WWYD - Friend's Husband w/Alzheimer's and Driving **update post 30**

[momz]

Do not waste your time trying to convince either of them. Go directly to DMV and let them handle it. Someone with dementia may not have the capacity to process the issue. Someone who is just in denial like the wife may not either.

I have neuropathy in my left leg. It's not severe - but I will no longer drive a standard transmission car just in case it could be a problem. If this were my right leg I would give up driving even though I can still walk around, etc. - but I am still capable of making logical decisions. I hope if I get to the point where I cannot make good decisions someone will make them for me.

You could install hand controls. Neuropathy is not the same as a cognitive problem. If your mind will allow your hands to work, no need to stop driving. Just do it differently.

 

[momz]

We went through this with DH's grandfather. We took the keys away, but he had multiple sets! Sneaky old man, lol. So, we took the battery out of the car. He thought somebody stole it. He talked about that for weeks. He said he was going to walk to the station n the corner and have them order a new battery. So, we talked to the people at the station who agreed to play along and tell him that the battery hasn't come in yet. He had the same conversations with the same people for weeks, never remembering that he had already discussed it the day before. Thankfully, he was happy to think that the battery was on its way. I loved that man. Miss him.

 

[lifesavacation]

My uncle is 5 years post diagnosis with Alzheimer's and should not be driving. The last time he drove to my dad's house, he couldn't figure out how to reverse and pull out of the driveway. It's simply not safe to have someone that confused on the road.

 

[mummabear]

Well you can either submit the form without talking to your friend or you can tell her, expect her to be defensive and possibly angry at you but people who have been best friends for 45 years should see that it has come from a place of caring after they cool off.
Be warned that if you talk to her and she doesn't agree then you fill out the form she will know it was you and likely feel back stabbed.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

Well you can either submit the form without talking to your friend or you can tell her, expect her to be defensive and possibly angry at you but people who have been best friends for 45 years should see that it has come from a place of caring after they cool off.
Be warned that if you talk to her and she doesn't agree then you fill out the form she will know it was you and likely feel back stabbed.

Despite being best friends for that many years, I would prepare yourself to lose her as a friend over this. Not because going to the DMV is wrong, but because your friend is grieving and grieving people can't always see the forest for the trees.

She may not get defensive and she may come around after a cool down period, but I think you should prepare for this to be a line in the sand.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

When my MIL got Alzheimer's her doctor told my FIL that she can no longer drive. They realized she had Alzheimer's when she drove to the mall, couldn't remember how to get home afterwards and couldn't remember how to use her cell phone. Lucky for them, a mall employee helped her contact my FIL so she could get home.
My Grandfather had it as well - he was told by his doctor he could no longer drive so my Uncle took the car keys with him and wouldn't let him have them anymore.

Her husband should not be driving and I'm honestly surprised his doctor hasn't said anything. Or maybe the Doctor has and she is ignoring the Doctor.
Either way, I would mention something to her that you are surprised he is allowed to drive because he would be endangering other peoples lives. And then be prepared for her to be mad at you for saying something if you are comfortable with that. I know I would be based on my families experiences
That's about all you can do.

The last 15 years of my dad's life, the doctor pulled his CDL. Said he could drive a car, but not a rig, as he was falling asleep all the time. The last 5 years, the doctor pulled his license, as the narcolepsy was worse. He was still all there mentally, but it wasn't safe for him or other people; he gave his car keys to my sister and she played chauffeur until he passed.

Sometimes people shouldn't be driving.

 

[GoofyPrincess]

Would personal impact help her see more clearly? I am sure that if he was in an accident and hurt someone, they would come after her for knowing he had a problem and not stopping him. As his caretaker she has a legal obligation to keep him (and others) safe from himself. Maybe realizing that being sued could ruin the rest of her life financially with or without him?

Sorry - this sounds really harsh and I don't mean for it to... I just thought that based on your assessment of her feeling towards him, maybe she needs to see the risk to herself to make it more "real".

 

[Arielle22]

If she is driving ahead of him in the car, she could be the person he crashes into. Perhaps you should point that out to her.

 

[PollyannaMom]

If I knew who his doctor was, I would contact the office. Maybe they would send in the form, so you're not blamed?

I would also get some support group info to give to your friend.

 

[MIGrandma]

Thanks, everyone, for the advice. We e-mail back and forth, so I did give my opinion to her that way. I told her I know she didn't ask for my opinion, but if something were to happen I would feel worse about it if I kept quiet and didn't tell her what I think. I told her that with him needing help with the most basic of everyday things, and the way he gets agitated and flustered over everything, that I really didn't think he should be driving anymore. I asked her what his doctor thinks about him still driving, and what their son thinks too. I told her that if he got into an accident and other people were killed their family could possibly sue because of his Alzheimers. I told her I hope she took my opinion in the way it was meant, because I CARE.

I would not take it upon myself to take steps to have his license taken away, I don't feel that's my place. If I was her sister, or her child, then yes, I might feel differently. But as a friend, I do feel I would be overstepping my bounds to do that even though I do feel that he shouldn't be driving anymore.

So, we'll see what she says.