Are all men picky daters?

[niceblueeyedgirl]

Let me introduce myself. I didn't want to be seen as pitiful, so I did create an alternate game. I hope you guys understand. I am a young single female. I have a lot of really nice qualities, and at the risk of sounding like a braggart, I won't list them. But, they are good! I consider myself a pretty person, and have been told so. I'm not stunning, but I am no hag either. I am on the chubby/overweight side, but am by no means obese or morbidly so. And, I know that chubby girls face an uphill battle when it comes to men, but I also know different people like different things.

I have had little success in the real life dating scene, so I was coerced to try some online dating sites. Well, I feel more disheartened and hopeless now than I've ever felt in the real world. I have messaged, winked, liked, a combination of hundreds of men. Men of all shapes, sizes, colors, and creeds. My response rate is disappointingly low. I have tried many different sites: Christian ones, match.com, eHarmony, etc etc. I find myself with the same frustrating non-responses.

Here is my beef. If you could see the list of men I've messaged, you would see....they are not the Brad Pitts of the world. They are not the hottest men on the site. They are perfectly average men. More often than not, they are men with some extra weight themselves. Some are even very overweight, but seem nice enough, so why not give them a chance? Imagine how shocked I am when I see a 300 lb man whose preference is Slender or Athletic and toned. And even those who don't indicate a preference don't reply to me. Now, I think I'm great. But, if I am not good enough for chubby men...clearly something is wrong.

Has anyone had experience with men's psyche, as far as what they desire in women, how someone who doesn't meet these expectations stands a chance, what a girl like me can do?

 

[lisaviolet]

And, I know that chubby girls face an uphill battle when it comes to men

Well, I'm not a man.

But please let this one go because I don't think it's remotely true.

Just as an example, Ricki Lake has often said that she never went without male attention before she lost all of her weight. So of course it's not everyone's thought process/desire but nothing is when it comes to attraction.

 

[kimblebee]

Look at your own attitude...if I'm not even good enough for a chubby guy... You think chubby guys should have lower standards.

 

[Starbrite]

I know this doesn't answer any of your questions but.... keep in mind, I'm willing to bet at least 80% of those men will never get your message. Unless you have a paid & current account, you can't read messages
A lot of people go on, set up their free account and get discouraged when they don't get any response.


I met my BF on Match.com a year ago.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Do you have flattering picture of yourself on there and more than one of them? Men are all about the pictures...

 

[etoiles]

mmackeymouse, is that you? I remember your other threads. I hope everything is going okay.

 

[niceblueeyedgirl]

Thanks for all your replies!

Well, I'm not a man.

But please let this one go because I don't think it's remotely true.

Just as an example, Ricki Lake has often said that she never went without male attention before she lost all of her weight. So of course it's not everyone's thought process/desire but nothing is when it comes to attraction.

I know! That's why I didn't say it is completely impossible. I know it's not impossible. But, it is well documented that men are visual creatures. And, there have been much more men with this in their profiles: "I prefer for a woman to take care of herself and not be overweight" than "I find beauty in women of all shapes and sizes."

Not to mention my real-life experience with guys who have said some very vile things. One of which said the following: "I can deal with a girl that is butt ugly as long as she's not fat."

Again, it's not impossible.....but I think it IS fair to say it's a little bit harder for overweight women than for those of thinner sizes.

Look at your own attitude...if I'm not even good enough for a chubby guy... You think chubby guys should have lower standards.

That's not what I meant at all. I was raised and taught that....you never desire or expect more than what you have to offer yourself. If you want someone that is drop dead gorgeous...you yourself should be as attractive as you can possibly be. Now, this isn't to say that skinny people and chubby people can't be together or intelligent people and unintelligent or athletic and non-athletic. I'm not saying that at all.

I just remember my mom sitting down and having a very serious conversation with me about expectations. If you only have a bachelor's degree, it is unfair to expect the guy to have a doctorate. If you have jacked up teeth, it is unfair to expect the guy to have perfectly white, straight teeth. If you have some extra pounds, it is unfair to expect the guy to be slim and trim.

The point was to show me how important it is to be open to all kinds of men to be interested in. I guess I figured other people kind of abide by the same principle. Not that they should have lower standards....just that maybe they would be more open-minded themselves.

I know this doesn't answer any of your questions but.... keep in mind, I'm willing to bet at least 80% of those men will never get your message. Unless you have a paid & current account, you can't read messages
A lot of people go on, set up their free account and get discouraged when they don't get any response.


I met my BF on Match.com a year ago.

Congrats!

Yeah, I knew coming into this that the response rate would be tough, with not knowing who is a paying member and what not. That said, I view by people online, and activity date. And nearly all the people I message view me right away. They just...don't respond.

But, like I said, I was expecting a 10% response rate. I thought that was pretty reasonable expectations. What I am getting is more like a 1% response rate. Which....anyway you slice it.....can be disheartening.

Do you have flattering picture of yourself on there and more than one of them? Men are all about the pictures...

I think they are flattering. They are pictures that friends have told me are good. I have like 8 or 9 pictures. And, yes, they are the best pictures I got.

 

[DawnM]

I don't think this is a wrong attitude.

When I tried a dating site for a brief period before I met DH, I ran into a lot of odd expectations on the part of the guys.

Guys who didn't go to college expected to marry girls who did.

Guys who were short expected to date girls who weren't.

Or if girls didn't measure up to a certain physical standard they were dismissed.

Now, back to OP, these sites have guys who only see a photo. You really can't date that way. You need to get to know the person.

I admit there are certain physical types that are not attractive to me, and yet, I can also point out guys who fit those physical types who made me find them attractive because of other outstanding characteristics they had once I got to know them.

You need to find another way to meet men.

Dawn

Look at your own attitude...if I'm not even good enough for a chubby guy... You think chubby guys should have lower standards.

 

[lauradis]

Men are visual first, then into substance of you.

Most of mentioned dating sites are know cheater sites.

If you don't have full membership it's very hard to communicate.

Lots of men like real looking woman, oh and confidence in their looks is big plus.

Basically looks is what attracts them first then the real you is what keeps them coming back for more.

 

[lisaviolet]

Thanks for all your replies!
Again, it's not impossible.....but I think it IS fair to say it's a little bit harder for overweight women than for those of thinner sizes.

Go back to your own quote. You didn't say it's a little bit harder. You said uphill battle. Two very different statements.

Sigh.

Immediately, I too was going to ask about the older man at church but thought well - who knows. So good luck to you. I tried to give honest help/advice on your last thread and either it was completely ignored or argued with. Enough said.

 

[elaine amj]

It's very true that men are visual.

Perhaps look for another way to meet men so that appearances aren't the "criteria" used? Also, what about changing your focus from what you can be to the guy to looking for just the right fit for you? Or maybe just making friends for now and if you click with someone, you do. Take some of the pressure off yourself.

Are there other ways you can meet men? Preferably in your community so they are local. What about volunteering. Working together on committees, etc provides a lot of common interest topics. What about joining something like the Rotary Club as a general place to meet a lot of people or else more focused special interest groups?

Hope all goes well for you!

 

[sugahjunior]

Let me introduce myself. I didn't want to be seen as pitiful, so I did create an alternate game. I hope you guys understand. I am a young single female. I have a lot of really nice qualities, and at the risk of sounding like a braggart, I won't list them. But, they are good! I consider myself a pretty person, and have been told so. I'm not stunning, but I am no hag either. I am on the chubby/overweight side, but am by no means obese or morbidly so. And, I know that chubby girls face an uphill battle when it comes to men, but I also know different people like different things.

I have had little success in the real life dating scene, so I was coerced to try some online dating sites. Well, I feel more disheartened and hopeless now than I've ever felt in the real world. I have messaged, winked, liked, a combination of hundreds of men. Men of all shapes, sizes, colors, and creeds. My response rate is disappointingly low. I have tried many different sites: Christian ones, match.com, eHarmony, etc etc. I find myself with the same frustrating non-responses.

Here is my beef. If you could see the list of men I've messaged, you would see....they are not the Brad Pitts of the world. They are not the hottest men on the site. They are perfectly average men. More often than not, they are men with some extra weight themselves. Some are even very overweight, but seem nice enough, so why not give them a chance? Imagine how shocked I am when I see a 300 lb man whose preference is Slender or Athletic and toned. And even those who don't indicate a preference don't reply to me. Now, I think I'm great. But, if I am not good enough for chubby men...clearly something is wrong.

Has anyone had experience with men's psyche, as far as what they desire in women, how someone who doesn't meet these expectations stands a chance, what a girl like me can do?

Hi mmackeymouse. Sorry to hear that the dating game is not getting any easier for you. Never lose hope. Every day is a new day. Pixie dust to you.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

mmackeymouse, is that you? I remember your other threads. I hope everything is going okay.

That is who I thought wrote this thread too, just from looking at the title of the post.

 

[NHdisneylover]

mmackeymouse, is that you? I remember your other threads. I hope everything is going okay.

This is also the poster I immediately thought of. The writing style/feel is pretty much identical.

OP--if, by some chance, you are NOT that poster, look up mmackeymouse's old threads and read through a few of them. Maybe you can pick up on the vibe or feel of the posts if it is coming from someone else other than yourself.

I assure you that even your very short initial post has that same feel to it--and it is not a pleasant feel. I think to most men it would come off as "whiny" and "needy" I do NOT say that to be cruel (tough I am sure it stings ) but to point out to you where the problem likely lies. I doubt it has anything to do with your weight (other than how that might be a part of the self esteem issues that are coming through in the tone overall) and everything to go with the attitude which comes across so strongly in your "voice."
Also look at the attitude you have towards the men you are messaging--it really is not positive. WHY would someone want to respond to a person who sees them as "not attractive but hey why not give them a chance anyway since I am desperate?"--which is pretty much what you are saying.

Do you have a truly good friend who could be totally candid and honest with you (and you will not get angry with them) and help you write somethign that does not sound like this? That may help with initial contacts--but be ware that once they contact you if that tone comes through in your responses, they will likely be gone again--so I really suggest getting some counseling and working on being comfortable with who you are (I imagine you will say you ARE, but clearly you are very concerned with your weight for one thing) BEFORE you look for "validation" from men.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I just remember my mom sitting down and having a very serious conversation with me about expectations. If you only have a bachelor's degree, it is unfair to expect the guy to have a doctorate. If you have jacked up teeth, it is unfair to expect the guy to have perfectly white, straight teeth. If you have some extra pounds, it is unfair to expect the guy to be slim and trim.

The point was to show me how important it is to be open to all kinds of men to be interested in. I guess I figured other people kind of abide by the same principle. Not that they should have lower standards....just that maybe they would be more open-minded themselves.

.

I also think it is really important to NOT expect others to react/act/think just like you do. If you are the poster I (and others) think you are--this is a trend, and it is not a good one and it not at all helpful to your cause.

But, more importantly, what you are saying here is that you do no see yourself as being a very desirable looking person and that you do not see the men you are contacting as desirable looking either. Who wants to be with someone who does't think they are desirable?

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I just remember my mom sitting down and having a very serious conversation with me about expectations. If you only have a bachelor's degree, it is unfair to expect the guy to have a doctorate. If you have jacked up teeth, it is unfair to expect the guy to have perfectly white, straight teeth. If you have some extra pounds, it is unfair to expect the guy to be slim and trim.

Your MOTHER is the cause of a lot of your insecurities - that is just awful what she told you.

She basically implied you have to "date down".

That is toxic and I believe colors a lot of your self worth.

 

[niceblueeyedgirl]

While I am NOT the poster in question, I am very glad I decided to keep my identity hidden, especially considering how keen the responders have been to try to call out someone by name who has clearly expressed desire to keep his/her identity private. As it is, they are wrong, so they look foolish, but I digress.

Moving on...

I would like to thank Dawn and encourage you all to review her post. She explains it much more adequately than I did...what she found is men who don't have a college education, but expect their woman to have one....and so on and so forth. This is the kind of thing I am talking about. It's not about dating down. It's not about being desperate. It is about having realistic expectations, and also being open-minded enough to explore different kinds of people. Like, again Dawn, said...sometimes someone you may not be initially interested in can charm you once you get to know them. That's why I am personally as open-minded, not desperate, as I am.

For those who suggest meeting men in a different venue, I will definitely take your suggestions into consideration. Like I said, I have not met any men in traditional ways. Friends haven't set me up with anyone. That's WHY I took to online dating...I thought it would be easier. Boy, was I surprised! I just don't know why my friends would push me toward online dating, if it is actually harder.

And, no, I don't have any problem with my weight. If I did, I would be exercising and eating salad. As it is, I am not exercising and drinking chocolate milk. And perfectly happy doing so. I only included the weight part because 1) I thought it may be relevant 2) The guys I am messaging are my size or larger.

 

[aaarcher86]

If you're not getting any interest anywhere I imagine it's something you're doing or putting out there. Honestly, the first post was kind of off putting. We get it. You think you're great and can't imagine why anyone, especially people less great, aren't chasing after you.

I'm going to take a guess and say that your desire to be in a relationship is coming off as semi needy when talking to someone of the opposite sex and when it doesn't end up in a date you get get irritated.

If you're as happy with yourself as you'd like us to think I'd suggest not worrying about getting into a relationship, enjoy your life with your family and friends, and let the chips fall.

 

[Mkrop]

why nor try those dating sites that have places you can meet up, like cooking classes etc. I see commercials all the time and the name escapes me now. The guys can see you AND get to know you while making the meal or whatever the activity is.

 

[mrsklamc]

While I am NOT the poster in question, I am very glad I decided to keep my identity hidden, especially considering how keen the responders have been to try to call out someone by name who has clearly expressed desire to keep his/her identity private. As it is, they are wrong, so they look foolish, but I digress.

I would encourage you to look up her posts. She was in a similar situation and got lots of great advice, but chose to ignore it because it wasn't what she wanted to hear. If you're more open to wise advice than she was I'm sure some of it can be helpful to you.