BD party vent-was my neighbor out of line?

[mjkacmom]

First, neighbor was wrong to invite her, and you were right to let her stay. However, if she stays with grandma on the weekends, she is a neighborhood kid, so if you invited all of the neighborhood kids to the party, and excluded her, that's wrong. Honestly, she sounds like a typical 11 year old girl. The amount of exclusion that goes on up at school with the 5th and 6th grade girls is NUTS. Plus all of the instagram photos and group texts... Thank goodness we're almost done with this phase (I've found thinkgs get back to normal in high school). So her saying "you can't play with us" wouldn't phase me at all (I'd just say, yes he can). I'm assuming she's had a troubled life, if she's living with grandma on weekends. As for playing with gas, heck, when ds17 was in 6th grade, a bunch of boys had to be taken to the police station, because they were building bombs on the elementary school lawn! Boys do tend to get into more trouble than girls.

Also, you state that your dd9 likes the girl, yet she didn't want her to be invited? Could you have suggested not inviting her?

 

[Disneyland1084]

First, neighbor was wrong to invite her, and you were right to let her stay. However, if she stays with grandma on the weekends, she is a neighborhood kid, so if you invited all of the neighborhood kids to the party, and excluded her, that's wrong. Honestly, she sounds like a typical 11 year old girl. The amount of exclusion that goes on up at school with the 5th and 6th grade girls is NUTS. Plus all of the instagram photos and group texts... Thank goodness we're almost done with this phase (I've found thinkgs get back to normal in high school). So her saying "you can't play with us" wouldn't phase me at all (I'd just say, yes he can). I'm assuming she's had a troubled life, if she's living with grandma on weekends. As for playing with gas, heck, when ds17 was in 6th grade, a bunch of boys had to be taken to the police station, because they were building bombs on the elementary school lawn! Boys do tend to get into more trouble than girls.

Also, you state that your dd9 likes the girl, yet she didn't want her to be invited? Could you have suggested not inviting her?

No, I asked DD if she wanted to invite her and she said no. We didn't invite all the neighborhood kids, only her classmates and others that she's friend's with.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, you did the right thing. I will add that at the SLIGHTEST hint of drama, mean-ness, or misbehavior, then the girl would have been sent back home to Grandma.

I agree with the poster who said that, YES, this neighbor was out of line.
If there are some very big differences in the way you see things, and this neighbor does not observe acceptable boundary lines.
Then, it is up to you to deal with it from your end.
Maybe re-think the relationship and the level to which you are involved.
This isn't about pointing fingers. That is not going to improve any situation at all.

Something tells me, by reading the comment, "the girl was on my ***** list.". That language, etc...
There is a lot of drama and immaturity going on here with all involved. Not just the neighbor.

ALSO: While the kind of information and insight offered by the one poster is probably good and valid.
I do also kind of see the psychobabble.
The youngest mean-girl/bully I have encountered was three, yes THREE years old.
I can clearly remember taking my son to her 4th birthday party.
YOWZA.... it was incredible to watch her in action.

While I am huge on developmental stuff.
As I have a son with some learning disabilities and developmental stuff.
I will say that 100%, from the very beginning, YEARS before the age of eleven, people are who they are.

Yes, some can grow from that in a more positive or negative direction...
But, that is not my responsibility.

 

[cbellasmomma]

That's ridiculous. Your neighbor should have never invited her regardless of how she has ever acted in the past. My dd is 9 and knows there are some parties she isn't invited to for a variety of reasons. Now that she is older we talk about how much it costs to throw a party and why we can only have so many kids. And if this girl isn't even friends with your younger dd then your neighbor had an easy out if she felt uncomfortable. Wrong wrong wrong. And you handled it very well.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Definitely not. Most of the parents of the kids at the party yesterday forbid her to even be around their kid and their home. My DD told me a few weeks ago she did NOT want to invite this bully, and she only invited her class. This bully doesn't live in the neighborhood, and only visits her grandma on the weekends.


And to everyone that's asking me what you do at a Hunger Games party, I really haven't got a clue. All I know is you get in different districts and fight. I never watched the full movie. I couldn't get into it. My mom did all the planning, I just helped with it.

There's been a few Hunger Games parties here to. The kids play Hunger games in the neighborhood too. It's basically like playing cops&robbers or war type games.
When they first started doing it, I thought it was really odd but they haven't read the books or watched the movies so they don't really understand what it's really all about.

 

[Disneylover99]

There's been a few Hunger Games parties here to. The kids play Hunger games in the neighborhood too. It's basically like playing cops&robbers or war type games.
When they first started doing it, I thought it was really odd but they haven't read the books or watched the movies so they don't really understand what it's really all about.

I wonder how this would catch on as a birthday theme if the kids haven't watched the movies or read the books?
Maybe "Game of Thrones" parties will be the next trend.

 

[wysterial]

Not poor as in $$$$$

poor is awe poor thing.

She is 11, and according to the op, doesn't have the best home environment.

She might deserve it, but then again it just might be the over drama of kids trying to exclude someone, or grown-up labeling.

"bully children" need love and rules. ei.. we have a not nice girl that hangs out at the house, with the pack of girls that hang here.

She knows the rules at our house, if she is acting up she goes home, but can come back and try again.

The other parents in the area wouldn't allow her over, because she can be nasty. Which IMHO is wrong. The funny thing is she hardly mean at my house or when Im around. But then again I have know this child from pre-school and she is 13 now and I wouldn't put up with her bad behavior.

I'm sorry, but I disagree with you. A bully in our community became more aggressive as she got older and her tactics wereresponsible for another teenager committing suicide. Bullying should not be tolerated.

 

[lauradis]

I'm sorry, but I disagree with you. A bully in our community became more aggressive as she got older and her tactics wereresponsible for another teenager committing suicide. Bullying should not be tolerated.

I agree with you it should never be tolerated, it should be corrected, by every adult that child comes into contact with, all the while protecting your own child from the bully.

 

[Laura66]

lol the age of is normally from 7-12, to learn social behavior. I find meaningless psychobabble interesting.

I also think adults shouldn't bully children, because they haven't learned to behave. I think they should teach them how to behave instead of just labeling them and pushing them aside.

This times a million!!

 

[wysterial]

The biggest problem I have is people using excuses for bad behavior. People, children included, make choices about how they will behave. I'm not saying that it's easy for kids, but I just don't think the "victim of circumstances" works. If that were true every child of abuse would become an abuser.

 

[Laura66]

You know! We see all these stories on the news about children having birthday parties that no ones attends because the birthday kids have some sort of social dosorder. Everyone is (here included) up in arms about how mean the classmates and their parents are because no one attends!
Well, most of those kids have anger issues and boundary issues because of their disorders.
Maybe that's what this girl has - maybe not. Was your neighbor and the girl out of line? Sure.
But I'll continue to be in the camp that says you don't invite everyone except one. That's hurtful.
I'd continue to invite her over - and send her home when she does not follow my house rules. But that's just me.

 

[Bluestars]

The neighbor was wrong by inviting someone to your daughter's party. A person has the right to decide what guest list they want for their child's party and shouldn't be forced to host someone they don't want there. I would probably not invite the neighbor's kid to the next party for fear of her doing it again. That's unacceptable in my book. As far as the bully, no child should feel like they have to invite a bully to their birthday party. That's ridiculous. If a kid is mean, then there are consequences. One of those consequences is that people won't put up with that behavior for very long.

 

[lauradis]

The biggest problem I have is people using excuses for bad behavior. People, children included, make choices about how they will behave. I'm not saying that it's easy for kids, but I just don't think the "victim of circumstances" works. If that were true every child of abuse would become an abuser.

Actually the percentage is pretty high. Same thing with all learned child behaviors, and class status etc.

Her bad behavior has no excuse, but im sure there are factors that play into her reactions to other.

It really flooring me how everyone can be against bullying, but they basically want to bully the bully.

 

[Hrhpd]

And to everyone that's asking me what you do at a Hunger Games party, I really haven't got a clue. All I know is you get in different districts and fight. I never watched the full movie. I couldn't get into it. My mom did all the planning, I just helped with it.

My curiosity is piqued. What kind of party games did your Mom plan for 9 year olds that included fighting each other? How did they enact the fighting and how was the winner declared. This really is curiosity and not snark.

 

[MSLRAC]

I agree with you it should never be tolerated, it should be corrected, by every adult that child comes into contact with, all the while protecting your own child from the bully.

Seriously, every adult that comes in contact with a bully should correct them? Good luck with that!

 

[barkley]

You know! We see all these stories on the news about children having birthday parties that no ones attends because the birthday kids have some sort of social dosorder. Everyone is (here included) up in arms about how mean the classmates and their parents are because no one attends!
Well, most of those kids have anger issues and boundary issues because of their disorders.
Maybe that's what this girl has - maybe not. Was your neighbor and the girl out of line? Sure.
But I'll continue to be in the camp that says you don't invite everyone except one. That's hurtful.
I'd continue to invite her over - and send her home when she does not follow my house rules. But that's just me.

I don't want to spin this thread off topic, but I just feel the need to say that while "most" kids w/social disorders may have boundary issues it really does these kids a disservice to say that 'most' have anger issues as well. some do, some don't. what's been my experience w/a kid w/ a social disorder (due to autism) along w/countless kids/parents/researchers/practicing professionals we've encountered in group therapy/parent support groups/conferences is- when someone gets labeled (rightly or not) as having an 'anger issue' they are viewed w/avoidance and fear b/c people look to the traditional definition of anger (verbal and physical outbursts/actions towards others) vs. what is often the more common form in these kids-social isolation, self inflicting behaviors (self hurting), depression, and at the extreme-suicide (recent studies have shown that the rate of suicide contemplation/attempts among these kids is 28 TIMES higher than among neurotypical counterparts).

not every 'bully' is angry, not every angry kid is a bully. anger takes different shapes and forms and sometimes it IS in the best interest to avoid contact w/ a person prone to the type of anger that makes you fearful/uncomfortable for your self/family-but don't just assume and throw a blanket anger diagnosis on most people w/social disorders.

 

[aaarcher86]

Actually the percentage is pretty high. Same thing with all learned child behaviors, and class status etc.

Her bad behavior has no excuse, but im sure there are factors that play into her reactions to other.

It really flooring me how everyone can be against bullying, but they basically want to bully the bully.

I don't find distancing myself or children from a bully as bullying.

 

[lauradis]

Seriously, every adult that comes in contact with a bully should correct them? Good luck with that!

why not... it is easier to just say not my problem...protect my children... and what wait, hope they move, grow out of it on their own, don't cause another child to kill themselves, or worst yet shoot up a school or cause someone else too.

Sticking your head in the sand and ignoring social issues around you is never a good plan for life.

 

[aaarcher86]

why not... it is easier to just say not my problem...protect my children... and what wait, hope they move, grow out of it on their own, don't cause another child to kill themselves, or worst yet shoot up a school or cause someone else too.

Sticking your head in the sand and ignoring social issues around you is never a good plan for life.

I don't have time or energy to parent everyone else's kids.

 

[mousehockey37]

why not... it is easier to just say not my problem...protect my children... and what wait, hope they move, grow out of it on their own, don't cause another child to kill themselves, or worst yet shoot up a school or cause someone else too.

Sticking your head in the sand and ignoring social issues around you is never a good plan for life.

This is a gray area. How to stop bullying? Do you yourself take on the bully? Get someone else? Go to the parent of the bully?

This is a touchy subject that there's no answer to. If you choose to act, that bully can go home and say you did A, B, C and in fact you didn't do anything... That can bring about harassment lawsuits, child endangerment lawsuits, lawsuits, lawsuits, lawsuits...

Pertaining to this thread and the OP, I would've looked at the parent of the friend who invited the bully and said.. "Well, this wasn't your party to plan, that kid wasn't invited, so now YOU can take your kid and the bully, home."