Question to all parents.

[mjkacmom]

Of course I would love my kids to always be by me, but I know that's not realistic. I have 2 good friends who's parents were born in Cuba, and the rest are Italian. I get it. My mom grew up in a city, Irish Catholic parents, and all of her cousins lived blocks away. I understand the culture, since many people I know still live it. However, things change, and at best, I hope for one to be nearby!

 

[christineann]

I spent 18 years getting my kids ready to leave home, so it was only natural that they did.

 

[ebtbmom]

When I was a kid my mom always wanted me to go to college, but she wanted me to make sure that I chose a career that I could find around my hometown. She actually said, "Make sure you choose a job that you don't have to leave home to find". As a kid I never realized how bizarre this was. I followed her advice and went into nursing because you can find a job anywhere and now I regret and despise this choice. Nursing never was a good fit for my personality, the only way I'm managing is that I really enjoy kids and I have a job where I work with kids. If I ever have to work in another speciality I'll probably wait tables instead.

As a parent now, DS is in high school, I encourage him to follow his dream and do whatever in the world will make him fulfilled and happy. It has NOTHING to do with me and his dad!

I have huge issues with my mother and this is one of the many reasons, your mom may be creating a problem between you two and doesn't realize it.

Oh, and I'm white, just live in a very small southern town that people rarely escape from!

 

[lovegrumpy]

No because they need to have there life also. My oldest wants to join the Coast Guard so he'll be all over the place. My kids are growing up military brats so they don't really know what it's like having family just down the street. Now my youngest who knows what he'll do.

 

[minkydog]

I feel pretty certain that not every Hispanic person lives within 10 miles of their parents. As an adult, you need to do what is best for YOU. That's how life works. Parents should want their children to be happy. If you would be happy in Orlando, then go and be happy.

ETA: DH and I moved to another state very suddenly before our one year wedding anniversary. Our family was not thrilled, but they knew DH had a great opportunity here and that we needed to take advantage of it. They used to bug us about moving back home, but now they know that we'd be crazy to give up the life we have now, so they don't even mention it anymore.

It's not like your moving to the moon. You'd still be in Florida, and you can always visit each other.

We did too. DH comes from a close knit Greek family. If you've seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding, those are his folks. Nobody in the family had ever moved away. Several of them lived on the same street. When DH was offered a job 400 miles away they just about went into shock. And even 32 yrs later we get the "you need to move back home" speech. Um, no. We ARE home.

We remind them that Papou left Greece at 17 and came to America. He never went back. He raised his family in Florida, with a big Greek community. We are different in that we can &do go back to Florida for visits. And we have not had the advantage of having aunties and grandparents nearby. Still, we have jumped thru hoops to stay connected.

Do not feel guilty. I understand about your family. But, you have live your own live and you get to choose where you live now.

 

[Allison]

I would consider that they are doing the right thing.

 

[luvmy3]

Simple question that I am currently dealing with.

If your kids decided to move away from home at an appropriate age would you consider them ungrateful? If they were moving to a different city/state/country would you consider them to be even more ungrateful?

My question comes as a Hispanic male son who is considering moving from Miami to Orlando. I however am getting all sorts of guilt trips from my Hispanic mom. The reason is that the mentality from a Hispanic is your kids live with you till they get married, they then move out but live no more than 10 miles from you and weekends are always spent together.

I'm raising my kids to be independent adults, so if they decided to do that and were financially able I would think I did my job. Sure I'd be sad and disappointed that I couldn't see them often, but I'd be proud of them as well. Never once would I think they were ungrateful.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Simple question that I am currently dealing with.

If your kids decided to move away from home at an appropriate age would you consider them ungrateful? If they were moving to a different city/state/country would you consider them to be even more ungrateful?

My question comes as a Hispanic male son who is considering moving from Miami to Orlando. I however am getting all sorts of guilt trips from my Hispanic mom. The reason is that the mentality from a Hispanic is your kids live with you till they get married, they then move out but live no more than 10 miles from you and weekends are always spent together.

Unfortunately, the economic realities of our society dictate that more and more, kids will have to move away. Things have changed over the years. Extended families with 4 generations living together are becoming fewer and fewer. I wouldn't consider them ungrateful. When I decided to move away it had nothing to do with family. I simply could not afford to raise a family there when houses cost 500k to 1 mill and even small homes on postage stamp sized lots cost 400k. If I could have afforded it, I'd be there right now.

 

[dana1003]

Previous poster hit the nail on the head. That's why I've been renting for 17 years! Northern nj is not for the weak.. My mom doesn't seem to realize this.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Hahahahaha! I had the audacity to not only move out of our small town, I moved like four "towns" away. Then, after 10 years, I moved away further.

I am now a whopping 45 minutes away from my family. We're all STILL IN LOS ANGELES PROPER.

You'd think that would make me relate to the OP? You're nuts. I'm the one that moved away. I'm the one who divided the family and it will FOREVER be my fault that Christmas and Thanksgiving is ruined. Either I have to drive all the way there, or they have to make the horrid trek out to my house and there is no way now for us all to be together Christmas Eve and Christmas Day THE SAME YEAR.

And we're not even hispanic or religious.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hahahahaha! I had the audacity to not only move out of our small town, I moved like four "towns" away. Then, after 10 years, I moved away further.

I am now a whopping 45 minutes away from my family. We're all STILL IN LOS ANGELES PROPER.

You'd think that would make me relate to the OP? You're nuts. I'm the one that moved away. I'm the one who divided the family and it will FOREVER be my fault that Christmas and Thanksgiving is ruined. Either I have to drive all the way there, or they have to make the horrid trek out to my house and there is no way now for us all to be together Christmas Eve and Christmas Day THE SAME YEAR.

And we're not even hispanic or religious.

OMG, Christmas and Thanksgiving are RUINED because of YOU? I hate to make light of things but that is damn funny.

I also am 45mins away....

 

[aprilgail2]

I would not consider them ungrateful, but to be completely honest, I would be very unhappy. I understand that sometimes job circumstances require a move and you do what you have to do, but the thought of it depresses me. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have my girls nearby. I do think that if all of them moved away, we would move as well to be close to at least one of them.

I only have one so you can be darn certain that if she moved away I would move someplace near her--- I would not want to be a grandparent that only saw the grandkids 2-3 times a year, that would not make me happy at all.

 

[cheshireqt]

Assuming you are not married now, if/when you get married, your future spouse will be extremely grateful that you dealt with this now and on your own. Stand firm and take care of it now, don't make a spouse deal with it! It is the right decision for you and they have raised you to be a fine adult who can make such decisions on your own. Just remember that as their waves crash against you.

To add and maybe make you feel better, and to vent a bit ...there may be a cultural component, but it may also be personality driven. Mine and DH's parents are same race, similar small town USA backgrounds, and our Father's were career military. The only difference is his Mom was stay at home and mine had a career. Yet they had completely opposite reactions to where we live.
My DH and I met while in college, here in DC area, with our parents living about 4 miles apart at the time. Right about the time we got engaged his parents moved away, to S. Florida, and then 3 years later moved to Tampa area. (Mine also moved away during that time). A year after their first move we graduated and got married and settled here in the DC area. It took them, both his mom and dad, 10 years to get it through their heads that he was not going to move "home" to Florida. Now this is the part that I love, they did not live anywhere near their parents from the time of their marriage either... And here is the best part of all...we have lived in a 5 mile radius of their former house in Northern Virginia ever since the day we married, yet we are the ones in the "wrong." I have heard the word "ungrateful" used many times as they applied pressure and outright nastiness to get us to move near them, as if that was incentive . They also blame me for his "misguided choice" because my field of work is here, there is nothing for me in the areas of Florida where they live.
His brother moved with them and then moved away 4 years later, after getting married and having children. Oh my, that was much worse and they have never gotten over it. 16 years and counting, and in a repeat performance, they continue to blame his spouse. His mother still about "his wife's selfishness."

Deal with it now. It really is the best thing for your future.

 

[JVL1018]

I would not consider them ungrateful, but to be completely honest, I would be very unhappy. I understand that sometimes job circumstances require a move and you do what you have to do, but the thought of it depresses me. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have my girls nearby. I do think that if all of them moved away, we would move as well to be close to at least one of them.

Same here. Well a couple hours away, I wouldn't move, but more than that..yeah I'd move. I tell my kids if they both move away, whomever has the first grandchild gets me. LOL

The people I know from high school who ended up moving far away is a small number.
It's expensive here in northern NJ, but there are also a lot of jobs. I'd love it if my kids stayed in the area, I'm not talking the same town, but within 30-45 minutes would be preferable.

 

[Pigeon]

Same here. Well a couple hours away, I wouldn't move, but more than that..yeah I'd move. I tell my kids if they both move away, whomever has the first grandchild gets me. LOL

The people I know from high school who ended up moving far away is a small number.
It's expensive here in northern NJ, but there are also a lot of jobs. I'd love it if my kids stayed in the area, I'm not talking the same town, but within 30-45 minutes would be preferable.

If my MIL made that "offer" we'd all have waited forever to have kids.

 

[minkydog]

If my MIL made that "offer" we'd all have waited forever to have kids.

Isn't that the truth! The big advantage of living 400 miles away is that there's nobody in our business. They know only what we choose to tell them. We can visit several times a year and then we can leave.

 

[JVL1018]

If my MIL made that "offer" we'd all have waited forever to have kids.

Lol!
I will be such a fabulous mother in law, they'll be begging for me!

 

[Colleen27]

I fully expect that at least 2 of my 3 kids will move a significant distance from our home, if only because the economy in our area is dismal and just doesn't offer many opportunities to young people who want careers in something other than factory work, construction, or customer service. As much as I would love to have them close to us as they get married and have children of their own I want more for them than working poor or lower middle class so I accept that they'll most likely have to move, out of our immediate area at least and probably out of state.

But I don't think the expectation that children will stay close is just a Hispanic thing. DH & I are both of Polish-Catholic descent and our families have the same expectation. We've stayed fairly close because we want the kids to grow up close to their grandparents and extended family, but even moving 45min away got me a guilt trip from my mother. I can't imagine the drama if I'd moved out of state, and the stupid part is that she has absolutely ZERO appreciation for the fact that we do stay in the area primarily for family reasons, even though DH's career path would be much more lucrative in other parts of the country.

 

[JVL1018]

Isn't that the truth! The big advantage of living 400 miles away is that there's nobody in our business. They know only what we choose to tell them. We can visit several times a year and then we can leave.

My friend lives across the street from her parents. She's looking to move, not far, same town-just out of seeing distance. Her parents will call her up and critique how she parents her boys-they look out the window and watch them when they play outside. Then later call her up and tell her what she's doing wrong(paying attention more to one kid than the other etc)
They get mad if they see her sister's car at her house-because the sister didn't stop by their house too.

Those kind of parents I can see wanting to avoid.

We share a 2 family house with my FIL, and he has never ever in 13 years made one negative comment about our parenting, never butted into our business in any way, never disciplined our kids-he has been helpful babysitting the kids-which he loved, he'd ask us to go out just so he could babysit them. My kids would go upstairs to his house, sit at the kitchen table and have cookies and milk and listen to his stories and he'd sing Sinatra and Dean Martin to them. Lol
We have all the good stuff, none of the bad.

Until my mom died, my parents lived 5 min away and I (and my husband)loved it! I would have jumped at the chance to live across the street from them, because they were not at all meddling or critical of us. We don't really have business for people to stick their nose, we're boring.

Though my friend doesn't either and her parents manage to manufacture drama..so it depends on the relationship.

 

[FayeW]

Honestly? I'm looking forward to a little distance.