Wondering about my real dad (long)

[mommaU4]

It seems a bit strange to be talking about this over the internet. It seems so personal. But then it might be good to get it off my mind. Maybe then I won't think about it anymore.

I am 34 yrs old and have never met my real dad. He and my mom never married and I guess he was around only when I was real little. Until I turned 2 or 3 I think. I'm not sure because my mom and I never really talked about him, so I know nothing about him. I have no clue how they met, why they never married, why he left, why he never kept in touch.

She remarried when I was 7 to my step-dad who I never really liked. He and I have no relationship at all. So I basically grew up feeling like I never had a father. I didn't consider my real father to be my dad because he wasn't around and my step-dad never has or never will mean anything to me.

I always said it didn't bother me and meant it. My DH used to tell me I should try to find my real dad and meet him at least once. But I always said no way. I mean why should I? He never cared enough about me to try to contact me so why should I care about him. He's had 34 years to track me down if he wanted to. Right?

I did just fine growing up without a dad. Well, that's what I always thought. But now that I have kids and I see their relationship with their father it makes me think about it more and more. Especially my 3 girls. I never had a father figure that I could turn to when I was growing up and I am so happy that they do. It does make me wonder what I missed out on.

I guess sometimes I wonder what it would be like to find my real dad. Not that I want any sort of relationship with him, but just to ask some questions. I mean I don't know his side of the family's medical history. That could be important. I don't even know what he looks like. Do I have his eyes? Nose? Smile? Do I have any half brothers or sisters? That would be weird.

I don't know. I toy with the idea of trying to find him sometimes but then my stubborness sets in and I say forget it. If he didn't care enough to find me, I sure as heck am not going to care enough to find him. Hmmm, I wonder if I get that same stubborness from him? I guess I'll never know.

 

[JenDaveBrendan]

My DH is going through the same thing. At 30 years old, he is beginning to wonder about his fathers side of the family. DH's mom flat out refuses to talk about him or even answer any questions, it was made clear to DH from a young age to just not talk about it. However, I think the reason for this is because DH's dad molested DH's sister (DH was 2 yrs.old at the time), hasn't seen him since then. DH has had his half sisters (from his dad) try to contact him, and he is currently debating whether to contact them back or not. I think it is really hard for him. But, like you, he would like to know medical history, and is curious to see if his other siblings look like him, etc...
Sorry, I don't have any advice, but I know it is a difficult thing to go through. I can't even imagine not knowing who my dad was.

 

[staci]

Im sorry, I have a good friend who went through this. She never met her father. When she was 18, though, her mother did give her his name.

At 20, she decided to call him and set up a time to meet (still lived in the same town). I think it gave her some answers to her questions, although it wasnt a great 'reunion'. He basically told her that he would have came to see her if he wasnt always so high. Nice, huh?

But I think she is glad she did it. She knows his face, she asked her questions, and she doesnt have this big question mark about her dad anymore. She has never talked to him again, but I think she found some closure.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do. If I were you, I would ask your mother more about the circumstances surrounding your birth. You are an adult now, and for medical reasons and your own peace of mind, you deserve to know a little bit about where you came from.

Good luck!

 

[kristen821]

A friend of mine was going through the same thing as you only he was put in foster care by his mother at 6. About 2 months ago he decided to find her and found her online so quick. He said it was one of the best things he has ever done. She changed now and although what she did wasn't right he has forgave her and is becoming really close to her. Also, my dad was put up for adoption as a baby and his biological family found him. He is pretty close to his biological brothers and sisters. Good luck in whatever you decide to do!

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

DH never knew his father but we found his half-brother thru the internet once and emailed him. The guy was a total jerk and basically read us the riot act for contacting him and told us that the father was dead and to leave the rest of them alone. Poor DH. I think it really bothers him that he never got to meet his birth father.

As long as you know that it is not ALWAYS a happy ending then I say move forward if you need to know. Good luck with your quest!

 

[mommaU4]

I think she found some closure.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do. If I were you, I would ask your mother more about the circumstances surrounding your birth. You are an adult now, and for medical reasons and your own peace of mind, you deserve to know a little bit about where you came from.

Good luck!

Thanks. The closure part is maybe what I'm after more than a relationship.

I used to watch those talk shows that would do reunions between two family members that had never met before, usually a father/daughter thing. And the daughter would run crying into her long lost dad's arms and they would hug and she'd be so happy. I used to sit there and think those people were so dumb, and wonder what they had to be so happy about? This is someone who walked out on you and never bothered to look for you all these years!

For me there would be no chance of a relationship, just a chance to gain information. I guess I could approach my mom about it. She never refused to talk about him, we just never did. She never offered and I never asked. Maybe it's time.

 

[sweet angel]

My parents divorced when I was two. My mom remarried when I was four. I met my "real" dad when I was about 28 or so. He contacted someone who "searched" for me and contacted my parents. My stepdad convinced me to meet him. Turned out his parents lived in the same town as me. I always thought it was odd that he waited 10 years to "search" for me.

Anyhow, I he was from out of state, so I arranged to meet his parents and sister first. To say it was uncomfortable and odd would be an understatement.

Next, I met his brother and sister's daughter. The brother was a perfect example of what drugs do to your brain, and the cousin seemed somewhat perturbed to be sharing everyone. Whatever.

Finally I met dear old "dad". Let's just say he looked like he walked out of the 70s -- like he should've been driving a VW microbus with pompom curtains. He decided that he (and his parents) knew what was best for me and that they were going to pick up where they left off.

I decided that at 28, they were strangers to me and I didn't need any new family members. I ended up flat out telling "dad" and his brother to stop calling me.

The aunt still sends Christmas cards (but she was okay because she understood). The grandparents still send cards, but no checks anymore because I wrote to them and told them how I felt. Now I just get cards that list the years ailments. This year "grandma has developed diabetes". I don't wish them poor health, but they are essentially strangers to me. I try to send a pic of me and my son each year, but they don't seem to get it that I'm not going be their granddaughter.

With that said, that's just my experience...yours may be filled with joy.

 

[Sparx]

I know who my dad is. And I have very faint memories of him. He left when I was (I believe) 4. Hes made three attempts at contact since. well. Until Hurricane Katrina blew him out of NOLA, right back in to Tennessee. About a year (maybe a year and a half before) I met my half sister. We have no relation ship at all. I look alot like her, but still. Looks are only skin deep. We don't have a thing in common. It was actually a good thing that he came back up here. He came just in time for us to serve him and terminate his parental rights for my soon to be stepdad to adopt me. My stepdad and uncle have alwasy been here, when Jay hasn't. They've seen all of the things he'll never get to see. I'm only 14, but alot of things have happened in my life. Things he'll never get to experience with me. Its his fault. Its his loss. I don't like him or love him. I was glad to see him leave town. He ruins everything he touches. He has no self control. If he had stayed we wouldn't be too much of anything. I wouldn't be too much of anything. I'm glad that he left us. If he'd stayed I wouldn't have ken. We wouldn't live in this house. We wouldn't have been to Wdw and back and to wdw again. My life wouldn't be what it is. Look at it like that. He left you. not hte other way around. HE missed your life. He has no right to come find you. But you have a right to find him. If you saw him, what would you say? Just think. If he'd stayed, where would you be today? I'm sorry you're going through this. Its very difficult. to you.

 

[mommaU4]

With that said, that's just my experience...yours may be filled with joy.

Sorry things didn't turn out that great for you. Thanks for sharing though. I think your story is a little more typical than a "happy ending".

Maybe some things are better left unknown. Even if I had other "family" somewhere I doubt we'd form any sort of bond. I've gone this long not knowing, maybe it's best not to stir things up at this point. Finding him now wouldn't help all those years of feeling fatherless. Only serious therapy and some good meds could do that now! Hey, that's what I should be searching for...... a good therapist.

Anyway, all you dads out there, be good to your kids! You have no idea how important your role in their life is. And to all of you who have a good relationship with your dad, I will always be envious of you. Be grateful.

 

[goofygirl]

I have been in your shoes. Almost identical to you, only I don't have kids.

Mom and dad had me, never married, separated when I was 2. He dropped out of my life, I have no memory of him, I grew up without a father around. My mom never married, so there wasn't even a stepdad. It didn't bother me a lot, but there was this kind of mystery to my life that I wanted solved. I was also a very curious person.

At the age of 34, I set out to find him. The Internet has made the process all the more easier. All kinds of records are available online, at reasonable prices.

I found out he was dead. Died in 2002. Self-inflicted gun shot. He had emotional problems.
I also learned he married twice, and I had 4 half brothers and 1 half sister. I met one of the brothers. It was an amazing experience! We talked a lot, I got a lot of info.
I also found my Dad's widow, and she has been wonderful to me. She has sent me pictures and some personal items of his. I just received a Xmas card from her yesterday in fact.


It was all pretty shocking, but worth the effort. I am glad I did it. I think it was all meant to happen the way that it did. Why spend life with a "question mark" hanging over you? Go for it.

 

[sweet angel]

It probably could've had a different ending if I had let it. I'm glad I met him, I guess. At least now I don't wonder -- I just cringe!

They (especially the aunt and grandparents) would've welcomed me with open arms and I probably just tossed a crapload of money out the window, but I couldn't fake a relationship with them just for money.

If you're really curious, give it a shot. At least then you'll know.

 

[LucyStorm]

I am the adoptive mom of a son 23, and a daughter 17. If ever they would want to search for their birthparents I would support them in it. I wouldn't expect a happily ever after reunion for them, but to get questions answered.

The other part, which in your shoes would be difficult to understand, is that we all make mistakes, that people do things for stupid reasons and then sometimes are too ashamed, too guilty, or just too messed up to correct them. Sometimes the person who walked away thinks that they have done the best thing for you. Maybe they haven't contacted you because they are afraid of disturbing your life or that you wouldn't want to see them.

My daughter's birthmom "walked away" from her because she didn't want her daughter to be exposed to her lifestyle. She was strong enough, and loved her enough to realize that her drugs, alcohol, etc were not what she wanted for her daughter. If I ever meet her, I will thank her for that decision.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide, and as others have said, if nothing else, meeting your dad may give you answers and closure.

((((hugs))))

 

[mommaU4]

My stepdad and uncle have alwasy been here, when Jay hasn't. They've seen all of the things he'll never get to see. I'm only 14, but alot of things have happened in my life. Things he'll never get to experience with me. Its his fault. Its his loss.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Its very difficult. to you.

Thanks for the hugs. And I am sorry for your troubles with your dad, but I am happy you have someone in your life that could fill that father figure for you. My step-dad was a creep and a jerk when I was growing up. I just hated him so much.

I've let go of that hate because I didn't want to have that in my heart but we still have no relationship. A card at Christmas is about it. A few obligatory pics of the kids. They'll never have much of a relationship with him either which is how I want it. They have no real grandfather on my side, only on DH's.

Your right that when a father chooses to walk out on his family and kids for whatever reason it is their loss.

 

[mommaU4]

At the age of 34, I set out to find him. The Internet has made the process all the more easier. All kinds of records are available online, at reasonable prices.

I found out he was dead. Died in 2002. Self-inflicted gun shot. He had emotional problems.
I also learned he married twice, and I had 4 half brothers and 1 half sister. I met one of the brothers. It was an amazing experience! We talked a lot, I got a lot of info.
I also found my Dad's widow, and she has been wonderful to me. She has sent me pictures and some personal items of his. I just received a Xmas card from her yesterday in fact.


It was all pretty shocking, but worth the effort. I am glad I did it. I think it was all meant to happen the way that it did. Why spend life with a "question mark" hanging over you? Go for it.

Wow, what alot to take in. I'm glad you were able to get all that information though. I don't know what I'd do if I found out I had all those half brothers and a half sister!

The funny thing is that so far it hasn't been a question mark hanging over my head. At least I didn't think it was. I mean I just always told myself that it didn't matter. That I didn't care. Even when DH pushed me to try and find out some info I just said I had no interest in knowing and I meant it.
I'm not sure why it's an issue now. For 34 yrs I was blissfully ignorant about him, so why this little voice in my head nagging me now? So weird.

 

[Pete's Mom]

It's quite an emotional rollercoaster, isn't it? It could be a great thing or a horrible thing and not knowing which one it might be can drive you batty. I know how hard it can be. Hugs to you!

 

[DisneyCP2002]

I haven't really felt ready to discuss this with my online friends, but reading this thread has given me the courage. I don't want to take away from the original posters thread, so I will start my own. Let's just say finding a parent(adoptive or MIA) is always an emiotional rollercoaster . I hope all those that are seeking or are just begining to think about it will find what they are looking for.

 

[cristbaby]

I feel so bad for you living so long with all the unanswered questions. I am a mother who left 2 children when they were a very young age. My reasons were alcohol and I felt they would have a better life with their father. He evenually remarried and moved to another state which made it very hard for me to see the children. I also remarried and had 2 other children. Recently after 34 years my son decided to call me and later we met. It did not go well for me. He said some horrible things to me and then decided that he did not want to have a relationship with me. I don't blame him for feeling the way he does but I just wish he would've left things alone. I do believe he felt better saying all the things he wanted to say for so many years and it's possible that you will too. You never know until you try. Just be prepared in case it isn't what you want to hear.

 

[kristen821]

You guys have really opened my eyes to how my dh feels. He never met his father (biological) He left his mom while she was pregnant. Anyway, his mom (a piece of work too)was receiving child support from his dad and never told dh. We had our first son very young. I was 18 dh was 17. When my son was about 2 months old dh's mom ran into his dad at the last child support hearing. dh's dad gave his mom his phone # and asked Dh to call. I finally convinced him to call thinking it would be a great thing. I used the whole medical history for our ds to convince him to do it. He called and about 1 minute into the conversation my ds laughed and dh said his son was crying and he had to go. I never understood why dh did that, but he said he just didn't even want to talk to him, so I never pressed the issue again. I was blessed with a great father and you guys opened my eyes to how dh must feel. He has never talked about it. He just says he doesn't care.

 

[we3disneygo]

I grew up with out my dad and he missed out is how I look at it.....he's been married 5 times and raised other people's kids and grandkids....it escapes him that I am his only blood kin folk .......yet he bends over to please step-mom and her grown kids.......I see him because I want dd to "know" him. It's not an easy road to travel.....

 

[Chattyaholic]

My DS (29) recently found out he fathered his former girlfriend's son. They had been together 3 years but she was very controlling and eventually even became physically abusive (I saw it first hand) so he finally asked her to leave. She had a small son at that time, and wanted to "try again" so for the sake of her son my DS allowed her to come back but after a few days he realized it really just was not going to work so made her leave for good. Shortly after that, he found out she was pregnant, but she was also dating someone else so he kept saying the baby was not his.

The baby was born in June, and a couple of months ago a paternity test was done and my DS is indeed the baby's father. He signed away his parental rights and it just tears my heart out. I never in a million years thought he would do something like that. I have not talked to him about it, as I feel he's old enough to make his own decision, but I completely disagree with the decision he made, and I feel he will be sorry for it later. He wants nothing to do with his son, it's so sad.

He has a 12-year-old daughter and a 9-year-old son from his first marriage (he became a father at 17 and married the baby's mother at 18 and they lasted 5 years) and has half custody of them. He has the children a week, then their mother has them the next week, etc. It works quite well for them, and he is very involved in their lives and is a good Dad with them.

So for the life of me I just cannot understand why he wants nothing to do with his baby son, and after Christmas I just may have to sit him down and have a talk with him and find out WHY, so I can understand, or at least TRY to. But, my DH and I DO want to have a relationship with our grandchild. This little boy is just as much our grandchild as the rest of them are so we want to be involved in his life, and thankfully his mother is very willing to let us be involved (she wouldn't have to, I know). But, I found out yesterday our son is trying to make it so WE can't have a relationship with the baby either, and believe me, that is NOT going to fly!!! He has no right whatsoever to keep us from that baby. And after Christmas I will tell him so!

I just wonder what things will be like a few years down the road. Our DD has a son just 4 months older than this baby, and they will more than likely be in the same class at school. The child will know who his father is, and how will he feel knowing his own father wants nothing to do with him? It just tears my heart out and I have shed so many tears over the situation, but don't really know what I can do about it. I don't want to alienate my son and have him not want anything to do with me, but I want to know his REASONS for what he's doing. So, like I said, after Christmas I think I will be talking to him. I just hope he "comes around SOON" and realizes what a mistake he made!!!