Would you be bothered...?

[shortbun]

I think everyone was tired of being together-5 days is a long time to be away from home for a 3yo and also for having guests-even if it's your son's family. Don;t worry about your MIL's crying anymore than you are worring about your daughter's meltdown. They are both totally explainable and should not be taken any further.

 

[mom2rb]

My MIL is a saint, but she used to do one thing that cracked me up. She would come over and help with the kids, but if they started throwing a tantrum she would leave. She would say "sorry but my grand babies are perfect and I can never see anything that will change my mind".

 

[wvjules]

A short meltdown from a 3-year old wouldn't have bothered me much, I could have dealt with it. But having it happen over and over would have ended up getting on my nerves. I probably would have been helping to pack up the toys, grabbed your coats and said "Merry Christmas" as I herded you out the door!

This!

Not all 3 year olds throw repeated tantrums. It would have driven me insane. I have very little patience for things like that. A tantrum is acceptable...several over and over, not gonna happen. I would have said come back when you can control the kid.

 

[ChrizJen]

I agree with the previous poster that it was probably hitting her as you were packing up that you'd be leaving soon. That combined with the already somewhat stressful situation of your DD's meltdown was probably just more emotion than she could take at that moment. It may have seemed like strange timing, but that's my guess.

 

[minniecarousel]

I'm not a grandparent yet, but I can see several things:

you're packing up to leave. GMa is having mixed feelings about that: She's enjoyed having everyone around, and now you're leaving. Her life and hosue will get back to "normal".

she just hates to see her grandchild upset - plain & simple.

She misses being the "mom" of little ones. She can't believe how the years have passed, and she's no longer that woman.

I say - don't take her reaction too personally. Cut her some slack.

 

[elainesj]

I find it's easy to forget what a 3 yr old tantrums are like. when my kids were 3, it was a normal part of life and I had a much thicker skin. once they outgrew that stage, i don't have that thick skin anymore. plus, it's so much harder when it's someone else's child and you have no control over the situation. when baby DNiece cries, it's so upsetting and I want so badly to cuddle her and get her to stop...but I know she'll be happier with Momma so I stay out of the way.

I know for both my mom and my MIL, they have a ROUGH time when their grandkids cry. I sympathize....but if they have to cy, they do have to cry. I know from talking to my mom she has forgotten so much of my childhood. apparently I was mopstly an angel and "never" did such and such (baloney! I remember some bits and pieces from my childhood LOL!!)

 

[Pea-n-Me]

As a grandparent, I would probably feel upset if I felt it was a behavioral and/or parenting issue. (Though can't say for sure as I am not a grandparent yet.)

And as a parent, I would be bothered if my MIL was in tears over this situation.

I tried to explain to her, but I knew in her state she wouldn't listen, so I let her scream and yell until I knew she would stop and listen. Meanwhile the hubster can't stand her screaming so he starts to give in and allow her to take out toys we had packed up.

I did take her to another room, played with her, calmed her down, talked to her, etc....but then something would make her start all over again. So my MIL takes DD into her bedroom and entertains her, well tries to, while we pack up.

You were all feeding into her tantrum. As long as you let three year olds run the show, there will be chaos. Somebody's got to be in charge; be the leader, and that should be you. You explain to the child "we have to go now but the toys are coming with us and you can keep one for the ride and play with them when we get home", etc. Then you pack up and go. (Being the meanie that I am I would also have had her sit on a chair quietly, perhaps saying a nice goodbye to grandma, while we pack as well - and additionally added "if you're well behaved" at the end of "when we get home", too, and then follow through.)

Sorry if this offends, it's not meant to. Just pointing out my take on the situation. If you're not consistent and/or if you try to reason with them during a tantrum, kids will escalate their behavior until you meet their demands. So every time you let this go on, it gets worse. In effect, she's conditioned you and your DH to give in to her tantrums. You need to put a stop to it by setting limits and being consistent, and you and your DH being on the same page each and every time. Allow for natural consequences is she continues with tantrums. Learn to get comfortable yourself with those consequences - you'll be doing her a favor. Nobody wants to be around a child that behaves this way, and that includes family and friends, and later schoolmates and teachers.

 

[LuvLDM]

The Hubster????

 

[simba20]

The Hubster????

Yes. Hubster. That's how I refer to him in the online world/blogs.....going on 12 years now of being called that online. IRL he is hon, dear, or his real name. He doesn't mind....I picked it up somewhere online and see others use it as well.

Will reply to other later tonight when I have time....as this is difficult on my phone. Busy day today......

 

[bumbershoot]

Eh, just give your MIL a hug and tell her you know she hates tantrums.

She gets to feel what she feels. No point in telling her her emotions are bad or uncalled for. Tantrums upset her. End of story.

I don't get the feeling she was trying to manipulate you, or make you feel guilty by showing she was upset... t

.


I would go with all of that. I agree with it entirely.

I"m sure everyone was tired and worn out, and sad about going etc etc. We had a small family reunion this month at WDW, and at the end of the big family part of it, the grownups were on the brink of tears at the thought of it being over, and the kids were being emotional...it was one big emotional situation. So I've been there done that!

You were all feeding into her tantrum. As long as you let three year olds run the show, there will be chaos. Somebody's got to be in charge; be the leader, and that should be you. You explain to the child "we have to go now but the toys are coming with us and you can keep one for the ride and play with them when we get home", etc. Then you pack up and go. (Being the meanie that I am I would also have had her sit on a chair quietly, perhaps saying a nice goodbye to grandma, while we pack as well - and additionally added "if you're well behaved" at the end of "when we get home", too, and then follow through.)

Sorry if this offends, it's not meant to. Just pointing out my take on the situation. If you're not consistent and/or if you try to reason with them during a tantrum, kids will escalate their behavior until you meet their demands. So every time you let this go on, it gets worse. In effect, she's conditioned you and your DH to give in to her tantrums. You need to put a stop to it by setting limits and being consistent, and you and your DH being on the same page each and every time. Allow for natural consequences is she continues with tantrums. Learn to get comfortable yourself with those consequences - you'll be doing her a favor. Nobody wants to be around a child that behaves this way, and that includes family and friends, and later schoolmates and teachers.

Your way of doing things might have worked with your kids, but they would NEVER have worked with my son. Having DS sit on a chair and try to be quiet would mean he was alone, and feeling alone while he was upset would SCARE him, and make it so so so much worse.

When DS was just about to turn 3, we moved. We talked to him all the time about it, we showed him where we were moving, etc etc. This was an ongoing, all the time, discussion of what the new place would be like. He was completely involved.

A few nights before we left, maybe even closer to the move than that, he asked if we would leave some of his toys at the old place. We asked him why. Well, it turned out that somewhere in his head, he decided that DH and I were moving, and leaving him. And he wanted some toys to keep him company after WE left.

NOw we had talked about this move thoroughly with him! But he still got it in his head that he was being left.

So a tired 3 year old watching her toys get packed away, only being told what was happening right before it was happening, and not being able to hear it once she was distraught???? You KNOW she couldn't understand it. And even if she could, it meant she was going away from her grandparents, which can be very hard for little kids. Time is so weird when you're little...she had no true idea of when she would see grandma again... So in one part of her mind, she's losing her toys forever. In another part, she might not see grandma forever. 3 year olds...their little minds are so mysterious...



I think the OP's way of dealing with her daughter was just right. The husband wasn't helping matters, IMO, by taking the toys back out. From experience, I definitely wouldn't have done the toy-packing in front of her after she started reacting, but it would be getting done!

Yes. Hubster. That's how I refer to him in the online world/blogs.....going on 12 years now of being called that online.

I call my husband that as well online.

 

[Tiger926]

Sorry your mother in law reacted that way, but as others have said, she is allowed to feel what she feels.

That being said, I think her reaction was dramatic and not necessary. Crying over a tantrum? What in the world would she do if your child was seriously ill? I have a family of over reactors, and so I totally understand how problematic in can be. At least your mother in law left the room. I've had to deal with crisis situations, all the while trying to deal with over reacting adult relatives. Not a good situation to be in, but sounds like OP handled it well.

One last thing - it bothers me that people on here have to throw in their two cents about the fact that not all 3 year olds have tantrums. Are you kidding me? 3 year olds are still toddlers for goodness sakes, so that potential is always there. What is your purpose in this? To make the OP feel like a bad parent, or, to imply that there is something wrong with her child? Not all 3 year olds have tantrums, but many do. The potential is there, due to their developmental stage, to have tantrums on a regular basis. This is not out of the norm. I would never look down on a young child because he/she had a tantrum.

We may never know why OP's mother in law reacted like that, but if it was because she was traumatized by seeing a temper tantrum, I feel badly for her. Temper tantrums are just part of life as a parent. Many adults I know throw temper tantrums. Heck, in some circles, the mother in law's reaction could be construed as a temper tantrum of sorts...one that was more than likely fueled by anxiety, stress or holiday exhaustion, but totally unncessary, IMHO.

Tiger

 

[sunnyday123]

Her reaction would have bothered the crap out of me. A 3 year old throwing a tantrum? Totally get that. A grown woman? Not so much. Also, I'd throw DH in there too, because taking the toys out played into her tantrum.

DD had tantrums-starting at 3. I simply walked away from her and told her to come get me when she could stand up. The third and final one she had outside. I told her it would hurt if she flung herself back, she did, and it did. Never had another one.

 

[C.Ann]

I'm a grandmother - and no, that would not have bothered me..

Are you sure it was that - or maybe the fact that you were packing up to leave and she was sad that DGD was leaving?

I honestly can't imagine why what you described would reduce her to tears - twice, no less..

 

[cm8]

The tears also could have come from the fact that you were packing up to leave. After having you all there for the holidays she was probably sad to see you go.

Agreed