Humbling question.

[SapphireMind]

Depends on the age of the child and infraction. In many cases, skipping out on the "family" vacation would even be seen as a reward (because they don't have to deal with their parents)

I would do more appropriate punishments on the boat - like ban him/her from the teen clubs. Make them spend their time with the parental units/siblings. That will frequently put the fear in them!

 

[Dug720]

Although in all seriousness, I know it is not the same, and I applaud and do not envy the OP, but seriousness aside, there are advantages to having kids with four legs instead of two. Mainly, when I "reward myself" as PP said... It costs me $14 a day and a few treats to put them up while I do..although the first person to offer my 15 n under pound wonders on a cruise has my attention! Anyway when I'm unhappy with their (by their, I usually mean his) obedience, I am legally allowed to leave him in his St Bernard size garage kennel...

Amen!!

When my bird acts up (as he's doing right now), he gets "naptime" or (as he's about to right now) early bedtime. Makes it pretty simple. (I occasionally threaten to "Hansel and Gretel" him by taking him to a local park where there is reportedly a flock of his kind (though in three years of running there I have yet to see any, so I'm doubting it...the Bronx Zoo where there is a colony may be a better fit.)

And yes, kudos to the OP for some mad parenting skills!! (As the kids would say...though probably with a z rather than an s. Haha!)

 

[auntie]

I personally see family vacations as an investment in our family relationships. I think if one of my kids was acting out or doing something bad I would see the trip away as more important than ever. Getting them out of their usual environment away from their friends, video games, TV, and internet to spend quality time with their parents is so beneficial for everyone. I would try to come up with a separate punishment and use the cruise as a chance to reconnect as a family. I would never leave one kid behind nor would I punish the rest of my family by cancelling the vacation. Hope that helps.

I agree with you completely.

 

[NickyDa]

This post could not have come at a better time! We leave in 3 weeks and our 7th grader's academics are--I don't even have a good word to describe them right now. He's in an accelerated program so I know he can do the work, he's just not putting much effort into it. My irrational thinking had me threatening to leave him behind, but how can I do that.

Yes, the obvious answer would be to take him along for the family bonding but I was extremely upset about him not making his grade. All the comments made me see everything more clearly. Now, I plan to just limit his freedoms (i.e. a curfew since the last time he was able to come and go as he pleased with his friends from the Edge) while we are on the cruise rather than cancelling his trip all together.

 

[OrcaPotter]

I have 134 children ranging in age from 12-14. Many, if not most of them, never see any consequences to their actions. Failing a class? Eh, no big deal. Disrespecting an adult? So what. I give major props to the OP for taking discipline seriously; so many of my students rarely see it--and it means so much more to them when their actual parents discipline them rather than a lunch detention.

Though I agree, the whole family should not be punished for the actions of one. It's also understandable and reasonable to accept that one simply cannot leave someone behind. I also agree that it seems counterproductive to "reward" a child with a fun time. As many have suggested, there are other ways. A pre-teen/teenager hates having cell phones taken away, internet time restricted to only homework, no hang-out time with friends, etc. Depending on the seriousness and the frequency of the unwanted behavior, things like spending money for the trip, extras like specialty drinks & the arcade, could be taken away or restricted. You could threaten a curfew on the ship (sooner than you normally would) or no solo time, and use that as an incentive to encourage positive behavior and improvement. From what I've seen, consequences like that seem to really motivate kids to make better choices. I have a student who does not enjoy my subject area and did not think failing was a big deal until their mother threatened no electronics and friends during spring break. Turned a once slacking child into an on-task student right away.

 

[sweetlovin']

After your reservation is made, has your kid(s) ever done something or make a bad decision that makes you question whether to take them on a cruise? Obviously I have.

Should one child keep the whole family from a Dream vacation when leaving that child with a relative isn't an option. It's everyone or no one.

Since, it is everyone or no one, that is tough. It is one other child (not a bunch of kids that are missing out) I might put it off, depending on the severity of the offense. If that is an option with your airfare (Southwest vs an airline with penalties)

If not, as others have said, maybe take away other things. You work hard for your money and only you can decide if the penalty is worth the punishment.

Such a difficult situation. Good luck in trying to sort it all out.

 

[lbgraves]

YES! DD12 is a typical tween with an attitude and if there had been someone to leave her at home with while we went on our last cruise we seriously would have considered it. As it turned out, something major happened the day we went got to WDW and we all needed to be there to support her and the cruise was a much needed distraction. We had planned on limiting her freedom and activities onboard, but that changed. I would not have cancelled though since DH & I needed the break also.

 

[NWmom]

I agree with the sentiment that it is a family vacation and since this child is part of the family they go as well. You have three monmths to handle consequences, by the time the cruise comes this will all be over.

That being said, if this involves any kind of legal trouble- most likely your child will not be able to do some traveling out of state, let alone out of the country as all the cruises do go out of country.

If that is the case and you are within your cancel dates, call the PO to find out if the child would still be allowed to go or should you cancel. (Make sure the PO knows you will be taking this seriously.)

The legal process can take months. If there is truly no one to watch the child of they are legally not allowed to go--- then cancel. Reschedule after the legal issue is over.

Seriously not behaving could be anything from mouthing off to legal trouble with a pending court case-so my answer would really depend.

For example if they got caught shop lifting today, it could take up to two months just to get the police reports to the prosecutir and get chargd and served. Then several weeks to the court date, getting the attorney assigned, waiting for next court dates, etc. I know of a case that was eventually dismissed that took 7 months.

Child could not leave the state during that time.

And if it involves alcohol and a trip to Alaska- might not even be able to get into Canada to catch the ship.

Hoping it is something much more minor than this.

 

[emilyltd]

I would keep the family vacation out of the equation entirely and punish or ground in another way. Your child would never forgive you for leaving them behind and it would cause more problems in the long run, and the whole family would be resentful of that child for keeping them from the vacation. It's just a lose lose situation that has further reaching consequences than just that one issue.

 

[Fjobe]

I would only keep the child from coming along on the cruise if their actions directly caused them to be unable to go (skipped school too many times so couldn't miss any more days, legal trouble that prevented them from leaving the state, etc.). In cases like that, missing the cruise would be a natural consequence of their actions. I don't use our vacations as rewards or motivators for my children. I know that I am not going to cancel a vacation due to their actions, so it is never thrown out there. There are plenty of other privileges we can revoke or consequences they can receive without it having to fall into a family vacation. Another option would be to limit their freedom on the cruise.

 

[clten]

Here's a thought if you want to have the cruise for the family and also curtail some of the fun that was planned as a punishment. If you look into doing charitable work at the port you are visiting it may be rewarding in a different way. Instead of the beach trip, contact a local school and see if there is something you can do to assist. Perhaps opening a child's eyes to how other people live may help correct some behavior when they see the poverty that exists at these cruise destinations. It may make them appreciate what they have at home and see them as blessings rather than taking them for granted. Just a thought -- in case you get past paid in full date and still have some issues.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

Personally, I would make the punishment fit the "crime" and do it swiftly, while still at home. Maybe it's just me but I don't see the point in waiting 3 mos until everyone is having a great time to dish out the punishment.
Dh & I try not to pick at old scabs & pour salt on them.
That would be like punishing a kid now for something he/she did the 1st week of Feb. Unless this is something major like violent/criminal behavior, most things that my kids to that drive me crazy are a distant memory 3 mos later.
I have enough perks I could take from either of my teen boys to make them plead for mercy & it wouldn't be a cell phone; that's for safety, not a toy. (They don't have smart phones.)

I surely wouldn't punish my whole family, including myself, for something ds did. His punishment would apply only to him. I don't look at vacations as rewards for all of us being good. To me it's just as necessary as working, eating, sleeping, school, etc. It's perfect mental/emotional/family therapy.

jmho.

Good luck OP!! Parenting surely is not an easy job.

 

[pennyring]

Personally, I would make the punishment fit the "crime" and do it swiftly, while still at home.

Exactly my thoughts. Unless the kid did something that relates to cruising, it doesn't remotely make sense from a discipline standpoint.

The discipline should directly correlate to the actions. Taking away a cruise only makes sense if the kid did something wrong on a previous cruise... or highjacked a cruise ship or something.

If the child stole from you, then you keep their things. (If they stole money, they don't get an allowance. If they stole items, you take their toys.) The punishment should make sense and fit the crime.

 

[SeaSpray]

Personally, I would make the punishment fit the "crime" and do it swiftly, while still at home. Maybe it's just me but I don't see the point in waiting 3 mos until everyone is having a great time to dish out the punishment.
Dh & I try not to pick at old scabs & pour salt on them.
That would be like punishing a kid now for something he/she did the 1st week of Feb. Unless this is something major like violent/criminal behavior, most things that my kids to that drive me crazy are a distant memory 3 mos later.
I have enough perks I could take from either of my teen boys to make them plead for mercy & it wouldn't be a cell phone; that's for safety, not a toy. (They don't have smart phones.)

I surely wouldn't punish my whole family, including myself, for something ds did. His punishment would apply only to him. I don't look at vacations as rewards for all of us being good. To me it's just as necessary as working, eating, sleeping, school, etc. It's perfect mental/emotional/family therapy.

jmho.

Good luck OP!! Parenting surely is not an easy job.

Exactly my thoughts. Unless the kid did something that relates to cruising, it doesn't remotely make sense from a discipline standpoint.

The discipline should directly correlate to the actions. Taking away a cruise only makes sense if the kid did something wrong on a previous cruise... or highjacked a cruise ship or something.

If the child stole from you, then you keep their things. (If they stole money, they don't get an allowance. If they stole items, you take their toys.) The punishment should make sense and fit the crime.

I agree with these 2 posters. Unless the cruise was a reward for something specific and now your DS did something to not deserve the reward then I don't see a correlation between disciplining your child for something he did now, with your family vacation. Also, I wouldn't give any punishment in regard to the cruise itself; do you really want to have to remember what happened NOW while you're all hopefully enjoying a nice family vacation? I say this from the standpoint of YOUR happiness, as well as overall happiness of the family.

Give him a punishment now, at home, relevant to whatever he did. This is my opinion, just offering it.

It's not easy being a parent, believe me, I know! My DSs are now 25 and 22, and I am so glad to have the rough years behind us. Hang in there. All of us want you (and your family) to enjoy your cruise.

 

[Bunless]

Here's a thought if you want to have the cruise for the family and also curtail some of the fun that was planned as a punishment. If you look into doing charitable work at the port you are visiting it may be rewarding in a different way. .

I was thinking of this before I saw your post.
I could have sworn that I saw, somewhere, about excursions with a charitable bent.

 

[rentayenta]

I agree with the others; punishing 3 months after the behavior may not help curb said behavior. Parenting is so tough OP. I hope you find a solution you feel okay with.

 

[mrswarr]

After your reservation is made, has your kid(s) ever done something or make a bad decision that makes you question whether to take them on a cruise? Obviously I have.

Should one child keep the whole family from a Dream vacation when leaving that child with a relative isn't an option. It's everyone or no one.

We are going through something similar but our cruise is still nearly a year away. We can't cancel because we now have 10 additional family members joining our party of 5. But trust has become an issue, so hopefully he will build it up and have the freedom he loves on the cruise.

Teenagers brains are not even fully developed until 25. The last part to develop is the impulse control portion! Not trying to make excuses - we absolutely hold this child accountable - just food for thought. Good luck! Parenting is so hard sometimes.

 

[baleeve]

I agree with these 2 posters. Unless the cruise was a reward for something specific and now your DS did something to not deserve the reward then I don't see a correlation between disciplining your child for something he did now, with your family vacation. Also, I wouldn't give any punishment in regard to the cruise itself; do you really want to have to remember what happened NOW while you're all hopefully enjoying a nice family vacation? I say this from the standpoint of YOUR happiness, as well as overall happiness of the family.

Give him a punishment now, at home, relevant to whatever he did. This is my opinion, just offering it.

It's not easy being a parent, believe me, I know! My DSs are now 25 and 22, and I am so glad to have the rough years behind us. Hang in there. All of us want you (and your family) to enjoy your cruise.

These are all very good points, the only reason I had pause about the cruise was because it entails trust and that trust was broken and my thought in this situation was if I can't trust you at home under easy circumstances how can I trust you at sea where there could be serious consequences if you don't follow the rules.

But measures have been taken to discipline and rebuild the trust - and I've also learned a lesson that maybe a shorter leash (my term - don't flame me) is needed. On board I will not allow such a long leash of freedom.

So although what this child did was serious, I still agree that it can be resolved before the cruise. And on the cruise there will be less (if any) freedom. But it will definitely be a memorable vacation.

The kindness shown toward me on this post has been inspirational. Not once did I feel any judgement and I appreciate that so much! You all are fantastic individuals!! But then again, I wouldn't expect anything less from DISners!!

 

[SapphireMind]

Glad to hear you are making progress. I definitely agree with the others about not waiting to punish (just wanted to clarify) but as I also have an older child, I can definitely see how something could be serious enough that the punishment cannot be a one-time thing and three months out, you could still be dealing with the consequences. Definitely a trying time as a parent.

My almost-13 YO boy drives me nuts sometimes. He's a good kid and we thankfully have not yet had to deal with serious issues, but I know it could come at any time. Posting this question the way you are, I don't think anyone can criticize, because I would bet most of them don't have older kids and it's like a childless person seeing a tantruming child and thinking "My child would NEVER do that." Oh yes they will. They will push your buttons and limits and break rules. It's all in how we respond to those things. And you are trying to respond fairly and thoughtfully (the latter of which my dh still needs to work on) because the worst thing is to start throwing around punishments and then deciding later they aren't appropriate. I've even told my preteen for more minor stuff that before I can give him his punishment, I have to think about it.

Good luck, and enjoy your cruise

 

[MikeAndNick]

Every day I question if I should be taking my son on any cruise. Most of the time on the way to the cruise I question if I should be doing cruising with him. On the cruise I question if I should have done this. Then I calm down and remember he is a 16 year old boy and does not do anything close to what I did when I was his age.