Would you be bothered...?

[simba20]

I can't figure out why this bothered my MIL so much. Not in the sense that it made her angry, rather it reduced her to tears.

Hubster and I have three year old, and is typical as most three year olds can be (independent, strong willed, testing boundaries....). Hunbster and I can deal with her behavior (most of the time).

So we spent Christmas with my in-laws. Last night, the hubster started packing up DD's gifts as we were leaving this morning -- his only mistake was that he started doing it before DD went to bed, so natural DD threw a temper tantrum of all temper tantrums because she is 3 after all and didn't understand what we were doing with her toys.

I tried to explain to her, but I knew in her state she wouldn't listen, so I let her scream and yell until I knew she would stop and listen. Meanwhile the hubster can't stand her screaming so he starts to give in and allow her to take out toys we had packed up. I told him that we has already allowed her to keep out three toys to play with until she went to bed, and that we needed to get things packed.

DD's tantrum continued in cycles. I did take her to another room, played with her, calmed her down, talked to her, etc....but then something would make her start all over again. So my MIL takes DD into her bedroom and entertains her, well tries to, while we pack up. By this point we left DD's toys alone as we realized that there were more throughout the house. After a while we stop packing, and my MIL and DD come out of the bedroom. MIL gets FIL some coffee and coffee cake as an after dinner desert, and while eating it, MIL bursts into tears and has to leave the room.

We were told later that she was upset because she had never seen that side of DD (aka a typical three year old).

Please note, I was the one to handle DD when she was upset, and I never once yelled at DD, spanked her, anything. If DD has a tantrum, I typically subscribe to the "make sure she can't hurt herself & let her have her fit" philosophy (unless we are in public, I don;t subject other to her screaming we go tto the car). When she is calm, that's when I will talk to her, keeping the convo short and in terms she will understand.

I think MIL has this idea that DD is an angel and cannot possibly act that way. As DD has grown up and we visit MIL has passed off certain behaviors that DD has done as "being okay" (like their house being full of breakables but it's okay for DD to try and get them off a shelf, etc.....typically I would tell DD the object is off limits or hold it in my hands to let DD see what it is). I will not handle DD talking back (I know she's testing limits), so usually I'll remind DD that something she has said was not a nice thing to say.....

Anyway, it just bugs me that MIL got so upset/sad over typical three year old behavior, she had to leave the living room twice in tears.

If you were a grandparent or even parent would this behavior upset you, or is my MIL off her rocker? I asked the hubster about it and he concludes that it was just the fact that she's never seen a 3 year old act that way.

ETA: DD never said anything hurtful/hateful to MIL when they were in her room together. I just heard DD saying that she wanted her toys, and MIL trying to engage her in tea party/TV/books/etc.

 

[simba20]

Please ignore typos and autocorrect as I am on my ipad.

ETA: Got on my computer and made corrections. Boy is this weird after being on the iPad for 5 days.

 

[Disney Doll]

Maybe DMIL was a bit tired after all the Christmas festivities and something that might not normally bother her bothered her a bit more.

Maybe DMIL was disappointed ot see that her angel is really a pretty typical 3year old.

 

[Northstar]

Eh, just give your MIL a hug and tell her you know she hates tantrums.

She gets to feel what she feels. No point in telling her her emotions are bad or uncalled for. Tantrums upset her. End of story.

I don't get the feeling she was trying to manipulate you, or make you feel guilty by showing she was upset... that would be a different story. Did you pick up that vibe?

 

[redlight]

I think Northstar's advice sounds good if you have a good relationship with your MIL.

 

[S. C.]

Maybe DMIL was a bit tired after all the Christmas festivities and something that might not normally bother her bothered her a bit more.

Maybe DMIL was disappointed ot see that her angel is really a pretty typical 3year old.

This.

She could also be going thru change of life.

 

[Hannathy]

It would bother me. I don't do crying babies or tantrums well. Never could do the crying it out with any of mine.

And not all 3 yr olds have tantrums. Mine never did. my DS had 1 when he was about 2 and that was it and lucky for him cause like I said I don't do tantrums well so it wouldn't have been pretty! So a screaming crying kid could have really upset her and frazzled her nerves coupled with she is probably sad you are all leaving and tired and just the fact that things like that do bother you more as you get older.

Maybe she thought 3 is too old to be doing what she was doing and was worried her grandbaby was turning into a spoiled brat, and she couldn't say anything. That is another thought. Maybe she didn't like the way you handled it but knew she couldn't say anything and kept it in but her emotions got the better of her. there are a lot of different directions you could go .

But your original question would a 3 yr old pitching a very long ongoing fit bother me? Yes it would, and it would upset me.

 

[clh2]

Let's face it - holidays can just be stressful.

Your MIL wants her house to be a happy spot for her DGD, and is probably upset that her DGD was upset. Add too it - your MIL wasn't able to calm your DGD down. It was a double whammy. You KNEW what your DD needed - some quality "alone" time, in a familiar surrounding, in their own bed. It just wasn't happening at MIL's house.

Hopefully - a good night's sleep did everyone a world of good. My guess - everyone was in a much better mood in the morning.

My DD, now 16, had a major meltdown when she was 2 or so, while some out of town relatives were leaving our house. As the mom - I KNEW that all DD needed was about 5 minutes alone...no TV, no games, no out of town-aunt further stimulating her. DD was so overtired. When dH and I were saying goodbye in the driveway...after about 5 minutes, the house got silent. DD crashed. It was what she needed at that particular point in time.

 

[mommasita]

As a parent, NO, it would not have bothered me in the least. It would have bothered me MORE, had she tried to tell you how to manage your child, which apparently she did not.

I can not say as a grandparent, I am certainly not there yet, BUT as my mother always says, her joy of being a grandmother is so much greater, and one of those reasons is that she can have fun with the kids, and NOT be the one to discipline them.

As others have said, the holidays are a stressful time for everyone, those visiting, those having visitors, family or not.

 

[luvflorida]

... just the fact that things like that do bother you more as you get older.

...Maybe she didn't like the way you handled it but knew she couldn't say anything and kept it in but her emotions got the better of her.

...Your MIL wants her house to be a happy spot for her DGD, and is probably upset that her DGD was upset. Add too it - your MIL wasn't able to calm your DGD down. It was a double whammy.

All of the above hit home for me. We had a similar situation happen at our house over the holidays.

Our daughter, son-in-law and two year old grandson stayed with us for a few days, and on the last day they were here, our grandson wouldn't settle down for his nap. He had just returned from the playground with his dad and had fallen asleep in his carseat. His dad attempted to put him down for his nap, but our grandson woke up as soon as he was placed in his bed. Our grandson cried and cried, and I knew he wasn't going to take his nap.

The timing was off, dinner was about to be served, and I'm sure our grandson was out of sorts due to all the holiday activities and exciting things going on. Our son-in-law insisted that our grandson take his nap, our grandson just cried and cried, and I was a mess! I didn't want to step in, but I was very upset that our grandson was so upset. I hated hearing him cry the way he was crying, and I wanted to just go in and get him and hug and reassure him and calm him down.

I can totally relate to your MIL's tears! I felt myself getting teary eyed. As a grandparent, it can really hurt not to be able to immediately scoop up that adorable, precious grandchild and dry their tears and love them to pieces! Fortunately, my daughter and son-in-law finally decided to let our grandson get up and forego his nap. I know they were doing what they felt was the right thing to do, but again, after being a parent for many, many years, and then a grandparent, you realize that parenting isn't always black and white. There are a lot of gray areas, and times when it's okay to bend the rules a bit, especially at grandma's house!

 

[MerMom60_94]

Does your MIL see her granddaughter very often? If not, there may be a pronounced difference from the last time she saw her and it may be the difference between seeing a baby and seeing a toddler. Maybe it hit her that your DD is growing up really fast and is on to a different phase of her life and MIL may not be ready to see her grow up and independent so quickly.

 

[hucifer]

Those of us who have 3yos deal with this sort of behavior a lot. We also have developed thicker skins as a way of dealing with temper tantrums in order to avoid our own emotional breakdowns. It's a survival method of sorts for parents. I certainly have a MUCH higher tolerance for tantrums because I have a 3yo.

Your MIL probably hasn't had to deal with them for a very long time. And if your daughter kept hers up for awhile, it can be very stressful to everyone, especially to those who aren't used to dealing with them.

I imagine that your MIL was dealing with it just fine for awhile, then at one point the emotional dam burst and out came the tears. I know my own 3yo has reduced me to tears a few times, so this is understandable behavior, based on the situation you described.

Would it bother me? The whole emotional upset would, but not MIL's reaction to it, necessarily. Everyone has their breaking point.

 

[Wall-E1]

I can't figure it out. You would think your mil, having had kids, would understand that they act out that way sometimes. Perhaps she was just in a dramatic mood that night.

 

[Mermaid02]

I think all the posters have had good points.

As someone said, probably everyone was tired and had that "Holiday let down" feeling. Your dd was probably over tired and coming down from all the sensory stimulation of the holiday and your Mil was tired from hosting! And let's face it, if you aren't used to having a 3 year old 24/7 it can be EXHAUSTING (even if you aren't the primary care giver!)

Your MIL's days of having a 3 year old were a long time ago!

 

[Darcy03231]

The tears also could have come from the fact that you were packing up to leave. After having you all there for the holidays she was probably sad to see you go.

 

[gina2000]

Your MIL loves her grandchild and can't stand to see her suffer. Accept that as a working premise and you'll be fine. She's not criticizing your methodology; she's upset because she can't stand to see her grandchild unhappy.

And yes, it would break my heart to see my most precious baby crying.

 

[luvmy3]

I'd tell my MIL that she's lucky that she doesn't get to see this side of dd all the time Not all MILs would appreciate that answer but I know mine would have

 

[MIGrandma]

As others have said, the holidays are stressful. We had family at our house on Christmas Day and by the time the day was over I was ready for everyone to go home.

DH and I raised two children, but once they were grown and out on their own and the house was quiet...after we got used to the "empty nest syndrome" we looked at each other one day and said, "hey, this is kind of nice!" Once you're used to peace and quiet, chaos and temper tantrums are harder to endure. Younger people don't "get that" but they usually do when they're older, and then feel the same way.

A short meltdown from a 3-year old wouldn't have bothered me much, I could have dealt with it. But having it happen over and over would have ended up getting on my nerves. I probably would have been helping to pack up the toys, grabbed your coats and said "Merry Christmas" as I herded you out the door!

 

[mjkacmom]

I think your MIL over-reacted, but keep in mind, not all 3 year olds have tantrums like that (mine never did), and with all the new information about autism, and other disabilities, these days, everyone is becoming more paranoid.

 

[oscarkitty1]

From my perspective as an Aunt with no children of my own - it breaks my heart to see my nieces cry or be upset - even though I know it's part of a normal childhood. I can remember one trip a few years ago when I had just driven the 6.5 hours to get there, was very tired, and did just exactly what your MIL did! And I was in my early 30s!!

It was especially heartbreaking when they were toddlers and just couldn't listen to reason! Now that they are tweens with a little more attitude - I don't feel quite as bad when they aren't getting their way! Still even witnessing those episodes - when I'm not used to children - is stressful for me.