Parents...make up your minds!

[NHdisneylover]

It's interesting what we pick up from these conversations. I think when you work with people, families and children, you start to develop sort of a "dictionary" of responses to interactions and what they may reveal about someone. Of course, these things are broad generalizations.

I'm sorry but I truly cannot understand what you are implying here--can you spell it out for me?
I would assume that if your line of work puts you in contact with families that need serious parenting help, neglected and abused children, etc that you would be LESS prone to want to encourage someone to "intervene" in such benign situations as the OP presents, not more. So please fill in the missing pieces for me. Thanks.

 

[SparklePixie]

It's normal to have these behaviors and it's also normal to have strong emotional responses to them. I don't see where the OP did anything wrong. We learn how to handle these things well as we get older. Of course she is going to be defensive. The key is the overall intention, which was socially appropriate and based on concern, and the resulting confusion and questioning of her own actions, which is based on empathy. So, I see no malice.

I see your point, but it is truly best for your dignity if you not try to argue or defend any position. This is about experiences and how they are interpreted and felt. There is never a right or wrong in that. Your intentions are right. Sometimes we have a difficult time seeing the bigger picture. That's how our thoughts and feelings go. So, I recommend you gracefully bow out of this chat. I am available to speak privately if you want.

That's exactly how most people behaved when they are confronted in a disrespectful way. There is a much more gentle and respectful way to confront people that acknowledges their talents, efforts, contributions, etc and asks open-ended questions like, "I understand you were frustrated when you took the child back to her mother. How do you think that could have gone better?" We question ourselves in many ways. Some subtle, some overt.

Do you think they started out that way or did you see an increase in anger/frustration/hostility as the thread went on? Because I think this follows the pattern of just about all personal threads in DIS: OP reveals something personal that exposes a vulnerability, other posters give advice, tell the OP how he or she is a variety of negative adjectives, OP gets defensive and tries to defend self, OP may discuss something about the precipitating event which was not revealed in the OP, starting a new line of posts suggesting the OP is a liar and is just trying to get attention, and on and on if the OP doesn't know how to gracefully exit.

It's interesting what we pick up from these conversations. I think when you work with people, families and children, you start to develop sort of a "dictionary" of responses to interactions and what they may reveal about someone. Of course, these things are broad generalizations.

What in the world are you talking about? OP started a thread touting her superiority as a parent, even though she isn't one. She was called on it and she got pissy because we are either a bunch of meanies or awful parents.

 

[littleblackegg]

I'm sorry but I truly cannot understand what you are implying here--can you spell it out for me?
I would assume that if your line of work puts you in contact with families that need serious parenting help, neglected and abused children, etc that you would be LESS prone to want to encourage someone to "intervene" in such benign situations as the OP presents, not more. So please fill in the missing pieces for me. Thanks.

It makes me acutely aware of why some adults are able to assess benign situations with children accurately and without alarm, and some adults see danger, have fear and have a heightened sense of vigilance. So, it was my recommendation that the OP pass the concerns up to managers, police officers, security officers. It's a safe way to have confidence that one has indeed "did something" without the stresses and confusion and anger of direct interaction.

 

[mom2rtk]

It makes me acutely aware of why some adults are able to assess benign situations with children accurately and without alarm, and some adults see danger, have fear and have a heightened sense of vigilance. So, it was my recommendation that the OP pass the concerns up to managers, police officers, security officers. It's a safe way to have confidence that one has indeed "did something" without the stresses and confusion and anger of direct interaction.

You're recommending that someone "do something" because they see a child sitting at a table in the food court while mom is getting the food?

 

[littleblackegg]

What in the world are you talking about? OP started a thread touting her superiority as a parent, even though she isn't one. She was called on it and she got pissy because we are either a bunch of meanies or awful parents.

Yeah. I wish I could briefly and cogently explain what I was talking about again. I think some of us are, by virtue of our training or careers or just regular old empathy, are able to see nuances in human communications. We all interpret things differently, and it sounds like you felt judged and it made you angry. I have respect for that.

 

[littleblackegg]

You're recommending that someone "do something" because they see a child sitting at a table in the food court while mom is getting the food?

I'm recommending someone who feels overwhelmed and may not be able to make the best judgements pass the responsibility of "doing something" on to another person with more authority and more experience. That way, children who are just fine and have nothing going on like being lost or abandoned can just care on after a security guard or manager checks on them (or decides they don't need checking on). It removes the element of crisis.

 

[disykat]

I too am having trouble seeing why on earth people are so upset at the OP. Sensitive much? Maybe looking at what is making you so sensitive about this issue would be a good idea?

To me, it's a no brainer to wonder why on earth people would leave kids alone in a store if you don't want store personal talking to them. Same with the other examples. If you are going to "helicopter parent," you need to be in the helicopter. Letting your kids roam free and then being upset when they encounter strangers is odd.

The whole point of this thread was the mixed message, not about judging one way or the other.

 

[mom2rtk]

I'm recommending someone who feels overwhelmed and may not be able to make the best judgements pass the responsibility of "doing something" on to another person with more authority and more experience. That way, children who are just fine and have nothing going on like being lost or abandoned can just care on after a security guard or manager checks on them (or decides they don't need checking on). It removes the element of crisis.

So it's ok to call authorities on a parent who didn't do anything wrong as long as it makes the person doing something feel better?

I think anyone making that call has a very real responsibility to evaluate the situation carefully before sounding the alarm, even if it stresses them out.

 

[littleblackegg]

So it's ok to call authorities on a parent who didn't do anything wrong as long as it makes the person doing something feel better?

I think anyone making that call has a very real responsibility to evaluate the situation carefully before sounding the alarm, even if it stresses them out.

I do not understand how you are applying such simplistic descriptions to very complex human interactions. I AGREE with you on the premise that most circumstances involving children are benign and require NO intervention. NONE. Nada. Some people assess danger inappropriately, and see danger everywhere. Those people must gradually be taught how to "dial down" their responses or they overreact to everything. They are taught to bring concerns to other people who can cope better.

 

[Allison]

So it's ok to call authorities on a parent who didn't do anything wrong as long as it makes the person doing something feel better?

I think anyone making that call has a very real responsibility to evaluate the situation carefully before sounding the alarm, even if it stresses them out.

I completely agree. I don't care if someone has troubling coping. You don't call the authorities on someone because of your issues.

 

[littleblackegg]

I completely agree. I don't care if someone has troubling coping. You don't call the authorities on someone because of your issues.

Precisely. And we can teach you how to manage that behavior.

 

[mom2rtk]

I do not understand how you are applying such simplistic descriptions to very complex human interactions. I AGREE with you on the premise that most circumstances involving children are benign and require NO intervention. NONE. Nada. Some people assess danger inappropriately, and see danger everywhere. Those people must gradually be taught how to "dial down" their responses or they overreact to everything. They are taught to bring concerns to other people who can cope better.

Sorry to confuse you with my "simplistic" descriptions.

I don't care what their issues are. They need to deal with it themselves instead of involving authorities in my business when there is not a clearcut reason to do so.

 

[mom2rtk]

Precisely. And we can teach you how to manage that behavior.

You've lost me.

Who are you teaching to do what?

And who is "we"?

 

[Allison]

Precisely. And we can teach you how to manage that behavior.

You are the one who said earlier people should pass their concerns on to other like a police officer because of their lack of coping skills. It's certainly not their job to teach someone how to manage their behavior if they don't know how to handle a child sitting at a table. That take valuable time away from real issues they have to deal with.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I was a much better parent before I had kids too.

This comment wins the thread lol.

 

[littleblackegg]

You are the one who said earlier people should pass their concerns on to other like a police officer because of their lack of coping skills. It's certainly not their job to teach someone how to manage their behavior if they don't know how to handle a child sitting at a table. That take valuable time away from real issues they have to deal with.

I did not say people. I said the OP. People who have a difficult time assessing danger should let another person do it. Not because of a lack of coping skills, but because assessing risks accurately is a learned skill. Look, I was trying to get perspective and share it. If that makes me look like I am arguing or disagreeing, I am deeply sorry for the offense.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I did not say people. I said the OP. People who have a difficult time assessing danger should let another person do it. Not because of a lack of coping skills, but because assessing risks accurately is a learned skill. Look, I was trying to get perspective and share it. If that makes me look like I am arguing or disagreeing, I am deeply sorry for the offense.

Can I ask what you do for a living? You don't have to answer if you're uncomfortable.

 

[littleblackegg]

Sorry to confuse you with my "simplistic" descriptions.

I don't care what their issues are. They need to deal with it themselves instead of involving authorities in my business when there is not a clearcut reason to do so.

Can I ask what you do for a living? You don't have to answer if you're uncomfortable.

I am a psychiatric RN. I have several areas in which I work: forensics, adult acute care, substance dependance, and kids/adolescents. Since I am partially retired, I do a lot of consulting work for the court.

 

[CDoobee]

Hello Cijay, you can call me CDoobee. Pleased to meet you. I understood what you were saying in your first post! And so, I totally agree with the quoted posts below!

Good grief. I'm totally on cijay's side here. She gave 3 examples of really weird parenting IMO.

If you aren't comfortable with your child being approached by a store employee, don't leave them alone in a store.

Supervise your child on an escalator by being with them to help them if they get in trouble. Watching them die from the top won't do a thing.

If you don't want strangers to talk to your child, don't leave them out of your sight line in public places.

Best post here!

I too am having trouble seeing why on earth people are so upset at the OP. Sensitive much? Maybe looking at what is making you so sensitive about this issue would be a good idea?

To me, it's a no brainer to wonder why on earth people would leave kids alone in a store if you don't want store personal talking to them. Same with the other examples. If you are going to "helicopter parent," you need to be in the helicopter. Letting your kids roam free and then being upset when they encounter strangers is odd.

The whole point of this thread was the mixed message, not about judging one way or the other.

 

[Allons-y!]

Littleblackegg, I'm trying to understand your posts. I *think" you are are saying that the OP appears to be someone who has difficulty assessing actual danger, at least to children, so she should therefore refer her concerns about what she perceived as an unattended child to someone higher in authority. Is that correct?