Your Words of Wisdom Please... :-(

[psmomma]

I need to vent.

This has been a really sad time in my life… my grandma died this month and the love that our family “had” for each other went with my Grandma, the family glue.

My grandma died of leukemia and as a tribute to her life and the love, faith and devotion she taught all her children & grandchildren my cousin (daughter of aunt A) and I decided to do a video slide show of my grandma, our hero.

My grandma had three children, my dad and his two sisters, A & B. My Aunts A & B each have a daughter of their own and my girl cousin of Aunt A, is the one who thought of this project. My grandma had been sick, her death came faster than anyone could have known, but we were determined to do this in her honor and out of the love we had for her.

Each of the three granddaughters were in charge of getting their immediate families pictures together. We only had a day to put this together…. These pictures were emailed to my husband and I and we put this beautiful slide show together out of the love in our hearts of my grandma. At the private viewing for the immediate family (the night before her Rosary) we, my two girl cousins and I, thought it would be a good thing to show our Tribute of Our Grandmother to our parents, our grandfather and the rest of the immediate family. I thought it was beautiful and we all got compliments from nearly everyone… UNTIL…
My male cousin of Aunt B gets upset and walks out because his wedding picture was not included in the slide show. I honestly hadn’t noticed and since it was his sisters responsibility to get all the pictures that her side of the family wanted to be in the video the thought of asking my cousin for his wedding picture never crossed my mind. I was mourning, I was hurting and my husband and I spent our anniversary (my grandma died on our 6th wedding anniversary) putting this slide show in her memory. I just wanted to have this for her Rosary and worked with the pictures that were given to me. I explained to my male cousin that I hadn’t realized that his sister hadn’t supplied it to me and that if he’d like my husband and I would redo the video that night to have it in time for the Rosary the next evening. The DVD picture show was redone that evening so his wedding picture would be included for the Rosary... I thought all was well until I received a nasty email from his sister almost a week after my grandmothers death attacking me and my husband for 1) not thinking to contact her brother directly for his wedding picture 2) Attacked me stating it was MY FAULT, NOT HERS for not getting a full representation of our families pictures and if her Brother was mad it was at me because of my laziness and selfishness of thinking of only myself. (OKAY what part of my husband and I volunteering for this out of the love in our hearts and redoing it out of the kindness of our hearts once we realized how my cousin, her brother, was hurt by this makes me a mean person??) In retrospect My cousin, the daughter of Aunt B, only thought about herself and didn’t bother to even think of getting her brother’s picture of him & my grandparents at his wedding for the slide show, hers was in there mind you along with the numerous pictures she supplied of my grandma, her and her son. It was HER JOB to get her families pictures together and she is attacking me of being heartless??? She is a stay at home mom, she doesn’t work… yes, I am a mom, I work and I have a toddler and I WAS ABLE to do my job in getting this together for our grandma but she is attacking me? She is in total denial that it was her responsibility to supply us with those pictures and IF SHE THOUGHT she couldn’t get his picture, why didn’t she call me and ask me to do it? Why didn’t she call her brother and ask him to email it to us??

Am I wrong? Is it my fault for not catching her error? We used to be best friends / Best Cousins and now… I honestly am so disappointed at that email she sent me that I don’t think we will ever be the same. I lost my grandmother and best friend in one week. I have never cried so much in my life. Please, any insight that you all my have, any words of wisdom, anything at all. I don’t know where to go from here. I am so hurt and so alone.

PS Now she wants us to make her a copy of the DVD, even though she thought it was lousy and I am to blame she wants us to give her a copy.

 

[kdibattista]

No, it's not your fault... I would chalk it up to her grieving and I'm sure in time, she will realize this.

My deepest sympathy for your loss!!!

 

[SleepyMom]

No words of wisdom, just a

I would make the copy for her and any other family member you think might want it, not because she demanded a copy, but because of the love for your Grandma. Making the DVD was for her memory, don't let someone else ruin that memory and love. What you and your DH did was wonderful, but blaming you or expecting you to do it all was wrong of your cousin.

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[psmomma]

Thank you both for your kind words and for responding. You are right the only thing that matters is the love we have for our grandmother, that can never be taken from us. It just hurt me because I was already hurting and the fact that she could even get those words out still leaves me wondering where did my cousin/best friend go? I hope we are close again over time, but as it stands, I just don't know any more.

Regarding the DVD Slideshow, my husband also suggested giving them a copy and letting it go... that way we know in our hearts we did everything out of love and will not have anything to regret, whatever happens after that will be left up to her.

 

[Mermaid02]

Give them a copy of the dvd and leave it at that. She's lashing out at you to make herself feel better. Don't let it bother you.

I'm very sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through.

 

[chell]

Sorry to hear they gave you a hard time. It was not your fault and you did do something wonderful! I know it is easier said than done, but try not to let them bother you or get to you. What you did was out of love. That was such a sweet thing for you all to put together, especially so quickly.

 

[Keli]

Your dh is giving you good advice. Your cousin was totally in the wrong here and you and she both know that. Why she is responding the way she is I don't know but I do know that people do crazy things when they are grieving and that they often regret them terribly later. I'm sorry you've lost your grandmother and that this has happened on top of that.

 

[Pam]

It's not your fault.

I'm vindictive when I'm pushed. I won't make the DVD for your cousin and I won't answer her stupid email.

I'm sorry that your Grandmother died.

 

[minniecarousel]

ugh! She is just trying to blame you when she knows she's the one who blew it!

Make the copy for her. The ball willl then be in her court.

Sorry you're going through this - hang in there.

 

[minkydog]

Thank you both for your kind words and for responding. You are right the only thing that matters is the love we have for our grandmother, that can never be taken from us. It just hurt me because I was already hurting and the fact that she could even get those words out still leaves me wondering where did my cousin/best friend go? I hope we are close again over time, but as it stands, I just don't know any more.

Regarding the DVD Slideshow, my husband also suggested giving them a copy and letting it go... that way we know in our hearts we did everything out of love and will not have anything to regret, whatever happens after that will be left up to her.

You are married to a wise man. People do strange things when they're grieving. They'll say and do awful stuff. Try to let it go and realize they weren't in control of themselves. Make thema copy of the DVD and have nothing but lovely words for them. Eventually you will feel better, even if they don't

 

[doxdogy]

So sorry for the loss of your grandma. Your DH is giving you good advice. Let it go and make them a copy of the DVD.

 

[dmslush]

When my granny died a little over two years ago, I was so mad. In my mind, I couldn't imagine that anyone hurt as bad as I hurt, or that any of the other grandkids missed her like I missed her. It made me mad that 'those' grandchildren 'acted' like they missed her because they gave up way too many opportunities when she was alive to see her.

If that wasn't enough, I was mad that mom was so hurt. Mom cried these cries that were so scary to me. They were an earthy, gutteral sound.. It was like part of her was dying also, and that scared me to death. Was she going to die now?

Then I realized we had all stepped up a generation. Mom was now granny and I was now mom, and I wasn't ready for any of this!

During that time, I lashed out at a lot of people. I said some really hurtful things. At that time, I meant what I said, and I hoped those people hurt just as bad as I did. With time, and the patience of a wonderful SO, I got past some of the hurt and most of the anger. I still think I was jipped that my granny died. But, I cherish the time we had together.

I am most thankful that no one held a grudge against me for anything I said to them when I was greiving. Give them a dvd, step back and let them greive. Hopefully, their anger will subside and they will come back into the fold. Your family will soon begin filling those cracks that you granny's death made and you will once again have a 'glue' holding you all together.

 

[psmomma]

Thank you all for your kind words. I really didn't know how to take her and her attacking me really caught me off guard. I was mad, in shock, sad and on top of all that, I really missed my grandmother. I don't know what is going to happen between my cousin and I but thanks to your kind words AND with the love of my DH (and my family) I pray that this will pass and we will be the loving family we once were. Thank you all for your thought on this and for your kind words regading my grandma... It means the world to me.

 

[magicfan]

No, it's not your fault... I would chalk it up to her grieving and I'm sure in time, she will realize this.

My deepest sympathy for your loss!!!

This is what I was thinking, too. Maybe later on she will have a change of heart.

Sorry to hear of you loss.

 

[C.Ann]

First of all, my sincerest condolences on the loss of your precious Grandma - she's sounds like a wonderful woman - the kind of Grandma that any grandchild would be blessed to have..

Secondly, I'd like to say that while your cousin was definitely in the wrong, I can attest to the fact - first hand - that grief can and does make people say and do some pretty strange things.. Nine months ago I lost my husband and while most days I'm just fine, there are days (quite a few of them early on - not quite as often now) when I have said or done things where I would actually stop and think to myself, "Who is this person that is saying and doing these things??" I'll be going along just fine and then something triggers me off - could be something major, or could be something so insignificant it's ridiculous - and the next thing I know, I've said or done something that I really shouldn't have.. But grief is what it is - and only "walking the walk" can get one through it.. There's no timetable - no magic cure..

Your husband is a VERY wise man and I think you should follow his advice in regards to the DVD.. Try to keep the lines of communication open with your cousin - even if it's just to send a Christmas card - and even if it goes unacknowledged.. Hopefully - when she deals with her own grief - she'll come around - but if she feels you have "closed the door on her forever" you could end up in a stand-off that lasts for years and years..

Hang in there.. It will get better - in time..

 

[psmomma]

First of all, my sincerest condolences on the loss of your precious Grandma - she's sounds like a wonderful woman - the kind of Grandma that any grandchild would be blessed to have..

Secondly, I'd like to say that while your cousin was definitely in the wrong, I can attest to the fact - first hand - that grief can and does make people say and do some pretty strange things.. Nine months ago I lost my husband and while most days I'm just fine, there are days (quite a few of them early on - not quite as often now) when I have said or done things where I would actually stop and think to myself, "Who is this person that is saying and doing these things??" I'll be going along just fine and then something triggers me off - could be something major, or could be something so insignificant it's ridiculous - and the next thing I know, I've said or done something that I really shouldn't have.. But grief is what it is - and only "walking the walk" can get one through it.. There's no timetable - no magic cure..

Your husband is a VERY wise man and I think you should follow his advice in regards to the DVD.. Try to keep the lines of communication open with your cousin - even if it's just to send a Christmas card - and even if it goes unacknowledged.. Hopefully - when she deals with her own grief - she'll come around - but if she feels you have "closed the door on her forever" you could end up in a stand-off that lasts for years and years..

Hang in there.. It will get better - in time..

I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine what kind of pain it must be to lose a partner, the love of your life. I am so sorry. Your words have made think of some things I hadn't thought about, like my reaction to all of this. At first I was really pissed off, sorry but I was. I was thinking fine, I'm done with all of this, but then I stopped to think about it and realized that isnt me. That wasn't the person my grandma knew and loved, how could I forget her and everything she taught us so fast?? It is hard being the bigger person, but someone has to be. We are making them the DVD, and I have sent her and her side of the family Halloween Pictures of my DD and plan on sending them a Christmas card, if they send one back, good, but I am not sending them one in hopes of getting one in return. I am trying to be the same young lady I was. Thank you for your words of wisdom and again, I am sorry for your loss as well.

 

[epcotfan]

It's not your fault.

I'm vindictive when I'm pushed. I won't make the DVD for your cousin and I won't answer her stupid email.

I'm sorry that your Grandmother died.

I agree with Pam. My sincerest condolences for your loss

 

[Pam]

I agree with Pam. My sincerest condolences for your loss

Finally someone agreed with me! I guess my years and years of turning the cheek have passed!

I guess you just need to do what makes you feel best.

 

[psmomma]

Thank you Pam and everyone else for your warm thoughts and prayers. It would be so easy for me to just shut them out, but the 31 years that she has been in my life as my best friend and like a sister to me keeps me from doing anything extreme. Only time will tell.

We have made them their copies of the DVD, I just havent mailed them yet.

Thanks again!!!