Right in front of him, my mother, brother and both sisters he forced me to eat them while I was crying...and within about 2 minutes I puked all over the dinner table. When I saw all over, I mean...ALL over it.

I never ate peas again. And he never asked or demanded.

Are you asking your boy to eat peas?

 

[wilkeliza]

A little update and some more info.....

Let me clarify...This was a middle school team so there was no tryouts...I didnt make that clear...No one was cut...

I have been to 3 or 4 practices as has my wife but neither she nor I has been to all...The practices we have been too we have seen no wrong doing...As a matter of fact my son did pretty decent i thought for not really playing before...was he the best one out there no but not the worst...I did notice a bit of daddy ball but thats everywhere and really no part of this...

Also we had a scrimmage friday night, a jamboree where we only played 2 qtrs...My son didnt see the field....No issues there...I dont expect playing time...it should be earned...I am a Varsity baseball and JV basketball coach so I fully understand that...

Like I said I have seen a few practices and I thought the issue was he didnt know how to tackle or block...cause I really saw no instruction at practices...just the coaches running play after play after play....So I got him and big brother outside with helmet and shoulder pads on and had him walk into each other to show him how to tackle...His brother instructed also...we went through it about 20 times...then I had them do a light jog into a tackle...after 2 hits in light jog.....My son just starts tearing up and crys...I talk him down and he keeps going...I sped my oldest son up a little and he kept tackling him but was very timid....Which is understandable cause his brother is 6 foot 3 but I never let him go full speed and my oldest never lowered his shoulder to make contact...My youngest basically cried till I ended it....

I then brought him inside and sat him down and talked to him for about 30 mins....He basically said he is just scared to get hurt or hurt someone else...I told him he could get hurt in any sport...and I told him fear was ok as long as he didnt let it control him...that most everyone is afraid of something and until they conquer that fear it will always control them and make them miserable...I thne said I didnt want him to play football if he was gonna be miserable and hate it cause it would make for a long dreadful season...But I wanted him to give a few more practices and see if he could overcome that fear...if not then we would figure something out

He has expressed interest in golf...So I told him he could continue with his soccer and I would throw in some golf lessons to get ready for golf season if thats what he wanted to do...BUT we would not start quitting just cause it got hard...He said dont worry dad I love soccer and would never quit that...

So he gets up this morning and I ask if he is ready for football and he said no dreading it...I said OK just try your best today and see what happens...

My biggest concern...he is at a small school and the school has a rule that if you quit a sport you have to sit out the following sports season...So he would have to sit out basketball if he was to quit...I am sure its because of numbers...its a small private school but there are 25 kids on the football team so it shouldnt be a big concern if he decided not to play...

anyway....thanks for all the responses and for not bashing me too much...I fully expected to hear quit raising a wimpy kid and make him man up....

I would just remind him that if he quits he has to sit out basketball and remind him these aren't my rules they are the school rules. Is his soccer team not school affiliated because I know in south TX Football is a fall sport and soccer is a spring sport. He needs to be aware that the school probably won't bend the rules for him if he quits even for a good reason.

 

[dolphindan1]

I would just remind him that if he quits he has to sit out basketball and remind him these aren't my rules they are the school rules. Is his soccer team not school affiliated because I know in south TX Football is a fall sport and soccer is a spring sport. He needs to be aware that the school probably won't bend the rules for him if he quits even for a good reason.

Its club soccer as the school doesnt offer it...

 

[sam_gordon]

A little update and some more info.....

Let me clarify...This was a middle school team so there was no tryouts...I didnt make that clear...No one was cut...

I have been to 3 or 4 practices as has my wife but neither she nor I has been to all...The practices we have been too we have seen no wrong doing...As a matter of fact my son did pretty decent i thought for not really playing before...was he the best one out there no but not the worst...I did notice a bit of daddy ball but thats everywhere and really no part of this...

Also we had a scrimmage friday night, a jamboree where we only played 2 qtrs...My son didnt see the field....No issues there...I dont expect playing time...it should be earned...I am a Varsity baseball and JV basketball coach so I fully understand that...

Like I said I have seen a few practices and I thought the issue was he didnt know how to tackle or block...cause I really saw no instruction at practices...just the coaches running play after play after play....So I got him and big brother outside with helmet and shoulder pads on and had him walk into each other to show him how to tackle...His brother instructed also...we went through it about 20 times...then I had them do a light jog into a tackle...after 2 hits in light jog.....My son just starts tearing up and crys...I talk him down and he keeps going...I sped my oldest son up a little and he kept tackling him but was very timid....Which is understandable cause his brother is 6 foot 3 but I never let him go full speed and my oldest never lowered his shoulder to make contact...My youngest basically cried till I ended it....

I then brought him inside and sat him down and talked to him for about 30 mins....He basically said he is just scared to get hurt or hurt someone else...I told him he could get hurt in any sport...and I told him fear was ok as long as he didnt let it control him...that most everyone is afraid of something and until they conquer that fear it will always control them and make them miserable...I thne said I didnt want him to play football if he was gonna be miserable and hate it cause it would make for a long dreadful season...But I wanted him to give a few more practices and see if he could overcome that fear...if not then we would figure something out

He has expressed interest in golf...So I told him he could continue with his soccer and I would throw in some golf lessons to get ready for golf season if thats what he wanted to do...BUT we would not start quitting just cause it got hard...He said dont worry dad I love soccer and would never quit that...

So he gets up this morning and I ask if he is ready for football and he said no dreading it...I said OK just try your best today and see what happens...

My biggest concern...he is at a small school and the school has a rule that if you quit a sport you have to sit out the following sports season...So he would have to sit out basketball if he was to quit...I am sure its because of numbers...its a small private school but there are 25 kids on the football team so it shouldnt be a big concern if he decided not to play...

anyway....thanks for all the responses and for not bashing me too much...I fully expected to hear quit raising a wimpy kid and make him man up....

Thank you for the update. Based on what you said of your experience when working with him outside of practice, I now agree "football isn't his sport".

But I still say instead of quitting the team (and then suffering the 'no basketball consequences'), can he move into a manager, statistician, or assistant trainer role? Would that satisfy the 'complete the season' school requirement.

I think it's time you and he sat down with the coach, explain the situation, and see what the coach thinks the options are.

 

[Mkrop]

Absolutely. Sometimes on this board I wonder what alternate reality I've stumbled into. Seems like none of the adult Dis'ers except you and I have ever started an activity and discovered it wasn't the right fit and walked away. Doesn't seem like OP's son has a history of blowing off his commitments so don't really see what lesson he needs to learn by being forced to play a sport that he has realized, fairly early into the season, he doesn't want to play. Some other kid will be delighted to have the chance to move up.

There might not be that kid waiting in the wings. DS15 goes to a small private HS, their freshman team was at the bare minumum with a few kids to spare if someone did get hurt.

There were many games that wound up being cancelled bc there were not enough freshman to play on the other teams due to injury. You need depth on the bench in football.

Maybe football is not the sport for him but I would also make sure he is not screwing over his whole team by dropping out. That would stink for the other players.

 

[cobright]

I wonder... How many of the people saying "I'd usually make a child stick it out, but not for football" would even allow their kids to play football in the first place? I can't help thinking that at least some of the double standard here - stick it out for orchestra or baseball or horseback riding, but not for football - is rooted in dislike of the sport in general or the perception that it is too dangerous for student-athletes.

If my kid comes back from karate or fencing and tells me she feels a fear of injury every time she participates, then hells no I'm not going to leverage guilt or sense of duty to get her to keep going.

Here's two ways to screw up your thinking but good: Normalize a high perception of risk in a relatively safe activity or normalize a low perception of risk in a dangerous environment.

This kid isn't saying he doesn't like football, he's saying he doesn't feel safe. In this case I think his feelings are warranted, but if he says the same thing about playing the trombone it justifies the same response. Just for different reasons.

 

[krnlmustrd]

Just this morning on the car radio I was listening to a story about a local high school football player killed by a broken neck during a game yesterday.

http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/story/23163304/creekside-player-dies-deantre-turman

There's no way I'd make a child play football if they didn't want to.

 

[AustinTink]

It's just a game, an extra-curricular activity, a hobby. Let the poor boy quit.

 

[LSmith]

.

 

[Colleen27]

My biggest concern...he is at a small school and the school has a rule that if you quit a sport you have to sit out the following sports season...So he would have to sit out basketball if he was to quit...I am sure its because of numbers...its a small private school but there are 25 kids on the football team so it shouldnt be a big concern if he decided not to play...

anyway....thanks for all the responses and for not bashing me too much...I fully expected to hear quit raising a wimpy kid and make him man up....

It sounds like you're doing everything you can. I'd be concerned about that policy too - it is stupid, IMO.

The lack of fundamentals sounds like it might be part of the problem. Even on my son's team, where most of the boys come in with at least 2 or 3 years of youth ball by the time they're trying out for the middle school team, they spend a lot of time on form and technique at the start of the season. Not knowing how to hit or take a hit does sound like a recipe for both fear and injury.

If toughing it out through a few more practices doesn't help him get a better feel for the game and conquer his fear, perhaps he could talk to the coach about whether or not they might be able to find some way for him to honor his commitment to the team without getting out on the field. Our program puts boys who lose their academic eligibility to work as water boys, taping the game for film review, and other sidelines duties. Maybe he could fill a similar role so that he can make it through the season without sacrificing his basketball eligibility.

 

[kellyg403]

I love football and played it. I don't think it's too dangerous. From my experience playing the game, I do think you're more likely to get hurt if you're out there playing tentatively, worrying about getting hurt or hurting someone else.

Agreed. I am a big lover of football, all my sons played football thru middle school. They decided going into high school to try cross country and wrestling. I was not a fan of them playing at first at all. But they enjoyed it. They never had a sports injury until my son broke his arm in wrestling.

But the safety/fear adds a bit for me. I agree that it is not a good game, with all the physical contact, if you are not in the game.

Just my opinion OP, but I would go to the school and assure yourself it isn't a bullying or some other situation. If it isn't I would let my son quit. Or as another person said, a different role on the field like statistician or whatever.

Kelly

 

[AllyBri]

Sometimes we just have to let go of all the "rules" that were placed on us and we place on our children and be a parent and just do the right thing. If this child quits football it will not in any way shape him as a person that he will be later in life.

 

[Dizneefamily+4]

I didn't read all the replies. But I too have a 12 year old 7th grader in football - we just started today. I have kind of the opposite problem. My ds is probably one of the littlest (if not THE littlest on the team.) He's 4'10" and due to ongoing stomach issues since infancy, he's 75 lbs soaking wet. He played flag football for years and has played tackle for the past 2 years. He loves it. This year is the 1st time they'll be playing other schools, not just teams made up of kids in his grade. I'm so afraid that they're going to run right through him like a tackling dummy or break him! We tried talking him into cross country (he runs 5 and 10Ks) or a fall baseball league (baseball is his favorite sport to play, but he usually plays in spring.)

He's not digging the fact that they will now have practice every week day until October. We too are of the opinion that once you've signed up, you play. However, in this case, we are giving him an out. We told him to go to practice this week (school - and thus games - doesn't start until Sept. 3) and if he still loves it, he plays. If he's feeling too "small" or like maybe it's not his sport anymore, he can switch to cross country and fall baseball.

Now, on to your question. Like I said, we too are old school. However, if he's truly afraid to play, I wouldn't make him. I'd let him quit. My ds has had kids on his team before who didn't want to play - dad was making them - and they were miserable. They were more at risk of getting hurt and they were definitely not an asset to the team. Seeing the attitude of those kids who were being forced by their parents to play made me realize that I'd never force my kids to play a sport that they no longer had the desire to play.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

[auntie]

He's 12. It's football. He doesn't like it. It's not the end of the world. He's a good kid and rather participate in another sport that he enjoys. Why make more of it than there is? Maybe he's savy enough to realize this isn't for him. Why force him to participate in something he's fearful of? Whatever the reason. He should listen to his gut..and so should his parents. Don't over think it, and don't loose sleep over it. You will have way more important things to contend with. This shouldn't be one of them. He's talking to you.. ...just listen.(even if it's not something you want to hear.)

 

[Nola Girl]

We had almost the same experience with DS except he was in 10th grade and already starting special teams on varsity. Suddenly refused to go to practice, afraid of injury etc. We forced him to finish the season. Turns out he was being bullied BIG TIME by a certain player (who now plays college for Texas A&M, So we are talking a big intimidating kid). DS did not admit it until we were watching A&M game on TV and we excitedly invited him to come watch his former teammate play. DS said " I hope somebody treats him the way he treated me and everyone else smaller than him--I hope they rip his head off...." We were shocked. DH and I felt terrible for forcing him to stay. Boys sometimes don't tell. Maybe let him quit .....

We did have a good ending as he joined the lacrosse team and made all district in 11th grade and all state in 12th grade.

 

["Got Disney"]

of a parent that has a teen that has played HS Freshman, JV and Varsity football and down...YES!!! and be glad that he wants to...another 16 y.o in Ga. this friday died in a scrimmage from a hit....

my son wanted to quit this year and I was more than glad to say YES!!! he had a few concussions and we even had a great helmet that we paid $400 for separate from the team/school helmets that were really good helmets...

my son was a center Linebacker.