UGH! My best friend's husband is such a jerk

[kwelch10377]

So one of my best friends and her husband live out near Pittsburgh and this weekend my best friend was supposed to meet up with me and 3 of our other friends in Lancaster to have a quick girls weekend and go see a band play that we use to go see all the time when we were in out 20's. We had actually became pretty friendly with the band and now the band is breaking up and this will be the last time we will be able to see them play together.

Everything was all planned out and her husband was orginally on board with everything. He was supposed to take the weekend off from work so he could take their son to a birthday party on Sat and in general take care of the kids all weekend. Well all of a sudden now he has told her that she can't go and actually told his boss that he would work Sat. His reasoning is that she is too old to be going to see bands and she was just back in the Philly area last month for her niece's birthday and she doesn't need to be going back out that way again (mind you she didn't see any of us at that time, only her family).

The whole issue is that he is off his depression meds and he refuses to go back on them. He can be a jerk when he is on them but is 1000 times worse when he is off them. I was just out to see them after Christmas and he spent 3 days giving her a hard time for the house being a mess from the kids (it was really a mess, but in her defense she works 3 jobs, he was working overnights during the holidays so she was doing everything, not that he does much when he doesn't work overnights) and also complained about how she got a new cell phone and he didn't and how bought new boots. 1) She was up for a new phone, her old phone wasn't even hers, she borrowed it because her old one broke and the phone was free. 2) The boots were $25 from Payless and payed for with a VISA gift card her boss gave her for Christmas. The other part of the issue is that he has no friends and hates that she is a social butterfly (I swear she will talk to anyone) and loves being out doing stuff with the kids.

Anyway I am just totally bummed about it. I know I just saw her, but this was going to be the first time in about 5-6 years that all 5 of us were together.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'm sorry you're sad.

Your friends' situation would be unbearable to me...a spouse who needs and knows he needs psychiatric medication & refuses to take it would say to me that he was not interested in keeping his marriage together.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I'm sorry you're sad.

Your friends' situation would be unbearable to me...a spouse who needs and knows he needs psychiatric medication & refuses to take it would say to me that he was not interested in keeping his marriage together.

YES INDEED. I cant even begin to tell you what i'd do if I had a husband like that who complained about the house being a mess, & said I COULDNT go out with my friends. O H M Y G O O D N E S S, my feathers would be so ruffled. Let me tell you. I feel bad for your friend!

 

[kwelch10377]

I'm sorry you're sad.

Your friends' situation would be unbearable to me...a spouse who needs and knows he needs psychiatric medication & refuses to take it would say to me that he was not interested in keeping his marriage together.

She has had the conversation with him about that a million times and she has threatened to leave, but for the life of me I can't understand why she hasn't. I texted her on Sat to see if everything was ok and she said that she sent her husband to his parents and she was going to meet him to talk. I told her don't kill him, but you know who to call to help hide the body of you did. I'm not sure what came from the conversation and haven't heard from her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Considering the situation, I do not think I would want the children to be cared for by him in the first place.

If this is her life she is going to have to find alternate means of childcare if she wants to go away for the weekend.

She has to be more proactive about things and take her DH out of the responsiblity of childcare for a whole weekend while he is depressed and unmedicated.

I know that it hard to understand but it is the adult thing to do.

 

[Christine]

It's unfortunate that there seem to be a lot of jerky husbands out there. Amazing. It's a shame because they seem to ruin a lot of great friendships.

 

[RachaelA]

Do you have kids? If so, can she bring her son with her and have him stay with whoever is watching your kids (if you have them)? He would miss the birthday party, but at least she would get some time away from her husband and hopefully get some time to really think about it all.

 

[DeaverTex]

I can see this from the husband's perspective, since I'm on anti-depressants myself and can see myself at least entertaining doing precisely what he did. (The meds don't keep me from having that kind of idea, but they do let me see that it's an irrational and downright mean thing to do.) He's almost certainly seeing this as a situation in which he's making all the concessions and she's having all the fun. Since OP has said that the man has no friends, she has no way at all to reciprocate, and he knows that. That's very likely why he "fixed her wagon" by working so that she couldn't go, and I'm certain that was in his mind when he agreed to work on a weekend. Of course, he also may not agree with the idea of "girls' trips" or "boys' trips", but that's another issue entirely.

He needs to get back on his meds, and it sounds like he may need them adjusted.

 

[kwelch10377]

Do you have kids? If so, can she bring her son with her and have him stay with whoever is watching your kids (if you have them)? He would miss the birthday party, but at least she would get some time away from her husband and hopefully get some time to really think about it all.

I don't and I am actually coming from Boston. She is also adament that he not miss the party. It is his first boy only birthday party and the first where only he is invited and not him and his sister. He is so excited to go especially since it is at a martial arts place. Her husband knows that having her son go to the party is important to both her and her son and she will do everything to make sure that he goes to the party, even if it means her staying home.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't and I am actually coming from Boston. She is also adament that he not miss the party. It is his first boy only birthday party and the first where only he is invited and not him and his sister. He is so excited to go especially since it is at a martial arts place. Her husband knows that having her son go to the party is important to both her and her son and she will do everything to make sure that he goes to the party, even if it means her staying home.

You know, you have to do what you have to do.

Maybe you can plan another girls night only in the near future with her?

 

[mimmi]

I have a friend whose partner doesn't have friends either, which makes it also very difficult to spend entire weekends together.
And if we manage a few days somewhere (usually somebody has to have a milestone birthday) he is constantly calling home because he has a bad conscience as the other one is sitting home alone, that's just sad.
I even begged my husband to befriend the friend's partner so that we finally have more freedom, but that didn't work out.
It's just sad when somebody makes their partner responsible for their entire happiness, my friend's partner once told my friend that he would have nothing to live for in case he left him, awesome.

In my opinion the problem doesn't lie with one side only, by giving in every time, those people only get enabled to act like that.

 

[Christine]

In my opinion the problem doesn't lie with one side only, by giving in every time, those people only get enabled to act like that.

Yes. That are master manipulators and women are very good at enabling that behavior. If they had a glimpse of their marriage 20 years down the road, they'd probably be horrified.

 

[kwelch10377]

Yes. That are master manipulators and women are very good at enabling that behavior. If they had a glimpse of their marriage 20 years down the road, they'd probably be horrified.

She is partially blame for his behavior, but I think for the most part she just ignores and/or doesn't have the time to deal with it because she is focused on working a full time job and then 2 part time jobs, doing pretty much everything associated with the kids from homework, to bath time to taking them to any of their activities and then doing the bulk of the house cleaning.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I'm sorry that she can't come, and I am sure he is the jerk that you say that he is, but a from what you have said I see one thing that may be an issue and that is money problems. You said that she is working three jobs and that he told his boss that he would work that weekend instead of being off. Could she just be blaming the husband, but really having money issues? Even a weekend trip would be expensive.

Either way I wouldn't pressure her to much because I'm sure she really feels bad enough already for not being able to come and she will feel even worse that night when she misses all of the fun.

Just a thought.

 

[diznygirl]

This is more than a husband just being a jerk - he's clinically depressed and off his meds. In that situation there is no way I would leave my children alone with him.

Good luck to her.

 

[kwelch10377]

I'm sorry that she can't come, and I am sure he is the jerk that you say that he is, but a from what you have said I see one thing that may be an issue and that is money problems. You said that she is working three jobs and that he told his boss that he would work that weekend instead of being off. Could she just be blaming the husband, but really having money issues? Even a weekend trip would be expensive.

Either way I wouldn't pressure her to much because I'm sure she really feels bad enough already for not being able to come and she will feel even worse that night when she misses all of the fun.

Just a thought.

While money isn't rolling in, she works the other jobs to help out her former bosses and because she is passionate about that line of work and it is something that one her kids are a little older she wants to go back to school for. One is just one night a week and the other is from home for about 10 hours a week. He works retail so if he had off Sat, he would just get the hours another day and right now they don't get overtime. If money were an issue here she would have no problem telling me.

I haven't pressured her about it and I know she feels bad enough about not being able to come.

 

[Hoodie]

While money isn't rolling in, she works the other jobs to help out her former bosses and because she is passionate about that line of work and it is something that one her kids are a little older she wants to go back to school for. One is just one night a week and the other is from home for about 10 hours a week. He works retail so if he had off Sat, he would just get the hours another day and right now they don't get overtime. If money were an issue here she would have no problem telling me.

I haven't pressured her about it and I know she feels bad enough about not being able to come.

I thought the same thing about the money. It may be that even if your friend doesn't think there's a money issue, he may.

 

[kwelch10377]

I thought the same thing about the money. It may be that even if your friend doesn't think there's a money issue, he may.

I doubt it, she does everything when it comes to the finances and what bills there are. She is super on top of things when it comes to money.

I am 99.9% sure that he is just being spiteful and after seeing them a little over a week ago and how he was acting I am not surprised that he is pulling this.

 

[Bob NC]

Around here if my wife doesn't want to do something she has my permission to use me as an excuse. "Bob has XXX going on, so I can't do YYY." "Bob and I talked, and I can't do XXX because of blah blah blah."

I may use her as an excuse as need be too.

I KNOW you think you know 100% of the details, I'm just suggesting that there MAY be other explanations.

 

[shortbun]

Have her come and bring the kids; find her a babysitter there. There's more than one way to skin a cat and I'm an old pro at cat skinning. Besides, like someone else said: why would she want to leave her children with him? He probably would find an excuse NOT to take the boy to the party.