WWYD? A parenting teens question

[aripantaloon]

Not my kid. A friend’s 16 year-old son. He just got his license at the beginning of January.

He was hanging out with friends in an empty parking garage on the weekend (questionable whether they were permitted to be there) and went to the top with their cars to do donuts in all the unplowed snow and goof around in their cars on the piles of previously plowed snow.

When going back down the garage, teen was probably going too fast and failed to negotiate the 90 degree turn to go down the ramp. He slid on snow into the turn and plowed the front passenger side of his car into a huge concrete pillar. Car is now not drivable and will probably cost between $3-5k to fix. New bumper and quarter panel plus whatever else was damaged.

Mom won’t go through insurance since she doesn’t want it to go up. She says he should pay for damage. BUT, he needs a car to get to work (at a supermarket within walking distance of home as well as a boys and girls club further away) and wants to do an electrical co-op through school, which says you need a car to participate. Right now, he has about $1500. She says she doesn’t have the money to pay to have it fixed, but he NEEDS his car (her statement). I’m guessing she’s going to have it fixed for him.

My oldest is 15, so I’m not quite there yet. Most of me says that he was the bonehead who trespassed and did something stupid with his car. Natural consequence of that would be to not get the car back until you can pay for it yourself. But if you can’t get to work, how do you make money? Uber? Walk to supermarket? Ask coworkers for a ride? Is 16 old enough to have to deal with the consequences of your actions or should parents still be sacrificing and coming to their rescue? I would absolutely punish him for trespassing in the garage (they said the gate was up, so it’s not trespassing. Ummm, no. That’s not how it works.). Though, my friend has said he goes there a lot, so I don’t think she sees it as a problem. I either would flat out refuse to pay out of my own pocket to fix his car or I’d fix it and say he was only to use it to literally go to and from work (no side trips) and to and from the co-op if he’s accepted. I’d even put a device on the car to monitor his location.

I’m seen by my friend as a hard *** parent who doles out “harsh” punishments (taking a pre-teen’s phone for a week, for example). She says that when I’m actually faced with the same things she is, I’ll change my tune and be lenient. I highly doubt that.

So what would you do if this were your ki?

 

[piglet too]

I’d take what money he has saved, cover what is needed to get it fix, and then have him pay me monthly until he has paid me back the full cost.

 

[sam_gordon]

Not my kid. A friend’s 16 year-old son. He just got his license at the beginning of January.

He was hanging out with friends in an empty parking garage on the weekend (questionable whether they were permitted to be there) and went to the top with their cars to do donuts in all the unplowed snow and goof around in their cars on the piles of previously plowed snow.

When going back down the garage, teen was probably going too fast and failed to negotiate the 90 degree turn to go down the ramp. He slid on snow into the turn and plowed the front passenger side of his car into a huge concrete pillar. Car is now not drivable and will probably cost between $3-5k to fix. New bumper and quarter panel plus whatever else was damaged.

Mom won’t go through insurance since she doesn’t want it to go up. She says he should pay for damage. BUT, he needs a car to get to work (at a supermarket within walking distance of home as well as a boys and girls club further away) and wants to do an electrical co-op through school, which says you need a car to participate. Right now, he has about $1500. She says she doesn’t have the money to pay to have it fixed, but he NEEDS his car (her statement). I’m guessing she’s going to have it fixed for him.

My oldest is 15, so I’m not quite there yet. Most of me says that he was the bonehead who trespassed and did something stupid with his car. Natural consequence of that would be to not get the car back until you can pay for it yourself. But if you can’t get to work, how do you make money? Uber? Walk to supermarket? Ask coworkers for a ride? Is 16 old enough to have to deal with the consequences of your actions or should parents still be sacrificing and coming to their rescue? I would absolutely punish him for trespassing in the garage (they said the gate was up, so it’s not trespassing. Ummm, no. That’s not how it works.). Though, my friend has said he goes there a lot, so I don’t think she sees it as a problem. I either would flat out refuse to pay out of my own pocket to fix his car or I’d fix it and say he was only to use it to literally go to and from work (no side trips) and to and from the co-op if he’s accepted. I’d even put a device on the car to monitor his location.

I’m seen by my friend as a hard *** parent who doles out “harsh” punishments (taking a pre-teen’s phone for a week, for example). She says that when I’m actually faced with the same things she is, I’ll change my tune and be lenient. I highly doubt that.

So what would you do if this were your ki?

Agree with PP. He pays what he has, then pays back the rest. OR get a junker car for cheaper than the cost to fix that one.

Around here, if the gate is open for a parking garage, it's open to everyone (unless posted otherwise).

 

[mjkacmom]

I’d take his money, put him on a payment plan for the rest, simple. Beaters would cost more. Dd22 totaled her first hand me down vehicle (hit someone while looking for a parking spot, not being reckless), we split the cost of the next car (11 year old civic). She hydroplaned that one into a pole (lucky to be alive, trauma center bills over $10,000 for 3 hours), the next car was 100% on her (10 year old civic). Both were accidents, but she’s got to bail herself out.

 

[QueenIsabella]

If it were me, I'd:

- take all his money to put towards repairs
- pay the rest, with the understanding that he will make payments to me until he's paid me back
- only let him use the car for work and school until he has a $0 balance

If that would make me a tough parent, well, good! He's lucky nobody was hurt. It will also give him plenty of time to consider the consequences of his actions.

 

[design_mom]

My oldest is 18, has been driving since 16.

I think, the way you described this case, I would do something similar to what QueenIsabella suggested: take his money as a downpayment, pay the rest but insist that he pay me back in installments, limit the use of the car until he has a $0 balance.

I'd be more lenient if it was "just" an accident, vs. screwing around in a car in a careless or dangerous way. Lots of inexperienced drivers have accidents. Mine hasn't (yet...knock wood), but when he got his license, I told him if he had one we would be understanding as long as he wasn't doing something stupid/reckless. Of course, I hope he never has one, especially one where someone gets hurt. (One of his friends died in a car accident. The police investigation ruled out speed, drugs/alcohol, and using his phone as factprs -- he just made a "rookie mistake" and it ended up costing him his life. I pray that's never me.)

Edited to add: Also, the car my son drives is not his. It's ours... and I'm OK with that. At this point, driving it is a privilege that can be revoked at any time. I kind of like that there's not "well, it's MY car, so I can go where I want."

 

[Southernmiss]

I’d take what money he has saved, cover what is needed to get it fix, and then have him pay me monthly until he has paid me back the full cost.

Yep. Agree with this and the other parents.

One of our sons rear ended another car after school one day. Said the kid 2 cars in front of him brake checked at a traffic light. Car immediately behind him slid to the ditch to avoid hitting him. Son was a new driver and did not stop in time and hit the auto heading to the ditch.

He did $5000 in damage to his car. We don't carry full coverage on our kids cars. We repaired the car, as the cost of comparable car would have been abt the same price. Kids buy their first car, we pay a couple of thousand on it.

He was without a car for 2.5 months. Knock on wood no accidents since then (it's been 2 years) and thank God all kids were ok.

Everything is expensive these days and cars in our area are a necessity- no public transportation and things are spread out.

Unfortunately, we have to help our kids more than our parents had to help us due to first jobs pay not keeping up with rising costs.

 

[cjbcam]

If he’s within walking distance to work he’d be walking. No club if he can’t walk and I couldn’t drive. My 16 year old driver has very strict rules. She knows if I even see her phone in the front seat or anywhere she can reach it while driving she no longer has the privilege to drive for a while. She would never do something so dumb without realizing she would have to put up with the consequences of her actions. If it was an accident when she wasn’t goofing around she wouldn’t have the same consequences.

 

[DLgal]

I would tell him "You don't need a car. Walk or bike to work." He would have to save up enough money to repair the car if he wanted it back.

No 16 year old NEEDS a car. Sounds like your friend doesn't want to be inconvenienced by driving him to work...

 

[Skippy918]

Can they file an insurance claim and then her son can pay for the difference in the insurance rates? He should pay the deductible at least.

 

[kimblebee]

I would tell him "You don't need a car. Walk or bike to work." He would have to save up enough money to repair the car if he wanted it back.

No 16 year old NEEDS a car. Sounds like your friend doesn't want to be inconvenienced by driving him to work...

I agree with this BUT if they live where it snows and stays there could be days where it’s too cold to walk. Yes, I know all about layers and mitts and touques, but all that doesn’t help some days.

I’d definitely take what the kid has saved up but, I’d leave him a hundred or so for incidentals.

 

[wenrob]

Not my kid. A friend’s 16 year-old son. He just got his license at the beginning of January.

He was hanging out with friends in an empty parking garage on the weekend (questionable whether they were permitted to be there) and went to the top with their cars to do donuts in all the unplowed snow and goof around in their cars on the piles of previously plowed snow.

When going back down the garage, teen was probably going too fast and failed to negotiate the 90 degree turn to go down the ramp. He slid on snow into the turn and plowed the front passenger side of his car into a huge concrete pillar. Car is now not drivable and will probably cost between $3-5k to fix. New bumper and quarter panel plus whatever else was damaged.

Mom won’t go through insurance since she doesn’t want it to go up. She says he should pay for damage. BUT, he needs a car to get to work (at a supermarket within walking distance of home as well as a boys and girls club further away) and wants to do an electrical co-op through school, which says you need a car to participate. Right now, he has about $1500. She says she doesn’t have the money to pay to have it fixed, but he NEEDS his car (her statement). I’m guessing she’s going to have it fixed for him.

My oldest is 15, so I’m not quite there yet. Most of me says that he was the bonehead who trespassed and did something stupid with his car. Natural consequence of that would be to not get the car back until you can pay for it yourself. But if you can’t get to work, how do you make money? Uber? Walk to supermarket? Ask coworkers for a ride? Is 16 old enough to have to deal with the consequences of your actions or should parents still be sacrificing and coming to their rescue? I would absolutely punish him for trespassing in the garage (they said the gate was up, so it’s not trespassing. Ummm, no. That’s not how it works.). Though, my friend has said he goes there a lot, so I don’t think she sees it as a problem. I either would flat out refuse to pay out of my own pocket to fix his car or I’d fix it and say he was only to use it to literally go to and from work (no side trips) and to and from the co-op if he’s accepted. I’d even put a device on the car to monitor his location.

I’m seen by my friend as a hard *** parent who doles out “harsh” punishments (taking a pre-teen’s phone for a week, for example). She says that when I’m actually faced with the same things she is, I’ll change my tune and be lenient. I highly doubt that.

So what would you do if this were your ki?

First, I’d take his driver’s license because clearly he’s not ready for the responsibility.
Then I’d hand him a city map and info on public transportation.
Last he’d be paying to fix the car. Whether he got it back or not would depend if he can show responsibility. Things like getting himself to the places he needs to be on his own.

Harsh? Maybe, but he could have killed himself or someone else.

Having already raised one up I understand wanting them to have their own transportation. It does make life easier but for me, the circumstances described, paying to have it fixed for what I see would be my convenience sends the wrong message. He broke trust and that would have to be earned back.

FWIW my DD had a fender bender (not even that, it was more like scratched the other car) and I talked to the woman she hit asking if we could do it off the record. She agreed and then proceeded to demand thousands and a rental car. I called my insurance agent and presented the scenario. My insurance would go up a whole $14 a month. I filed the claim. DD was at the time paying half her insurance, I just tagged on the extra. About a month later she wasn’t paying attention and backed into a tree shattering my back window and side window. She paid for that one out of her savings and lost vehicle privileges for a couple weeks.

 

[hereyago]

Walk, Uber, snow dogs lol. He would have to give up hope for the co op. He could get a beater for 1500. But he wouldn't be having a license cause I would snatch it up his head would spin.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Can they file an insurance claim and then her son can pay for the difference in the insurance rates? He should pay the deductible at least.

Well it depends on how the insurance company calculates the impact of an accident. It's not normally a cut and dry thing. A normal/common time frame is 3 years depending on state laws for an accident to be considered for rate calculation but this depends on how the company is filed with the state's Department of Insurance. The insurance company I worked for certain states the 'impact' if you will to your rate decreased renewal after renewal unless subsequent accidents occurred. That wasn't the case everywhere. And all the states they wrote in except for CA went to a complicated mix of factors being included in rate calculation that was difficult to parse out. That of course isn't the case with all companies.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I'd agree with others. Pay the difference in what the kid has and then have the kid pay monthly for it. It will probably teach a valuable lesson in paying monthly payments (and on time too). I would also agree sounds like some questionable activities going on. Perhaps for a while the car should strictly be used for work and school not for other stuff.

 

[Floridaman999]

Sounds like he needs one of those all-wheel-drive vehicles I keep hearing about.

 

[luvsJack]

Been there done that, sort of. Son wasn’t doing donuts and there was no snow but he was driving too fast.

He did have a job and where we live, if you have a job you do in fact need a car. So we fixed it. He paid part and we paid part. And he had to pay us back so much per paycheck. We didn’t make the payment outrageous and we didn’t restrict his use.

We got paid back, he learned a lesson and that too passed. He had the same car for a few years after high school so guess it worked.

We don’t have parking garages so would have no idea whether he was trespassing. Teens like to gather, it’s what they do. I wouldn’t worry so much about that but would have a long long talk about a vehicle not being a toy.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Our neighbor kid had an accident and he replaced the car with a motorcycle which he rode to the light-rail station then took the light rail into work. His parents refused to pay for his stupidity.

 

[gotomu212]

I’d fix it and have him pay be back and also have a serious conversation about the responsibilities of driving and that this was a 2 strikes your out kind of deal.

I did want to add for those suggesting Uber- Uber’s policy is that minors cant ride alone and accounts can be deactivated if you’re ordering for kids (I know some drivers will pick up kids, but if any of them report it you’re banned as the account holder).

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I don't understand why people don't want to use their insurance when they have an accident. That's exactly what it's for. Yes the rates might go up, but it's better than shelling out $5000 all at once.

If it was my son, I would have him pay the deductible and start contributing to the monthly insurance bill (if he's not already doing so). If he didn't have the money, I would set up a payment plan with him. If my son had an accident when he was out driving to work or school, I might not be as strict about it. Things happen. If he damaged the car while out messing around and being irresponsible, he would need to pay for it.