Angelrose's Journey

[Angelrose]

Today was a better day. Mainly because I didn't give myself time to think. I went to Walmart and picked up a few things and then I went to IHOP for breakfast. It seemed so strange to be eating alone. It was so hot and the humidity was about 1,000%. Chuck came over around 1 to do some yard work for me. Poor kid was sweating bullets. I helped just a bit and I was one big drop of sweat. He was done around 3 and I went in and got a shower and then watched a Fred Astaire movie. Ron bought me a lot of Fred Astaire movies because he knew I loved them. He was always so thoughtful that way.

Eeyore's-tail-tack, thank you for the compliment. I just want everyone to know how wonderful my Ron was. I try to be strong for the kids and for Ron's memory. I know he would want me to be smiling. It's just that I can't do that right now.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Today was a better day. Mainly because I didn't give myself time to think. I went to Walmart and picked up a few things and then I went to IHOP for breakfast. It seemed so strange to be eating alone. It was so hot and the humidity was about 1,000%. Chuck came over around 1 to do some yard work for me. Poor kid was sweating bullets. I helped just a bit and I was one big drop of sweat. He was done around 3 and I went in and got a shower and then watched a Fred Astaire movie. Ron bought me a lot of Fred Astaire movies because he knew I loved them. He was always so thoughtful that way.

Eeyore's-tail-tack, thank you for the compliment. I just want everyone to know how wonderful my Ron was. I try to be strong for the kids and for Ron's memory. I know he would want me to be smiling. It's just that I can't do that right now.

I have been following your story since the beginning. I want you to know what an inspiriation you are. I think reading about the love that you and your darling Ron had inspires me in my own relationship. I don't really know you or your Ron but I grieve for you and with you. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that one day you will find your smile again especially with you are thinking about your beloved. Best wishes you to you in this time. You have handled it with a grave and dignity I could only hope to strive towards. God bless your family

 

[chell]

We had the same humidity today! I wonder who left the heat on? They need to turn it off.

Dining alone can be scary and fun at the same time. At first I was terrified to go out to eat alone. After a few times it wasn't so bad. Now I've gotten to where I love to people watch. I like to try to figure out their story. Well, I like to make up stories about what is going on in their life based on what I see. I can make up some real interesting ones.

You really are an inspiration to all of us; you and Ron both are. I keep Larry updated on your posts and we talk about you two.

 

[DisTeach1]

My MIL lost her husband in Nov 07, to cancer, but it was a bit unexpected because he was supposed to live a long time with it. She has grieved, but she has also gone about her life, like you, in small steps...a visit with a friend, breakfast out, etc. Now, 18 months later, she says she's not as sad, that she can remember him, but still go on.

I know you will get to that place also. There is a difference between sad and depressed, and I can see that you are very sad, but you are still trying to live your life. You will feel better in time. Next year will look much better for you.

 

[Angelrose]

I hope you are right DisTeach1. Right now every time I think of Ron and our life together I cry. Today our little bridge was out and I wanted to go home and tell him about it. It was so strange. I kept thinking wait until Ron hears about this. They just "fixed" it last year. Today was a busy day. I went to the dump right at 8am and was home in half an hour. I called Karen because I got the life insurance check but they didn't take out the expense for the funeral. We will just have to make out a check to them. Karen thought it would be better if I deposited the check immediately. Not good to have a big check laying around the house. So I got dressed again and went to the bank. On the way there, I thought when I get done, I will do my grocery shopping so I don't have to go out tomorrow. I got home and had lunch and Joan called to tell me to come over earlier to get in the pool since her garage door isn't in yet. He called and told her maybe next week. So I jumped in my bathing suit and went out again. I stayed in the pool until 4:30. Then I came home, showered and washed my hair and had dinner. I actually laughed today with Joan. I can't remember exactly what I laughed at but it felt good. I did cry a bit when we talked about Ron's last days. Now I am home and just catching up on email before I get dressed to go to see Harry Potter. Chuck is picking me up at 9pm. I have a feeling that I will sleep very well tonight.

 

[chell]

Hope you enjoy the movie tonight!

 

[Angelrose]

I did enjoy the movie. It was great. It started at 10 and we got out right at 12:30. We picked up Jesse and he was so sleepy but I did get a big smile from him before he dropped off again. I got home a little after 1 and I was in bed by 1:30. I slept well. I didn't get up until 7 this morning.

Today I didn't feel like doing anything, so I watched movies all day. Tomorrow I will get Ron's sneakers ready for the AMVETS.

My cousin went to a medium today. This guy was really good. He told her things that nobody knows. Not general things, but very specific. He apologized to her and said that one of the little ladies told him to do it. He pinched her cheek. OMG! That was our aunt Bella. We HATED that. She only did it to me a couple of times, but did it to Joan all the time. The little ladies were our aunts. And they are still all talking at once. Typical Italian family! So the next time Joan's friend is having this guy to her house in a couple of months, I am going to go. I need to hear something from Ron. I'm hoping he can help me. I think I will rest easier if I know he is happy.

 

[JerseyMamaBear]

I am happy to see you enjoyed the movie. I have been following your posts for sometime and wanted to tell you, you are an amazing women and I am fond of your strength. Best wishes.

 

[chell]

Glad you enjoyed the movie.

Wow, that is something about the medium. I hope you do get a visit with him very soon. I'm sure it will help put your mind at ease.

 

[Angelrose]

Thank you for the compliment JerseyMamaBear, but I'm not really that strong. I think whatever strength I have is coming from my dear Ron. Some days are unbearable and others aren't too bad.

Today I bagged up all of Ron's sneakers, knit hats and gloves and bagged up some of my own gloves and hats too. It was so hard to do.

I was just laying down after lunch when Joan called. She got out of the dr's office early and wanted to swim. I got there a little after 1 and stayed until 4:30. We had a good time and I laughed really hard again. She is so good at that. I really think I would have gone bonkers this summer if she hadn't invited me to swim at least twice a week.

 

[chell]

You are stronger than you think you are. He does give you strength, as does the love you two share. But you have strength as well. He helps you to find that strength and helps you to be able to use it. He is sort of like your jumper cables. You truly are an amazing woman.

 

[Angelrose]

Jumper cables! LOL I like that. Thank you chell. You wouldn't think I was so strong if you could see me when my tantrums hit. This Sunday I know is going to be hard. It would have been our 44th anniversary. We never did anything very special. We gave each other cards and gave huggies and some romantic moments. But every day was special to us. We would always say "And they said it would never last!" And then we would say that we think it will last another 40 years or so before we were sure it would last. I do so miss his smile and sense of humor.

 

[DebIreland]

We would always say "And they said it would never last!" And then we would say that we think it will last another 40 years or so before we were sure it would last. I do so miss his smile and sense of humor.

Angelrose, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your marriage sounds like my parents-in-law - they were so happy together until FIL passed away too young and too fast. A part of MIL went with him. I can feel your love for Ron from your words. God bless you. x

 

[darkeraven]

You and your sweetie are in my prayers as well.

 

[chell]

Jumper cables! LOL I like that. Thank you chell. You wouldn't think I was so strong if you could see me when my tantrums hit. This Sunday I know is going to be hard. It would have been our 44th anniversary. We never did anything very special. We gave each other cards and gave huggies and some romantic moments. But every day was special to us. We would always say "And they said it would never last!" And then we would say that we think it will last another 40 years or so before we were sure it would last. I do so miss his smile and sense of humor.

Just because you have tantrums or difficult spells doesn't mean you aren't strong, that only means you are human. You are supposed to go through all of those emotions - it's part of the human experience. I know it isn't easy, but it really is part of the healing process. You don't see it and may not feel it yet but he is there with you. I know he is. I have a very strong peace about him being with you and that he is okay. As I was typing this I just got one of those super strong feelings. It's not something easy to explain, but he is with you. Trust me.

Sunday will be difficult. But remember that you don't have to do anything that YOU don't want to do. If you don't want to get out of bed all day don't. Well it would be a good idea to at least go to the bathroom. If you don't want to spend the day alone, then don't. YOU decide how you want to spend the day. Don't let anyone else push you into anything. The great family & friends you have, I don't think they will try to force you into anything. But I think they may try to convince you that you should do this or that.

Do you have any empty notebooks or pads of paper at home? When you have a fun memory of Ron grab that notebook and write it down. When you are sad try to think of a good memory of Ron and write it down in that book. When you are feeling lonely try to think of another memory to write down. Then when you feel like it sit down and read what you have written. It might bring to memory other memories of you and Ron. Not only will it help you to not forget any of your memories, it will also ensure that he lives on. He will live on not only for you but also for your son and your grandson. The love you & Ron have will always last!!!

I hope I don't write too much here. I just want you to know that I care about you and that I'm here for you. I want to help you heal.

 

[Angelrose]

Thank you chell. That's a good idea about writing down how goofy he was at times. He loved to make me laugh, because he said he loved my giggle.

You always bring a smile to my face when I read your posts. I'm glad to hear that you have that strong feeling about him being here with me. That helps me deal with him being gone from this life.

 

[chell]

You are welcome. I'm glad I can help. That's what I want to do. You are a very amazing woman. You truly are an inspiration to so many of us.

 

[minniecarousel]

ahhh, Angelrose - you hang in there. Chell has some wonderful insight and advice. I try to check your thread from time-to-time. You know you'll have some of "those days". I think you're doing remarkably well.

 

[Angelrose]

Yesterday was a bad day. First I went into the closet and saw his ashes and then I was a mess for the rest of the day. Then at night I watched the Return of the Mummy. Not a good choice. When the wife "died", they resurrected her. Then I was a mess because Ron isn't coming back.

Today was a better day. Chuck called me to tell me how his weekend went. Poor Jesse is getting in 4 eye teeth at the same time and is really miserable. I told him I didn't want to be alone this Sunday and he said Karen had already talked to him about it and they want me to come over and watch movies and play with Jesse to keep my mind off of our 44th anniversary. What would I do without them?

As soon as I hung up with him Joan called and said she was heading to Boscovs for some shorts and did I want to come along. Of course. Neither of us got a thing. So we drowned our sorrows at the Dairy Queen. Then spent the rest of the afternoon in the pool. It was a good day.

Here is a picture of Jesse in his turtle pool.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Mary, he is such a doll.

Suzanne